The commercial treated the band as musical icons who left behind some type of legacy, much like those commercials a few years back for the greatest hits packages from THE STONES and PINK FLOYD. The only legacy CREED have left behind is one of cheesy power ballads that no doubt will gain momentum overtime as our generation’s version of JOURNEY. STEVE PERRY, now there was a lead singer.

Granted, the holiday season is upon us: What better time to cash-in and squeeze one last breath from SCOTT STAPP and all his CHRIST-as-cock-rocker posing, but still, one can only hope that this is one messiah that won’t warrant a second coming. If we need to be saved from anything, it’s from people that make this type of music, or from people that listen to this type of music, like my brother, a self-confessed CREED fan (indeed, for every Cain there’s an Abel, bee-yatch). I never thought I’d use this term and actually mean it, but yes, CREED is the devil’s music, and I don’t mean that in a complimentary manner either.

CREED to me is like JOURNEY without the context of the times. JOURNEY was acceptable schmaltz because the 80s were an anomaly for music. For fuck’s sake, it was a time when PHIL COLLINS and REO SPEEDWAGON were considered to be hard rock by the masses. People may have wanted their MTV in the 80s, but they wanted their “Sussudio” just as much.

CREED should have known better. They were part of the post-grunge movement, but they did everything in their power initially to mimic that unique sound. CREED-haters, myself included, label STAPP and Co. as PEARL JAM-wannabes. As much as that is true, early CREED owes an equal proportion of hawked wares to ALICE IN CHAINS. Granted, CREED is to PEARL JAM what GODSMACK is to ALICE IN CHAINS, but the earlier stuff proves SCOTT STAPP was listening to LAYNE STALEY just as much as he was to EDDIE VEDDER. For such a religious ‘fella, wasn’t there something called THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, and doesn’t one of them read something along the lines of “THOU SHALL NOT STEAL”? STAPP must have missed that one in his Bible studies.

The Day the Music Died…

June 4, 2004, was the day an era ended. Yes, CREED fanatics will recognize this date as D-Day, the moment when CREED as a band went their separate ways. This, according to the band’s official website:

“After nearly a decade together, CREED has decided to disband. During their 8 years and 3 albums together CREED achieved countless Rock & Roll milestones and sold over 30 million albums worldwide.”

To this, I say, hallelujah, yeah, God is good, yeah, yeah, God is great. Seeing the errors of His ways, God got all Biblical and shit and saved us from future horrors by intervening on behalf of music critics and fans of good music alike, purging CREED from this planet like the pair of shit-stained underwear they were.
OR SO WE WERE LED TO BELIEVE.

Alas, the metaphorical fecal skid marks on music’s undergarments that were CREED would not be so easily exorcised.

Carry (Kyrie?!) a Laser through the Darkness of the Night

So fast-forward to a few months back, when I hear a new CREED song playing on the radio. Did my ears deceive me? Did CREED realize past album royalties alone would not support the lavish lifestyles the group had come to enjoy and thus, decide to reunite? But wait, what’s this, a late breaking word from the burning bush, otherwise known as www.Creed.com:

“Creed’s MARK TREMONTI, SCOTT PHILLIPS, and BRIAN MARSHALL re-emerge as ALTER BRIDGE with new singer MYLES KENNEDY. The band's debut album One Day Remains is in stores now - visit AlterBridge.com for more information and music previews.”

ALTERBRIDGE? Jesus Huxtable Christ, what have I done to deserve this? Surely, it couldn’t be worse than what we’ve already endured from CREED. Ever a glutton for sadistic new means of punishment, I decided to watch ALTERBRIDGE’s music video.

First off, what is the deal with the band’s name? I can only imagine the display of creativity on hand at the meeting with the suits at the record company. ALTERBRIDGE.

Say it with me: ALTERBRIDGE. Pretty freaking ingenious. Why not just name them the Altar Rosary Society? In the annals of rock bands with names invoking a religious connotation, among them JUDAS PRIEST, and BLACK SABBATH, just to name a few, well, ALTERBRIDGE can’t hold an altar candle to the competition.

And how do they sound? Imagine THE DARKNESS without the irony. Hell, imagine CREED without SCOTT STAPP, except instead of having an EDDIE VEDDER clone, they toss in an EDDIE VEDDER imitator who’s attempting to channel the late and sonically-soaring and musically graceful JEFF BUCKLEY (a man who could hit more resonance and relevance in one note than can be located in the entire CREED oeuvre.)

Quite frankly, if you stooped so low as to purchase an album from the CREED splinter group known as ALTERBRIDGE, you’re beyond all hope for redemption. All of God’s mercy will not save you now. Do you realize this would be the equivalent of 80s soft rock favorites MR.MISTER splitting up, having two separate albums subsequently released, and you actually being lame enough to plop down your hard earned cash to rock out to their efforts? If you did purchase the debut “album” by ALTERBRIDGE, I suggest you make a nice Glock Popsicle and suck on a few rounds of fire and brimstone. Or just say ten Our Fathers and five Hail Marys and be on your merry way, whore.

You have to Separate Their Heads from the Remainder of Their Bodies…
Or,
Kill the Master and He will Lose His Grip on the Minions

Hark the herald angels sing, a new message from above; this, again, according to www.creed.com:

”CREED'S former lead singer SCOTT STAPP has produced his first new music in three years - the powerful new track "Relearn Love." The song appears on the upcoming album The Passion of the Christ - Songs(Lost Keyword Records) in stores now. Visit ScottStapp.com to hear it now.”

Can you believe STAPP is still around, Mr. Pseudo-Savior-Gay-Leather-Pants-Walk-On-Water-Song-And-Dance Man? Has the man no shame? STAPP is reportedly working on a solo album with Canadian rockers THE TEA PARTY, who, ironically, have a hell of a JIM MORRISON imitator in lead singer JEFF MARTIN. Now if only they could get SULLY from GODSMACK to join their clone clique. Hell, toss in ROBERT PLANT rip-off artist DAVID COVERDALE for good measure, and they’d have themselves a nice cushy career as stars of their own Vegas style revue show. And in Vegas, home of CELINE DION and ELTON JOHN, schmaltz is clearly acceptable. Ask Siegfreid and Roy. It’s a goddamn cottage industry there. I can read the Bellagio marquee now: Live! In Person! “Jesus STAPP Superstar! Joined by his band of imitation all-stars!”

Better, Man

Below is the track listing for CREED’S greatest hits package:

CD Tracklist:

“Torn,” “My Own Prison,” “What’s This Life For,” “One,” “ Are You Ready,” “Higher,” “With Arms Wide Open,” “What If,” “One Last Breath,” “Don’t Stop Dancing,” “Bullets,” “My Sacrifice,” and “Weathered.”

DVD Performance Details:

“Torn,” (captured at an early appearance in Toronto in 1997), “Higher,” (performance from the roof of the Rio in Las Vegas) and “Weathered” (performance from atop the Stratosphere in Las Vegas). (Vegas…see, there ya go!)

Now let’s compare that to PEARL JAM’S recently released greatest hits package, Rearviewmirror: Greatest Hits 1991-2003:

Disc 1:

“Once,” “Alive,” “Even Flow,” “Jeremy,” “State Of Love And Trust,” “Animal,” “Go,” “Dissident,” “Rearviewmirror,” “Spin The Black Circle,” “Corduroy,” “Not For You,” “I Got Shit,” “Hail, Hail,” “Do The Evolution,” “Save You.”

Disc 2:

“Black,” “Breath,” “Daughter,” “Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town,” “Immortality,” “Better Man,” “Nothingman,” “Who You Are,” “Off He Goes,” “Given To Fly,” “Wishlist,” “Last Kiss,” “Nothing As It Seems,” “Light Years,” “I Am Mine,” “Man Of The Hour,” “Yellow Ledbetter.”

Yeah, there really is no comparison. CREED never realized this, because they were always too busy trying to sing and play like Seattle’s famous rock star denizens, PEARL JAM et al, instead of doing their own thing. When you’re without talent and vision, though, the best you can do is ape the efforts of others. Without PEARL JAM, there simply would be no CREED. And that, my brothers and sisters, is the Gospel truth.

Josh Jabcuga would like to express his deepest gratitude for the men and women of the Armed Forces who are protecting our beautiful country, who are unable to be with their loved ones during this holiday season. He is also thankful for our country’s freedom…especially his freedom of speech. And he’d like to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Josh Jabcuga’s Squib Central is published every Thursday, exclusively at www.moviepoopshoot.com.

Press kits, promos, items for consideration to be reviewed in Squib Central should be sent to:
Josh Jabcuga
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