To help alleviate some of the stress, your loyal buddy at Movie Poop Shoot.com has decided to put together this nifty little reference guide to make your Christmas shopping just a tad bit easier. Everything on this list is certifiably cool and is Squib Central-approved (Hint: Any one of these items would make a brilliant gift for yours truly).

So, onward Rudolph and Dancer and Prancer and, er, Nixon, and Blister…OK, I really don’t know the damn reindeer names. Onward with the inaugural Squib Central-approved Christmas shopping guide!

For your pops, who likes to read a good book now and then by the fireside:

HOW TO MAKE LOVE LIKE A PORN STAR: A CAUTIONARY TALE by JENNA JAMESON.

And you thought “love” was a term foreign to porn stars? Yeah, sure, just like “bukahke” is an alien concept to your grandma.

For that girl in your Creative Writing 101 class who you’ve spent all semester stalking, slip her this CD and tell her you’ve been listening to them forever and in 2005 they’ll be the next “in” band that all the hipsters will be raving about and you’ll be too hip by then to listen to them because you’re ahead of your time and witty and better than that other guy she gets caramel mocha lattes with after class and she should be going to the revival house with you watching ON THE WATERFRONT and EAST OF EDEN and letting you make precious little collages for her made out of old fashion magazines and…yeah, just give her this CD. And say “Hello, my name is (insert your name here). And smile.

Funeral by THE ARCADE FIRE.

For your buddy from high school who you lost touch with after your first year of college because you both liked the same girl who sat in the front of the class in Creative Writing 101:

The Downward Spiral (Deluxe Edition, Hybrid SACD), by NINE INCH NAILS, including 13 B-sides, outtakes, (crown of shit extra). Because it was amazing in the tenth grade and it’s even better now.

For your brother, who thinks CREED are actually worth a damn, and who accompanies you to PEARL JAM concerts, constantly asking you, “When are they gonna play their radio hits?” Also for that sassy girl in grad school who made you mad crazy in love and who you nearly ran away with only to second guess yourself and break everyone’s hearts in the process. Because RICHARD ASHCROFT writes some of the greatest songs in the history of man and woman. And because “Sonnet” sums up the love that was crushed underneath the weight of your dreams like a glass marble beneath an elevator shaft. And yes, Urban Hymns is just as monumental as RADIOHEAD’S OK Computer, regardless of what “Velvet from Downunder” scribe Ruben Ham says.

This is Music: The Singles 92-98 by THE VERVE.

For that snotty kid down the street that hangs out at the local Hot Topic, let him know that when you look up rock ‘n’ roll in the dictionary, you won’t find a picture of BAM MARGERA, but of Bonnie and Clyde rockers LUX INTERIOR and POISON IVY:

How to Make a Monster by THE CRAMPS.

For yourself, because, well, therapy is just too damned expensive and rockstar-ish. (Hint: If any reader or studio exec is reading this and wants a Moviepoopshoot columnist in their pocket, this is all I, er, he would really want for Christmas):

The FREAKS AND GEEKS Deluxe Box set, featuring two additional discs not available in the version available in stores, with over six hours of extras (beyond the already loaded basic box set), including an embossed yearbook, available only at www.freaksandgeeks.com. (This may be sent directly to my mail address below. Me, a whore? Surely you jest!)

For your uber-cool friend, the one who can make any conversation more interesting just by adding his, uh, coolness factor. Because he appreciates JACK KIRBY and GEORGE ROMERO. Because he believes the downfall of JERRY LEE LEWIS was actually the result of a conspiracy by the media and the COLONEL TOM PARKER. And he knows pro wrestling is truly an art form (And yes, feel free to send a copy to Josh at the address below, Santa):

TRIBUTES II: REMEMBERING MORE OF THE WORLD’S GREATEST PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS, from DAVE MELTZER of THE WRESTLING OBSERVER NEWSLETTER.

MELTZER is the hardest working man in professional wrestling this side of '80s-era RIC FLAIR. He adds integrity to an industry that makes a career in politicking and backstabbing seem downright tame and cushy. And he, unlike nearly anyone else involved with the business of pro wrestling, truly respects the fans, since he undeniably is one. His weekly newsletter is also the best thing going in pro wrestling, and the only reason to TIVO WWE RAW. He’s also smarter than VINCE MCMAHON, minus a few billion dollars and the uh, unhealthy living habits. Now comes the second collection of obits originally published in MELTZER’S insanely readable weekly newsletter. Kids, study this book if you want to know why drugs are bad (the obit of the MACHO MAN’S ex squeeze MISS ELIZABETH), why drugs and steroids are bad (the obit of ROAD WARRIOR HAWK, BRITISH BULLDOG DAVEY BOY SMITH, etc.), and why BRET “the Hitman” HART’S father, STU HART, may just be the baddest motherfucker that ever lived.

For your nephew (or yourself):

The coolest action figures EVER made, the complete line of SCARFACE toys by MEZCO. The resemblance to AL PACINO is uncanny. Now if only they’d make DeNIRO as TRAVIS BICKLE from TAXI DRIVER, and it’d be cool to play with yourself again (er, not like that, pervert.) Say ‘ello to my little friend! Accessories include Cuban cigars, bundles of dirty cash, suitcases and guns. The mail-in offer for the Grade-A Colombian powder is still pending, you cock-a-roche.

When not begging anyone within earshot to buy him an IPod for Christmas, Josh Jabcuga can be found writing Squib Central, published every Thursday, exclusively at www.moviepoopshoot.com. Josh would also like to take a moment to thank our troops who are bravely defending our country, who may be unable to spend the holiday season with their loved ones. God bless you and your families. Godspeed!

Press kits, promos, items for consideration to be reviewed in Squib Central should be sent to:
Josh Jabcuga
3910 Sharondale Dr.
Hamburg, NY 14075

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