Josh Jabcuga: “We’re talking about legitimate works of art, that is, movies, that challenge you to stay the entire duration, their entire running time, and in the end, they have either rewarded you immensely, and your patience and sense of risk have paid off tenfold, or they leave you feeling as if you’d just gotten punched in the balls repeatedly by the Olsen twins.

“Why, you may be wondering, would I take the time to even conjure up a list such as this? Simple: These are the movies that I love. More so, even if I don’t love these movies, I love taking chances on them. These are the movies that lend themselves to actual religious-like revelations. These are the movies that give us quote-unquote experiences and memories that remind us of why we go to the movies in the first place: To be able to stand in the dark and see things in a new light.”

This list so far (refer to last week’s article for more info): 5. VANILLA SKY; 4. FIGHT CLUB; 3. BUFFALO ’66.

Okay, fast-forward to this week’s column, already in progress:

2. FAHRENHEIT 9/11:

I was actually shocked to witness people walk out on this film. Shocked because, well, it’s a controversial film. That is, it was billed as such, marketed that way, so how could you not expect something controversial when viewing it? It was advertised that way, and as far as I’m concerned, one definitely got their money’s worth if they were looking to get their buttons pushed.

It’s like that idiot who years back sued some heavy metal group, I believe it was either AC/DC or Metallica, because he claimed to have lost his hearing as a result of attending one of their concerts. What were you expecting, man? It was a fookin’ rock show, for God’s sake!

What? Come again? Oh right, we’re talking about Michael Moore’s film here, (sorry, I’m suffering from tinnitus, damn heavy metal music, damn it all!). Back to FAHRENHEIT 9/11. Let’s say you are a Liberal. No. Scratch that. Let’s just say, for shits and giggles, that you opposed the reelection of Dubya. Well then, chances are, this film didn’t offend you. It just gave you ammunition.

Let’s say you were in the middle. Then maybe the film gave you some food for thought. On the other hand, if you were a supporter of Junior, a Republican or not, and by attending this movie you thought, “Hey, I’m gonna be open-minded and see what all the fuss is about,” and still walked out on the film early, then no one can talk to you one way or the other, and your mind was probably made-up before you even stepped one foot into that theater.

These days, you have to filter everything for yourself, even cable network news, so it’s something we should all be used to by now, --making up our own minds, that is. I’m not going to get all political on you. We’re about entertainment here at Moviepoopshoot.com. Fun and games. Three chances for a dollar. That kind of thing. So I’ll save the religion and politics for the NPR. I will say this: My father is a staunch Republican. He’s a former Marine, (well, once a Marine, always a Marine, right?) and he was actually a member of the presidential guard team for President Eisenhower. No shit. So Dad’s got a little history under his belt (not unlike me, but for different reasons altogether).

My pops has a serious disdain for Michael Moore. Same goes for Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, and other actors/performers who think their opinions matter. He’s tolerant enough to appreciate their acting or music or what-have-you, but that’s as far as it goes. They’re all Hanoi Janes, as far as he’s concerned. Dad wants nothing to do with them outside of the movies, and sometimes even that is asking a lot. (Just a little background info: My dad has little tolerance for any movie that does not feature a cast of either Lee Marvin or Steve McQueen or John Wayne. He is also notorious for referring to the sci-fi genre as “sky-fi,” and walking away from the TV after only five minutes if a “sky-fi” film is playing, most recently in the case of I, ROBOT, but who can blame him for that one. Good call, Dad. Oh, and one other thing: He thinks I made up the word “genre” just to fuck with him and sound more intelligent. He keeps referring to it as “that Bohemian way of thinking,” whatever that’s supposed to mean.)

Michael Moore, though, my dad can’t even pretend to stomach. Well, I haven’t met too many people that can stomach Moore for very long. But I think Pops would rather go all Private Pyle on himself, sitting on a cold shitter at 3 a.m. just long enough to pop a cap in his GREAT SANTINI-wannabe skull with his military-issued M1 than sit through a Michael Moore film.

Politics aside, I think my father is missing the boat with this film, as is anyone else that refuses to watch it. Don’t watch it for the political commentary. Yeah, that’s kinda the point right? But no, turn the political portion of your brain off for two hours. Get over that. Watch FAHRENHEIT 9/11 just to witness the way a man with a masterful grasp on the art of filmmaking can tailor his message (one supported by facts or not, that’s your call).

If you want to label Moore as a liar or a bigot or a traitor, a first-class big-mouth or a third-rate politician, then in turn, you must give him his due as perhaps the year’s best film editor. And like Pops always tells me, “Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.” If you want to see FAHRENHEIT 9/11 as fact, as truth, as reality, as a revelation, go for it. If you want to see it as fiction, a figment of a faker of a filmmaker’s imagination, as propaganda, then go for it. Just see it.

One of Adolph Hitler’s favorite artists was Wagner. This is a major oversimplification of things, I’m sure, but hang with me here for a second: It’s 2005. You can listen to The Ride of the Valkyries and not turn into a skinhead. You can listen to Elton John and not become a homosexual (although if you are listening to Elton John, I hope you’re at least listening to the 70s stuff and not the schmaltzy Vegas shit he plays these days). And you can watch FAHRENHEIT 9/11 without morphing uncontrollably into a raging liberal or traitor. If you’re worried or insecure about any of those things, maybe you need to do some serious soul-searching and ask yourself the questions before you question the material on-hand. Half of what you see, none of what you hear, right?

1. Any film that Charlie Kaufman is involved with, including, most recently, ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND:

Charlie Kaufman is arguably the most original creative force we’ve seen in filmmaking in the past two decades. BEING JOHN MALKOVICH is one of my all-time favorite films, easily in my top ten. I can’t even begin to imagine the studio pitch for that story, and the fact that it was actually given the greenlight. Then to top it, a sequel of sorts was made, (more a companion piece than anything else), with the wonderfully bizarro ADAPTATION. Again, just the fact that a movie like that was made should give all of us hope. Not every film has to have a Happy Meal tie-in.

Kaufman’s best work is on display when he’s paired up with director Spike Jonze, another unique artist who defies any expectations and dodges any classifications. Kaufman has done some other fine work, including the surreal bio-pic about gong-show creator and *wink wink* secret government assassin Chuck Barris, CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND (featuring a vastly under appreciated performance by Sam Rockwell, directed by some guy named George Clooney).

Last winter, my girlfriend and I went to see ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND. This looked to be Kaufman’s most bizarre bit, but how can you rate weirdness, you know? Anyway, I’m not sure what was more entertaining, the movie itself, or the number of people that walked out on it. I think I gave up counting when the tally of walk-outs reached nine. This movie was a bit of a head-scratcher, like its brethren, but what were they expecting, ACE VENTURE: PET DETECTIVE, just because Jim Carrey was the lead?

I say, go rent this movie and see it all the way through. Even if you don’t like it, (and I’m not so sure I’m a fan of it myself, ultimately) I promise it’ll be a more interesting, if not a more satisfying and rewarding experience than nine out of the ten films you see this year. Yes, in what may be a first for a film/music critic/writer, I’m actually recommending a movie that I may not have liked myself. To this day, I’m still not sure if I liked the film. I do know I want to watch it again and again, so what does that say? I’m not sure.

Fittingly, the experience of ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND can be summed up best by comparing it to a bad relationship: You used to date a girl who put you under a spell, a girl you had wicked gnarly sex with (during the course of a summer and straight into the beginning of autumn), and a girl you even planned a future with, despite the fact you were only seventeen years old and supporting yourself as a shopping cart boy at Target. Then shit hit the fan, things got ugly, names were called, and you went your separate ways. Once the pain and bitterness subsided, you thought about her from time to time. What was she up to? Who was she dating? How did she look? You ran into her during your sophomore year of college and replayed the entire episode from start to finish in real-time, but this time the sex was even better (you kinda knew what you were doing by now), but the whole thing ended with the same dreadful results. And to this day, even knowing what you know, you’d do it all over again if you ran into her again, except now you hear she’s dating some prick and may even have a bun in the oven. Whatever the outcome, it was a one-of-a-kind ride, she and you, the two of you, and secretly you know you’d do it all over again, right here, right now. And that’s sort of like revisiting this movie, ETERNAL SUNSHINE, even if maybe you didn’t “get” it the first time. Know that, more likely than not, the results will be the same the second time around, and probably they will not vary the third time. It’s possible that you’ll just never grasp the movie, but is that a bad thing?

Maybe things will change after a second or even third viewing, though. Maybe you’ll have a new outlook on the film, a fuller picture, a new perspective, a new interpretation…perhaps a new favorite film? (Nope, let’s just take baby steps for the time being.) ETERNAL SUNSHINE is the kind of movie where you just don’t know. It’s the kind of movie that asks more questions of the viewer, and provides few answers, if any. Maybe the answers don’t even exist. Maybe the film is a trick question.

I say, give Charlie Kaufman carte blanche in Hollywood and in your movie-going ways. Open your heart to him a second or third time. C’mon, show him some love. That’s what life’s about: it’s that bittersweet cocktail of chance and repeated, stupid fooking mistakes. Somewhere in between you’ll find your own tastes, your own style, and you won’t just be mimicking what some hipper-than-thou critic is labeling as the next cool thing. And I can only speak for myself, but I’d rather have a failed relationship with a Charlie Kaufman film than a sweaty one-night stand with one of the Matrix-sequels.

Keep one thing in mind: This is all coming from yours truly, a guy with a SCARFACE “Al Pacino as Tony Montana” poster hanging over his bed, a guy who introduces himself to his teenage nieces’ boyfriends, - trying to scare them off by running through the house wearing a TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE Leatherface mask, the same guy who is sitting here typing this very column with an ABOVE THE LAW “Steven Seagal as Nico Toscani” action figure sitting beside the computer monitor on his desk.

You’re asking yourself, What the fook does this bloke know about love and life? Just what a lifetime of going to the movies has taught me, my friend. Now why in the world would anyone want to walk out on an education like that?

For further reference, see also: THE PASSION; FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS; PULP FICTION; A CLOCKWORK ORANGE; 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (Okay, maybe Kubrick, like David Lynch, deserves his own category); MEMENTO; MAGNOLIA; TEAM AMERICA; and yes, at one time, people even high-tailed it out of theaters during CITIZEN KANE.

Comments regarding last week’s piece:

Jerry U. writes:

Joshua,

Another well written piece from you. Thanks.

I've written a previous letter to you, not sure if you remember. I'm stationed in the Air Force. I've watched several movies in a military theatre overseas. I watched VANILLA SKY at Kunsan AB, South Korea. Most of my acquaintances hated that movie, yet I fell in love with it. It's been that way with several movies: EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, BUBBA HO-TEP, AMERICAN SPLENDOR, and LOST IN TRANSLATION quickly come to mind.

You ever have a movie that touched you deeply? I'm not talking about the obvious tear jerkers like SAVING PRIVATE RYAN or SCHINDLER’S LIST. I'm talking about moments like that ending scene in TRAFFIC where Benicio Del Toro is watching that little league game or Bill Murray whispering into Scarlet Johansson's ear at the end of LOST IN TRANSLATION.

I'll submit to you a 'moment' from a movie just about everyone has seen. That moment in LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING when the Fellowship escape out of Moria and collapse outside on the mountainside, grieving over Gandalf's 'death.' Howard Shore's music brought that moment home.

Josh Jabcuga responds: Hmmm…movies that moved me deeply? Does porn count? No, seriously, a few come to mind right off the top of my head. HEAT, with Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, directed by Michael Mann. This is my all-time favorite movie; you can ask anyone that knows me. Just to prove what a freak for the film I am, I sometimes leave elaborate voicemail for my brother in Florida, reciting pivotal scenes in the script, all performed in character. The film’s climax, though, with Pacino holding DeNiro’s hand, gets me all soft and weepy like a friggin’ baby every time.

Other films that moved me, again, off the top of my head, were Wes Anderson’s BOTTLE ROCKET. I find the whole vibe of that film, especially the innocent determination of Owen Wilson’s character, particularly moving. Also, a great little film called WITHOUT LIMITS, about Olympic runner Steve Prefontaine, starring Billy Crudup. There’s a particular scene (I don’t want to give too much away if you haven’t seen it, which I highly recommend), when Elton John’s “Rocket Man” is playing, and it’s very effective and relevant without being manipulative.

Many films move me, but few actually get me teary-eyed. The most recent film to actually bring a tear to my eye was THIRTEEN. It was a superb, dark film, very much in the vein of the fatalism style of 70s filmmaking, something you don’t see too much of these days due to test audiences and those notoriously “happy Hollywood endings.” Everything about that film seemed tragically authentic, and having younger nieces and a nephew who are all close to my heart, I sometimes worry about the pressures they face on a day-to-day basis, hell, the pressures that kids in general face these days. The film THIRTEEN is further proof that if you can survive your teenage years, you can accomplish anything.

And like The Who said, maybe the kids’ll be alright.

Praise for the writing of Josh Jabcuga, who pens Squib Central, published every Thursday, exclusively at www.moviepoopshoot.com:

“Josh Jabcuga can take the 26 measly letters of our crude alphabet and capture the bi-polar soul of all that is classically yet disturbingly American. Then, when his typewriter is left to cool, he can turn right around…completely ready to trounce any drunk punk that’s got me backed into a corner.” –The Colonel J.D. Wilkes of The Legendary Shack*Shakers.

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