Note: This was exanded and slightly tweaked from my MSN article on the Oscars.

OSCAR, YOU BORE ME

OK—the 77th Annual Academy Awards, I’m still trying to get this straight. Take one of the funniest people on the planet, Chris Rock and have him host. Mix in some of the greatest looking and talented actors in the business—Johnny Depp, Leonardo Di Caprio, Clive Owen, Don Cheadle and Jamie Foxx as nominees. Add a dash of icon—the head to head nominees, Clint Eastwood and Martin Scorsese for directing Million Dollar Baby and The Aviator, respectively. And stir in a banner year for Black actors (four nominated in acting categories). We’re gonna have a memorable event right? Right? Well, no. Hell no.

Though there are some of us who don’t remember that year when Oliver! won best picture, I’m pretty certain this may be the most boring Academy Awards ceremony in the history of the show. Sure, some lovely women traipsed across the stage, many awards were deserved and honest tears were shed. And yes, Rock started the program off with some hilarious jibes (mostly about comparing President Bush to an employee at The Gap). But something happened along the way. Between the ugly stage looking like Star Search circa 1989 (where’s Ed McMahon?), the abbreviated award presentations for, apparently, less important winners (like those pesky stage hogs who do set design, animated shorts or you know, make documentary films) and Rock’s, mostly, lackluster in-between-jokes, the proceedings became a bit tedious. Stunted even. Like everyone dosed out on xanax (but not enough) and didn’t thrown back enough booze (like at the Globes).

Even with its shorter running time, it seemed to drag on and on and on. And for being so African-American-centric, it was, soooo colorless. I mean, where’s Cher, Cuba Gooding Jr. and (gulp) Roberto Benigni when you need them? Hell, I’ll take embarrassing moments even, like when James Cameron yelled that whole “I’m the King of the World” crap or Sally Field yelped “You like me!” Jesus Christ—bring out Rob Lowe and Snow White if you have to.

But don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate everything about Oscar this year, I just felt a bit deflated. And not just because the highly overrated Million Dollar Baby won over The Aviator or Clive Owen couldn’t man the stage or, I dunno…most of the films I loved weren’t nominated in the first place. I was not given the spectacle I’ve come to expect. Nevertheless, I must discuss and yes, honor the ceremony. So here are the highs, lows, raves and pans of the night. And like the show, I’ll try to keep it short.

Why start with a bang when you can star with a…whimper? And now here’s last year’s lovely best supporting actress winner to announce…wait a second. Where’s the best actor award? Oh…you guys changed the routine on us. Well, sometimes we don’t like change. Sure, we appreciate art direction, but at the top of the hour? And with the nominees crowded on stage like they’re in a spelling bee? The Aviator winner and legendary talent Dante Ferretti should not have to look like he’s supposed to spell his award in addition to winning it. OK, Dante now spell it: “A-V-I-A-T-O-R. Aviator.” Good, now go sit down at the kids’s table.

Bad Brunette Rene Zellweger, I love you, really. And honestly, if you read what I say about Drew Barrymore, I dig darker locks. But sweetie, go back to your sunny blonde adorable-ness. I suspect your raven hair and red dress may have been inspired by your ex, White Stripes rocker Jack White, but on him, it’s sexy. On you, it’s life-sucking. And you’re always so full of life Rene. So, please Rene, we fell in love with a (blonde) girl. You had at us at flaxen.

Fab Brunette Awww…our little Drew (Barrymore) is all grown up! Instead of channeling her inner Goldie Hawn with daisy hair and girly grins, she’s veering into Catherine Zeta Jones’s fabulous forte. I approve. The 29-year-old’s darker hair, black gown and dramatic eyes are as fetching as her…24-year-old Strokes boyfriend.

Ossie Davis is up there smiling It was monumental when Denzel Washington and Halle Berry picked up Golden boys a few years ago, but this year had even more Black Power firsts. Chris Rock (who said: “It's a great night tonight. We have four black nominees tonight. It's kinda like Def Oscar Jam tonight.”) hosts, Jamie Foxx wins best actor, Morgan Freeman wins best supporting actor, Don Cheadle is nominated for best actor, Jamie Foxx is nominated for best supporting (stamping the distinction of the same actor and African American to be nominated in both categories), Sophie Okonedo is nominated for best supporting actress, Beyonce sings three of the nominated songs and Prince (who is everywhere these days—is he a spy?) presents an award. So instead of David Letterman’s famed “Oprah, Uma,” we were treated to Jamie Foxx’s heartfelt, “I see Oprah and I see Halle.” Still, those years back, Ossie Davis should have been nominated for Bubba Ho-Tep.

Most tearful moment The “In Honorarium” reel set to the liltingly beautiful Yo-Yo Ma. I just thought, Dear Lord—how many people died last year? Ronald Regan, Christopher Reeve, Janet Leigh, Peter Ustinov, Russ Meyer, Ossie Davis, Fay Wray, Elmer Bernstein, Jerry Orbach and on and on to…Marlon Brando. When they played just a snippet from On the Waterfront (“I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody”), the tears were spontaneous. And then I thought: Where’s the tribute to Brando? Isn’t he one of the most influential actors in the history of cinema? Oh, yeah…we have to sit through another Beyonce number.

Most Tearful moment part two I was totally worried that when Jamie Foxx reprised his raucous Ray Charles shout out: “Hey! Oh!” from The Golden Globes, he’d simply be repeating his past, sobbing magic. But that whole loving his grandma speech threw me for a loop. I felt stupid getting emotional over a guy who praises grandmommy for beating him but, dammit, they aren’t actors for nothing.

Most refreshing non stage hog When screenwriter Charlie Kaufman picked up his (deserved) award for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, pointed at the time prompter and said “29 seconds, 27 seconds…that’s really intimidating.” Remarking back to a crony who told him to ignore the limit, the genius writer honesty quipped: “I don’t want to take my time. I want to get off the stage.” How often do you hear that?

Stage hog maximus Like, it’s not really her fault. I don’t think Beyonce Knowles is gonna say “no” to singing three of the five Oscar nominated songs. Or at least her agent wouldn’t let her. But geez—get off the stage, girlfriend! It’s bad enough the songs you’re performing are so boring (as usual). And that you have to sing a duet with Josh Groban the most white bread and vanilla ice cream entertainer this side of Clay Aiken. But taking the stage three times? I never thought I’d say this but…where the hell is Sting or Elton John to mix things up? Shit, even Celine Dion. Just so I can be entertained and repulsed.

There’s a painting rotting in an attic somewhere Johhny Depp! Do you ever age? Melanie Griffith must HATE you! And, no matter what you wear, be it pirate clothes, baggy suits or, this year, a blue smoking jacket, you always look gorgeous, cool and well, like Johnny Depp. Now we know guys like Sam Jackson and Prince can get away with any fashion statement, but how did the white guy Depp enter into this private club? Because he can.

Crassest joke When Chris Rock presented Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek as not a pair, but as a foursome (get it…uh…like, boobies). But then, after listening to them talk, it was kind of funny. And fitting.

Best acceptance speech The song was a snooze fest (Antonio Banderas AND Carlos Santana? Bathroom break!)... but when Jorge Drexler picked up his Oscar for "Al Otro Lado Del Río" from "The Motorcycle Diaries," he sang his speech (part of the song) in Spanish. He ended with "Ciao!" First off, it was short. And secondly, his a capella version was the best of the evening.

Best acceptance speech part two Morgan Freeman getting all the agents, publicists, lawyers, mothers, fathers, and saviors out of the way by simply saying, “I want to thank everyone involved in the movie” and then going on to point out Clint Eastwood and Hilary Swank. Class act. Swank should have watched and learned—her win end with a shout out to her publicist over the music wasn’t exactly, uh…moving. And really, she should have just recited her speech with her back facing the audience because, did you see that dress? Holy shit…and speaking of butts…

Most cheerful butt of a joke After Chris Rock presented Tim Robbins with this zinger: “If he’s not dazzling us with his acting abilities, he’s boring us to death with his politics,” Robbins walked out, laughing. Bravo to Robbins. It’s called a sense of humor, something the next presenter needs to re-learn.

Wet Blanket Award Dude. Seriously. Sean Penn shaking his finger at Chris Rock’s joke about Jude Law appearing in every mother-blessed movie last year was soooo abrasively uptight. Did he actually think the audience would believe Jude Law a bad actor? Is he truly worried Jude’s gonna lose some acting gigs? Or is he just an overly sourpuss, tight-ass party pooper? Fuck. Get a sense of humor, Sean. You had one once. Remember Mr. Hand and ordering pizza in class and that fresh new pair of Vans? Just think, all you need are some cool buds, tasty waves and you’ll be fine.

Will someone tell Robin Williams to shut UP! Robin Williams giving out the best animated feature award—what a surprise! Because he’s so animated! And jokes about gay cartoon characters and plastic surgery are so original! Really, even though many cannot stand the guy, Williams can be pretty hilarious when unhinged. He at least lets a few fly that are mirth inducing (like at The Golden Globes). I am not one of those Williams haters but this time around he was as stale as well, the best animated film award winner’s acceptance speech. “The Holy Trinity of Pixar?” What would Mel Gibson say?

And…

Will someone please give Martin Scorsese an award? OK—ending with an opinion. One of cinema’s most brilliant, inventive artists— the guy who made Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and Goodfellas just to name some, you know, classic films, cannot win a mother-fucking Oscar. Just canNOT. Sorry, but the show would have picked up had Marty won. Like, you know a standing ovation or something. Leo crying. Whatever. Anything! And at this point I don’t care if his next film is Pootie Tang: Part 2—someone give him something before he fucking dies. OK?