By Kim Morgan
October 5, 2005
ANDREW DICE CLAY DIED FOR YOUR SINS:
10 things that weren’t funny or aren’t funny anymore
1. Christopher Walken impressions—Everyone just stop. Please. This has managed to out-tire the William Shatner impression. And by the way, Shatner singing “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” isn’t funny anymore either. That’s just “Stairway to Heaven” classic rock at this point.
2. It’s like this only on… acid, crack, steroids, Ensure... whatever the hell it’s like—So obvious I don’t know why I’m listing it. And yet, it continually rears its grey-haired head, usually in critical writing attempting to be comical. I want to know how many of these essayists have actually done acid. Or crack. Or steroids. How about it’s like acid on acid? Or like steroids only on acid? See, that’s not at all funny.
3. Paris Hilton jokes— Yes, she kinda deserves them. No, they are not witty. OK, sometimes they’re funny, but typically only in written form.
4. Michael Jackson jokes— As Dr. Phil might say, “Now that right there is just plain not funny.” Surprisingly, Dr. Phil remains humorous.
5. The politically incorrect zinger as lazy punchline (underscore "lazy" as clever people can get away with this)—Oh, snap (not funny either?)! I didn’t see that coming! That person is sooooo out there! Hey! I feel that way about Mexicans, too! Oh no, I do NOT! Omigod, that person just made me think about race relations!
6. What is that “Here’s your sign” thing all about?— That could be the dumbest comedy bit I’ve ever seen. Now that MIGHT be funny in conjunction with a truly “politically incorrect” zinger but Blue Collar Comedy headliner/curiously fey Bill Engvall would never go there. And just what makes them “Blue Collar?” Are they steelworkers? I thought they all “might be rednecks…”
7. Women and men! So different!— Vaginas can make breakfast and penises are too retarded to crack an egg properly. Need I go into every family sitcom that abuses this “illumination?” Bring back Gracie Allen.
8. Look, I’ve known some seriously funny gay people in my life but just because you’re gay doesn’t immediately grant you instant hilarity. Or fabulous-ness. Or even cool clothes. In fact, some of you (Queer Eye especially) just look fucking awful.
9. George Bush doesn’t care about (insert group of people here)—This was used up in a matter of three days. Now, R. Kelly’s“Trapped in the Closet?” Remains both hilarious and oddly disturbing all on its own.
10. The Aristocrats—When you’ve got Star Jones excitedly discussing your movie on “The View,” you haven’t offended anyone. But go ahead, person laughing way too hard and way too loud in the theater. We get that you’re sooooo down with blue humor. And though some of the film’s comedians are indeed talented, are they really patting themselves on the back for shooting fish in a barrel by outraging some Christian/incest survivor/animal lover/child rapist who’ll never see the movie in the first place? Comedy martyr Andrew Dice Clay has got to be pissed about all of this.
