By Kim Morgan
March 7, 2006
OSCAR, I CAN QUIT YOU
Last year, I claimed that the 77th annual Academy Awards was the most boring Oscar ceremony in the history of the show. I was wrong. Boy was I wrong. The 78th has got 'em beat.
But why so tedious? The pictures nominated certainly weren't. All tackled interesting, controversial and politically charged subject matter that got people (at least those who actually saw the pictures) talking. There was homosexuality, cowboy style (Brokeback Mountain), frustrating race relations (Crash), terrorism (Munich), communism (Good Night, and Good Luck), and, well, Truman Capote (Capote).
There was host Jon Stewart, a whip-smart, political wit who managed to be simultaneously biting and respectful towards his peers ("Martin Scorsese zero Oscars. Three 6 Mafia, one"). Stewart not only threw out some terrific zingers, but his off-the-cuff comments were wonderfully timed and spot on.
There were well-respected, deserved nominations in the categories for acting (Best Actor? I liked all of them) and, yep, a Best Song nomination about a pimp. And then there was the major upset -- a certain movie, uh, Crash-ing into Brokeback Mountain to nab top prize. We haven't experienced that kind of stunned silence since Shakespeare in Love grabbed the Oscar from Saving Private Ryan in 1998.
But, that said, why such low energy in the building? Why did the Kodak auditorium feel like it was sprayed with Valium? Good gosh, even our beloved, rascally Dolly Parton was demure. Aside from the horrific stage design set to replicate old movie houses of past (maybe in Heritage U.S.A.), everyone had such, well, decorum. On the Cuba Gooding Jr./Brody kissing Berry/Roberto Benigni-acting-like-a-hyperactive-toddler excitement meter, this year barely registered.
Nevertheless, there were some high, medium and low points along our Oscar journey and we're here to share them with you. But it's tough work ... almost back breaking (get it?)Š yeah, it's late.
Classiest Political Acceptance Speech
George Clooney, after winning Best Supporting Actor for Syriana. The now King of Hollywood (and let's face it, that's why he won over his other just-as-deserved nominees) starting off witty with, "Wow, all right, so I'm not winning director" and then getting political -- but with class you can't top. Addressing those who find Hollywood liberal and "out of touch," Clooney applauded the Academy for taking on such hot-button topics as AIDS and civil rights, noting that the Academy gave African-American actress Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939. Instead of rattling off thanks to the usual scroll of agents, producers and others, he emphasized that if being out of touch meant being progressive, he was happy Hollywood was. Funny, heartfelt and yet, somehow, not overly self-important, it was simply perfect. Of course, Bill O'Reilly will have a field day with it.
Can't Stop the Music
What was with the music starting right at the moment the winners begin their speeches? Terrible. Not only did it stress us out, it made some winners appear like they were being held captive. They looked like they were rushing through their speeches with a gun to their head. We know Munich was nominated, but this is ridiculous.
Rock Hudson is Smiling Somewhere
The heartbreaking Brokeback Mountain covered the struggle of two very macho men falling in love with each other. Capote featured homosexual writer Truman Capote as he wrote his masterpiece, In Cold Blood, and Transamerica delved into, well, transgender life. Hollywood, always accused of liberalism by the O'Reilly crowd, has examined social and political issues in the past but, in terms of out America, this was a banner, and nearly revolutionary, year. Not to be so damn P.C. on you, but a good year for the gays...
Cleverest Homosexual Joke
When Stewart quipped that the film Capote showed America that "not all gay people are virile cowboys. Some are actually effete New York intellectuals."
Funniest Politically Incorrect Joke
Stewart to Steven Spielberg: Schindler's List and Munich. I think I can speak for all Jews in saying, I can't wait to see what happens to us next! Trilogy!"
Funniest Political Joke
Stewart (again) apologizes for singer Bjork not showing up because she was "trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her."
Ben Stiller...
I like Ben Stiller. I frequently defend Ben Stiller. So when Stiller, dressed in an ultra-tight green unitard jumped out in full-on Derek Zoolander shtick to present award for Best Visual Effects, I experienced an odd combination of feelings. I understood he was making fun of the often ridiculous task of acting against a blue screen, and, a large part of me applauded him for. At least he was taking the chance of making an ass of himself. But ... he did make an ass of himself. I laughed but I kind of felt sorry for him. And that's not funny.
Best Dressed
It's a tie. While Salma Hayek's off-the-shoulder blue number complete with Veronica Lake peek-a-boo hairstyle evoked old Hollywood glamour (much more than the horrific stage), we also loved Jessica Alba's clingy gold gown. Alba looked like an Oscar -- which is perfect since she'll probably never get an Oscar.
Worst Dressed
Charlize! Charlize! You always look beautiful. But what were you thinking? That bow! That hair! Unless you're researching a role that involves the gritty, real-life travails of a jilted prom queen circa 1986, we just don't get it.
Best "He's-Still-Alive!" Camera Flash
Mickey Rooney! He's still going!
Greatest Seating Arrangement
Oh, Keira Knightley! You of the doe eyes, dewy skin, adorable smile and gorgeous cheekbones. You could have been sitting next to the equally adorable, equally Oscar-nominated young hunk, Jake Gyllenhaal, but they placed you next to ... Jack Nicholson. Hey, we worship Jack -- he's a legend. But is this how the Academy initiates young starlets? Kind of like some Hell's Angels hazing ritual? Or was Jack actually her date? Lara Flynn Boyle just threw her half-eaten piece of Melba toast at the screen.
Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep Rule
Look, there's a reason these people are actors: They like to perform. And though we don't expect Oscar-nominated actors and presenters to act like barking seals (it is, after all, their moment to be somewhat human), we love it when they get on stage and entertain us. This is exactly what Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep did when announcing Robert Altman's Lifetime Achievement Award. Discussing the legendary filmmaker's career in Altman-esque overlapping dialogue, they managed to not only explain just why Altman deserved this accolade but illustrated what makes him so unique. And it was hilarious. We know Tomlin is a comedienne, but who would've thought Meryl Streep could steal the show from Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell and Steve Carell in one fell swoop? Guess there really is a reason she's been nominated for 13 Academy Awards.
Cutest Couple
Double nominees Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. They're beautiful, they're talented, they're new parents, they're ... oh God, we're gonna barf. They're just perfect.
Meanest Joke
When announcing Owen and Luke Wilson, Jon Stewart quipped: "Two talented brothers, which is also a way to describe the Baldwin family." Funny, but mean.
Is George Romero Doing Set Design for Musical Numbers?
Yes, we get that "In the Deep" from Crash was supposed to represent racial intolerance and how we can't connect with one another. But while Kathleen "Bird" was singing "In the Deep," the dancers moving in "dramatic" slow motion looked like a bunch of zombies ready to eat human brains. Actually, that could have been yet another twist to Crash (and one as implausible as the rest of 'em): Matt Dillon's racist cop is also ... a zombie!
Did the Producer for "Dancing with the Stars" Choreograph "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp"?
Maybe we're mistaken, but wasn't part of the greatness of Hustle & Flow its depicting a real-life pimp? You know, one who's actually poor, doesn't wear tons of bling and who drives a beat up Chevy Caprice Classic? Isn't that why Terrence Howard's Oscar-nominated performance was so noteworthy? So why did the pimps and, um, "witches" look like they were dancing with Drew Lachey? Pimps on Ice, anyone?
You Deserve It
Robert Altman. 'Nuff said.
To Paraphrase Vince Vaughn in Swingers:
Our Little Reese All Grows Up! When Witherspoon won for Walk the Line we were genuinely happy and excited. And so was she. We've always been committed to Reese's talent (hello, Election?) but before her fantastic portrayal of June Carter Cash, she'd been relegated to America's Sweetheart roles (Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama and that ghost movie with Mark Rufalo) The Tennessee native thanked not only her parents, but her grandmother. And a shout-out to the great lady herself, June Carter, was a lovely touch.
Most Shocking Moment
Well, I'm just going to express my opinion here, but Best Picture goes to... Crash?! Crash?! What in the F?! When it comes to the Academy, sorry Brokeback, guess they really can quit you.
*From my MSN piece, Best and Worst Oscar
