By A.K.
January 22, 2003
Each week, Diamond Comics posts the New Comics Release List -- a weekly list of comics coming to a store near you this Wednesday.
Here, we have a snapshot of comics as they truly are, in all their Glory and their Gory.
Well, Los Angeles is in the grip of terror: Andrew Luster, heir to the MAX FACTOR cosmetics fortune, has gone on the run after posting $1 million bail in a date rape case -- they just found his SUV abandoned in upscale Santa Monica.
He could be right around the corner, ready to jump some unsuspecting Angeleno and apply eye shadow in most unflattering ways! He’s got a healthy rosey hue to his cheeks, and evil in his heart. And he could look like anybody -- Max Factor is the makeup of makeup artists!
According to news reports, “Luster fled his beach home in his SUV, taking his German shepherd and Chumash Indian artifacts.” See, Hollywood can make as many movies as it wants like FAMILY MAN which was about how some rich guy really wants to live in New Jersey with a wife and three kids instead of being rich -- everybody knows it’s FUCKING BULLSHIT. Rich people flee the police with CHUMASH INDIAN ARTIFACTS? I’ve seen all the Tarantino movies. I don’t remember Michael Madsen trying to cut off anyone’s ear over Chumash Indian Artifacts. I don’t remember Marvin’s head getting blown off because he accidentally knicked a Chumash Indian Artifact. Did Tarantino to lie me all these years?
So, we’re all in the grip of terror. Andrew Luster: Armed and FABULOUS!
Man, I don’t know anything about this guy’s case, but I’m just hoping he gets the death penalty anyways. Some rich guy in an SUV and Chumash Indian Artifacts? I’m voting for Death Penalty. It’s a date rape case about a rich guy who used GHB on some girls, which doesn’t make much sense to me -- he’s RICH. If he wants to have sex, can’t he just go to Skybar and tell girls he’s rich? That’s what everyone else who’s rich in Los Angeles seems to do… That’s why you live in Los Angeles. That’s the whole point…
Anyway, that was all prelude to the best story I read this week.
The German mafia is trying to ruin Steven Seagal’s career.
According to legal documents, Steven Seagal claims that members of the German mafia have threatened to destroy Seagal’s "reputation in the movie industry." Look at this complaint: “The great success of his movies attests to the quality of [Seagal]’s reputation in the movie industry and in the public.” Yeah, the Germans are trying to end all that …
Steven Seagal is LIVING in a Steven Seagal movie. I love that. I wish the Jamaican Posses were involved somehow -- I always liked the one about the Jamaican Posses.
If I were Mike Ovitz -- you’ll remember Mike Ovitz from his lunatic claims last year that the gay mafia was trying to destroy his reputation in the movie industry… if I were Mike Ovitz, and I read this story, I’d be putting together a deal right this second. Gay German mobsters out to destroy the career of a successful movie action hero? The movie action hero just snaps and starts breaking their arms? This would be the best Seagal movie EVER, even better than GLIMMER MAN.
The second-best Seagal movie should star Andrew Luster, the Max Factor heir, and it’d be based on Julia Sweeney’s story about Steven Seagal as reported in LIVE FROM NEW YORK, the SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE oral history. Seagal was generally considered the worst host in history, him or Chevy Chase. Here’s why from the very funny Julia Sweeney (IT’S PAT, GOD SAID HA!): “When we pitched our ideas for Seagal at our Monday meeting, he gave us some of his own ideas. And some of his sketch ideas were so heinous, but so hilariously awful, it was like we were on CANDID CAMERA. He had this idea that he’s a therapist and he wanted Victoria Jackson to be his patient who’s just been raped. And the therapist says, ‘You’re going to have to come to me twice a week for like three years,’ because, he said ‘that’s how therapists fucking are. Theyre just trying to get your money.’ And then he says that the psychiatrist tries to have sex with her.”
MAX FACTOR heir Andrew Luster, written and directed by Steven Seagal, under the supervision of Mike Ovitz? You smell that? Smells like box office. All I need is a three word title. GAY GERMAN MAFIA? HOMOEROTIC OKTOBERFEST MAFIA-FU? MARKED FOR WEINERSCHNITZEL? I’ll think of something.
Saddest news, of course, was Al Hirschfeld passing away, but … if anyone can explain to me how he drew some of what he did week in and week out -- I could never figure out how he was doing it… One of the greats, even if he never did comics, so should mention it…
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
The opinions contained within do not reflect those of Kevin Smith or any other member of the Movie Poop Shoot staff-- -- past, present or future-- -- including possibly the author's own, and should not be taken too seriously.
The tooth thing came out okay, but raised a much more important issue than oral hygiene: does anyone know where I can get my hands on some nitrous tanks? Why aren’t I allowed to have one of those around the apartment? The NRA is cute, but what about my constitutional right to inhale nitrous oxide whenever I want to? Why aren’t they fighting for what’s REALLY important? C’mon, Heston, you damn dirty ape…
INTRODUCTION
Hoo-kay, busy week -- what time I’ve spent with comics has been mostly the new SHONEN JUMP (I like that NARUTO strip; I wish this were coming out weekly like RAIJIIN, which I just don’t like as much), and HAWAIIAN DICK (pretty strong debut, I thought -- it’s an Image detective series set in Hawaii that caught me by surprise; particularly good atmosphere).
So, I need to get caught up what’s going on in comics… let’s see…
Nothing. Nothing’s going on. Wow. Come on, something has to be going on. Let me look at the news: boring, boring, pathetic boring, boring, useless, boring, boring, idiotic, boring…
Well, there’s one thing I find just sad more than anything – this isn’t much for funny: there’s the creator of a Marvel book called EDEN’S TRAIL, which I must admit is a comic that completely got past my radar. I’ve never heard of it. Anyway, he’s upset because Marvel hired Chuck Austen to rewrite him, and he’s terribly unhappy about what happened as a result.
And I feel for the kid a little: Why publish a book when you don’t believe in the creator? Even if the creator was part of an earlier editorial regime -- bury the book, don’t promote it, fine, fine, but why rewrite it too? What’s the point of that? And … why, of all the people on god’s green Earth, would Chuck Austen be your go-to guy to repair dialogue??? Is Chuck Austen particularly well-known for his dialogue skills??? I’ve not read many of his comics, but… I can’t say I’ve ever heard him having that reputation. The reputation I’m starting to develop in my own head for Chuck Austen is more like “WHO KEEPS HIRING CHUCK AUSTEN???” Which isn’t to say the guy’s bad, but he went from some WAR MACHINE comic to writing Marvel’s flagship comic? Huh?
That’d be like me going from writing this column to writing Ann Landers or Dear Abby. People wouldn’t understand. “I asked him for advice in raising my kid, and he started ranting about how the Incredible Hulk’s pants should rip from the crotch and not just the calves. What does that even mean?? Oh great, look at that -- my kid’s hooked on heroin. FUCK YOU, ANN LANDERS!!! Signed, Fucking Confused by Bruce Banner’s Penis Not ‘Hulking Out’, too, But More Important Things To Worry About in Syracuse.”
Granted, the kid’s original dialogue was stuff like “NOT ANOTHER STEP, SHERRIF, OR I’LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TRACKED ME DOWN ALL THIS WAY, BUT YOU BETTER BELIEVE I AIN’T GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!” Austen didn’t exactly urinate on the Sistene Chapel. I don’t even think you could urinate on the Sistene Chapel, physically, unless you were some sort of porn star, maybe.
You know, it’s only a matter of time before some Italian performance artist gets a bunch of porn star dudes together to see if any of them can urinate on the Sistene Chapel. I don’t know much about performance art, and I don’t know much about Italians, but I really feel confident that’ll be just around the corner.
As it is, I’m pretty upset (“pissed,” if you will) because I missed a gallery opening for Piss Christ Guy. Piss Christ Guy is an artist who got famous for putting a crucifix into a glass of urine -- there was a time when that was all you had to do to get famous in the art world. Nowadays, it takes smearing elephant feces on a painting of the Virgin Mary, which is considerably more effort. For one thing, do you know how many art stores carry elephant feces?
Piss Christ Guy had a gallery show of his latest work in Los Angeles recently -- I saw it in the paper too late to go. Do you think if I tried to urinate on the guy who did Piss Christ, I’d be arrested? Do you think he’d call me a “poser?” Could he accuse me of “ruining” the art? Okay, now, what if instead of Piss Christ, what about John Byrne? I mean, I’ll grant you, John Byrne never put religious icons into urine, but woulda-coulda-shoulda…
Harlan Ellison, in one of his books (I love Harlan, but man, would he ever hate this column) -- he has this story about a guy at a science fiction convention who tried to throw a paper cup full of vomit at some science fiction writer. Just the level of planning some people are capable of is so outstanding. Really quickly: I’m not saying you should go out and try to projectile wee onto has-been loudmouth blowhard comic book people. This is more of an intellectual exercise in imagining the ramifications of projectile wee-ing, not an incitement… There are people in think tanks who do this sort of thing all day. John Byrne is suing three think tanks right now. He’s tearing his hair out, just screaming, ”FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP THINKING ABOUT PEEING ON ME!!!!” But, you know, the high stakes world of science, man, once people recognize an avenue where there’s grant money? That’s what drives the research is the grant money… It’s simply out of John Byrne’s hands.
Anyway, this kid who got rewritten: that happens all the time in movies, but … movies make money. I’m always fascinated when the comics industry tries to act nefarious like a real entertainment industry. The product used to cost a QUARTER. It only costs, at most, $3 now. But suddenly, these guys are MOGULS! I’m just waiting for Joe Quesada to have his eyelids Asian-ized a la Robert Evans… Somebody needs to really crap up comics, and on purpose -- as much as CrossGen would normally get that award from me, they actually think they’re doing a good job which is more sad somehow…
Anyway, this kid who got rewritten: This kid -- they rewrote his comic. They got the wrong guy to do it. Is that great? No. He goes on the Internet to complain? You know, it’s a moment of anger, and it’s a really human thing to do, to want to share what happened.
But sometimes you just have to shut up and take it.
Just because comics are (theoretically) for kids doesn’t mean it’s run by kids. From what I can tell, there’s some pretty bitter, fucked-up adults running around it, just like any gig. And you know… we all hate those people at Newsarama or the Pulse(seriously, if any of you are reading this right now: we ALL hate you; you’re ridiculous) who pretend like comics is run by MISTER EVIL MAN who sits around all day imagining how to ruin the lives of comic book fans. I’m not saying that.
But hell, the guy’s doing all this talking too much, what, two weeks after Quesada goes crazy on Peter David, a name writer. And just to recap, why did Quesada go crazy on Peter David? For talking too much!
Sure, I’d love to live in a world where it pays to fight all the time. But -- YOUR CAREER IN THE COMIC BOOK INDUSTRY isn’t the Timothy Hutton classic TURK 182. It just isn’t, as much as I wish it was. “ZIMMERMAN FLEW. TYLER KNEW. TURK 182” might have worked for Timothy Hutton for a little while, but when was the last time you saw Tim Hutton in a movie, let me ask you? You don’t want to end up like that. No one wants to end up like Timothy Hutton. Okay, maybe Andrew McCarthy, but at that point, we’re just splitting hairs… And yes, Jonathan Silverman would kill to have ended up like Andrew McCarthy, even though they both reached their career zeniths in WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S together. Even still, I bet Silverman’s insanely jealous.
You know who turned out great? Phoebe Cates. Phoebe Cates was in a movie called the ANNIVERSARY PARTY -- not my favorite movie by any means, but she looks great and she acted the shit out of that movie. You’ll remember her from the pool scene from FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, but I swear to god, she blew Jennifer Jason Leigh right off the screen. So I bet both Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman get together on weekends and just combine their Phoebe Cates envy in some sort of fucking Vulcan envy-meld.
Man, imagine what your life would be if you were in WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S (or as I like to call that movie, HBO3). Imagine if that was your acting career, was people coming up to you saying “I loved the dead guy you were acting with. You were okay, but that CORPSE WAS HILARIOUS!”
What does anyone in comics have to complain about, in comparison? Nothing. Whiny little shits.
You just tuned me out right after I said Phoebe Cates, didn’t you? I bet we lost 90% of our readers as soon as they hit that name. “Oh yeah, the pool scene in FAST TIMES…” You’re welcome, GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH.
DIAMOND COMICS SAYS
Every Monday, we provide a list of products shipping for
the current week, as well as those products expected to
ship the following week!
Shipping This Week: January 22
The following products are expected to ship to comic book
specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative
and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for availability.
PREMIER PUBLISHERS
DARK HORSE
NOV020020 PUBO #2 (Of 3) $3.50
Clarence Thomas is getting paid $1 million dollars for his autobiography. Who’s going to read Thomas’s autobiography? Just read Scalia’s, and it’ll be the same thing. God, I’ve read Thomas’s legal opinions, and those were nightmares to read -- he’s a pretty stupid guy, I thought.
That book’s going to have to be wall-to-wall pubic hairs to be even halfway readable. It’s going to have to be printed on paper woven out of the pubic hair of Chinese kids for me to even pick it up at the bookstore. Though, I guess that’s inconsistent because if it were made of Chinese-kid pubic hair, I wouldn’t be in any hurry to get my paws onto it.
I mean, President Moron can talk about Affirmative Action being bad all he wants -- he got it by being a rich kid, same as the date rapist; that’s the only reason he got into the Ivy League because rich kids get Affirmative Action, too. And Clarence Thomas got it because he wouldn’t be on the court otherwise…
That whole University of Michigan thing -- you know, I got rejected by the University of Michigan law school, too. Did I sue anyone? No. I just went to a law school that DID accept me. It’s not like that’s the only law school in the country. It’s not even the best one! I’m a law school graduate and a Michigan alumni, too, so that story annoys the shit out of me. Mostly because of the “victim.” Have you seen that blonde girl they dug up whining on television? That’s the thing I love the most about the Republican Party: anytime they’re trying to do some really nefarious shit, they’ll dig up a blonde girl. Ann Coulter’s whole career is “well, they needed some blonde girl.” That’s her whole career!
Republicans always talk about Clinton stealing their ideas, but man, they took the Democrats’ best idea ever: loose women. That’s been the Democratic party’s selling point for years. What do we have left? Joe Lieberman? What the fuck?
Anyway, say what you will about the policy because you know, that’s one of those things in politics where there’s no right answer. There’s no right answer to Affirmative Action -- who knows??? But let me tell you -- the reason that little blonde girl didn’t get into Michigan wasn’t because she’s white. It’s cause she’s a bimbo.
She has this sound byte where they ask her, “When you were rejected, what was the first thing you thought?” And she literally says: “The first thing I thought when I was rejected to law school was ‘It’s cause I’m white!’” Which… you know, I got rejected by that same school. The first thing I thought was: “Guess I’m a moron.” And I’m not white, I’ll grant you, so maybe I can’t understand the pain of being white, but… I always thought “Guess I’m a moron” was a pretty rational response, at least for a first response.
If she wanted to go to law school, she’d have been in law school -- she just wanted to whine about how hard it is being a white blonde girl… Because anytime I go to a bar, it’s the white blonde girls who are really having the hardest time, with all the free drinks and the creepy old dudes trying to fuck them… they’re martyrs, they’re martyrs…
What happened to the word “Bimbo?” Last I saw it, that girl Gary Hart slept with when he was running for President? She was called a bimbo, but after that, the word fell out of fashion. We need that word back. We need to stop shaping national policy based on bimbos, in the meantime.
OCT020047 ROCCO VARGAS STATUE $350.00
OCT020046 SHEPHARD FAIREY JOURNAL OBEY $9.99
Shephard Fairey? What -- he only does the guy sheep? Wait, there’s no such thing as guy sheep -- aren’t those rams? Man, you mess with the rams, you get the horns, Dark Horse…
OCT020037 STAR WARS REPUBLIC #49 $2.99
OCT020035 SUPER MANGA BLAST #28 (MR) $5.99
God, I could turn this column into a weekly “Look at what manga is doing to comics” if I were sniffing enough glue. It’s amazing -- anytime you see a story about anything else, it’s so incredibly second-class to this story.
Because when I was growing up, there was this magazine called the Comics Journal that every month would be about the same thing: comics are DYING! And in the ‘90s, they basically did. They pretty much died in the 1990s. That’s been my mentality for so long, that I was, you know, Last of the Mohicans, a fan of this dying artform… There was sort of manga back then, but it wasn’t like now, not at all…
It’s not dying at all. It may not be the comics I grew up with, and it may not be comics that employ any Americans, but… comics will be fine. If there isn’t any American comics anymore, if Marvel went out of business -- would so much really be lost? If they had their shot, and they blew it, who cares? It’d be irrational to care. I could still wander into a Barnes and Noble and pick up something INCREDIBLE, and for a decent price too…
It’s the story of the goddamn century. If I talk about it every week, I’m sorry, but…
DC COMICS
NOV020739 ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #612 $2.25
NOV020749 AQUAMAN ARCHIVES VOL 1 HC $49.95
Where is this Aquaman resurgence coming from? Are there really fans clamoring outside of DC’s offices screaming for more Aquaman? Can’t DC just hose them? They love Aquaman so much -- I say hose ‘em. Tell them that’s how Aquaman takes a shower -- they’ll lunge into the hose.
NOV020720 BATMAN #611 $2.25
NOV020726 BATMAN GOTHAM ADVENTURES #58 $2.25
NOV020728 BIRDS OF PREY #51 $2.50
NOV020731 CATWOMAN #15 $2.50
NOV020757 GREEN LANTERN EMERALD DAWN TP NEW ED $14.95
Oh, this is where they made GREEN LANTERN into a drunk, isn’t it? Green Lantern used to be allergic to yellow things. But then I guess that wasn’t enough, so they made him into a drunk driver, too. Then, that wasn’t enough, so they had him go completely insane and kill all the other Green Lanterns. And then that wasn’t enough so they killed him.
And then that wasn’t enough so they brought him back to life, then killed him again. And then that wasn’t enough so they brought him back to life, only without an asshole. And then they did that Chinese water torture only using Hydrochloric acid on him instead. And then they shoved hot pokers into his peephole.
Yeah, Green Lantern -- someone at DC just doesn’t like Green Lantern…
Why was Green Lantern a drunk driver?? What was the point of that?
NOV020761 JLA THE SPECTRE SOUL WAR #1 (Of 2) $5.95
Well, as long as the Spectre doesn’t get one of those SOUL PATCHES. Those just don’t look good on anyone, do they? Well, maybe the SPECRTRE could make it work.
JUL020261 METAMORPHO DLX ACTION FIGURE PI
NOV020784 ROBOTECH THE MACROSS SAGA VOL 1 TP $14.95
NOV020787 SLEEPER #1 (MR) $2.95
Well, gosh -- it’s Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips, both of whom I like a lot. On the other hand, it’s a spin-off from my least favorite comic of the year so far and my least favorite Brubaker book ever -- POINT BLANK, which was a really miserable experience… just an awful comic book, despite really good art -- the type of comic book where I feel perfectly alright in describing it as “the sort of thing that should never be published.” And it’s not a “so bad it’s good” kind of thing either -- I’m not recommending you seek it out. It’s just a “giant waste of time” bad, not funny bad.
Still, I liked Brubaker’s DEADENDERS a lot. I do like Ed Brubaker. So maybe I’ll give it a chance. I’m not sure. I’m about at my limit of series I can juggle. I’m a little past that limit. Sometimes I get nosebleeds … that’s not good, right?
Haha, that’d make me the biggest nerd in all of comics, wouldn’t it? “I read so many comics I got a nosebleed!”
Finally, I have a goal in life… oh yes, this nose will bleed! Oh yes! That’s my new goal now…
NOV020743 SUPERGIRL #78 $2.50
AUG020313 SUPERMAN ARRIVAL IN SMALLVILLE STATUE $175.00
NOV020769 TITANS #49 $2.75
NOV020789 WILDCATS VERSION 3.0 #6 (MR) $2.95
NOV020810 Y THE LAST MAN #7 (MR) $2.95
IMAGE
OCT021778 BUTCHER KNIGHT 1-4 SET $9.99
NOV021764 INVINCIBLE #1 $2.95
There’s a preview of the first four pages of this comic on the Internet. Page four is the main character on a toilet with his pants down around his ankles, reading a comic book.
I know they say “Write what you know,” but …
Can you imagine if you were on a toilet reading a comic book when the comic book turned into a guy on a toilet reading a comic book? I’d think there was a spy-cam beaming me shitting onto the Internet somewhere. They have those, you know -- shit-spycams. It’d get me really paranoid, anyway.
Yeah, I’m passing on this -- too postmodern…
NOV021771 PARADIGM #5 (MR) (Note Price) $2.95
MARVEL
In ”What the fucking fuck?” news, according to an article by Arune Singh, Marvel has gotten Arun Gandhi, Mahatma Gandhi’s grandson and co-founder of the M.K Gandhi Institute for Non-Violence, to write the introduction to some comic called … it’s a comic about nonviolence, so instead of 911, they’re calling it 411. Which I can’t claim to even pretend to understand because… couldn’t you call 411 and ask for the phone number to a gunshop? Sure you could.
But CHUCK AUSTEN IS ONE OF THE WRITERS (!?!? He keeps getting hired -- he’s like Jason from the Friday the 13th movies -- he just keeps coming at you, and coming at you and coming at you…)… so I’m sure it’ll all make sense.
So, yeah, a nonviolence comic called 411(???)… because that’s what everyone reads comics for: that visually exciting nonviolence.
But what really fascinates me about this story is: Arune Singh, Arun Gandhi -- where are all these Indians coming from??? I’m Indian-American myself, you see, and as far as I know -- yeah, as far as I know, I seriously thought I was the only one reading comics. I seriously thought it was just me. I’ve been to comic book conventions -- I’ve looked around. No Indians there. Were they all busy studying for the MCAT that day? I just thought they didn’t exist -- it was probably the MCAT.
But Indians taking over the scene, man. You know what this means? We’re halfway to a fucking bitchin’ musical number! Bollywood in the Hizhouse!
It’s like Amitabh Bachchan spelled it out in Namak Halal: “I can talk English, I can walk English, I can laugh English because English is a very phunny language. Bhairo becomes Byron because their minds are very narrow."
Finally, there’ll be people I can rap with about all the Indians in comic books and animation like… Apu on the Simpsons or … Manjula, Apu’s wife on the Simpsons… or … I think Apu has an uncle, too. I remember when DC published XOMBI how excited I was that they were doing a comic about a Korean guy. I was like, “Korea! Close enough!”
Arun Gandhi? Marvel comics? I really shouldn’t use swear words with this story, obviously, but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??? You know, a new VENOM comic book I was expecting. This? This I wasn’t expecting. Caught me by surprise, Marvel -- well played. Well played…
NOV022041 AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #49 $2.25
NOV022018 CAPTAIN AMERICA #8 $2.99
NOV022068 CAPTAIN AMERICA VOL 1 THE NEW DEAL HC $22.99
NOV022014 DAREDEVIL #42 $2.99
NOV022056 FANTASTIC FOUR #65 $2.25
NOV022080 INCREDIBLE HULK MIKE DEODATO JR POSTER $5.95
NOV022059 PARADISE X RAGNAROK #1 (Of 2) $2.99
NOV022073 PUNISHER VOL 3 BUSINESS AS USUAL TP $14.99
NOV022044 SPIDER-MAN LEGEND OF THE SPIDER CLAN #4 (Of 5) $2.25
NOV022027 UNCANNY X-MEN #418 $2.25
NOV022036 WEAPON X #5 $2.25
Yeah, WEAPON X, PUNISHER, RAGNAROK -- a comic book about nonviolence fits right in pretty snugly, doesn’t it? What weird news…
WIZARD
NOV022250 WIZARD EDGE 2003 LINSNER DAWN CVR $4.99
NOV022251 WIZARD EDGE 2003 PAT LEE TRANSFORMERS CVR $4.99
COMICS
NOV022405 3 LITTLE KITTENS SGN #1 (Of 3) $10.00
This is that crazy Jim Balent Loves Titty book. The guy just loves titty. He loves it more than life itself. I don’t even think there are any characters or good guys or bad guys -- I think this comic is just disembodied breasts wearing capes, flying around, fighting crime. Shooting milk at evildoing breasts. Balent should get Russ Meyer’s kid to do the introduction. That’d be classy.
I mean, lots of guys think they love tits. No, man -- they may like tit. They may like staring at tit, or like kissing tit, or whatever. But give it up -- Jim Balent’s CAREER is tits. He’s the Ann Coulter of tits (what?). Imagine the long hours he’s spent drawing tits. Imagine the years he spent learning the anatomy of the tit, or how to draw the tit in perspective. Imagine the eons he spent meditating upon the tit until his third tit opened and the secrets of the tittyverse were whispered into his ears.
You think you love tit? No, man, Jim Balent loves tit. You don’t love anything but yourself!
OCT022643 A G SUPER EROTIC ANTHOLOGY #6 (A) $4.99
NOV022790 ALL NEW TENCHI MUYO PART 2 #4 (Of 5) $2.95
NOV022342 ARCHIE DOUBLE DIGEST #140 $3.59
NOV022797 BATTLE ANGEL ALITA LAST ORDER PART 1 #5 $2.95
NOV022345 BETTY & VERONICA #184 $2.19
AUG022011 BRIDE OF DEIMOS GN #2 $9.95
AUG022270 CASTLE WAITING #16 $2.95
Castle Waiting for me to buy it? Castle Keep waiting.
This is a comic about nuns with facial hair. Or something. It’s good. It’s not a bad comic -- it’s a good comic. I just don’t read it -- nuns with facial hair. It grossed me out… You know, lots of good books I don’t read. This is one of them.
NOV022415 CROSSOVERS #1 $2.95
This is the first CrossGen “Code Six” book, which was a concept I was excited by at first. Code Six is CrossGen’s creator-owned line, I believe, or -- it was very confusing because they announced two separate lines at the same time. But CROSSOVERS is the first of those books.
It’s some “a family of genre cliches” thing by Rob Rodi, the CODENAME KNOCKOUT guy. I don’t know. I wish it luck, but CrossGen just seems too rigid to put out anything really knockout… I hear Rodi’s better than CODENAME KNOCKOUT let on, there’s a lot of good word around his upcoming THOR work, but…
Yeah, I just don’t have any faith in CrossGen any which way you cut it. I hear okay things about the PATH, but… they’re just so BLAND. It’s so ridiculously BLAND. Life’s too short…
NOV022455 CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON GN #2 $13.95
NOV022423 CRUX #22 KEY ISSUE PI
NOV022296 CUSP ONE SHOT (MR) $3.95
NOV022638 DAWN CONVENTION SKETCH BOOK LTD ED $20.00
SEP022127 DILDO #1 (A) $3.50
Finally, a comic you can give to your girlfriend! If she’s dating you, she needs it!
I love it when comic fans get all excited that they managed to guilt their girlfriends into reading a comic book. Because if you listen to the talk radio, there are all those guys who call the talk radio shows trying to guilt their girlfriends into anal sex, trying to get tips on how to con these poor girls into the anal.
And yet these geeks think they’ve won a marathon because their girlfriend paged through a copy of CAPTAIN AMERICA once…
NOV022324 DRAGON ARMS #2 $3.50
NOV022802 DRAGONBALL PART 6 #1 (Of 8) (Note Price) $3.50
NOV022655 DUNGEON #4 $2.95
OCT023102 ELNA SAGA MANGA #2 $12.99
NOV022446 ELVIRA #117 $2.50
NOV022704 FADE FROM BLUE #2 2ND PTG (Note Price) $1.50
OCT025232 FREEMIND #0 (PU#553) $2.25
OCT025233 FREEMIND #1 (PU#553) $3.50
OCT025234 FREEMIND #2 (PU#553) $3.50
OCT025235 FREEMIND #3 (PU#553) $3.50
NOV022690 GENUS MALE #2 (A) $4.99
Yeah, I was looking for something in a different Phylum, but nice try…
NOV022810 GUNDAM THE ORIGIN #4 $7.95
JUL022135 HYPER DOLLS VOL 2 GN $15.95
DEC022912 INITIAL D VOL 4 GN (Of 20) (RES) $9.99
NOV022666 INTERMAN GN VOL 1 (MR) $19.95
Oh, INTERMAN -- I saw the preview for this at San Diego. It’s an Adventure strip in the tradition of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK or JONNY QUEST or things like that, I think. It has a sort of classical, old-school feel to it. Ahmmmm.. here’s a quote from Greg Rucka (QUEEN AND COUNTRY, BATMAN) that spells it out -- I’m having a hard time explaining this thing: “A grand world tour in the greatest James Bond tradition, with a hero that could have come from Ludlum's pen, but with the sensibilities, brains, and heart of a true 21st Century hero. Parker's INTERMAN is one to watch!" That seems right… it just has very old-fashioned adventure comic (as opposed to action comic) values… This might be okay.
OCT023106 J BOY MANGA #2 $10.99
DEC022731 JANES WORLD #2 $2.95
OCT023108 JOJOS BIZARRE ADVENTURE #7 $7.99
OCT022694 KOLCHAK NIGHT STALKER FEVER PITCH GN (MR) $6.95
NOV022714 KREEKY PLAYGROUND 3 PACK (O/A) $7.50
OCT022302 LITTLE GLOOMY ADVENTURES #1 $3.95
NOV022328 LUFTWAFFE 1946 #5 $5.95
NOV022791 MEDABOTS VOL 4 TP FINALE $9.95
OCT022653 MEGATOKYO CHAPTER ZERO $9.95
NOV022597 METABARONS VOL 4 TP IMMACULATE CONCEPTION $9.95
OCT025237 METALLIX #1 (PU#553) $3.50
OCT025238 METALLIX #2 (PU#553) $3.50
PU? None of the other titles had PU next to them. PU? God’s trying to tell you something METALLIX…
NOV022644 MOONSTONE MONSTERS MUMMIES #1 (O/A) $2.95
NOV022643 MOONSTONE MONSTERS WEREWOLVES #1 (O/A) $2.95
AUG022274 MUTANT TEXAS TALES OF SHERIFF IDA RED #4 (Of 4) $2.95
NOV022331 NEOTOPIA #1 $3.95
NOV022338 NO NO UFO #5 (A) $3.99
No no, NO NO UFO. No No me buy.
NOV022399 PIRATE TALES MAGAZINE #1 $7.00
OCT022765 POISON ELVES COMPANION $3.50
OCT022644 POPBOT VOL 1 COLLECTION (MR) $35.00
NOV022573 RAIJIN COMICS #7 (MR) $4.95
OCT022594 REAR ENTRY #2 (A) $3.50
This should have been the title for a Kurt Russell-Andy Garcia suspense thriller from the late 1980s. You know, Kurt Russell’s married, but then Andy Garcia’s the crazy cop stalking them. What movie am I thinking of? Some piece of crap…
NOV025106 RGA MAGAZINE #7 (ORDER IN 10S) (MR) $0.99
NOV022429 ROUTE 666 #8 $2.95
NOV022428 SCION #32 $2.95
NOV022382 SHI PANDORAS BOX PREVIEW ADRIAN CVR $5.95
NOV022380 SHI PANDORAS BOX PREVIEW RIO CVR $5.95
NOV022453 SHI PANDORAS BOX PREVIEW RYP CVR $5.95
NOV022381 SHI PANDORAS BOX PREVIEW TUCCI CVR $1.99
NOV022817 SILENT MOBIUS PART 12 HELL #2 (Of 5) $2.95
DEC022514 SNOWMAN TP (O/A) (MR) $18.95
NOV022352 SONIC THE HEDGEHOG #119 $2.19
DEC022391 SPIDER #2 (O/A) $5.00
AUG022401 SPIRITED AWAY VOL 4 TP $9.95
DEC022513 TIM VIGILS WEBWITCH RYP CON NUDE CVR #2 (Of 3) (MR) $5.95
OCT022319 VAMPI #4 DLX ED (O/A) $9.95
OCT022628 VAMPIRELLA #16 LTD CVR ED $9.95
OCT022629 VAMPIRELLA #16 LTD MODEL PHOTO ED $9.95
OCT022627 VAMPIRELLA #16 REG ED $2.99
NOV022794 ZOIDS #12 CHAOTIC CENTURY $5.95
CONCLUSION
Well, let’s hope Arun Gandhi doesn’t find out about this column… hell, for that matter, let’s hope that NO ONE finds out about this column. Most of all, the German mafia and/or the gay mafia and/or the Gay German mafia. Because they ruined Mike Ovitz and they ruined Steven Seagal, and I bet if anyone asked Sinbad, they ruined Sinbad too because when was the last time you saw Sinbad anywhere? Sinbad was a movie star, he was on television shows, and then POOF, like that, he’s gone.
Wait, does that mean that Sinbad was Keyser Soze? I always got confused about that. Hmm, yeah, Sinbad could’ve been Keyser Soze. It’s possible…
I wonder … if I were to put Sinbad into a bucket of urine, would that make me famous in the art world? I think that’s what the next wave of artistic controversies are going to be -- famous people in urine. Wait, no, maybe just Sinbad. Who else could pull it off? Sinbad could be in urine, yelling about how hard it is to drink the milkshake at McDonalds… that’d be art world fabulous.
How do I write these columns on weeks I could so obviously care less about comics? It’s PALPABLE. It’s, like, “yeah, comics are … also interesting. Let me tell you about the time I went FISHING!” I’m halfway to a fishing story.
Oh, the seas were angry that day, my friend… the seas were angry…
Yeah, how do the other columnists do it? How do they care every week? This -- this is a boring week. There’s a couple interesting things coming out -- the INTERMAN thing or whatever, but … January, February -- that’s when all the bad movies come out. Why? Because it’s the armpit of the year. Who enjoys this time of year? May -- that’s a month. October -- that’s a month. July -- it’s a touch hot. But January? Fuck January. When the Indians take over comics, we’re going to get rid of January altogether.
Amitabh Bachchan: your career in comics is coming. Oh yes, any day now, uncle. We’ll split this whole comics thing FIFTY-FIFTY.
I’m not even joking: I seriously thought I was the only Indian-American kid reading comic books. I dead serious thought that was the case. I’ve been to the biggest comic convention in North America, and I was the only one there. I thought it was just me.
Who has time to read comic books when you’re studying for the MCAT? It just doesn’t compute…
Nonviolent comics? Wasn’t the bad art and the bad writing enough? Now they’re going to take out the violence, too? What’ll be left to comics after they take out the violence?
Oh yeah, titty. Jim Balent and his obsession with titty. I forgot.
See, Comics Journal -- comics aren’t dying. They’re becoming more titty-riffic than ever. They’re becoming purified to a State of Pure Titty.
(I know this Conclusion is supposed to actually … CONCLUDE, but…) Did you see that preview image of CrossGen’s LADY DEATH comics? LADY DEATH was a comic previously published by CHAOS until CHAOS went bankrupt and then through all sorts of shady dealings, it got acquired by GEORGE FOREMAN’S GRILLING MACHINE of BLAND that is CrossGen Comics. And LADY DEATH used to be just the worst character in comics -- it was just this girl with ENORMOUS tits. Like, they wouldn’t fit on the page. You’d have to send in coupons to get post-cards that when connected together would maybe let you see the entire tit.
Anyway, CrossGen owns the character now, and there’s an image somewhere, but… they’ve given her that breast-away surgery, the same kind that Punky Brewster got? Punky Brewster, when she grew up, she overdeveloped (I’m not making this up) so she got, you know, de-augmented because of the back pain she was suffering. Same thing happened to LADY DEATH.
So, yeah, CrossGen’s doing the same thing DC and Marvel is now: trying to make old whores look respectable.
Well, on that lovely image -- I don’t think there’s anywhere to go from there… See, this is why I normally don’t do conclusions…
E-MAIL THE AUTHOR |
ARCHIVES
