DIRTY PAIR KEI ACTION FIGURE $13.99
DIRTY PAIR YURI ACTION FIGURE $13.99

If you only buy one of these action figures, it wouldn’t really be the Dirty PAIR, would it? It’d just be the Dirty… the Dirty One. The Dirty One? It’d be like a tiny miniature you. How sweet…

FUTURAMA BRAIN SLUG SQUISHY TOY $9.99

Speaking of Brain Slug Squishy, I finally saw my first JOE MILLIONAIRE, the semi-finals episode. My god, these people are GENIUSES. Because I knew about the whole “he’s lying to girls about being rich” concept, but the attention to details -- whoever came up with having Alfred from the BATMAN comics be a part of that show is a genius. Joe Millionaire has a proper English butler -- just like BATMAN! Joe Millionaire is our generation’s Batman -- he’s as close as it gets. He’s got the money and the mansion and the English butler. What else is there to being Batman? I know I’ve said in the past that Puff Daddy was our generation’s Batman because he has a butler, too, but I guess they’re both Batman.

Wait, no, they can’t both be Batman. One of them must be an imposter Batman. But … but WHO? WHO COULD THE REAL BATMAN BE???

And the thing about the show is he’s not just Joe Fucking Liar -- he’s Joe Complete Goddamned Idiot, too. I’d watch a show about this guy even if he wasn’t lying to all these girls because this guy… he’s 100% moron. Cameras should follow this guy around normally -- he’s lightning in a bottle. People who complain about reality television -- there’s no sitcom as funny as this guy is stupid. There’s no drama that’s dramatic as this guy is stupid. There’s no stupid as this guy is stupid.

Uhm -- I mean, I’ve been really busy at WORK. That’s why I’m a day late… yes, work. My busy life as a Certified Public Accountan -- I mean, lawyer. I’m a lawyer.

The jig is up: I’ve never actually read a comic book before. Are they good? I heard one was good once, but I was too busy fucking. Chris Ryall (aka the GROOM!!! Hahahaha!) just wanted to play a trick on you. I admit it. I’m Joe Comic Book!!!!!

OH MY GODDESS HAND IN HAND TP $17.95
SPYBOY YOUNG JUSTICE TP $9.95
STAR WARS EMPIRE #5 $2.99
STAR WARS TALES VOL 3 TP $19.95

DC COMICS

Why is Batman always fighting the aliens? Why can’t Batman and the aliens be friends? Criminals, I get. Criminals killed Batman’s parents. But Aliens didn’t kill Batman’s parents, I don’t think. There’s no reason for Batman to be pissed at the aliens.

You know, if instead of his parents getting killed, if Bruce Wayne just accidentally walked in on his parents “making love” -- I’d bet you a million dollars that guy’d still have become Batman. Some people in this life are just bummers, dude; Batman’s just a fucking bummer. “My parents were all ‘engorged.’ Criminals must pay.” W-what?

Man, I hate it when the comic about the guy in the leather skintight suit fighting the aliens from outer space doesn’t make any sense… DAMN YOUSE, DC!!!!

BATMAN BRUCE WAYNE FUGITIVE VOL 2 TP $12.95

As you may know, famous music producer Phil Spector ("Unchained Melody," "Be My Baby") got arrested this week for murdering some actress. Which -- all these old rock stars coming out of the woodwork to get into trouble lately is pretty trippy:

Pete Townshend had the whole kiddie porn thing. Phil Spector went and shot some girl. We’re all thinking the same thing, right? How is Keith Richards going to top THAT? Keith Richards is holed up in his rumpus room just laughing his ass off at what he’s about to spring on us, mark my words.

But Spector (who apparently takes Losing that Loving Feelin’ a whole lot more seriously than the rest of us), the first article I read about this whole murder thing had this quote in it. And just to set this up, in case you didn’t know, Phil Specto r(who really was incredibly influential to the history of pop music and really had a brilliant run there way back when) -- Phil Spector was one incredibly nutty fucking guy, basically. He was a lunatic. Just plain and simple, lunatic.

Anyway, here’s a little quote that suddenly has become VITAL to this column: “"It had to stop. Being the rich millionaire in the mansion and then dressing up as Batman. I have to admit I did enjoy it to a certain extent. But I began to realize it was very unhealthy."

JOE MILLIONAIRE isn’t Batman. PUFF DADDY isn’t Batman. Dude, Phil Spector’s Batman. Finally, an answer! Finally, we’ve all learned something from this column, instead of all the “I think comic books are super” fucking BULLSHIT I usually sling. They’re not super. They suck, we’re all wasting our lives, and Phil Spector’s Batman. YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! THE TRUTH IS I STILL FIND THE ‘YOU WANT THE TRUTH’ GAG FUNNY EVEN AFTER ITS BEEN DONE TO DEATH OVER THE COURSE OF FUCKING DEEEECAAAADES. CAN WE NOT COMEDICALLY EVOLVE? WHAT’S NEXT? AUSTIN POWERS CATCHPHRASES? YEAAH BABY.

The scary thing about Phil Spector, who as I mentioned hereinabove is a lunatic, is the first time I read this quote, I literally thought for a moment -- “why does he dress up like Batman?”

I know any publicity is good publicity, but -- if I ever own a famous trademark, and you murder someone, could you do me a favor and not mention my trademark? Thanks, guy -- you’re the best. You’re the best … hypothetical murderer who I’m addressing even though you don’t in fact exist.

BIG DADDY DANGER #7 (Of 9) $2.95
CODENAME KNOCKOUT #21 (MR) $2.75
COSMIC ODYSSEY TP NEW ED $19.95
DETECTIVE COMICS #779 $2.75
DOOM PATROL #17 $2.50
GREEN LANTERN CLASSIC HAL JORDAN ACTION FIGURE PI

GREEN LANTERN CORPS EFFIGY ACTION FIGURE PI

Effigy? What the hell kind of superhero name is EFFIGY? He’s the superhero you light on fire? Effigies are those things poor third world people light on fire, right? I wish someone would tell the poor third world people -- you know, it’s cute that they managed to make a paper mache George Bush. The quality of their arts and crafts is impressive, yes. Summer camp must be so bitching in the third world if their arts and crafts are that good; it must be like that Michael J. Fox movie POISON IVY times a thousand. It must be like Bill Murray in Meatballs and not Patrick Dempsey in Meatballs 3 or Corey Feldman in Meatballs … 4? (Wait, do I have my meatballs continuity right? Comic fans are such crazy freaks over continuity, I’m sure I’ll get hate mail from the Newsarama crowd (i.e. FUCKING DIPSHITS) if I dare get the MEATBALLS-universe continuity off… I’d hate to offend the shithead-eratti of this world…)

Anyway, effigies -- I can’t speak for all Americans, but I know the EXACT SAME THOUGHT goes through my head every time I see news footage of poor people burning someone in effigy:

“MAN, THEY MUST HAVE FUCKING HATED THAT PINATA! WHAT’D THAT PINATA EVER DO TO THEM? LEAVE HIM ALONE!”

And then once that subsides, you know, I just feel sorry that they can’t destroy Starbucks and McDonalds like Americans can. So really, the effigies -- I’m going to go with a thumbs down on the effigies.

GREEN LANTERN CORPS GUY GARDNER ACTION FIGURE PI
HELLBLAZER #180 (MR) $2.75
JUSTICE LEAGUE ADVENTURES #16 $2.25
LOONEY TUNES #99 $2.25
MAD MAGAZINE #427 $3.50
ROBOTECH #3 (Of 6) $2.95
SANDMAN PRESENTS BAST #2 (Of 3) (MR) $2.95
SPECTRE #26 $2.75
SUPERGIRL ANIMATED STATUE $99.95

VERTIGO POP LONDON #4 (Of 4) (MR) $2.95

Bought this; read this. You know, each issue has caught me by surprise. I go into each one not expecting much. Even after the early issues blew me away. Because I think to myself, “There’s no way he’ll pull this off. He won’t keep it up.”

You know, there’s a moment or two I wonder about in the last issue. But all in all, I think this miniseries is about as good as comics get for me, for how I spend my money. There’s flashier books that I get excited about. I get more excited reading 100% or THE FILTH or whatever, but…

This -- it’s just a story. That’s it -- just a story, and it doesn’t pretend to be anything besides that. No flash, no fanciness, no hype, just intelligence. Execution. Characters. Peter Milligan cares about his characters, so we care about them too -- that sounds simple, but … he’s really the best at that bit, isn’t he? I love other writers more, I must admit; other people are better at other things, perhaps. But for characters?… man... Because it wasn’t a premise I was excited by. When the POP Vertigo books got announced, I was least excited by London because it’s not an interesting city to me, or as interesting as Tokyo or Bangkok. But seeing someone great execute at such a high level, it’s exciting, you know? Excellent work.

Phillip Bond’s great, but he’s always this great. Seeing Milligan hit this series as hard as he has -- I just want to talk about him more… but yeah, Bond’s great as ever…

And its just funny to read this comic at the same time as all these old rock stars are going full-on lunatic(the comic’s about an aging British rock star who finds a way to recapture his youth). I like it when things coincide like that. I don’t think its “magic” like Alan Moore or whatever, but, you know, its added fun…

WITCHING HOUR TP (MR) $19.95
YOUNG JUSTICE #54 $2.75
ZERO GIRL FULL CIRCLE #4 (Of 5) $2.95

IMAGE

CLOCK MAKER #1 (Of 12) $2.50

This comic was wrapped in a plastic bag at the store. I think because it’s stapled weird. Usually wrapped in plastic means titty. The comic store doesn’t like it when comic fans smudge the titty with their sweaty, sweaty “I see titty” fingers. But this comic -- well, either it has titty or its stapled funny, or both. Or it has tits which shoot staples out of them, just to please everyone. This comic just aims to please.

This comic might be by Jim Krueger (it came out, but I still have no idea). He did FOOT SOLDIERS. Which was about kids who raid a superhero graveyard to steal their weapons. Great idea for a series? You’d think. What do they take? They take the superhero’s SHOES. Two of the characters, not ONE, but TWO of them had supershoes. And the third had RAGS. I never understood the supershoe thing, let alone the TWO supershoe thing.

I mean, okay, you think of supershoes -- I can see how you’d be willing to put that in a comic. But to think its so genius to put it in TWICE? Was it like “EUREKA! SUPERSHOES!” Because… I don’t think that’s what Archimedes had in mind when he invented the Eureka ray.

EVO #1 $2.99

Is this short for EVOlution or short for dEVO? Because those are two very different concepts. Or are they? I mean, maybe the yellow jumpsuit’s going to have that comeback it always deserved, finally. Maybe when we wear the yellow jumpsuits, we’ll all realize that peace is the only solution. Then again, maybe when we wear the yellow jumpsuit, we’ll all get the shit kicked out of us by people yelling, “Haha! Nerds in yellow jumpsuits. Let’s beat up Devo!” Hmmm, peace doesn’t sound like a solution to that…

FATHOM #1/2 $2.99

HAWAIIAN DICK #2 $2.95

Bought this. Haven’t read it yet, but I liked the first issue. It’s a detective comic set in Hawaii of the 1950s. The problem with a lot of crime comics is they are INCREDIBLY boring to look at. That whole “I don’t like comic books that are fun to look at or that are in any way COMIC” school of comic books. But the choice of setting -- it seems like the choice of setting really let these guys get past that problem. I think the art is aces, too. A reasonable debut. I hope they manage to keep it up…

MICRONAUTS CONVENTION SPECIAL 2002 PI

Suddenly the 20 pages I had planned about launching midgets into outer space aren’t so funny, are they?

This whole disaster -- I feel horrible for the people who died, of course, and their families, the whole “tragedy,” and what have you, but… I don’t know about you, but I’m over space. Is it too soon to talk about this? Well, I hope it’s not, and let me repeat: I’m sorry about the dead astronauts, really I am. But … yeah, fuck space.
I mean, yes -- it is possible to go into space. We now know, thanks to our advanced science and advanced technology, that if you strap an asshole to a rocket, you can literally launch his fucking ass off this planet. Great. That’s great to know. But why would you want to? It’s the same thing with cloning. Yeah, you can clone someone, I suppose. Who cares -- why would you want to? If you want to create another human being, they have this thing called FUCKING that I hear works too.

Bruce Sterling’s latest book TOMMOROW NOW talks about all sorts of interesting ways technology and society could go in the future that I find a million times more intriguing (essentially biological behavior in a technological matrix) (I’m still reading the book so maybe he gets to space eventually -- we’ll see, but I’d be disappointed if he did; great book if you like reading futurism -- Sterling’s fiction I don’t much care for, but his nonfiction always feels spot on).

Space? It’s cold. It’s empty. You think you’re going to get your comics on Wednesday if you’re on the space station? They’re not sending your comics, dude. You’re going to fuck an alien? Aliens might want to shove something in your ass, but I never heard of any redneck returning the favor.

I’d just have to think there’s better places in science that research dollar could go. Could someone figure out how we can stop fishing faster than the ocean can make fish? Why am I the only person worried about that? Or what about just a plain old death ray? Remember when they would promise us that we’d have death rays? Instead, nooooo, you want to go the MOON. Well, let me ask you this, professor: How’s going to the moon going to help me death-ray Catherine Zeta Jones?

Yeah, you heard me. I’m sick of those goddamned cell phone ads. She’s a fucking MULTIMILLIONAIRE and she’s hawking cell phones? If you were super-rich before you got married, and you went and married some super rich old lech like Michael Douglas, and you became this megarich couple, would you really hawk cell phones in your spare time? What was wrong with traveling the world, lying on a beach, rubbing your ample, ample bosom, touching your long, luxurious legs, having a cabana boy gently press your firm buttocks, and… Oh, wait -- fuck that -- she’d rather sell CELL PHONES, instead, so she can have even more money. I say DEATH RAY the money-grubber. Why’s Anna Nicole Smith some sort of joke, while the Cell Phone Poster Girl’s getting Oscar talk? I don’t get it.

Andy Kindler, a really amazing comedian, just crazy funny -- he had this joke about Jason Alexander, who made a zillion dollars off of playing George Costanza on Seinfeld. He was talking about how Alexander now does adds for KFC, and he says “I don’t know what the definition of selling out is, exactly, but I’m pretty sure holding a bucket of fried chicken on television is a part of that definition.”(I’m paraphrasing here -- I don’t remember how he said it; better)

So, yeah, FUCK NASA. (what?)

And aliens -- come on. Even if aliens did come, five years after the aliens showed up, you know where we’d end up. It’d just be a bunch of aliens complaining about Bill Jemas on the Newsarama message boards. We’d teach them our ways. You expose our civilization to an alien -- five weeks later, I have to hear some green Martian fuck talk about how he wants to “Break into” writing IRON MAN comics… I got to pass on that.

I mean, rockets, space shuttles -- I’m really only impressed by whatever makes cell phones possible. Satellites? I have no idea. They could work because of Leprauchan Magic for all I know. Cell phones are a more interesting technology than a space shuttle to my mind. Technophobes use cell phones. Cell phones affect more lives. Right now, there’s some Islamic terrorist plotting the deaths of everyone in the bad ole’ West on some Nokia. What Islamic terrorist has a space shuttle? None that I know. Though Terrorist Astronauts -- that sounds like a great name for a psychedelic rock band, doesn’t it? A space shuttle -- they going to let your ass on that shuttle? Dude, if the guy in N’SYNC can’t get on that shuttle, then they’re not letting your fanboy ass on it. The same principles that apply at Skybar apply to outer space…

And the whole idea that our lives are going to be revolutionized by a scientific endeavor that requires a large central bureaucracy that’s oblivious to market needs… why would you expect that to work? I’m not a libertarian, I’m not Mister Markets, but, you know… that’s not really how things work anymore, is it?

I don’t know, man. I’m over space. Still, it’s a tragedy. I mean, yeah, more people die doing X, but … you can’t help but feel like something gets lost anyway? I’m just not sure WHAT exactly. There’s a feeling of loss, but I don’t really know why…

PRO LTD SGN AND NUMBERED CONVENTION ED (MR) $24.95

… It’s a comic book about a whore! $25 for a comic book about a whore? Was I the only one to notice it’s about a whore? Why would you want a whore-comic to be signed and numbered? And couldn’t you just get an issue of PRO signed by a real whore for less than $25? Santa Monica Boulevard, around the Hollywood area, near that car wash, you could get a transvestite hooker to sign your PRO comic… I’d have to say $5 for one that almost looks like a girl, and less if you don’t mind some facial hair. A girl-man with a beard, maybe you pay a buck-fifty.

I don’t enjoy saying you’re wasting your money, but I do enjoy saying you’re a fucking goddamned fucking moron if you fucking spend fucking twenty-five hard-earned dollars you stole from your poor grandma’s purse to buy this piece of crap, you fucking stupid little shit.

I enjoy saying that a lot. But I don’t enjoy saying you’re wasting your money. It’s weird. You’d think I’d enjoy those two phrases equally, seeing as I consider them both equally true, and yet…

TOMB RAIDER #26 $2.99

MARVEL

Dude, DUDE -- I totally met the girl from this comic book. We had to hire a private detective at work to locate someone to serve a subpoena on them, so I got to call up my first private investigator, who happened to be a lady P.I. And this comic is dead-on. She was HILARIOUS, completely interesting (a touch of the nutty, but in a nice way). We’re incredibly boring lawyers, but it was the coolest thing ever -- she managed to find a person’s address based basically on two super-tiny scraps of information that I had and a name (and not some foreign name either, an incredibly common name).

And she’s even calling the person we were trying to find up, and lying her ass off to this person, using a “cover story.” The P.I. called up our target person, and tricked her into thinking the P.I was her buddy or something -- and the target has no idea what happened, but the PI’s telling me how she lied and lied and lied to this person and the P.I.’s LAUGHING ABOUT it. Like, she sounded so happy with her job after having just lied to some total stranger -- that was her JOB. It was BIZARRE.

Interesting experience. If you ever get the chance to hire a private investigator -- if you think even for a half-second your girlfriend’s shacking up with the pizza delivery guy, or that your mom spit into the casserole, or you can’t find your car keys -- I highly recommend the experience.

This comic: man, Michael Gaydos and Matt Hollingsworth are really jiving well for me lately. Gaydos’s stuff, and the way Hollingsworth takes it to the next level like maybe only he really can… it seems like its better lately. Maybe I’m crazy.

APACHE SKIES TP (MR) $12.99

ELEKTRA GREG HORN POSTER $5.95
EXILES #22 $2.25

FANTASTIC FOUR UNSTABLE MOLECULES #2 (Of 4) $2.99

Aaah, no time to talk about this like it deserves. More on this book next month. Much more. Positive stuff about the book. Obviously a lot to talk about after this book got so much shit before it came out.

MARVEL DOUBLE SHOT #4 (Of 4) $2.99

MARVILLE ORIGINVILLE #5 $2.25

Is this the origin of Marville? The origin of Marville… didn’t Bill Jemas just get high? I thought he just got high. How is that a comic??? 22 pages of Bill Jemas getting high? Well, still got to be better than the other issues of Marville. Might be an improvement. I hope he gets high huffing paint. If it’s just, you know, run of the mill coke or grass or something -- hmmm, no, I got to vote for 22 pages of Bill Jemas huffing paint and then coming up with Marville. Anything less than that isn’t worthy of the Mighty Marvel name (mighty Marvel? I’m second from another Ultraverse reference, aren’t I? Hey, no need to be a HARDCASE about it… ughhhhh…)

PUNISHER #21 $2.99

RAWHIDE KID #1 (Of 5) (MR) $2.99

Wow, here we go -- it’s gay cowboy time! Wait, I’ve been to the shop already! Shit, I forgot. You know, I didn’t even notice this in the comic shop! Did this really come out? I wasn’t looking for it, but… this just got by me. I was in a hurry today… Though you know, I wasn’t in the gay cowboy comic part of the store. I was in a hurry so I didn’t get over to that section. DAMMIT, the one time I don’t check the gay/lesbian cowboy part of my comic shop, and look what I miss… was I planning on buying this? I don’t even know anymore. Hmmmm, yeah, probably not. I just think being a cowboy’s a choice you don’t have to make, and yes, I mean choice. And that goes double for that country western singer from the second season of the Real World. Put the cowboy hat down, and leave, uh, the Irish guy alone…

Seriously, I was in a hurry. I didn’t notice SHONEN JUMP came out today until I was out the door, and that’s a book I really enjoy getting. Just hurrying…

SPIDER-GIRL #57 $2.25
THOR #59 $2.25
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #36 $2.25
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN VOL 5 PUBLIC SCRUTINY TP $11.99
X-MEN UNLIMITED #41 $3.50

Here is an unabashedly pro-Wolverine website. You’ve been warned. br>

WIZARD

INQUEST GAMER YU GI OH CVR #95 $4.99

This is the biggest thing going in kid’s cartoons right now. And it’s based on a Japanese comic that’s getting serialized in an anthology I pick up, SHONEN JUMP. I’m not into the comic at all, but I glanced at it the other day.

What I found interesting: the very second episode has a subplot in which the main character, Yu Gi Oh or whoever, is thrilled because his buddy is going to give him a copy of a porno movie the buddy bought. That’s the comic the BIGGEST kid’s cartoon going right now is based on!

Don’t you wish the Japanese would just elect Willy Wonka their emperor and get it over with? It’s like they’re from a different planet, sometimes. The little kid’s face when he’s getting lent the porno, in this comic -- he looks so HAPPY to be getting porno.

COMICS

This is a nice little horror comic that I have some good things to say about, but it’s only a 3-issue miniseries. Which, if you do the math, means for the trade, you’re getting charged $6 per issue? That’s nearly a 100% markup on the original cost, minim --

I’m sorry -- I just lost my train of thought because of a pop-up window. You know the thing I hate most about those little popup windows? All of them are about the same thing -- “ARE YOU SICK OF POP-UP WINDOWS?” That’s all those pop-up windows ever say! It’s the equivalent of the ol’ “STOP HITTING YOURSELF” move, which… if you look like I think a comic book fan probably looks, you’ve probably had done on you many a time… “Stop hitting yourself! Why do you keep hitting yourself? I’m not hitting you -- I’m not hitting you. You’re hitting yourself.” I had a popup blocker thing, but it went crazy. It was blocking EVERYTHING. YAHOO? Yahoo’s a popup, right? Got to block Yahoo!

Anyway, yeah, nice book, fun work by everyone involved, Steve Niles, Ben Templesmith, both talented guys and I’m happy for them that this book hit, but what’s with the $6 per issue thing?

ADA LEE VOL 1 (O/A) (A) $9.95
ARCHIE AND FRIENDS #67 $2.19
BANZAI GIRL #3 (Of 4) $2.95
BETTY #122 $2.19
BETTY & VERONICA DIGEST #136 $2.39
BONDAGE FAIRIES FAIRIE FETISH COLLECTION TP (A) $19.95
BOOTLEG #7 (RES) (A) $3.95
BRATPACK S&N LTD ED HC (O/A) (MR) $50.00
BURN #1 (O/A) (MR) $3.50

CASA HOWHARD VOL 2 SC (A) $10.95

I heard an ad on the radio an hour ago for girlgasm pills; I’ve never heard an ad for those before. I can’t remember the name of the pills, but it was basically girlgasm pills. The ad was some girl constantly yelling, “Hey, ladies -- you want the thunder down under? Come by the KEY CLUB and take our free pills. They’ll give you the thunder down under.” What really blew me away though about the girlgasm pills was when the girl said “effects have been known to be amplified if taken along with a MULTIVITAMIN.” Yeah, the next time your girlfriend wants you to return the favor, just throw her a carton of Flintstone vitamins. That’s all that whiner needs.

CERES CELESTIAL LEGEND PART 4 #4 (Of 4) $3.50

COURTNEY CRUMRIN & THE COVEN OF MYSTICS #2 (Of 4) $2.95

A Coven of Mystics? Huh? A coven of witches, okay. A coven of warlocks, fine. But can you even have a coven of mystics? Isn’t a mystic just codeword for fake psychic? Why would you want a coven of those? Also, why would you want this comic? No, seriously. It’s -- they really weren’t too concerned with making a likable main character in the first two issues of the last miniseries. That wasn’t something that really seemed like a priority. I didn’t really get what I was supposed to be reading. It, you know -- it was just confusing. It was either a kid’s comic about a psychopath, or a grown up comic about little kids playing with MAGICAL SPELLS… huh?

DEADBEATS #57 $2.50
DEEVEE MOLOTOV $4.95
DF BATGIRL YEAR ONE SGN #1 $19.99
DF BATTLE OF THE PLANETS LTD FOIL CVR #1/2 $5.00
DF CAPTAIN AMERICA 9.8 CGC GRADED #1 PI
DF DARKNESS ALT CVR #1 DOUBLE SHOT PACK $10.00
DF GI JOE FRONTLINE #1 PERFECT 10 PACK $10.00
DF ROBOTECH REMARKED #1 $69.99
DF ROBOTECH SGN #0 $19.99
DF ROBOTECH SGN #1 $19.99
DF THE TRUTH SGN #1 $19.99

DOGWITCH #4 (MR) $2.95

Wait, is there more than one Dogwitch? Because then you’d have a coven of Dogwitches (which I’d still have to argue is more legitimate than a coven of mystics). And if you had a coven of Dogwitches… would they all surround a cauldron or could you put them around a table? Also, could they be using tarot cards? You see where I’m going with this? Hmmmm, Dogs Playing Poker meets the Exorcist. That could be a movie… Dogs Playing Poker… the stakes are your LIFE!!!! It’d combine two things people love more than anything: paintings of dogs playing poker and Satan. You may have forgotten me, Satan, but I haven’t forgotten you!!!!

DRAGON ARMS #3 $3.50
DREAMWAVE DARKMINDS VARIANT & PREVIEW SET $14.99
FATHOM #4 LTD SAN DIEGO CON 02 ED $19.99
FATHOM #4 LTD SGN SAN DIEGO CON 02 ED $24.99
FIRST #28 $2.95
FUTURAMA COMICS #11 $2.50
GENUS #57 (A) $3.50

GOLD DIGGER EDGE GUARD TP $19.99

And the other great thing about Joe Millionaire is the girl who’s probably going to win (i.e. the blonde with the tits?). They found out she does BONDAGE videos in her spare time (as reported by Smoking Gun). Man, ABC, NBC, CBS -- they can do all the reality shows they want. You can’t top FOX. FOX are GENIUSES. I mean, the whole premise of some idiot lying to girls while a British butler pretends he’s Alfred from the Batman comics WASN’T ENOUGH for FOX. They put Bondage Queens in as contestants, and the Bondage Queens are WINNING!

FOX has it down to a science, y’all…

GOON VOL 1 ROUGH STUFF TP $15.95
GREAT WOMEN SUPERHEROES SC (O/A) PI
HICKEE ANTHOLOGY TP (MR) $12.95
HIGHWAY 13 #1 (O/A) $2.95
INVU VOL 1 GN (RES) $9.99

JACK THE LANTERN #1 (Of 5) (MR) $3.00

This almost was a good title. Foul tip. Almost cool, but it’s probably not about kids stealing things (i.e. jacking things). It’s probably about a talking pumpkin. Talking pumpkins -- not cool. Kids stealing shit -- cool. Kids stealing this comic book -- not cool. Shoplift something better than indie comics. And if you absolutely MUST shoplift a comic… I say shoplift some Manara comics. Yeah, go for the porno. Don’t shoplift a comic about a talking pumpkin. Unless that’s the sick shit you’re into, I guess.

Hmmm, would you rather pretend you’re so uncool so as to shoplift a talking pumpkin comic or would you rather admit that you have masturbatory fantasies about talking pumpkins? That’s a tough call. Hmmm, I’d have to go with the latter. First of all, you can’t get arrested, at least not in California anyway. Maybe in Missouri or someplace, but California leads the Union in terms of liberal pumpkin-fucking laws. The 9th Circuit is very liberal that way. Secondly, admitting the latter means you don’t have to admit to reading comic books, which … whatever you do, do not blow your cover. Third, you tell some girl you’re into some kinky shit, who knows? Maybe she’s into pumpkins too. Girls these days, you go the right club? They’re down for shit, man. Who knows? Worst case, it’s one more girl in (I’m certain) the great ocean of girls who’ve rejected you. And maybe, just maybe, You can find yourself doing a little “pumpkin carving” if you get my drift…
You have to believe in yourself, man. Even sicko pumpkin fuckers like you deserve love. Did we learn nothing from the AMERICAN PIE movies?

JUDGE DREDD DAY THE LAW DIED DLX HC GN $24.95
JUDGE DREDD INNOCENTS ABROAD GN $14.95
JUGHEAD #149 $2.19
JUGHEADS DOUBLE DIGEST #92 $3.59
JUNGLE FANTASY AL RIO CVR #1 (MR) $3.50
JUNGLE FANTASY AL RIO NUDE CVR #1 (MR) $6.00
JUNGLE FANTASY CARRIE HALL CVR #1 (MR) $3.50
JUNGLE FANTASY JUAN JOSE RYP CVR #1 (MR) $3.50
JUNGLE FANTASY MARTIN FAUNA CVR #1 $5.95
JUNGLE FANTASY WRAPAROUND CVR #1 (MR) $3.95
KUNG FU GIRL GN (A) $12.95
LIBERATORES WOMEN HC (O/A) (A) PI
LOST CAUSE JOHN WESLEY HARDIN SC (O/A) PI
MAGIC WHISTLE #8 (MR) $2.95
MANGAPHILE #18 $3.99
MANGAZINE #40 $8.99
MARK CRILLEYS 32 PAGES COLL (O/A) $2.95
MARK CRILLEYS 32 PAGES COLL LTD ED (O/A) PI
MONKEY MAN UNLEASHED #3 (Of 3) $2.95
MONSTER MAGAZINE AND FANZINE COLLECTORS GUIDE #2 PI
MOONSTONE NOIR JACK HAGEE PRIVATE EYE GN (MR) $5.50
MY MONKEYS NAME IS JENNIFER #6 $2.95
MYSTIC #33 $2.95

MYSTIC VOL 4 TP ALL NIGHT $15.95

ALL NIGHT wondering why this got published? Yeah, me too.

NEOTOPIA #2 $3.95
NIGHTMARE ALLEY SC $14.95

NINE L0VES OF EL GATO CRIME MANGLER $5.00

FUUUUUCK, that’s a great title. Man, what a great title. See, but this raises its own problem. Most titles are bland and mediocre, if not downright stupid.

But a title this good -- we all know that no comic can possibly live up to this title. It’s not possible. If you’re a comic creator, you have to come up with a good title, but if you come up with one that’s too good -- nothing can live up to this title. It’s just too good -- El Gato would have to mangle more crime and lay down more lovin’ than you can humanly squeeze into any single comic book to live up to the comic that title creates in your head. It’s like the myth of Icarus -- they tried to fly too high and their wings melted. Poor, beautiful bastards.

NOTES FROM A DEFEATIST GN (MR) $19.95

Someone’s been stealing the notes from my apartment? Oh well, I’ll never catch them.

ONE PLUS ONE #4 (Of 5) (MR) $2.95
OSS IN WW2 #2 $3.75

POGOSTICK #1 (MR) $4.95

They’re finally releasing Walt Kelley’s porn comics?

I got this on a whim. It’s some Fantagraphics art comic. Fantagraphics art comics… we’ll see. I mean, art’s cute, but you know, the best movie from the 70’s was the GODFATHER, which was a mobster movie based on a bestselling novel. Sometimes the people who are intentionally TRYING to do GREAT ART somehow fail at it in a way that something that’s supposed to be entertaining can hit accidentally… But this had an interesting look to it. Good package design. I don’t know -- hopefully it’ll be something. We’ll see, I guess.

POISON ELVES #71 (RES) $2.95

QUEEN & COUNTRY DECLASSIFIED #3 (Of 3) (MR) $2.95

Bought this -- looking forward to reading these. I held off until all three came out so I could read them at once, but yeah, Queen & Country’s always a reliable book.

R A SALVATORE DEMON WARS TRIAL BY FIRE #3 (Of 5) $2.95
RAIJIN COMICS #9 (MR) $4.95
RECORD LODOSS WAR CHRONICLES HEROIC KNIGHT BOOK 4 $15.95
REMEMBRANCE THINGS PAST VOL 3 HC WITHIN BUDDING GROVE PT 2 $16.95
RGA MAGAZINE #9 (ORDER IN 10S) (EACHES) $0.99
SABRINA ONLINE YEAR FIVE ADVENTURES IN DATING $4.50
SHES A NIGHTMARE VOL 1 GN $9.95
SHI PANDORAS BOX PREVIEW TUCCI GOLD CVR $5.95
SHONEN JUMP VOL 1 #3 MARCH 2003 $4.95

SHOULDNT YOU BE WORKING #1 (MR) $5.95

Don’t remind me…

SILENT CITY & REGISTRY OF DEATH SET (MR) PI
SIMPSONS COMICS #78 $2.50
SMALL FAVORS #7 (A) $3.50

STEWART THE RAT #1 (MR) $3.95

I also got this. Steve Gerber and Gene Colan put out this comic after they got kicked off of HOWARD THE DUCK. Which -- if you only know the godawful stupid fucking movie, then you don’t really know why that movie was made which was the work Steve Gerber did on that comic. It was a Vertigo-style “smart comic” before Vertigo, before people really did smart comics. Well, anyway, that comic got too popular, and everyone started fighting; things fell apart. Howard the Duck the comic got destroyed, then Lucas or whoever destroyed the movie, but… life went on and other creators came along and had their work destroyed and companies killed some more golden gooses, and comics kept on being shitty (seriously: when things are working, could people stop fucking it all up? Because that’s sort of been done to death at this point… And really, I’m not exaggerating -- go buy an AUTHORITY comic if you think I am… people in comics, as soon as things go a little bit well -- they all fuck each other over. And then everyone scratches their heads, like, “Why aren’t comics very good?”)

I don’t know what the deal is with this comic, so I just picked it up as a historical oddity more than anything. No matter what, Gene Colan’s never done anything that wasn’t gorgeous in some way.

STORYLINES #1 (MR) $4.95
SUNGLASSES AFTER DARK #4 FAN CLUB CVR (MR) $10.00
TANK GIRL VOL 4 GN ODYSSEY (MR) $16.95
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES #8 $2.95
TEENAGERS FROM MARS #2 (Of 8) (O/A) (MR) $2.99
TEENAGERS FROM MARS #3 (Of 8) (O/A) (MR) $2.99
TOMB RAIDER JOURNEYS #3 LOS ANGELES CON 02 LTD ED $19.99
TOMB RAIDER JOURNEYS #3 LOS ANGELES CON 02 SGN LTD ED $24.99
TRANSFORMERS GN FALLEN ANGEL $19.95
TRANSFORMERS GN RAGE IN HEAVEN $16.95
TRANSFORMERS PX HC GN RAGE IN HEAVEN $24.95
URBAN HIPSTER #2 $2.95
URBAN HIPSTER CURR PRTG #1 $2.95
VAMPIRELLA VS PANTHA COMPLETE SET $12.95
VEROTIK WORLD #1 ALTERNATE CVR (MR) $10.00
WAKE VOL 1 -- 3 SET (MR) $24.95
WARREN ELLIS SCARS #2 (Of 6) (MR) $3.50
WARREN ELLIS SCARS WRAPAROUND #2 (Of 6) (MR) $3.95
WARRIOR NUN AREALA #14 $3.50
WAY OF THE RAT #10 $2.95
WILL EISNERS PRINCESS AND THE FROG S&N ED (O/A) $50.00
WISH VOL 4 GN $9.99
WITCHBLADE DISTINCTIONS TP LANSANG S&N ED PI
XIN LEGEND OF THE MONKEY KING #3 LTD CVR $9.95
XIN LEGEND OF THE MONKEY KING #3 REG CVR $2.99
ZOT BOOK THREE SC (O/A) PI

CONCLUSIONS

Hahaha, no copping out of the conclusions this week, is there? Oh man, would I ever love to cop out this week, but yeah, you end up a day late, and it’s “DANCE COLUMN BOY DANCE!” PTYOO! PTYOO!

PTYOO is the sound of the six-shooter firing imaginary bullets at my imaginary dancing feet, by the way. Did I explain that? Did you need the explanation? Well, again, I blame NASA. Stool’s a little soft today? I blame NASA.

OH WAIT, no, I blame DELL. Incidentally, I should have mentioned this earlier: my office tried to buy a new office computer three weeks ago from DELL. And they fucked us over SOOOO badly. They kept delaying and delaying and delaying, and costing us and costing us and costing us. I can’t believe what a horrible experience I had with those little fucks. Seriously, fuck that dell kid. I own a Dell at home, and I had a fine experience with it. And we were buying a BARE BONES computer -- we weren’t even buying a monitor. And they’ve kept us waiting three weeks now, while things got more and more chaotic at work and we needed a computer more and more, and their customer service people are jag-offs… Seriously, fuck Dell.

Oh and when I say FUCK JENNIE ONE, I don’t mean to include Becky Cloonan’s great art in that statement. What? I never said FUCK JENNIE ONE? Oh. Never mind. (Seriously, could someone explain why there was a page that had nothing else but a big J on it? What is this -- SUPERFRIENDS, motherfucker? Or could someone explain why an Original Graphic Novel was EPISODIC!!!! Or why the interstitial pages were so obviously interstitial pages and not, you know, something that had any sort of flow to them whatsoever? Or why an original graphic novel demanded that you read an EARLIER graphic novel to make any sense of a HUGE chunk of narration? Or why it didn’t have a story? Or … if anyone can explain why there was a banner in this comic(which happens to have that sort of annoying Extremist Leftist annoying-guy-in-your-dorm-who-wanted-all-of-society-to-devolve-back-to-an-agrarian-existence politics that claims to be about liberalism when its got fuck-all to do with actually helping more people share in a more humane society), why there was a banner with the words “RENT IS THEFT” on it? Rent is WHAT? What dorm room hackey-sack pothead marathon did the insight “rent is theft” come from? Or why this comic is ranting about Kurt Cobain (and not particularly intelligently at that) -- what the fuck that has to do with anything(in the same year a new Nirvana song is still one of the best things on the radio)? Oh wait, if I’m complaining about this comic then I must be a “Fascist.” Anyone who disagrees with you is a fascist. That’s the premise of the comic -- that’s completely the premise. Anyone could do this comic whatever their politics happened to be because there’s no humanity to the politics -- it’s just an immature “I’m surrounded by fucking fascists, man” whining of over-privileged decadent psuedo-“punks.” A Republican could do a “I’m surrounded by fascists” that would be the exact equal to this comic -- what Wood’s politics happen to be or not to be, and if I agree or don’t agree, is totally irrelevant, as a result. You can’t do comics without characters in them. Shit just doesn’t work like that. The main character’s political enlightenment is painting (probably bad) art and getting rid of her music C’s… fake-liberal bullshit for people pretending to political insight, more concerned with imagined oppression than how more actual people can realize a greater happiness and freedom… I mean, how do you do a comic about politics and not have any PEOPLE in it? It’s politics without context, which ultimately just makes it masturbation. Uccch, and you know, as a Liberal Democrat, the caricatures of ‘fascist Republicans’ that half-wits put forward just obscures the ways these fuckers truly are evil, to my mind -- though if I had to complain about Republicans, would Rudy Giuliani really be at the top of anyone’s list??? He’s the worst guy Wood could think of? Really? … Oh man, Wood -- you know, I HATED Couscous Express and I couldn’t fucking have hated POUNDED more, so it’d be disingenuous to claim I was expecting much, especially after the issue of POUNDED I suffered through… which .. it was really the anti-Pop-London: a comic book that didn’t care about characters or compassion or anything but posing, trying to prove the author’s “cred,” showing off its precious fucking attitude… just… just… yeah, FUCK JENNIE ONE… except Becky Cloonan who’s really fucking doing some fun shit here. Man, I like her stuff…).

Ahmmm….where was I?

Man, when Willy Wonka’s the president of Japan, he’s totally going to tell me to shut the fuck up, isn’t he? Hmmm, maybe Willy Wonka’s part of Keith Richards’s evil plan. Man, whatever Richards is planning is going to be so fucked up dude… I can hardly wait.

But wait, you’re asking yourself -- what would KEITH RICHARDS IS PLANNING TO FUCK THE WORLD UP WITH SOME CRAZY ASS SHIT THAT MAKES ALL THOSE OTHER FOOLS LOOK SANE sound like if we translated it to FRENCH and then back to English?

KEITH RICH INDIVIDALS PLAN HAS FUCK THE WORLD IN TOP WITH SOME and SHIT CRAZY THAT DOES ALL THESE OTHER IDIOTS APPEAR HEALTHY SPIRIT

Oh, man, I could do this forever.

Haha -- you waited an extra day for this shit? SUCKER…

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