By A.K.
February 12, 2003
Each week, Diamond Comics posts the New Comics Release List -- a weekly list of comics coming to a store near you this Wednesday.
Here, we have a snapshot of comics as they truly are, in all their Glory and their Gory.
GORY AND THE GLORY
Well, I’m writing this on Monday night, the day before the Oscar nominations come in. So I can’t talk at excruciating length about how much I don’t care about the goddamn Oscar nominations yet.
That’s the best part of the Oscars -- it’s not about what actually wins, it’s people COMPLAINING about the Oscars. That’s Joan Rivers’s whole existence now, to complain about one tiny little facet of the Oscars.
OSCAR NOMINATION WHINING: IT’S CRYBABY-TASTIC.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
The opinions contained within do not reflect those of Kevin Smith or any other member of the Movie Poop Shoot staff-- -- past, present or future-- -- including possibly the author's own, and should not be taken too seriously.
I had a pretty big personal success recently. Something I’ve been dreaming of for a long time finally came true.
Woke up one morning, and my bathtub was coughing up effluvia. Well, coughing is a bad word because it suggests an irregular spouting of the sewage -- no, no, quite the opposite, it was quite steady in its release of the effluvia.
My bathtub is now wonderfully sewage-free, and it’s been thoroughly de-loused. Even still, I DID IT, just like I always dreamed: I fucking KILLED my apartment.
The plumbers, they shook their heads and would mumble, “Hey, I don’t know, I think the pipe’s too small; this isn’t supposed to -- I think it’s a design flaw.” But I knew, oh I knew -- I murdered it just like I was always said I was going to.
My dream? My dream is they need hazmat suits after I move out. My dream involves people examining my leavings with a Geiger counter. Far-fetched? Perhaps. But can we truly call anything far-fetched after raw sewage erupts from my bathtub? I don’t think so either.
The fun thing about plumbers is they’re these big gnarly motherfuckers -- real men, supposedly. But if you start yelling at them? Let’s say hypothetically you start screaming “IS THERE ANY WAY TO FIX THIS WHERE MY APARTMENT DOESN’T SMELL OF RAW SEWAGE?” Then, these so called macho dudes act like sad dogs. They put their ears down and mumble, “There’s no reason to yell, man.” And all you can do is feel bad, while the smell of raw sewage permeates your apartment.
Oh, and when I say “raw sewage,” you know, I’m a comic book fan and this is a comic book column, so maybe you’re thinking this is all an elaborate metaphor for, like, the History of Marvel Comics. If I were one of those comicbookresources.com columnists, one of the grumpy ones, I’d totally be able to use the fact my bathtub is a biohazard as an indictment of Marvel Comics. Steven Grant can turn getting a traffic ticket into a 9-part series on how Marvel Comics destroy the ozone. He’s a fucking master of this whole game, yo.
Alas… no, raw sewage is not code for some AVENGERS comic. At least, not in this circumstance. Elsewhere in this column when I refer to raw sewage, then I will in fact be referring to the WEST COAST AVENGERS, I’m afraid. Is it confusing? Yes. But the WEST COAST AVENGERS really are that bad. Or raw sewage is in fact that good, if you want to be an optimist about it. Glass is half-empty, or glass is half-full; it’s up to you. Though I warn you that the glass in this case would be half-full of feces, so I think perhaps in the case, you’d prefer a glass half-empty. Or you could have the glass half-full and tell your friend it’s some chocolate milk concoction. Though given the diseases that infest your average, run-of-the-mill cup of half-full sewage, I would recommend not inflicting same onto a friend. Or even an enemy. Really, this whole half-whatever glass hypothetical is just a fucking lawsuit waiting to happen.
So I spent a day doing a little extra cleaning. I’m pretty sure I can shower now without the fear of fucking tetanus, which is always good to know. I’m moving ANY day now, to go murder some new, nicer apartment. Irony: the CLEANEST I’ve ever gotten my bathroom is because it almost overflowed with sewage. It’s like an O’Henry story. It’s as if GIFT OF THE MAGI had large puddles of effluvia in it somewhere -- the husband got his wife hairbands for her beautiful hair, but she cut her hair to get him large puddles of shit for his … large puddle of shit collection that he sold to buy her the hairbands? Oh… Henry.
Damn you, Bill Jemas…
INTRODUCTION
A recent quote by ROB LIEFELD: "I was pretty much coked out for the better part of two years before I got clean, everybody at Extreme was dopin' it up. The place was a wall-to-wall drugstore. How do you think we all stayed up for forty-eight hour binges getting all those books out?"
…I have to top that this week? How am I going to top that?
Okay, here’s where I lose every reader this column has: I don’t hate Rob Liefeld.
There, I’ve said it. I don’t hate the guy. And I grant you -- I don’t know him. It seems that people who have known him all hate the guy now -- all the Image founders, ex-Extreme employees, etc. As Dan Fraga once put it, in what I will contend forever is the greatest quote in comics history, “You hit me Rob, more than once, and yes I do forgive you. You have to remember that most of my decisions that I made around you were based on fear, not love after that point. I really was your bitch.”
I don’t like him, no, but I don’t hate him. I’m so ashamed. What’s the point of being a comic book fan if you’re not going to hate everything?
Hating Liefeld is your birthright. He doesn’t draw well, and his comic books didn’t have good writing… BASTARD. Everyone else in comics draws great and writes amazing, beautiful stories -- why can’t Liefeld? Everyone else is like some weird hybrid of Michelangelo and Shakespeare, but Liefeld’s bringing down the average.
Liefeld is like Gerardo (aka Rico Suave) or IN LIVING COLOR or rock cocaine -- fascinating reminders for me of the early 1990’s. The early 1990s, when any star-eyed kid who could cross-hatch past all sane reason could be a comic book superstar, regardless of lack of knowledge about anatomy or perspective or storytelling or responsible business practices or knowing what the words “getting all those books out” means (what is he talking about???) or what have you.
He doesn’t know anatomy? Well, shit, man, neither do I. When did everyone become fucking Quincy? Hey, Trapper John, if you purchased a comic called X-FORCE or YOUNGBLOOD, why the fuck were you were seriously expecting ANATOMY to begin with??? “The use of chiaruoscuro in BLOODPOOL was sorely lacking. It distracted from the textural qualities of the Rub the Blood covers.”
I mean, yeah, he just admitted that all those shitty, SHITTY comics were the product of a coke binge. Which was the only plausible explanation to begin with. This should be a slam dunk for me. But Liefeld was always Dirk Diggler -- we always knew he was Dirk Diggler. Dirk did the coke; so did Liefeld; so what? I think we’re all waiting to find out about Liefeld being in a house in the Valley at a drug deal gone wrong, with “Sister Christian” playing and some Chinese kid throwing firecrackers around. It’s only a matter of weeks at this point.
But no… I’m not keeping my end of the bargain. If you’re a comic book fan, you can’t actually LIKE anything or anyone in or near comic books. You can’t even not-hate it. You must hate everything. It’s the LAW. I could start complaining irrationally about the WEST COAST AVENGERS for another 30 pages, but as soon as you see me go easy on Liefeld, you’ll dismiss me as just another “peacenik” and that’ll be it for TITLE BOUT’s heyday, our salad days. The bling- bling lifestyle will end. Government will repossess my rollies.
I mean, maybe it’s weird I’m saying this because I’m not exactly writing the most positive column about comics ever. This is a pretty negative column. Is it the most negative? I hope not. Seriously. I wouldn’t be proud of it if it was. Shit, I wouldn’t be proud of it if it managed to cure a kid’s polio. If I ever admit to doing this column years from now, it’ll be after shock treatment to the genitals. But ranting about Liefeld… what would the point be? If you take it seriously enough to rant about it, then aren’t you a bigger joke than he is? (well, maybe that applies to all these books…)
Still, it’s gotten to the point that anytime I read the comic news, I find myself going, “Oh, that’s okay/boring news. I wonder how fans are going to tear that news apart” and then ghoulishly reading all the negative comments the news draws. Sometimes I read BORING news on purpose just to watch the negativity fly.
Fuck it -- I love the underdog, and who is a bigger underdog in comics than Rob Liefeld? Imagine if Liefeld were to put out his own personal FROM HELL. Tommorow. Imagine the steam that would pour out of people’s heads. It’d be as if the entire planet turned upside down. The only thing that unites all comic fans is their hatred for this guy -- imagine if we could rob them of that. Imagine the chaos.
So, in conclusion I don’t irrationally hate Rob Liefeld. I irrationally hate you. God, if only you were halfway cool…
MOTORRRRINNNNN’… WHAT’S YOUR PRICE FOR FLIGHT?
DIAMOND COMICS SAYS
Every Monday, we provide a list of products shipping for
the current week, as well as those products expected to
ship the following week!
Shipping This Week: February 12
UPDATE: Well, I just woke up and here are the Oscar nominations. You know, I’m just glancing at them so they haven’t sunk in, but these are pretty curious. None of the things I was really worried about happened. That’s how I judge the Oscars now -- the “just please don’t fuck up” standard. Oscar fever, man, I got it…
following products are expected to ship to comic book
specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative
and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for availability.
PREMIER PUBLISHERS
DARK HORSE
CLASSIC COMIC CHARACTERS #38 OFFISSA PUPP STATUE $49.95
Is Offissa like the word OFFICER only misspelled? I don’t know my classic comic characters, I’m afraid, but wouldn’t that be heartening to know that there was never a time in which comic book artists knew how to spell properly? It’d make all the bad spelling part of a larger tradition rather than, you know, idiocy…
CLUB 9 TP $15.95
GRENDEL GOD & THE DEVIL #1 (MR) $3.50
This sounds like the worst metal tour EVER. The GRENDEL GOD AND THE DEVIL tour, with opening act the SHITTY BEATLES? I think I was at this show back during my metal phase.
MY GODDESS #95 TRAVELER (PART 5 OF 5) $3.50
STAR WARS A VALENTINE STORY $3.50
DC COMICS
ACTION COMICS #800 (Note Price) $3.95
Wow, 800 issues. Man, I love watching these numbers turn over. We’re only 200 issues away from ACTION COMICS 1000! That’ll be exciting, don’t you think? I probably won’t buy #1000. I probably won’t buy #800. But even still, I feel like this is a personal victory. I’ve really achieved something lasting here, by happening to be around when a comic book reached an arbitrary number that we give unnatural significance because we employ a base-ten numbering scheme, perhaps because we happen to have evolved to have ten figures. Man, it just doesn’t get any better than that…
The cover is actually by famous poster artist Drew Struzan (BACK TO THE FUTURE, THE INDIANA JONES MOVIES, COMING TO AMERICA, STAR WARS, and of course every comic fan’s favorite, MEATBALLS 3). I won’t rest until I convince some kid that Jack Kirby invented the MEATBALLS franchise… why not? He made up everything else. Remembering and honoring his contribution is cute, but let’s just turn the guy into a Tall Tale, like Paul Bunyan. “Why, I remember when Jack Kirby created the second REVENGE OF THE NERDS, in which the nerds went to Paradise -- Kirby brilliantly realized that OGRE should join forces with the nerds. And thus another jewel was added to the crown.”
ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #613 $2.25
AQUAMAN #3 $2.50
ASTRO CITY LOCAL HEROES #1 (Of 5) $2.95
Buying this. Wow, ASTRO CITY’s back. This comic is really a history lesson of mainstream kids comics all its own.
See, Marvel and DC tried to rip off the style of the aforementioned Rob Liefeld since he was so goddamn successful; however, he was successful just by some weird cosmic fluke that they couldn’t rip off. You can’t rip off cosmic fluke; all you can rip off is shitty. So Marvel and DC spent years shitty-ing comics, trying to chase the magic that was Liefeld. Mix in a misunderstanding of Alan Moore and Frank Miller’s work, some bad owners, and some comic shop owners, and basically comics got really ugly and grim and brutalizingly stupid for many years.
Then there’s this successful book called MARVELS which kicked off the “retro nostalgia” wave, which was nice for about a month then became unbearable self-parody and bad ANIMAL MAN ripoffs for a couple years thereafter. And it all climaxed in a comic called KINGDOM COME which basically was about old white superheros beating the living shit out of young, minority superheros that everyone took to be an affirmation of classic comic book fan values, i.e. hating young people and hating minorities.
Two people came out of MARVELS though -- one was Alex Ross, who went on to overrated. But the other was the writer, Kurt Busiek. When he got popular, he tried to use that popularity to put out a career-defining comic, ASTRO CITY. Which a lot of guys don’t have the balls to do. Mark Waid, who wrote KINGDOM COME, by comparison went from the success of that book to X-O MANOWAR. A lot of guys never even made it to X-O MANOWAR. It’s all relative, I guess. Other creators have done what Busiek did -- it wasn’t unprecedented. Warren Ellis right now. Frank Miller has always done it. Alan Moore, or Grant Morrison. I suppose Joe Casey and AUTOMATIC KAFKA. Obviously, they’re not all big hits for me. They’re not all going to be hits. I like that they’re out on the limb, but that doesn’t mean I always like the comic. ASTRO CITY, though, I’d say was one of the times it worked out(at least for a little while; I was more of a fan of the first volume than the later issues).
Then, here’s where the story takes a twist -- then Kurt Busiek got MERCURY POISONING. Which -- How the fuck do you get mercury poisoning??? That’s some scary shit. So… I’m glad the guy SURVIVED it. I guess that’s all that’s important. Unfortunately, since then, he’s done some pretty boring mainstream comics that he’s able to do well enough while sick, but he hasn’t had the health to put his all into his own comic. So there hasn’t been a ASTRO CITY in years. And the guy’s been doing comics completely below my radar (maybe not yours) like POWER COMPANY.
Now it’s back, only it’s back to a very different comics scene. This book never really contemplated existing on the same stand as a book like the ULTIMATES, say. But it’ll be fun to see again. It’ll be fun to see how it fits in. I hope it works. I hope it’s as good as I remember it.
AZRAEL AGENT OF THE BAT #99 $2.95
BATMAN DYNAMIC DUO ARCHIVES VOL 1 HC $49.95
BATMAN LEGENDS OF THE DARK KNIGHT #164 $2.50
BIRDS OF PREY CATWOMAN BATGIRL #1 (Of 2) $5.95
FABLES #10 (MR) $2.50
GEN 13 #6 $2.95
GOTHAM CENTRAL #4 $2.50
GREEN LANTERN #159 $2.25
HARLEY QUINN #29 $2.50
HAWKMAN ENDLESS FLIGHT TP $12.95
Why would you put the word ENDLESS into your title? Isn’t that just begging for smarmy comeback? “They weren’t joking about that ENDLESS thing” or “ENDLESSly crappy?” or what have you?
I’m sure it is endless. See, Marvel can hire all the manga artists it wants to hire -- they’ll still be written by some jackass who wants to write a 9-page speech. American comics just have too much fucking talking in them. Noone ever TALKS in manga -- manga artists are too busy having massive demon penises strangling robot girls in schoolgirl costumes to have their characters sit and have a conversation. There’s no talking in manga.
Because that’s how old comic fans judge comics, I guess -- if when they pay TWO whole dollars for it, if they can get 30 minutes to an hour of reading from the 22 pages, then they’re happy.
HELLBLAZER SPECIAL LADY CONSTANTINE #3 (Of 4) (MR) $2.95
HERO #1 $2.50
Curious -- probably buying this. I don’t know if I’m the audience for a new DIAL H FOR HERO revival, but this is written by Will Pfieffer, who did a great comedy for Vertigo called FINALS that went sadly ignored for some reason I never understood. FINALS was about a college where there was a high possibility of getting killed, basically, because students were forced to do very extreme things for their senior thesis… es. Thesi? Thesi Morales? Whatever. FINALS is one of my favorite Vertigo miniseries, so I’m curious about the writer who I haven’t seen since, but… DIAL H FOR HERO?
DIAL H FOR HERO is sort of a hokey concept from a couple decades ago now, and when I use the word “hokey” – Marvel can hire whoever they want; they’ll never beat DC in hokey. DC’s hokey characters are bottomless -- I like those more than I like SUPERMAN or BATMAN. I must admit I have some resistance to this title at the outset, but I think Pfieffer’s talented so … yeah, probably buying this.
HUNTER THE AGE OF MAGIC #20 (MR) $2.75
JLA RIDDLE OF THE BEAST SC $14.95
JSA #45 $2.50
LOEG II BUMPER EDITION VOLUME 2 PARTS 3 AND 4 $5.95
MAD XL #20 $4.99
NIGHTWING #78 $2.25
SCOOBY-DOO #69 $2.25
SILVER AGE BATMAN & ROBIN DLX ACTION FIGURE SET PI
STEAMPUNK DRAMA OBSCURA $14.95
Drama obscura? STORY and ART obscura! Did anyone manage to decipher this comic book? I remember reading an issue of it because of some lingering affection for Chris Bachalos “able to draw pretty” phase, which seems to have past -- it was pretty much indecipherable to me. Which is unfair because I did pick an issue at random, but I remember hearing that complaint from other people after the FIRST issue. I remember hearing that complaint throughout -- constant talk about it being too hard to follow.
STORMWATCH TEAM ACHILLES #8 (MR) $2.95
SUPERMAN & BATMAN GENERATIONS III #2 (Of 12) $2.95
SUPERMAN CRITICAL CONDITION TP $14.95
TOM STRONGS TERRIFIC TALES #6 $2.95
Talking about the retro wave, man, that just sort of ruined Alan Moore, didn’t it? The retro wave basically ruined Alan Moore. His grown-up work -- he’s still probably the best writer in comics ever based on FROM HELL. But … TOM STRONG’s just bad Doc Savage mixed with bad Superman. The rest of the line has the occasional bright spot, but … there’s no feeling that you’re really reading anything pure from him. Yeah, I’d say the whole retro thing basically ruined Alan Moore, as much as it affected him at all. Who knows? I sort of wish he’d move on from these books, maybe stick with PROMETHEA since he has some energy there apparently, but try something new…
IMAGE
DARKNESS TP VOL 1 COMING OF AGE $14.99
DARKNESS VOL 2 #2 $2.99
DOMINION #1 $2.95
BUYING THIS. Keith Giffen destroying Australia -- sorry, but that sort of takes me back. Giffen’s one of those guys who’ve fallen off, but he was a big favorite guy back in high school for the JLI run or even some of those bad LEGIONS he did (I liked the first year or so). I hope he can pull it together again. I’m not honestly convinced he can -- it’s been a few years, but… I’ll take a look.
FIREBREATHER #2 (Of 4) $2.95
GI JOE #14 $2.95
GRRL SCOUTS WORK SUCKS #1 (Of 4) $2.95
Buying This. I’m not a big fan of Jim Mahfood’s “political comics” since I’m not really interested in his insights, but … I enjoy seeing his art. I think he’s at his best when he’s working with characters, on something like GRRL SCOUTS, which is a comic about drug-dealing city girls though … not quite as “gritty” as that sounds. A very joyful book about drug-dealing city girls.
POWERS #28 (MR) $2.95
You know, this is a good enough week. I’m always happy to see POWERS. Nothing too serious, but a lot of fun books out, by the look of it. Christ, I’m boring this week. I’m like watching paint dry. Boring paint. I’m the comic equivalent of the sound of whales this week. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Wait, is that the sound of dolphins? Man, back when I was in comic columnist school, I’d beg Steven Grant to teach me how to imitate the noises of marine mammals, but he was too busy with some parking ticket or some shit…
SPAWN #122 $2.50
VENTURE #2 $2.95
WITCHBLADE #61 $2.99
MARVEL
Well, obviously it’s a big movie week for comic fans everywhere. JUNGLE BOOK 2 is opening. MOWGLI WILL BEAR DOWN ON FUN. Also, DAREDEVIL is opening, or as comic fans enjoy calling it, WHY COULDN’T THEY HAVE CAST. Because they cast a black guy for a white character in the comic, and they cast a non-Greek for a Greek character in the comic. So this movie has been accordingly cursed with the CURSE OF THE PHAROAH’S PAW!!!! It said, right over the Pharoah’s sceptre, next to the sarcophagus, in plain, clear hieroglyphics, that “YE WHO SHALL ATTEMPT TO MISCAST A COMIC BOOK MOVIE WILL SUFFER THE ETERNAL PAINS OF ANUBIS.” But does Hollywood listen? Nooooooo…
And the casting complaints are especially ludicrous this time around -- well, they’re always especially ludicrous, I guess. But … what Greek actress are they going to cast? The MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING girl? Big Fat’s going to be running around in Ninja pants, making out with Ben Affleck? And they managed to cast a really hulking guy for KINGPIN, who in the comics weighs about 800 pounds. Who else could they have cast? The fat guy from the Jerry Springer show? The guy they needed to cut out of his trailer every couple months?
The whole concept of “Good Enough” never really filtered down to comic book fans. Was that somewhere in Spider-Man’s creed? “With Great Power comes nothing ever being good enough.” I never read Spiderman when I was a kid, so I wouldn’t know about the creeds or what have you…
ALIAS VOL 2 COME HOME TP (MR) $13.99
BLACK PANTHER #54 $2.50
CAPTAIN AMERICA #9 $2.99
DAREDEVIL #43 $2.99
DAREDEVIL VOL 5 OUT TP $19.99
Every Marvel character is coming out. Good for them. Better now than over Thanksgiving dinner, I say. I always hear the confused young gay kids on the talk radio, right around Thanksgiving talking about how they’re going to “confront” their parents. Why not February? February -- its just a nicer month for bad news. It’s too cold to care about anything in February. You think I care about this column right this second? HELL no, it’s February. But Thanksgiving, people have to run around and shove turkeys into ovens and think about dead Native Americans we gave smallpox to, and… It’s just not a very nice time of the year.
EDENS TRAIL #4 (Of 5) $2.99
INCREDIBLE HULK #50 (Note Price) $3.50
This is the first issue drawn by the entity known as Mike Deodato. I’m not sure what that means exactly because the interesting thing about the entity known as Mike Deodato, as I understand it(which is not very much, obviously) is that it’s a BUNCH of guys. Mike Deodato, if he ever in fact existed, was a group of South American artists who all used that name. Or they were all a bunch of guys who just coincidentally were all named Mike Deodato and Marvel couldn’t tell them apart, which happens sometimes with us brown people.
Is there an actual, single Mike Deodato? I’m not sure. I just know there’s an awful lot of guys wandering around South America who used to be Mike Deodato. Them and Hitler’s clones, man -- that’s why I don’t go to South America personally. Not so much because I’m afraid of Deodato (though after this maybe I should be) as the Hitler clone thing. Some people see the glass half empty of Hitler clones, while I see the glass half full of Hitler clones. Which must mean the glass is enormous to fit an entire clone in it. Unless Hitler was somehow cloned and then SHRUNK to HALF the size of a glass. But, wait, what would keep Hitler’s clone IN THE GLASS. Superglue? Why would you clone Hitler just to superglue his incredibly tiny body to a glass? What kind of sick fucking Nazi are you?
The crazy thing about the Mike Deodato entity? Supposedly it was a lot of guys, and yet, none of them could draw in a way I ever found appealing. I don’t know how many South Americans combined ala the Destructicons into the Mike “Devestator” Deodato, but statistically speaking, you’d think at least one of them would have been able to not do something really awful. Though the preview pages for the HULK art look better than any of the stuff I remember from the early `90s. Maybe it’s a new guy’s turn to be Mike Deodato and the slot machine is just finally paying off…
IRON MAN #65 $2.25
KILLRAVEN #5 (Of 6) $2.99
MEKANIX #5 (Of 6) $2.99
WIZARD
BEAUTIFUL KILLER 3 PACK $7.99
DF BEAUTIFUL KILLER SGN #1 $29.99
GI JOE SNAKE EYES & SCARLETT TWO PACK PI
COMICS
ALAN MOORES THE COURTYARD #1 (MR) $3.50
ALAN MOORES THE COURTYARD WRAPAROUND #1 (MR) $3.95
This might be something. This is a comic by Antony Johnston (some days in EUROPE from Oni) (I forget how many days) and Jacen Burrows, who’s a very talented new artist (his work in the TRANSMET pinup books stood out in some great company). But it’s based on a short story by Moore, I guess, and an Alan Moore horror story. It’s published by AVATAR PRESS who I’ve always had a bad feeling about. Just a gut-level completely groundless suspicion that there was something if-fy there. I think they had some porn-y stuff in the past, but they also seem to be throwing some money at some big creators. We’ll see, I guess. I’m not sure. The art looks good, at least.
AMELIA RULES VOL 1 TP ORIGINAL ART ED $60.00
ARCHIE DIGEST #196 $2.39
ARCHIE MYSTERIES #26 $2.19
ARMAGEDDON PATROL FATAL MISTAKES SPECIAL (MR) $2.99
BIG O PART 3 #4 (Of 4) $3.50
BLACK TIDE CVR A MILLER #4 $3.50
BLACK TIDE CVR B MURPHEY #4 $3.50
BRIAN PULIDO LADY DEATH #1 MEDIEVAL TALE $2.95
” Humanity's last hope for survival is Lady Death, an outcast who is half-human, half-Eldritch, and all attitude.”
It’s okay to give up on comics, right? That’s a perfectly natural thing to do, right? I mean, isn’t that a more sane course of action than actually looking at these lists every week? The more humane thing to do would be if I turned this column into a weekly report on my plumbing. Plumbing never gets your hopes up. Plumbing -- usually the sewage stays in a pipe far from your eyes or noses. It’s not drug from out of bankruptcy -- it’s not “all attitude.”
Haha -- just kidding. I gave up years ago. I was just funning with the asking for permission thing.
CARDCAPTOR SAKURA MASTER OF THE CLOW VOL 3 GN (Of 6) $9.99
CHIMERA #1 (Of 4) $2.95
CHOBITS VOL 4 GN (Of 7) $9.99
DIGITAL WEBBING PRESENTS #7 $2.95
DRAGON KNIGHTS VOL 6 GN (Of 17) $9.99
ENNIS & MCCREAS DICKS 2 #4 (Of 4) (MR) $3.50
ENNIS & MCCREAS DICKS 2 OFFENSIVE #4 (Of 4) (MR) $3.95
FEMFORCE #118 (Note Price) $6.95
FEMFORCE #118 SPECIAL EDITION $9.95
FORGE #11 $7.95
GOLDEN AGE TREASURY VOL 1 $29.95
GOON COLOR SPECIAL #1 (O/A) $2.95
INU YASHA PART 7 #7 (Of 8) $2.95
IVE GOTTA LIVE WITH THIS GUY TP (O/A) $19.95
JACK THE LANTERN LIMITED S/N ED #0 $7.95
JESTERCROW 3 PACK LIMITED S/N ED $5.95
It’s nice that whoever types these lists for Diamond can keep from inserting the word “INTELLIGENCE” up there. That’s really a feat of willpower. Every list we see is really just a small triumph in a way, don’t you think? Like a slow-motion BRIAN’S SONG.
JOHNNY NEMO VOL 1 (MR) $12.95
KIM POSSIBLE CINEMANGA VOL 1 GN (Of 4) $7.99
KISSING CHAOS NONSTOP BEAUTY #3 (Of 4) (MR) $2.95
Nonstop, endless, limited… well, wait -- one of those things doesn’t belong. Still, poor choice in adjectives this week… You know what doesn’t get enough airtime in comic books? The adverb. Where’s the ADVERBS in comics? The –ly words?
Comics will never get out of the ghetto until there are titles that are formed only of punctuation.
LAMBADA BOOK 3-5 COLL PACK (A) $15.00
NO! THAT’S THE FORBIDDEN DANCE!
LEGENDARY COUPLE GN #3 $13.95
LOCH TRILOGY SPLASH PACK PI
LUPIN III VOL 2 GN $9.99
The guy who created this manga calls himself MONKEY PUNCH. That was his NAME. Don’t you wish comic creators in America did that? We’ve essentially turned them into professional wrestling characters, as is. All the columns and message boards and whatever -- they might as well be Arn Anderson at this point. ANDERSON FUN-FACT: Arn’s finishing move? The GOURDBUSTER. Top that with your comic books… Until Batman gourdbusts some gebroni, he’ll always be second-class to Arn… I don’t even know where the gourd is exactly, not anatomically speaking -- me and Rob Liefeld? Completely oblivious to the gourd. Still, I’d sure hate to have my gourd busted, or in any way be gourd-impaired…)
The GOURDBUSTER! There are so many people who’ve had long careers in comics who’ve never come up with anything half as delightful as GOURDBUSTER. Arn Anderson should be worshipped by these people, goddammit. An angry, vengeful, gourd-busting, sweaty god.
MAGE KNIGHT STOLEN DESTINY #4 (Of 5) $3.50
MARMALADE BOY VOL 5 GN (Of 8) $9.99
MAVIS #4 (Note Price) $3.50
MOONSTONE MONSTERS VAMPIRE VIXENS #1 $2.95
MY OWN LITTLE EMPIRE GN (MR) $9.95
MY UNCLE JEFF $3.95
This sure sounds like something. The buzz on it -- literally every single comic reviewer out there seem to be behind it. Our own Chris Allen calls it "Probably the best self-published comic I’ve seen in 2002." Buying this. It appears to be about a dysfunctional family. Everyone agreeing -- it’s eerie. It’s like VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED. Chris Allen’s going to try to telekinetically crash my car now; great…
NEGATION #15 KEY ISSUE PI
NEW YORK MIAMI GN (O/A) $11.95
NINJA HIGH SCHOOL #103 $3.50
NODWICK #19 $2.99
ONEGAI TEACHER GN #1 $9.95
PRINCESS PRINCE BOOK 1 GN $15.95
PROJECT ARMS PART 1 #6 (Of 16) $3.25
RAIJIN COMICS #10 (MR) $4.95
It seems I bailed out on the RAIJIN thing too early. Only one of the serials in the first issue was interesting to me -- the rest left me cold. Since then, they’ve apparently added on two political thrillers which are quite popular. I wish SHONEN JUMP were able to go weekly, but… I’d be afraid of getting behind on a weekly comic and having them build up in my apartment. Drown me. Anyway, yeah, seems I bailed too early.
RAVE VOL 1 GN (RES) $9.99
REAL BOUT HIGH SCHOOL VOL 5 GN $9.99
RGA MAGAZINE #10 $0.99
S&M UNIVERSITY #1-6 SET (A) $20.00
SABRINA VOL 2 #42 $2.19
SHADES OF BLUE VOL 1 TP $11.95
SHAOLIN SISTERS VOL 1 GN (Of 5) (RES) $9.99
SHOT CALLERZ TP (MR) $11.95
Ahhhhhh, huh. This was a series I felt good about after the first issue, then okay about after the second issue, then ehhhhh after the third issue. By the last issue, not so much liking this comic. Sort of a slow descent in how I felt about it. I just felt like it was unfocused. Like the first issue had a main character, but then the other issues just wandered away from her. That and the ending… I wish we could ban the possibility of sequels because this comic just felt like it was setting up a sequel. It didn’t feel like an ending; it felt like a temporary stop. It’s too bad because I really did like that first issue. The creators of this might still be worth keeping an eye on based on what went right there. I’m not sure.
SIGIL #33 $2.95
SKAGGY THE LOST #2 (Of 4) (MR) $3.50
SKULL MAN VOL 5 GN (Of 7) $9.99
SOJOURN #20 $2.95
STORM RIDERS GN #9 $13.95
TANLINES PINUPS BOOK #1 (MR) $3.50
TANLINES PINUPS BOOK SP ED #1 (MR) PI
Tan lines? Those are hot now? A tan line? The logical patterns by which the sun effects flesh based on the presence of absence of clothing -- that’s hot to people? What was wrong with, like, nipples or legs? Where did TANLINES come from? What are you going to do to a tan line?
TAROT WITCH OF THE BLACK ROSE DLX ED #18 (MR) $19.99
TAROT WITCH OF THE BLACK ROSE SGN #15 $10.00
TIGRESS HIDDEN LANDS #1 $2.95
TIGRESS HIDDEN LANDS SP ED #1 PI
TIGRESS TALES #5 $2.95
TIGRESS TALES SP ED #5 PI
TRANSFORMERS WAR WITHIN #5 $2.95
VAGABOND #16 (MR) $4.95
VAMPI VOL 2 TP UNDERWORLD TAINTED LOVE $14.95
VICTORIAN #17 $2.95
WARREN ELLIS STRANGE KILLINGS BODY ORCHARD #6 (Of 6) (MR) $3.50
WARREN ELLIS STRANGE KILLINGS BODY ORCHARD #6 WRAPAROUND (MR) $3.95
CONCLUSION
UHHHHH… This -- this wasn’t one of the most satisfying one of these to write.
The funny thing about this column is I’ve gotten so disagreeable about comics over the years that I’m sure when I’m done with all these, if I were to stop and look over them, I’d just end up disagreeing with MYSELF.
I mean, what, I’m writing pro-Rob Liefeld screeds and ranting about 90% of the creator-owned comics that have come out in the last year? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN? (Well, I’ve liked TEENAGERS FROM MARS and INFINITE KUNG FU and a few other books, but…)
I used to wonder what some comic reviewers were on with some of their reviews? They’re high on life, man -- it’s just writing about goddamn comic books every week has driven everyone nuts. You’re supposed to read a comic book now and then while you take a dump, not write about them every week. It’s downright unhealthy.
So when I say that raw sewage is flooding my bathroom, in a way I really AM talking about Marvel Comics… maybe? DAMMMIT. I was so CLOSE. I was so goddamn close.
Okay, this week sucked. You know, let’s come clean. Let’s not beat around the bush -- this week sucked. I mean, many a comic I’ve prayed that when I got to the letter page, it’d be the writer saying, “Fuck, man, that one didn’t work, did it?” Be honest, you know? Everyone who writes comics is TOUCHY about the stuff they do. I don’t get it. Like, when you cook dinner, you know when what you’ve cooked tastes good and what you’ve cooked tastes bad. But the guy who writes WEST COAST AVENGERS -- he thinks he’s batting .1000 as far as I can tell. There’s never an issue where he’ll admit, “How did I get this job?”
Brian Michael Bendis is the #1 most hottest writer in comics right now -- there’s a statue of him and everything. But I’d have given the guy a kidney if at the end of that ELEKTRA arc, if the last issue just had a big red “WHOOPS” on the cover. Why not? Warren Ellis -- capable of terrific work. Capable of some great, great ideas -- GLOBAL FREQUENCY has a fucking great idea underneath it. Why isn’t one of those great ideas a “MY BAD, GUYS” on the cover? I’m not sure.
See, that’s the lesson of comics right there -- that it’s not okay to admit weakness. That’s what reading about the HULK and all that shit (that Marvel shit, a.k.a. shit =sewage?) (that was a foul tip -- come on, grant me that) does to you. DAREDEVIL’s a blind guy who still runs around beating people up. If I were blind, I’d just spend all my time bumping into things. I could BUMP INTO crime, maybe, but … I’d admit weakness. But comics teaches you that you’re not allowed to just be a fuck-up. Somebody’s got to be the strong man; somebody’s got to play daddy.
I say let your bathrooms fill with sewage. Let the sewage… I will make this imagery work, goddamit, as god is my witness… see, I’ve read too many DAREDEVIL comics. Daredevil had to deal with being blind, and I have to deal with constantly trying to aggrandize sewage imagery…
Steven Grant wouldn’t have this problem. He’d know exactly what to do. I am the weak. And Steven Grant is the tyranny of evil men. But he’s trying to be the shepherd. He’s trying real hard, Ringo.
Yeah, some day I’ll look back on this week’s bad column and laugh. Not because this week was funny. I’ll laugh because I’ll think, “Wow, someone might have actually made it this far down. SUCKER.” It’s really the SUCKER quality of the column that’s going to give me the most joy in my old age. You are truly the sewage in my bathroom. NOOOOOO… DAMN YOU, BATHROOM SEWAGE METAPHORS -- YOU HAVE BESTED ME ONCE AGAIN….
“Towlie -- you’re the worst character ever.”
“I know…”
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