E-MAIL THE AUTHOR

TITLE BOUT

By A.K.

March 12, 2003

Each week, Diamond Comics posts the New Comics Release List -- a weekly list of comics coming to a store near you this Wednesday.

Here, we have a snapshot of comics as they truly are, in all their Glory and their Gory.

You didn't think I was going anywhere with the pie thing last week, did you? Newsarama has a headline that says otherwise: "A MAN AND HIS PIE." Is it about me? No, the next best thing:

WOLVERINE LOVES PIE!

Here's a quote from Greg Rucka, a fucking visionary, about upcoming plans for one of comic's most popular characters:

"Well, [Wolverine] is trying to eat a piece of pie in a diner, and he’s getting hassled. Darick [Robertson, the new Wolverine artist] and I have come up with the grand theory of [Wolverine] and pie – if you look at Origin, and figure what was an easy, good dessert of that era, it was homemade pie. Nothing is going to make Logan happier on a real simple level, or that’s going to bring a little smile to that that grizzled face than a piece of pie and a cup of coffee.

"So we’ve decided that he will never, ever get a chance to have a piece of pie. He may try, but if you see Logan sitting down to enjoy some pie, you know it’s about to hit the fan. Logan likes pie. There’s nothing wrong with that. Here’s a guy who kills people with his claws, but he likes pie."

I wasn't just babbling randomly about pie. I was, as ever, talking about the deep fundamental values that all comics share, classical values, meaningful fucking values, goddammit. And while I had pie, I did not enjoy my pie, so ... me, Wolverine -- how can you poor bastards even tell the difference anymore?

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

Well, I lost my first hearing before a judge the other day to this sleazy Valley lawyer. Boss was sick, so into court I went, arguin' away; didn't work out -- judge just put off the decision a month so not a complete loss, but... Anyway, that's not stopping my plans to devise MoviePoopShoot's first lawsuit against the Graydon Carter fuckheads at VANITY FAIR. Apparently, out of nowhere, VANITY FAIR's decided that porn stars and their thoughts are worth going into the magazine. Hmmm, wonder where they got that from... Also: COSMO was completely our idea too -- go read Scott Bowden's KENTUCKY FRIED RASSLIN'. Gurley Brown's going down!!!!

INTRODUCTION

Writing this on Monday night; a week from now is St. Patrick's Day and also when that war's supposed to start, huh? That'll be a nice juxtaposition of imagery, won't it? First on the news, drunken college kids puking into a green river, followed by the kids who couldn't get into college or needed help with tuition dropping literally 3,000 precision-guided bombs and missiles in the first 48 hours of war. It's going to be the Mother of All Hangovers!

It’s absolutely not avoidable anymore, so not point talking as if it were. And right or wrong, it's past the point of stopping -- word is our enemies don't really respect pussying-out at the last minute as much as folks were hoping. Right or wrong, I know I'll just be glad when this Geography Test from Hell is over. Do I know where Cameroon is on a fucking map? OHIO PUBLIC SCHOOLS, y'all. I don't drive to work without checking Mapquest, shit.

Anyway, to bring it down to comics: I read a lot of other folks's comic columns. Tenor of most of them? Pretty loudly anti-war.

Got me thinking: I've thought the world was going to hell since the FAT BOYS broke up. I'm just too desensitized to care about the unpopular foreign policy of some ex-cokehead corrupt godfreak. Bitches ain't no Prince Markie Dee.

So fuck the world -- I'm basically just out for myself. I'm in it to win it. 1980s! 1980s! So I ask myself: where's the money/readership at? And the money's all in pandering. Conservative think-tanks got money to burn. Tobacco lawyers live large. FOX NEWS is the #1 cable news channel. As the FLAMING LIPS put it, Evil Will Prevail.

The money is in war profiteering. Dick Cheney blew up Iraq once already as Secretary of Defense in the first Gulf War, then worked for Halliburton, who did more business with Saddam to rebuild Iraq than any other contractor -- $73 million in goods and services while Cheney was CEO. He wanted another war since way before 9/11, and it's already a fact his friends are going to get rich off this war too.
> War profiteering -- cause nobody'll care.

Being yet another namby-pamby comic book columnist inexplicably babbling about namby-pamby left-wing politics instead of comic books -- comics are reaching the GIANT PUSSY audience just fine without your help, Dukakis!!! We got the GIANT PUSSIES by the balls! Wait...

So here's my proposal how a war in Iraq could HELP Comic Book fans and miscellaneous culture geeks for all those war hawks fanboys who just haven't gotten love from the comic book columns; nothing but love for you, at the Poop Shoot. Nothing but love:

So, I didn't think we had any exit strategy. And for a while that was bothering me because Professor History suckling off the public teat at some pinko state university was blathering about Vietnam or the clever ones, about the Philippines. So I thought the choices are we stay there forever, or more likely, when we get bored, we abandon the country to civil wars. Iraq's home to Kurds, Sunnis, and Shiites, and I don't know shit about any of them, but I'm betting they want to kill the fuck out of each other as soon as they get a chance.

But then something occured to me: Iraq is the birthplace of wheat. I don't know if they can make flour because the US wasn't allowing Iraq to do that a while back, but who wants wheat anyway? We make wheat fine. No, no: We want heroin.

We bombed Afghanistan -- anyone care about them anymore? Not in this country. So what are they doing now that noone's watching? They're growing heroin. Tons and tons.

So, Iraq can sell us heroin too. And who loves heroin? Who loves drugs? Artists love drugs. Snooty types like to say that America has two great inventions its given to the world: comics and jazz(have they added rap to that list yet?). Jazz? Everybody was on heroin. Charlie Parker? Heroin. Etta James? Heroin. Miles Davis? Heroin. And that's not some isolated jazz trend. All the good bands in the 90's? Heroin. The great art in the 60's? Psychedelics. 80's? Cocaine. The 70s -- the Golden Age of American Cinema? Jesus, what didn't they take in the 70s?

Yeah, yeah, the drugs eventually destroyed all the artists. Absolutely. But they destroyed them after they made all that great art. Comics -- we could use some great art, is all I'm saying.

I've gone to the comic conventions -- most comic writers? They're a tad heavy. Heroin? It's slimming, to say the least. The stereotype of the overweight fanboy? Gone -- all thanks to bombing a dictator who deserves a bomb up the ass anyway. Two birds with one laser-guided stone.

How else can a war help: A dead dictator makes for better comics than a living one. There were good comics about Hitler when he was alive, but Hitler only really got going once he died -- Hitler's brains, Hitler's clones, Hitler's sleeper agents... If Hitler knew how much he stood to make in royalties, maybe he wouldn't have killed himself. Then again, if he hadn't killed himself, he wouldn't be a dead dictator, and so no royalties. Hmmm, that's a conundrum.

Also: "Isn't war what Iron Man would've wanted?" I always love/am-deepy-disturbed hearing deluded fans taking real-life tragedies and trying to work in some elaborate metaphor to bad kids comics. "Iron Man taught us about the need to fight the bad guys, and Saddam's a bad guy so, you know... I don't want to let Iron Man down...?" It's funny-sad, like a clown with pancreatic cancer, but funny's funny.

So: where's my check from O'Reilly? No spin zone, bitches!!! Where's my check?

DIAMOND COMICS SAYS

Every Monday, we provide a list of products shipping for
the current week, as well as those products expected to
ship the following week!

Shipping This Week: March 12

There was this story over at our sister site, Newsarama, about some stuntman vampire comic book (?)(didn't Mark Evanier do a stuntman comic once with, like... Dan Spiegel or somebody? No vampires? Oh, never mind... what am I thinking of? Am I thinking of the FALL GUY? I'm thinking of the FALL GUY. He was the unknown stuntman who made Eastwood look so fine, you know.). Anyway, something caught my eye:

"The first issue of KILLER STUNTS, INC. is slated for a late '03 nationwide release with distribution from Diamond Comics (on the Web: www.diamondcomics.com), the largest comic book distributer on the globe." The article then goes on to state "THE WORLD IS OURS!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I don't know -- "on the globe" sounds funny to me. Isn't a globe just a big spherical map? How many army men is Diamond Comics worth in Risk? 5 army men? I'd say stick with Australia because in Risk, you really want Australia or South America, though I've done very well from Africa, as well. If I were in charge of US Foreign Policy, and Foreign Policy is anything like Risk, as I'm sure it is, I'd totally take over Australia, and just hole up, build up my forces.

More on conquering Australia hereinbelow...

The following products are expected to ship to comic book
specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative
and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for availability.

PREMIER PUBLISHERS
DARK HORSE
GRENDEL GOD & THE DEVIL #2 (MR) $3.50

LONE WOLF 2100 #7 $2.99

I wish LONE WOLF 2100 would crossover with the 700 CLUB, and find Jesus. LONE WOLF 700 could show up at people's doors early on a Sunday morning, and explain to them about the Lord. You know who else was a Lone Wolf? Jesus. Wait -- no, actually, he had those disciple dudes, I guess. Poor Lone Wolf... Jack Chick's LONE WOLF AND CUB could be very big. Christians read now. Those LEFT BEHIND books? I don't know what they read before those LEFT BEHIND books -- the Bible or something, I'd imagine. Now that Rawhide Kid's gone gay, Marvel should totally have him find Jesus and get de-gayed at one of those deprogramming camps they have. See, that way Marvel could make money off of both sides of the street, and all those stories where Rawhide Kid liked girls could fit into the ever-precious continuity...

DC COMICS
ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #614 $2.25

I think Joe Casey writes this, and -- well, there was this interview with him over at the PULSE. Here's the fun bit:

THE PULSE: How much do you think of the reader when you write?

CASEY: Quite a bit, since the main reader is me. I write for myself.

What a great answer. That answer makes my brain bleed.

Does anyone read AUTOMATIC KAFKA anymore? I've been curious about the book lately after that one crazy DC quote(I can't find the quote) because, well, Ashley Wood's art, basically. I like that it doesn't look like any other book; I just don't really trust Casey. I'd like to know if that book's any better, but seems like no one reviews it much. I'm not really that interested in the whole Superhero Comic About Commenting on Other Superhero Comics thing. I didn't like Alan Moore's SUPREME or KINGDOM COME or any of that phase of mainstream comics; found it intensely phony. ANIMAL MAN did all that already for me better. But ... it is a distinct looking thing. Who knows? Maybe everybody was wrong. Maybe I'm just bored...

AQUAMAN #4 $2.50

AQUAMAN's back; Marvel's reviving NAMOR THE SUBMARINER. It's a wet guy revival! Somehow, people in comics have decided that the audience is in the mood for wet guys again. We love wet guys now. Comic book editors keen in analyzing the cultural Zeitgeist have considered all the factors: impending war, worsening economic situation, Ben Affleck not allowed to fly on the HOOTERS Plane , our nation in a time of crisis. Their conclusion: comic fans want to read about glistening dudes getting wet in underwater adventures.

Why is it the worse the world's getting, the more gay entertainment's getting? CHICAGO, the HOURS, NAMOR, AQUAMAN, those two midgets-in-love in the TWO TOWERS... Have things gotten so bad in the world that we're all just giving up on heterosexuality? Does Dick Cheney own stock in a Cock Ring company or something?

I got gay porn in the mail once a couple years back after I moved apartments. I guess whoever had my old apartment before me was a gay transvestite (most are straight) because his mail was either for purses or the ol' gay porn. FRESHMEN magazine, I believe it was called. The years I spent wishing that porn would magically arrive in my mail for free, and then having FRESHMEN show up like some O'Henry twist... I wasn't too happy about that.

I heard on the radio that most post-op transsexuals end up in lesbian relationships. Anyway, back to the comic books.

Oh incidentally, wet guys have never really worked before like gangbusters, have they? I get why they keep doing stuff that worked, like why SPIDER-MAN's lasted 50 years, even if I resent it a bit, but when they keep doing stuff that BARELY worked or didn't work...

AZRAEL AGENT OF THE BAT #100 $2.95

100 issues... Give up hope, all ye who enter. We should force comic shops to put that over their doors. 100 issues. Seriously, how OLD and UNCOOL are DC fans? Do you geezer fucks ever get together for a good ol' fashioned quilting bee? Someone should put out a ROSIE THE RIVETER comic -- it'd be like a bad girl comic for the over 90 set...

BATGIRL YEAR ONE #4 (Of 9) $2.95

There's a really great (and I mean it this time) quote from a Javier Pulido Interview that I greatly enjoyed. I don't read these comics, but Pulido's terrific. And he said this thing that gets at something critic folks do wrong that I want to quote:

"Sometimes I read comments or critiques talking about the story and the art as separate elements. That doesn't make sense, everything in a comic, if it's well done, it's the story, just the same as in any other narrative medium. And you can only talk about any part of it in relation to the whole. When I read something like 'the story isn't great but the artwork is fantastic, I can't get tired of looking at the beautiful backgrounds with thousand of windows in them', that is just wrong. It is just an artist not doing his work."

I thought he said it very well. Pulido's art is great, too...

BATMAN DEATHBLOW AFTER THE FIRE TP $12.95

Sounds like a JAMES TAYLOR song. Batman & Deathblow about to eat some granola and talk about their lost love? Batman and Deathblow
seen sunny days that they thought would never end, lonely times when they could not find a friend?

BATMAN LEGENDS OF THE DARK KNIGHT #165 $2.50

BEST TV MOVIE EVER MADE: Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt.

Whoever made this is GENIUS: the plot is Adam West (the 1960s TV Batman) and Burt Ward (the 1960s TV Robin) team up at a charity event after the Batmobile gets stolen, instead of calling the cops, and chase after the culprit, while reminiscing about the wacky, almost exclusively sexual escapades(???) they had while filming the original Batman TV series.

Burt Ward getting chased around a house by a knife-wielding groupie he just fucked. Adam West batusi-ing with Julie Newmar, and groping at Yvonne Craig's breasts. Adam West with BOOGER from the REVENGE OF THE NERDS movie as his butler, sliding down a pole he has in his mansion. And just the whole movie was about how much they loved pussy way back when, and times they double-teamed girls or got into three-ways with groupies all of whom had beehives because its the 60s. It was fucking BRILLIANT television.

It was sort of like MULHOLLAND DRIVE if Naomi Watt's character masturbated to the 1960s Batman show instead of that brunette chick. There was something very MULHOLLAND DRIVE about it, like at any minute the Cowboy would come out and "If I see you a second time on the same bat-channel, you will die!"

My favorite part was Adam West (I remember liking DANGER THEATRE when I was a kid, by the way, with him and Deirdrich Bader? West was the Hawaiin detective?), anyway Adam West and Burt Ward walk into a bar. Burt Ward goes to use the bathroom. Instead of "see you later" or "bye," West just sighs, "Chum..." CHUM! I'd love if CHUM were just a word like ALOHA which we could say when we see/leave friends... CHUM...

And apparently, Burt Ward had to take Dick Pills, only the other way? He was too hung, and kids could tell from those Robin tights (this was in the movie, I swear to god -- best TV movie ever), so the TV people gave him pills to minimize his dick! Which -- I didn't even know they could do that with pills, dude. I get e-mail after e-mail every day about making it bigger, and shit, that's just from immediate family. I never heard about going the other way.

Speaking of dick pills, did you see that Clinton/Dole debate on 60 MINUTES? Very disappointing. They weren't in the same room! I guess because they're both busy guys? Dole is busy... masturbating to Britney Spears videos, and Clinton's busy... well, also masturbating to Britney Spears videos. I was hoping they'd wrassle. It was bloodless. In Dole's case, literally bloodless. And somebody get Clinton a joint and a Happie Meal fast -- I barely recognize him without the accessories, you know... he's like SUPERMAN with glasses on now if he doesn't have a lady on his arm.

My favorite part is Clinton's talking about how the tax cut only helps the .000001% richest members of the country, and then I swear to God he smiled, and said, "People like you and me, Bob." And then he said: "Hahaha! We're winners! Suck it, America!!!!" Or something like that. Fuck, I wish he were still the President... There'd be no bombings; there'd be no wars. He'd just go over there and fuck Hussein to death. And orally fuck him to death because that's not technically sex, so I think that'd make Cheney happy, what with all that stock he owns in the various cock ring companies that Clinton could help promote...

BLOOD AND WATER #1 (Of 5) (MR) $2.95

Judd Winick's vampire comic. This is a tough call because I like Winick's personal work -- BARRY WEEN or ROAD TRIP or PEDRO AND ME, but I hate vampire shit. I don't know. He might be able to do something clever with it.

FABLES #11 (MR) $2.50

FILTH #9 (Of 13) (MR) $2.95

Thank god. You know what I'm in the mood for this week? Sex and gore. Where's the fucking sex and gore, goddamit? All the whiny shits like to complain that comics are targeted at immature teenage boys. Like fuck they are -- where's the sex and gore? I remember being an immature teenage boy pretty damn well, and I LOVED sex and gore. Comics aren't targeted towards teenage boys; they're targeted towards LOSERS.

It's not like doing sex and gore comics hurts your career. Geoff Darrow did sex and gore comics. Does he do comics anymore? Nope -- he's doing the MATRIX movies now. Sex and gore! I accept that comics don't have a lot of great romantic comedies, or great comedies period, or great ... westerns. Fine, okay -- but is there any reasonable excuse for the lack of sex and gore in comics? NONE! What, kids? Kids are gone, and if I might add, if kids don't like sex and gore, kids are fucking lame.

What's left is a bunch of teens and college aged dudes. And hell, I remember being a kid. Again, I must reiterate: sex and gore. And just one of them alone will not do. They must be together. It’s like peanut butter and jelly. Action movies now? No sex. The difference between the old James Bond movies and the new James Bond movies is Sean Connery actually seemed like he enjoyed sex. Pierce Brosnan -- its like he's too afraid of getting his hair mussed up. Connery wins again.

This comic understands, at least. The FILTH -- no shortage of sex and gore. Thank God someone's holding up their end of the bargain...

SEX AND GORE!

GOTHAM CENTRAL #5 $2.50
GREEN LANTERN EMERALD DAWN II TP $12.95
HARLEY QUINN #30 $2.50
HELLBLAZER SPECIAL LADY CONSTANTINE #4 (Of 4) (MR) $2.95
HERO #2 $2.50

HIGH ROADS TP $14.95

Speaking of Hitler's post-death career resurgence, this comic was about Hitler's WHORE. Hussein wishes we did comics about his whores. Maybe some day we will. Won't that be an enlightened age?

HUNTER AGE OF MAGIC #21 (MR) $2.75
JSA #46 $2.50
NIGHTWING #79 $2.25

RELOAD #1 (Of 3) $2.95

Buying this. While I'm not happy with Warren Ellis's current work (helllllooooo, exposition), Ellis has hit before; he might be able to hit again. This might be it -- it’s an action comic with some pretty interesting work by Paul Gulacy. The premise is some political assassination thriller -- sounds like an emphasis on action. I hope this is something. It takes me a long time to give up on somebody if they've done a good job at some point. I suffered through awful Frank Miller book after awful Frank Miller book before I gave up there, god knows (gave up after SIN CITY FAMILY VALUES -- comic I hate the most). Here, I'm curious on the Cully Hamner book and possibly the Japan thing. I must admit I'm not hopeful after the last couple books I've tried since my reactions to those were STRONGLY negative, but ... you know, a guy who's been someplace before is going to give you better directions than someone who's never been there. Wait, that sounded incredibly stupid... Anyway, who else is doing original comics? Sort of damned to the guy on that count.

SCOOBY DOO #70 $2.25
STORMWATCH TEAM ACHILLES #9 (MR) $2.95
SUPERMAN ACTION FIGURE PI
SUPERMAN AND BATMAN GENERATIONS III #3 (Of 12) $2.95
SUPERMAN BIZARRO ACTION FIGURE PI
SUPERMAN BRAINIAC 13 ACTION FIGURE PI
SUPERMAN LAST STAND ON KRYPTON $6.95

IMAGE
AGE OF BRONZE #16 $3.50
CLOCKMAKER #2 (Of 12) $2.50
GI JOE #15 $2.95
GI JOE FRONTLINE #5 $2.95
MICRONAUTS #6 $2.95
MUTANT EARTH BISLEY CVR #4 $2.95
MUTANT EARTH TAN CVR #4 $2.95
NOBLE CAUSES VOL 1 IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH TP $12.95

TOTAL SELL OUT TP (MR) $14.95

Oh, this book looks to be a blast from the past. Back before all these people who never read the crime comics started complaining "Bendis was better when he was doing crime comics"... if all the people who complain about how Bendis used to be better actually were reading the books back then, he'd have been in the Top Ten... Anyway, before Marvel, he used to do comics for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, or he put out a couple special issues (including my favorite the JINX TRUE CRIME CONFESSIONS). And sometimes the Plain Dealer strips, he'd stick those in the back of his comics, so it was just an added treat. Some funny stuff, some awful "commentary" stuff that only worked in the week when the joke was fresh (if then)... it'll be interesting to see how he's put this book together. The TRUE CRIMES CONFESSIONS work should probably be the highlight...

MARVEL
BLACK PANTHER #55 $2.50

CAPTAIN AMERICA #10 $2.99
CAPTAIN AMERICA WHAT PRICE GLORY #2 $2.99

You know the best thing about wartime, though, is the pro-war country music. The soon-to-be #1 country song in this country? Darryl Worley with "Have You Forgotten?" Here's a little excerpt of the lyrics:

"I hear people saying we don't need this war/ I say there's some things worth fighting for/ Some say this country's just out looking for a fight/ After 9/11, man, I'd have to say that's right/ Have you forgotten all the people killed?/ Some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field/ Have you forgotten about our Pentagon?/ All the loved ones that we lost and those left to carry on/ Don't you tell me not to worry about bin Laden."

I'm waiting for the Puff Daddy remix, personally, but ... he rhymes "PENTAGON" with "Carry On." Country music -- it's nice to know what all those people in the states I don't care about are thinking. You hear statistics that 46% of Americans think the September 11th hijackers were Iraqis (17% knew the correct answer that none were). But it really takes a good song for you to get the full sense of it, you know?

I wish I could go back in time to all those people who were calling that movie WAG THE DOG far-fetched, and kick them in the balls, you know?

INCREDIBLE HULK #51 $2.25
IRON MAN #66 $2.25

KILLRAVEN #6 (Of 6) $2.99

Sex and Gore? Yeah, but raven gore??? I'm not Edgar Allen Poe, motherfucker. I wanted human gore, thank you. And not some disembowled cow that's supposed to represent capitalism, either, Eisenstein. Save it for POTEMPKIN.

Just a dude's head getting blown off or a still-beating heart getting ripped out of a little kid's chest Spielberg style or a bullet going up an ass, say. Why is that too much to ask? We're about to start an unprovocated war. We're a warlike culture. But comics, oh no, comics are too busy with their "great power, great responsibility" lecture that no one wants to hear.

Everyone's talking about wishing comics could reach new readers yet again lately. Steven Grant did a crackerjack analysis of the problems of comics finding new readers in his last column. But I saw something a couple hours ago:

Stuart Moore writes one of those comic columns -- he was one of the folks complaining about the war rather than gettin' in the NO SPIN ZONE!. His new column is about creator ownership. It's just a HISTORY of creator ownership. That's it. A history of creator ownership. But his column's on Newsarama so we get to see the readers respond, and here's one: "The problem I have with this column is that it often deals with subject matter I already am familiar with (as would anyone who has been collecting comics for more than 10 years) and the column often doesn't add anything new, not even spicy or exciting prose."

MARVEL UNIVERSE THE END #1 (Of 6) $3.50

So I say let's give up hope on new readers. They're just a myth like Bigfoot or the liberal media. But in the meantime, we have a bunch of jaded, creepy weirdo fucks like me who still want to read comics. I say pander to us. Those new readers who are going to look into your soul and think you're REALLY COOL -- they don't exist. I mean, I'd hate to watch a comic book writer at a bar hitting on girls if they have the same attitude there, you know? No, no, I say pander. Sex. Gore. FOX NEWS! If its going away like all the naysayers predict it is, let's at least go out with a bang!

Sex and gore! This is THE END... my only friend... THE END... Is this the second time I've quoted that song in this column? I think it is. I don't know -- that hope that everyone was feeling a couple years back has evaporated though, hasn't it? I mean, even back then, people were rooting for the hope to go away, so its hard to evaluate, but... Have things taken a turn for the darker lately, or am I just reading the wrong people bitching like they always have? You tell me. Probably the latter. Comics has never hurt for Chicken Little Syndrome...

That's the nice thing about these lists. If you're in love with the IDEA of comics, these are not lists you want to look at. I think most of the fans you see online -- they just like the idea of comics. The actual comics, they should maybe stop reading and move on from. But they just love the idea of it... It's sad. As sad as last week's failure to get pie? No. As sad as Burt Ward needing dick-away pills? No. The clown with the pancreatic cancer? No, that was more funny-sad, as I said. As sad as me quoting the same Doors song AGAIN? Hmm, yeah, about that sad. Pathetic sad...

MEKANIX #6 (Of 6) $2.99
SPIDER-MAN TANGLED WEB VOL 4 TP $15.99
ULTIMATE X-MEN #30 $2.25
ULTIMATE X-MEN VOL 2 HC $29.99

ULTIMATES #9 (RES) $2.25

Mark Millar's Gomer Pyle act -- cute/not-cute? Argue amongst yourselves. For a little while, he had me confused with the incessant "Aren't comics grand" horseshit, but I finally figured it out. He's ripping off Gomer Pyle! He's moments from a good solid "GOLLLLLLLLLY!" Say what you will of Ellis ripping off the AMERICAN IDOL asshole or the WEAKEST LINK broad's schtick -- at least he's working in an acceptable vein. Americans love being attacked by snippety British people. I think its because we're too impressed by the accents and the cute words British people pretend they say all the time to fool us, like "Cor blimey" or whatever. But Millar -- what British person is that into Gomer Pyle, for fuck's sakes? I'd argue that's not an acceptable vein. Why not act like, I don't know, Basil Faulty or Father Ted or one of those girls from COUPLING? But Gomer Pyle... disappointing.

WOLVERINE #187 $2.25
WOLVERINE LEGENDS VOL 2 MELTDOWN TP $19.99
X-MEN LEGENDS VOL II DARK PHOENIX SAGA TP $19.95

WIZARD
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN ACE ED #1 $13.99

TRANSLUCENT GUNDAM TOYFARE EXCLUSIVE FIGURE (O/A) PI

If it’s translucent, how do you ...

COMICS

BUT WAIT! Obviously, my outlook on America, the American comic system? Grim this week? A little grim? Well, here's a little pasttime I think all Americans enjoy when we're feeling down about the ol' Red White and Blue, and it's called "What the fuck they got over there that's so great?"

I was thinking this morning -- I know what European comics are like roughly. And I know what Asian comics are like roughly. There's variance within those two continents, but they have their dominant styles, right? And North America, sure. I'm weak on South America, but obviously, with all the great South American artists in comics lately, South America's got its own style. Africa -- probably a touch poor for comics. I'd hope so, but I have no idea. Seem like they have more on their minds; people in Cameroon trying to figure out where they are on a map and all...

But wait a second: I read AFTER THE SNOOTER; that was fucking great. What about Australia?

Australia's a continent. And its got English speakers, or it NEARLY has English speakers. Yet, ask anyone what they know about Australian comics, and if they're smart, maybe they'll come up with one thing: Eddie Campbell(who's KINDA Australian?). But that can't be IT -- it can't just be Eddie Campbell.

Or maybe they'd get confused and say Dylan Horrocks, but Horrocks is from New Zealand, which is different. New Zealand is where the LORD OF THE RINGS movies were made, so ... Next time you hear a girl complaining about a bar being full of losers, you just tell her how New Zealand was desparate for losers, and... watch her run from you. Or you know, buy her a drink? This -- this isn't a chatting-up-girls-in-bars-advice column, I'm afraid, so... no help there...

So I did some research on the Australian comics scene. And I was looking for one thing: Ridiculous words. What did I find?

BEWARE THE KILLEROO! With apologies to Ben Templesmith (30 DAYS OF NIGHT)(apparently Australian?), here's his cover:

This -- this ain't no friggin' bush kangaroo...

Besides that: Australian comics apparently SUCK. They refer to their industry as the "local scene." They're a CONTINENT! There's not very many books, and no sense of any sort of distinctive visual sensibility is apparent from the websites, at least. They like funny animal books apparently. And despite not really having much by way of comics, it seems like there's a sort of bitchiness towards the US because they read our comics, and our comics, as scientifically proven repeatedly, can create bitchiness in a vacuum.

Which... What the fuck did we ever do to Australians???? Did George Bush's dingo eat your baby? ... I forced that joke too hard? I needed to work in a dingo somehow; I got desperate.

Anyway, in conclusion, Fosters is a fucking awful beer. No one really drinks that shit, do they? I thought Australian superheroes would drink beer, and throw shrimp on barbies, and compare the size of their knives, and mutter angrily about Crocs... Unfortunately, no, the Australian Comics scene is not run by either Paul Hogan or Yahoo Serious. If only...

If only...

They have a whole continent, and ... I didn't really see much of interest. For a CONTINENT! I do want to see that new Alex Proyas movie, but I hear its crap. Sydney seems like a fun place to live. And yet: no comics. Damn you, Yahoo Serious... Damn you to HELL!!!

AMAZING TRUE LIFE STORIES #1 $3.50
AMELIA RULES #9 $2.95
ANGELIC LAYER VOL 5 GN (Of 5) $9.99
BATTLE OF PLANETS SKETCHBOOK PREVIEW S&N ED $19.99
BIG O PART 4 #1 (Of 4) $3.50
BLUE MONDAY NOBODYS FOOL (MR) $2.95

BRIAN PULIDO LADY DEATH #2 MEDIEVAL TALE $2.95

You know why she's LADY DEATH? Because women with breast implants are more likely to kill themselves. It's true. Granted, the study that discovered this fact probably didn't take into account the whole stripper hooked on meth thing, but... you know, they examined 3,521 Swedish women ... with enormous breasts... and they, ah, they examined these large-breasted Swede women to determine whether, ah... they... and by they, I mean the 3,521 large-breasted Swedish women, whether they...

I'm sorry, but what was I saying?

CHIMERA #2 (Of 4) $2.95
COLLECTED PRISON FUNNIES #1 (MR) $3.95

CONTENT #1 $3.00

This won a Xeric grant, I think. I'm not sure if I trust those Xeric people. It's always some comic about DREAMS or something. I don't know. This has gotten good reviews though from, I don't know, Alan Doane, and the Fourth Rail guys, and whoever the fuck...

DAREDEVIL VS VAPORA #1 PI
DAREDEVIL VS VAPORA #1 SIGNED ED PI

People sure are mad at this movie. The comic fan fascination with how much money this is making -- it's not a bomb, people. It maybe isn't making a HUGE amount of money, but it's February, first of all, and ... it appears that it'll make money(accounting practices aside). But ahm.. who cares?

Comic fans who wouldn't ever read DAREDEVIL anyway just seem fascinated by their delusion that it's somehow failed and that its failure is somehow MARVEL's fault! As if Joe Quesada directed the fucking thing.

It wasn't a great movie, no, of course not. Am I the only one to notice that Hollywood puts out a bunch of bad movies a year? So what if this is one more of them? It's not the last bad movie I'll see this year -- BAD BOYS 2, yo. I'm THERE. Michael Bay, Will Smith -- it's going to SUCK. I'll be the first person to buy tickets. And X-MEN sucked, too.

If you thought there was a new audience that was going to be created for comics, well, see above. There is no new audience for any of you. You're stuck with me. I'm all you got, Comics. Mwwahahahahahah! THE GLOBE IS DIAMOND'S!!!!

DIGIMON VOL 1 GN $9.99
DOGWITCH #1 SIGNATURE PLATE ED (MR) PI
FEMFORCE SISTERS IN SIN LTD REVISED ED $21.95
FINDER #30 (MR) $2.95
FORGE #12 $7.95
FREEMIND #4 (PU#553) $3.50

GENE FUSION #1 $2.95

Buying this. This is the first book from Beckett’s, who looks like they're really trying to get into comics (they haven't heard about the whole No New Audience theory of mine, I guess).

I think its about a young boy who can turn into Gene Siskel at will, which -- I never realized how much I missed Gene until Roeper infested us... I think Siskel would really manage to dispense some justice.

No, anyway, no, this is a monster comic by Ivan Brandon (who did the QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE review way back when for the Poop Shoot) and Neil Vokes (the upcoming PARLIAMENT OF JUSTICE), with colors by Matt Hollingsworth (who's awesome?), and covers by Mike Oeming (POWERS, BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC).

GTO VOL 10 GN (Of 25) $9.99
JUGHEAD WITH ARCHIE DIGEST #182 $2.39
JUNGLE FANTASY ADRIAN CVR #2 (MR) $3.50
JUNGLE FANTASY AL RIO VIXENS CVR #2 (MR) $3.50
JUNGLE FANTASY FAUNA NUDE CVR #2 (MR) $6.00
JUNGLE FANTASY MARTIN FAUNA CVR #2 (MR) $3.50
JUNGLE FANTASY SHAW FAUNA CVR #2 (MR) $3.50
KILLBOX #3 $5.00
KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE ILLUSTRATED #20 $2.99
KODT EVERKNIGHTS #5 $2.99
LASH LARUE WESTERN #2 $5.95
LAUGHTER OF THE DAMNED #1 (MR) $2.65
LEGENDARY COUPLE GN #4 $13.95
LOVE HINA VOL 9 GN (Of 14) $9.99
MAGE KNIGHT STOLEN DESTINY #5 (Of 5) $3.50
MEGA DRAGON & TIGER GN #4 $13.95
METALLIX #3 (PU#553) $3.50

MIDNIGHT MOVER #1 (Of 4) (MR) $2.95

Curious. This is by the writer of SHOT CALLERZ, which I thought started very well, but then fell apart at the end. It's a different artist -- someone from animation, I think. Another crime comic. Maybe he's worked the kinks out. I do like crime comics.

MIRACLE GIRLS VOL 8 PKT TP $9.99
NEGATION #16 $2.95
OCTAVIA RUBY RED FOIL CVR #1 PI
OCTAVIA SP ED #1 PI
PALS N GALS DOUBLE DIGEST #74 $3.59
PEACH GIRL CHANGE OF HEART VOL 1 TP $9.99
PENNY FARTHING PRESS INTRO PACK PI
PHOENIX VOL 2 TP DAWN $15.95
PLANET LADDER VOL 5 GN (Of 5) $9.99
POISON ELVES LUSIPHUR & LIRILITH TP (STAR15660) $11.95
POTLATCH #2 $5.95
PRIEST VOL 5 GN (Of 9) $9.99

RAIJIN COMICS #14 (MR) $4.95

Why is it that Shonen Jump or manga -- there's this huge audience for it thanks to the cartoons on the CARTOON NETWORK? But JLA has a cartoon. Batman has a cartoon. Where's its huge audience? Do older people watch those cartoons? Do the numbers make sense? I'd like to know the demographics of all those cartoons, I think.

REPORTER #2 (MR) $2.50
SABRINA VOL 2 #43 $2.19
SAINT LEGEND GN #4 $13.95
SAMURAI LEGEND GN $15.95
SCARLET FOX ONE SHOT $2.25
SCHISM NIGHT CROSSING #1 (Of 4) $2.95
SCHIZO #1-2 PACK (MR) $7.50
SCRYED VOL 1 GN $9.99

SEX ATTACK GN (A) $14.95

We went to a Mexican place over the weekend, near Malibu. And I don't eat out much in Malibu, but that's where friends wanted to eat. Why this particular Mexican place? As we're walking into the place, the GIRL who picked the restaurant explains: There's a show on SHOWTIME that follows Seymour Butts, the pornography director, as he tries to date normal women in Los Angeles (no oxymoron intended). And as we sit down, she goes, "He was sitting right there on the show!"

So, yeah, SEX ATTACK, indeed... Fame's some weird shit, isn't it? That or who the fuck am I hanging out with?

SHI ILLUSTRATED WARRIOR #2 (Of 7) (O/A) $2.99
SHI OWARI TOUR BOOK $9.99
SIGIL #34 $2.95
SNARFQUEST GRAPHIC NOVEL $25.00
SOJOURN #21 $2.95
STORM RIDERS GN #11 $13.95

STRAY BULLETS #30 (MR) $3.50

I'm tired and want to wrap this column up, but this arc is something. Lapham's clicking on this arc a little better than he was before, I think. I'm not hearing much about this series, but it's actually a little more interesting than it was, I think.

STRAY BULLETS VOL 7 TP (MR) $14.95

SUPER HERO HAPPY HOUR #2 $3.00

They totally ripped off my idea for SUPER HERO HAPPY ENDING. Sex and gore! This is about a bar that superheros go to. I don't remember if Asian massuesse/prostitutes are involved or not, but man, I sure hope so.

T & A & REAL ESTATE GN (MR) $12.95

Like the Playboy Mansion or like Hooters? Because Ben Affleck can't fly on the Hooters plane, and I want to work in another reference to that since I find that funny...

TOMB RAIDER #18 BALTIMORE COMIC CON 02 S&N SKETCH ED $39.99
TOMB RAIDER #25 ENDGAME PLATINUM FOIL CVR ED PI
TRANSFORMERS WAR WITHIN #6 $2.95
VICTORIAN #18 $2.95
VIETNAM JOURNAL GN (MR) $13.95
WAY OF THE RAT VOL 1 TP WALLS OF ZHUMAR $15.95
WEASEL SGN #6 (MR) $19.95

WHY DID PETE DUEL KILL HIMSELF (STAR14794) (MR) $8.95

Because he wasn't allowed on the Hooters plane? See this is why I thought the SUPER HERO HAPPY ENDING would be so important.

I'm curious about this. Is this by the same guy who did MAIL ORDER BRIDE? I heard great things about that, but I never got to it. I am very curious about the person who does this.

CONCLUSION

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. Ben Affleck has to bomb Iraq. Cue Country Music to the Intro Track. But all our planes have been destroyed by the Killeroo released by angry Australians. And Mark Millar's sort of a comic relief army private that runs around -- well, see: Gomer Pyle, basically. So there's only one plane left he can drop bombs with. The HOOTERS plane. I'm not sure what happens next(could it be Sex and Gore!, but the movie would end with Affleck being named President of Atlantis, all wet and shit, getting a massage.

Yeah, I take it back: FUCK Daredevil! DIE HOOTERS would have made ten times more money. Fuck Marvel.

HEY, WHY NOT TRANSLATE THIS COMIC?

I can understand not translating some Japanese guy no one knows. Or some arty European guy. But say hypothetically one of the biggest names in comics history did a comic, and no one translated it.

His name is Jean Giraurd, sometimes he calls himself Moebius, and the comic is called ICARO. And not only is it by a fucking LEGEND (see his influence on BLADE RUNNER, the FIFTH ELEMENT, ALIENS, etc.), but it’s drawn by a somewhat renowned manga artist as well, Jiro Taniguchi(BENKEI IN NEW YORK from PULP, and I think he has a book out this week? SAMURAI LEGEND???). I hear manga sells -- that’s the rumor anyway.

What's ICARO about? I don't know. It's got action. It seems VERY AKIRA-ish, to be honest. I think its an ICARUS story -- ICARUS, ICARO, etc.

But folks: MOEBIUS doesn't even get translated. The art I've seen -- this isn't an art comic. It looked like an action comic. There were guns and everything. Nope -- no translation. Something broken? I'm saying something's broken.

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