The sequel has Luke Perry and Jason Priestly teaming up to fight vampires. The SIDEBURNE COVENANT? …

Can it get worse than the Sideburne Covenant? Hmm, there’s always a bad Beatles parody: BLACKBURNE SINGING IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT? TAKE THESE BROKEN WINGS AND LEARN TO FLY… ALL YOUR LIFE…. YOU WERE JUST COVENANTING FOR THIS MOMENT TO ARRIVE… ? Yeah, I’d say that was worse than the Sideburne Covenant. 1600 in Blackburne jokes!!!

This is a horror comic by Fabian Nicieza and “Italian horror artist” Stefano Raffaele, apparently.

MIKE MIGNOLA ART OF HELLBOY HC $49.95

SUPER MANGA BLAST #30 (MR) $5.99

War Junkie: I keep BBC going for news at work usually. BBC is good for the info, but every once in a while they start talking in that Pansy English they got over there. One day there was this report: “Saddam’s information ministers says that Tony Blair is an angry Muppet who wants only to rape Iraqi children and steal the oil and blah blah blah blah blah. BUT THAT’S JUST RUBBISH!”

… Rubbish? OH NO, IT’S RUBBISH! Such language! Such anger! “Saddam is an anorak, a barmy, a cheesy bloke! That divvy should chuck a sickie! Brahms and Liszt!!!” Bill Hicks’s zombie is laughing somewhere with some hooligans…

Pansy English keeps distracting me ghoulishly watching the entire planet spiral ever more into complete chaos and misery…

I don’t know -- you think this is a clusterfuck or do you think we’re all impatient for expecting a major invasion to end in three hours total? I’m leaning towards clusterfuck, but I always lean towards clusterfuck. Bad day at work? Clusterfuck. Soup cold? Soup-clusterfuck. Clusterfuck? Then that’d be clusterfuck-squared. If you take the derivative of that? I’m pretty sure the derivative of clusterfuck-squared is clusterfuck multiplied by two. My point? Some of that calculus pays off now and then. You’d be surprised -- 1600 in Clusterfuck.

Still: jeeeeeeeeeeezus, what a world. I can’t find anything boring to read anymore. It’d be nice to read a nice boring perspective. “Ehh, invading -- might be good, might not. I don’t know.” Something boring. I read this guy today -- former General of the Air Force back during the first Gulf War, interesting enough guy. Here’s a little chunk of how a keen military mind like that works:

QUESTION: There is an argument here, which is that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, chemical, biological and nuclear know-how . . . that the Iraqi government could give these weapons to somebody that's willing to use them, which could wreak pretty serious consequences on the world. Do you buy that?

Answer: This reminds me of the story about the guy who said, If I had some ham, I'd make a ham sandwich, if I had some bread.

Oh. Okay. Next question. Nevermind. So, question: (a) am I losing my mind, (b) is everyone else losing their minds, ( c) I and III, but not I, or (d) not all of us got 1600 in Shitty, you braggy bleeding heart fucko.

DC COMICS

21 DOWN #8 $2.95

Let’s take a look at a little of that 21 DOWN:

ACTION COMICS #802 $2.25
BATMAN NEVERMORE #1 (Of 5) $2.50
BIG DADDY DANGER #9 (Of 9) $2.95
CODENAME KNOCKOUT #23 (MR) $2.75
DETECTIVE COMICS #781 $2.75

DOOM PATROL #19 $2.50

I always stare at this title, month after goddamn month, and wish it meant something backwards. LORTAP MOOD. I wish a LORTAP MOOD was rice queen slang for wanting a Vietnamese dude. But it’s not -- it’s just gibberish. But isn’t that, you know, a larger statement of the modern condition, constantly trying to futilely impose meaning onto something we inherently know is gibberish? If only the human condition could just find a decently cut Vietnamese dude… if only this comic had been any good -- had a good artist -- cancelled, right? I hope they’re smart enough to find something for that artist…

FLASH TERMINAL VELOCITY TP NEW PRTG $14.95
GEN 13 MEANWHILE TP $17.95
GREEN ARROW QUIVER TP $17.95

HAWKMAN #14 $2.50

I noticed something strange this week. Consider the following three panels from the new issue of HAWKMAN. The issue is about HAWKGIRL and for some reason has an overabundance of what comics historians call “split beaver shots.” At least if R.C. Harvey’s GOLDEN AGE OF SPLIT BEAVER SHOTS is any indication.

If you go look at the preview of the first four pages of this comic that’s available online -- its split beaver galore. The artist is good, but it’s a little on the gross side.

These aren’t those panels, but these three caught my eye…

HERO DOUBLE FEATURE $4.95
JSA FAIR PLAY TP $14.95

JUSTICE LEAGUE ADVENTURES #18 $2.25

BUT WAIT: That’s not all! Here’s a little bit of the preview of the FIRST PAGE of this comic:

LOONEY TUNES #101 $2.25

MAD BATHROOM COMPANION #3 TP $9.95

This happens in prison a lot. I think I saw this in an episode of OZ.

ROBOTECH #5 (Of 6) $2.95
SUPER FRIENDS SUPERMAN AND LEX LUTHOR DLX ACTION FIGURE SET PI

WILL EISNERS SPIRIT ARCHIVES VOL 10 HC $49.95

Will Eisner’s CRYPT OF SOULS!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Who’d you think would win if Will Eisner were to fight Vincent Price? I’d personally bet on Will Eisner, in so far as Vincent Price is dead. I think that gives Eisner an edge.

IMAGE

MACE BOUNTY HUNTER #1 $2.99

Here’s ad copy for this comic: ”Mace Griffin has had a hard life.” Mace Griffin? Was CHEST ROCKHARD already trademarked? Mace Griffin sounds like a porn star’s pen name for when he wants to do some really embarrassing shit he doesn’t want his porn friends to know about. “My surrogate porn family wouldn’t approve -- I know! I’ll call myself Mace Griffin!” This is based on some videogame. Man, that must be one shitty videogame.

MYTHSTALKERS #1 $2.95
RADISKULL & DEVIL DOLL RADISKULL HATE LOVE ONE SHOT $2.95

MARVEL

The EPIC announcements are about to start finally. It’s a shame they called it Epic since that name has history to it that doesn’t sound like part of the plan. I don’t know -- call me a Pollyanna, but hopefully some good will come of new voices having more opportunities. Shit, personally, I’m just glad I’m not handling the legal aspects of crazy comic book fans submitting their story ideas to Marvel (though the implied contract cause of action? Sadly overrated these days). Seriously, if anyone wants to sue Marvel because they stole your idea for the comic about Wolverine fighting Sabretooth…

I don’t know. All the people in comics now are OLD. It’ll be nice having younger people have a shot at making comics again before the smell of these guys’s Dependz interweaves at the comic conventions with the smell of the comics retailers to merge into some Voltron-esque MEGASMELL. The really good guys are old as hell. Even alternative comics -- most of the people worth reading have been around forever. A couple people here and there, I’m reading the same people as I could be ten years ago, if not more. I don’t know how many people this’ll uncover, but hell, I don’t know how many people were going to get in any other way…

Though, yeah, if I can address all those new people ala a commencement speech? Ahem: Don’t Trust Any Of Those Motherfuckers. If I could boil the lesson all of the History of Comics Written in English down into a single phrase? It’d be Don’t Trust Any of Those Motherfuckers. And if I could boil the lesson of the History of Fucking Marvel Comics down into a single phrase? It’d be What Are You Goddamn Stupid, Smoking the Tweed and Running Around Trusting Those Motherfuckers Like You Don’t Know Any Better, Stupid Goddamn Bitch. Be nice, be a team player, make friends, take drugs not hugs, but seriously: you? You no trust. If I could bombard you with pamphlets showing stick figures with turbans who TRUST Marvel getting blown up, and stick figures with turbans who DON’T TRUST Marvel dancing around with Allah, then I would bombard you with that pamphlet. But I don’t know how to draw a turban onto a stick figure -- it’s more difficult than it sounds. You’d be surprised. 1600 in Racist Deployment of Stick Figures to Dehumanize Minorities? Sadly no. Snake eyes on that count, I’m afraid…

The television news has gotten so untrustworthy and idiotic with this war -- I was watching late last night and there was a story on CNN about the pamphletting propaganda campaign. And CNN essentially said the following: “We asked the lil’ Iraqi shitheads if they liked our pamphlets, and they said yes, they did like our pamphlets very much, especially the skill with which we draw turbans onto stick figures, and they thank us for the pamphlets we’re dropping on their heads, but they’d much rather have food dropped on their heads.” And the news has gotten so horrifically stupid lately that I couldn’t tell if they were being ironic or not. I can’t trust them that much. My trust is dead.

Tuesday, 10 pm: CNN’s talking to some guy in a flannel shirt. Who is this guy? He’s crying. Wait, no, he’s glad. MY GOD, the guy interviewing him is ENORMOUS. They’re using some clever framing, but he is genuinely humongous. I’ve never seen such a fat newscaster. Okay, now CNN’s zoomed in on the dad to get him off-screen. I wish they’d show him. He’s the Blues Traveler guy of CNN… Uhm, are we going to attack Syria? CNN’s too busy to tell me, but meantime, breaking news: fat man also jolly. Thank you, CNN.

Oh, speaking of OH MAN WHO IS THIS MOTHERFUCKER news -- there was this quote in the Sunday UK Times(which unfortunately requires a subscription)(but you can find a copy of the article here) about some Marines who’ve been in the worst fighting -- sounds like the worst of it. And they ask one Marine who’s just been through an unknownable hell, I’m sure an unknowable hell, how he’s feeling about the fun-filled vacation to Iraq that Uncle Sam’s providing him.

Here’s a little snippet of that answer: ”The Iraqis are sick people and we are the chemotherapy.” Uhmmm, I surrender? I know I’m not Arab or in Iraq or armed, 1600 in Total Fucking Coward actually, but where do I surrender? Just point to where I surrender, and it’s done, I promise. (The quote is actually much longer and … a little more awful and scary, but let’s just stop there…)

Another funny detail from the article is that -- every war has its racist slang. This one? HAJIS. After that little fucker from Johnny Quest??? I mean, its such a NICE bit of racism. The old slurs involved having filthy sex with camels and were so much more filthy. For all the talk of chemotherapy, the Marines are such nice guys now. They’ve mellowed if the best they’ve got is Hajis.

And you know, I don’t mean any of this in the pejorative. Who knows what those kids have seen or been through, and god, I don’t think they have any idea what they’re in for. God knows the fact they haven’t shot those stupid goddamn embedded journalist Ivy League dorks in the back the first chance they got -- they should get a fucking medal for that. I hope things start going better for everyone involved. Same for the civilians. Same for all the people with that crazy Scary Hong Kong disease. Same for -- let’s see, war, pestilence, famine -- same for anyone dealing with famine, and same for whatever that 4th Horseman of the Apocalypse was. Let me think -- Death? Eh, how was the 4th Horseman just plain old Death? Like, “Oh no the 4th Horseman made me have a heart attack while sleeping with my 18 year old trophy bride. You bastard!” I’ll take that horseman over pestilence, thanks, no offense to the Chinese. Anyway, back to me trying to appease both the pro-and-anti-war people since everyone’s so on edge… Blah blah blah, lets all hold hands… okay, everybody good? Cool.

Oh look, they’re starting to invade Baghdad. Oh well, back to comic books…

ALIAS #21 (RES) (MR) $2.99

CALL #1 $2.25

The lives of a high-price call girl in the Marvel universe? What a rip-off of the PRO. Anyway, if I wanted to read a comic about a high-priced call girl, I’d just buy SPIDER GIRL like everybody else.

DAREDEVIL #45 $2.99

ELEKTRA #21 (RES) $2.99

HULK WOLVERINE 6 HOURS #4 (Of 4) $2.99

MARVELOUS ADVENTURES OF GUS BEEZER STARRING INCREDIBLE HULK $2.99
MARVELOUS ADVENTURES OF GUS BEEZER STARRING SPIDER-MAN $2.99
MARVELOUS ADVENTURES OF GUS BEEZER STARRING THE X-MEN $2.99

Oh, this is a comedy for kids, I think, by Gail Simone and, ahm, Jason Lethcoe, I think (ZOOM’s ACADEMY). It’s nice seeing Marvel try to do more all-ages books.

SENTINEL #1 $2.99

SPIDER-GIRL #59 (Note Price) $2.99

This comic is getting cancelled [Ed. Note: Not any more], and the fans are trying to do a petition thing to save it, on the premise that this book can reach a new audience it hasn’t in the last FIVE YEARS somehow. The interesting thing? This is the second time they’re doing the petition thing, I think. Also interesting? High-priced call girl. Trickin’ like there’s no tomorrow.

SPIDEY AND THE MINI MARVELS $3.50
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #39 $2.25
ULTIMATE X-MEN #31 $2.25

WOLVERINE XISLE #1 $2.50

… Is Snoop Dogg writing a comic now? Xisle my hizzle, for schnizzle? Fo’ shizzle.

X-MEN 2 MOVIE ADAPTATION $3.50

WIZARD

COMICS

BONE #51 $2.95

It’s interesting that such an important book gets such little attention. When was the last time you saw a story about BONE? There were stories back when Jeff Smith said he’d be doing that Shazam book, but … This is a book that’ll still be around when everything on this list is being urinated on in hell. Or it should be anyway. I know I’m waiting for the third act to be collected in its entirety before I read it, but is that everyone’s strategy? There was a time you couldn’t go very long without someone making a Bone reference, Bone as being the model to aim for… I can’t understand any loss in popularity if it’s happened… Hmm…

CATHEXIS GN (O/A) (A) $13.95
CONAN THE ADVENTURER COMIC 3 PACK $9.95
COVEN SPELLCASTER AND TOOTH BAGGED SET $15.95
CRAYON SHINCHAN GN #4 $9.95
CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON GN #3 $13.95
DF AMAZING SPIDER-MAN SGN #50 $19.99
DF BATMAN LEE SGN #612 $19.99
DF INCREDIBLE HULK SGN #50 $19.99
DF ROBOTECH CGC GRADED 9.8 SGN #0 PI
DF SUPERMAN METROPOLIS SGN #1 $19.99

DORK TOWER LORD OF THE RINGS SPECIAL (O/A) $2.99

Great, eight hours of DORK TOWER won’t make me want to blow my brains out. Wonderful. God, I’m ALREADY dreading the 5 hour beating my ass is going to take watching that third movie. If a movie’s good, if a movie’s bad -- I just want to have blood flowing through my ass, Orson Welles. I’m already dreading the 5 hour ass beating. Those two little midgets who are in love with each other better start making out in the third one. I’ve spent 10 hours already in build-up to some hot midget guy-guy. I want Mel Brooks to show up in the middle and say something like “Frodo Lives -- boy, does he! Return of the King? IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING.” Something tasteful.

Mel Brooks is apparently a lousy driver. My friends had this story last summer how he kept hitting their car trying to parallel park next to them. Banged the shit out of their car, apparently. They felt bad complaining since he was Mel Brooks, but on the other hand? Lousy driver.

EPOXY NEW PTG S/N ED #1 $3.95

FAIRY TALES OF OSCAR WILDE VOL 1 S&N LTD ED (O/A) $45.00

Speaking of hot midget guy-guy… See, that title’s just in poor taste. Hell, me even talking about Oscar Wilde’s in poor taste. This isn’t exactly the IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST here…

Algernon:. I really don’t see anything romantic in proposing or CrossGen comics. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I’ll certainly try to forget the fact. Oh, I’ll also try to forget that time I read a CrossGen Comic because Jesus, couldn’t I just pay those motherfuckers to come to my house with a bottle of chloroform to knock me unconsciouss and beat the shit out of me, just cut out the fucky smelly ass comic retailer middleman. BOOYAKA!

Jack: My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself.

Algernon: Fuck you and your aunt. The fuck are you talking about?

Hmm, maybe next week if I recreated all the great Oscar Wilde plays through the magic of mime… it’d be the best Title Bout ever… hmmmm….

FIRST #30 $2.95

FOOTMAN 15 FAIRY FIRE ONE SHOT -- MATCH TO (MR) $2.95

Thank god for Hawkgirl and Spidergirl because this week, the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name is out in force. The timing’s strange. The more warlike we get, the more comic fans need homoerotic excitement?

Speaking of insane theories, there was this lady who Marvel invited to write an essay for their stupid 411 comic. They invited Helen Caldecott, an anti-nukes activist of some 25 years, to write an essay for that comic; only now they won’t publish what she wrote. And everyone was lined up to start yelling and attacking Marvel, except… here is a chunk from her essay… MEN: NATURAL BORN KILLERS!!!!!

“It was then that I realized that when the scent of blood metaphorically enters the male nostril, it triggers the psychological imperative to kill -- a primitive autonomic reflex located in the male midbrain. "

And also… “I mean how dare, HOW DARE these men think they can do this. WHO DO THEY FLAMING WELL THINK THEY ARE? They are truly pathological and they should all be removed, as I have said, for the public health of the people of the planet.”

And also… “I’m not just joking --this isn’t funny. I am deadly serious.”

When, oh when, will Marvel try to target the lucrative crazy bitch market? WHEN WILL THOSE MEN LEARN? DAMN THE MEN!!!! DAMN THEIR PENIS-EVIL! THE GUN IS GOOD AND THE PENIS IS BAD DID WE LEARN NOTHING FROM ZARDOZ???

The right wing’s response is an essay from one conservative gentleman entitled “Dr. Helen Caldecott Spits on My Grandfather “ so … this is the mud wrestling match of my dreams. Come on, FOXNEWS. This is the shit those people used to live for… This lady with her “it’s time we smacked their bottoms” dirty talk (exact quote), and this right wing dude, and its grandpa too -- it would have been ON.

How much this war has cost us… how much…

FUTURAMA COMICS #12 $2.50
GOON #4 $2.95
GUNDAM WING BLIND TARGET TP 2ND ED $9.95
HAPPY #1 (O/A) (MR) $3.50
HAPPY #2 ELEPHANT BUNNY & CHICKEN (O/A) (MR) $3.50
HSU AND CHAN #2 $2.95
HYDROPHIDIAN GN (STAR06887) (A) $10.95
JAMES KOCHALKAS SKETCHBOOK DIARIES VOL 3 $7.95
JUNGLE BOOK (STAR07956) $16.95

KAMEELMAN #2 $2.99

See, that’s how you do a swear word, you Pansy Marines. Comics -- showing the way. The way to racism.

LATEX ALICE #0 $2.95

Kiss my grits, or else mistress will hurt you? Uhhhh…

LETS STAY TOGETHER FOREVER GN $15.95

Uhhhhhh….

LITTLE WHITE MOUSE OPEN SPACE #3 (Of 4) $2.95

LOVE & ROCKETS VOL 2 #7 (MR) $3.95
LUMENAGERIE GN (STAR03230) (A) $11.95
MARA SUMMER COUNTRY GN (A) $12.95
MARVEL X-MEN COLLECTION JIM LEE T/C ART SET $9.95
MODESTY BLAISE LADY IN THE DARK TP $19.95
NANTUCKET BROWN ROASTERS #2 (Of 2) $2.00
NIMROD #7 $3.95
PS238 #1 $2.99

QUEEN & COUNTRY #15 (MR) $2.95

Jason Alexander’s doing some really wonderful work on this comic. The book’s been blessed with great artist after great artist, all complimenting Greg Rucka’s domination of spy comics. Just fucking DOMINATING spy comics. Do you want to read other spy comics? I don’t know that I do. What wouldn’t compare badly to this book? And the new arc has all this dirty shit in French since it takes place in France. I don’t speak French, but I know my dirty words and there was a chunk of this comic that was pretty filthy, if I understood it right. What’s not to like here?

RAIJIN COMICS #17 (MR) $4.95
RAZOR TORTURE PREQUEL (MR) $4.95

ROAD TO AMERICA TP (O/A) (MR) $14.95

This is by Baru whose L’AUTOROUTE DE SOLEIL I was talking about recently in a TRANSLATE THIS COMIC thingy. It’s a story about a boxer in Algeria in the 1950’s. The appeal for me is the art, colored in watercolors, which somehow combines a flowing expressiveness with precisely realized and detailed environments (look how he draws leaves! Plants, trees, leaves -- lot of nice fauna in this comic). I wish the comic were a little longer -- it skimmed over bits, left some bits to narration, and the story was a teensy bit on the shallow side as a result, but.. basically I just want L’AUTOROUTE translated, so I want you to get this. I want there to be this big demand for L’AUTOROUTE… Likely? Probably not…

RPM COMICS #2 $4.00
SANDSCAPE #3 $2.95
SHI PANDORAS BOX HALEY CVR #1 $3.50
SHI PANDORAS BOX RYP CVR #1 $3.50
SHI PANDORAS BOX TUCCI CVR #1 $3.50

SHONEN JUMP VOL 1 #5 MAY 2003 $4.95

Oh good… I really like the pirate thing in this. ONE PIECE? I like how the guy draws. I read a few mainstream books still, but I’d drop all of those before I dropped this. I don’t know what it is -- the variety in styles isn’t too profound, and some of the chunks do nothing for me. Any way you cut it, though, $5 for THAT many different comics -- the value is too profound.

I wish they’d come out faster or do something to get SANDLAND out of the book quicker and get something new rotated in. I’m not sure how eager I am to read some of these strips for the next few YEARS. I don’t think some of these come out monthly in Japan, so the thought that they’ll crawl out over decades here -- I don’t want to be reading YU YU HAKUSHO years from now…

But for right now, this is such an easy read -- I just tear through this. Nice week, this week.

SKINWALKER VOL 1 TP $11.95
SPELLS CAULDRON OF CHILLS #2 $3.50
SPIDER GARDEN GN (STAR03183) (A) $12.95
SPRINGBALL #2 $2.95
STRANGERS IN PARADISE VOL III #57 $2.95
THIEVES & KINGS #41 $2.95
TRANCEPTOR GN (O/A) (A) $11.95
TRANSFORMERS ARMADA VOL 1 TP $13.95
ULTIMATE X-MEN SGN #25 $19.99
UROTSUKIDOJI LEGEND OF THE OVERFIEND BOOK 4 (A) $16.95
WALT DISNEYS FANTASIA (O/A) PI
WHEN IM OLD COLL STORIES OF GABRIELLE BELL TP (MR) $12.95
ZOIDS #14 CHAOTIC CENTURY $5.95

CONCLUSION

If only I could figure out how to destroy watermelons through the Internet, like Gallagher meets the LAWNMOWER MAN… it’d be the worst Title Bout ever.

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