By A.K.
April 23, 2003
Hello. Welcome to my comic book column.
Another week, another column -- world just keeps on turning. One day, Old Dirty Bastard is changing his name to Big Baby Jesus. The next, he's changing his name to Dirt McGirt. Fall becomes winter, winter becomes spring, one week Fox is tricking girls into dating an impoverished moron, the next week Fox has some stuck-up girl surrounded by horny, horny Mexican wrestlers... one week, tattoos are big, the next it's all about the anal bleaching. World all just blurs together sometimes.
Think about the really OLD comic fans, the old-timers. They've been through week after week after week of these lists. What can they POSSIBLY remember of all that? What a horrible blur it all must be for them... This is why Superman should have his anus bleached. Wake those geezers up -- give them something to anchor them to the now. They've seen Superman punch Lex Luthor so many times, it’s all become a gray, impenetrable haze for them. They're adrift. But seeing Superman bleach his ass hairs -- it'd HEAL them, I think... would the artist draw the ass-hair into the s-curve like his head-hair? How would that work exactly? I'm not sure. If only Curt Swan were still with us...
Slow week? Slow week.
My favorite thing in comedy right now, The Hilton Sisters’ blog, hasn't been updated in the last eight days, so life's turned into a dreary waiting game for THE REAL CANCUN to come out... Comics news is slow. There's the Marvel-Sony lawsuit details, the Harvey nominees (there's not even a SHOW for the awards because they couldn't find a KEYNOTE SPEAKER!!!)...
The most interesting story to me lately was this story
about book sales, sales of literary fiction. Finding out the numbers of books sold is notoriously difficult; this article notes why: "because they're so unbelievably low." The example the author gives:"When told, for example, that last year’s hit novel, Jonathan Safran Foer’s EVERYTHING IS ILLUMINATED, sold about 100,000 copies in hardcover, one editor of a huge-circulation monthly gasped and said, 'If I only sold 100,000 magazines, I’d get fired.'"
Foer's EVERYTHING IS ILLUMINATED -- there were stories about the guy EVERYWHERE. Entertainment Weekly gave him a page or two in their year-end issue. ROLLING STONE, TIME, NEWSWEEK, etc. If you read books, and you pay attention to that world, you should have heard of this book at some point. And ... that lead to 100,000 people buying his book.
100,000 people buy a Mark Millar comic MONTHLY. And not from one of the zillion bookstores in this country, but by going to some out-of-the-way girl-hating dungeon to buy it in a brown paper bag. And that's with zero promotion to the outside world.
And manga outsells him -- SHONEN JUMP does anyway, I believe.
This story -- it's obviously not the most meaningful numbers, you can read it however you want or not at all, but it’s curious, at least. Raised an eyebrow.
Only 100,000 people bought that book, and I swear there's a Foer backlash anyway. I can't read an article about books, or a book review lately, without the wannabe-novelist book reviewer going out of the way to bash the guy. I haven't read his book, but its always fascinating watching that "we love you we love you we love you except you SUCK" thing the reviewing world does, especially for books. The literary world -- it basically just seems like some elaborate mating competition that takes place over the course of two or three square blocks of Brooklyn. There's some girl in horn-rimmed glasses that James Frey is showing his peacock feathers to as we "speak"... and yet they're still the most self-important people on the planet...
Comics, at least, who thinks they're important? Besides John Byrne, I mean. Let's take him off the table. Besides Byrne, who thinks they're important in COMICS? How -- how CAN they think they're important? Granted, if they ever run into Jonathan Safrer Froer, the guy who writes X-MEN can legitimately "illuminate" Froer's literary ass with their foot now (TAKE THAT, CULTURE!!!), but...
Who do you think would win in a fight? John Byrne or George Plimpton? On the one hand, Plimpton's managed to keep the PARIS REVIEW alive for 50 years now (the same number of years as Playboy). That and Plimpton's a boxing fan. Still, Plimpton's gotten pretty old, so I'm going to have to go with the Home Team, and say John Byrne could kick George Plimpton's ass. Hmm, then again, Byrne inks all his own stuff, right? That must mean he doesn't move around much for large chunks of the day. Hmmm, well, he could get exercise on the side, who knows? I'm going to stick with Byrne.
Do you think that while John Byrne was kicking his ass, Plimpton, being an older guy, would moan something like "Two days til retirement?" Me neither -- I've seen the guy in person at the LA Book Fair, and Plimpton doesn't give off the vibe of a big Danny Glover LETHAL WEAPON fan. Maybe that's just my prejudice... Do you think John Byrne could do a better job of beating up George Plimpton if Terry Austin helped him? Dude, I think I just wrote a zen koan... bitchin'...
Do you even know who George Plimpton is? No? George Plimpton was this giant wrestler in the 80s who used to hang out with Captain Lou Albano... wait, wait, no, I'm thinking of Andre the Giant...
Slow news week? Slow news week.
DIAMOND COMICS SAYS
Every Monday, we provide a list of products shipping for
the current week, as well as those products expected to
ship the following week!
Shipping This Week: April 23
The following products are expected to ship to comic book
specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative
and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for availability.
It seems like a short list this week. What -- because of Easter? Did anyone give up Nerd-ing for Lent? You think God'd be impressed if you stopped buying comics for Lent? Depends on what comics you read, I suppose.
PREMIER PUBLISHERS
PREVIEWS PUBLICATIONS
GAME TRADE MAGAZINE #39 $1.99
PREVIEWS ADULT VOL XIII #5 PI
PREVIEWS VOL XIII #5 PI
PREVIEWS VOL XIII CONSUMER ORDER FORM #5 PI
Buying this. This is sooooooo good. Every month I think to myself that I know where the plot's going, but there's always plenty of twists and turns. Diamond has a gift for dialogue and characterization that's on display here, but it’s more the skill of the artist in bringing it to life. It’s more like a one-hour HBO television drama than a consumer order form. Its magic-tastic!
PRIMO FLYER VOL XIII #5 PI
DARK HORSE
HELLBOY WEIRD TALES #2 $2.99
Were the stories in the first issue that weird? That’s the sadness of comic titles. TWO-FISTED TALES are usually only half-fisted. TALES OF MYSTERY are rarely mysterious. HELLBOY'S WEIRD TALES? Its not like Hellboy inexplicably bit the head off a rat, then had sex with Zsa Zsa Gabor's grandma in the year 3000 while battling S&M robots. The stories were nice, yes, but weird? Not so weird. Titles always promise so much more...
JOSS WHEDONS FRAY #7 (Of 8) (RES) $2.99
SPYBOY 13.1 THE MANGA AFFAIR #1 (Of 3) $2.99
Spyboy has a tawdry affair with a giant robot. I just like the word "tawdry." Tawdry is like “dirty” with a soupcon of “filthy.”
DC COMICS
AMERICAN CENTURY #23 (RES) (MR) $2.75
BATGIRL #39 $2.50
BIRDS OF PREY #54 $2.50
CARTOON CARTOONS #17 $2.25>
Man, these CARTOON CARTOONS sure are tawdry. Are they? No. But doesn't that sound so much more appealing? It sounds like the CARTOON CARTOONS are in garters somehow. Like COW & CHICKEN are doing something filthy to raise money for their heroin habit.
FOREVER MAELSTROM #6 (Of 6) $2.95
GLOBAL FREQUENCY #7 (Of 12) $2.95
I don't read this, but the last issue (by Dave Lloyd, who's just great) was apparently about LE PARKOUR? Le Parkour is this French pseudo-sport. You might remember those Nike ads a few months back with the gymnastic guy getting chased by a chicken? That was Le Parkour-inspired, I THINK.
Basically, its just these French guys who run around looking for shit to jump off of, or to do tricks on -- like skateboarding without the skateboards. They call it the art of movement. I call it "Fucked-Up French Dudes Jumping Around." Worth a look.
GREEN ARROW #24 $2.50
JUSTICE LEAGUE ANIMATED WONDER WOMAN WALL PLAQUE $39.95
You never see tacky shit in haunted house movies. I've seen the SHINING a few times; scares me every single time (the Kubrick version, not the Wings version). But come on, there's no ANIMATED WONDER WOMAN WALL PLAQUES at the Overlook Hotel. The little kid never scrawls RedRum across Wonder Woman's wonderbreasts. Would that not be scary? "Wonder Woman's trying to warn me that Jack Nicholson wants to kill me!"
Do you get my point here, Potential Wonder Woman Wall Plaque Customer: Even dead people don't want to hang out with you. They're dead. They're not going anywhere. They don't have anything better to do. And yet -- they look at you and your Wonder Woman Wall Plaque and they just can't hang.
"All work and no play makes Jack a dull bo -- what's that shit on your walls? What kind of fucking loser are you?"
JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA ARCHIVES VOL 8 HC $49.95
LUCIFER #37 (MR) $2.50
MUCHA LUCHA #1 (Of 3) $2.25
This is based on some Saturday morning cartoon about a Hispanic family or something Hispanic. Bringing us one step closer to my dream of SABADO GIGANTE: THE COMIC.
ORBITER HC (MR) $24.95
OUT THERE #17 $2.95
SUPERMAN #192 $2.25
SWEATSHOP #1 $2.95
Buying this. This is by Peter Bagge of HATE fame. For my money, HATE is probably the second best comedy in comic books (after Kyle Baker's WHY I HATE SATURN)(maybe I'm forgetting something)(and not counting comic strips)...
Its just that it's one of the only heirs in comics to the Brooks schools of comedy -- Albert Brooks or James Brooks, where the characters are sometimes tremendously unsympathetic (see: MODERN ROMANCE for the most horrifying example, probably -- Albert Brooks in that movie is completely UNBEARABLE)... and that's the driving force of the humor moreso than "gags" (I put Gary Shandling and CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM-era Larry David in the same category, I suppose). Sort of a less laugh-oriented humor which is sort of bizarre, but... The overwhelming majority of comic book comedy is gags, comic strip humor, much less sophisticated, ultimately tiresome unless your name is Evan Dorkin... HATE's certainly no LOST IN AMERICA or BROADCAST NEWS, nowhere near, (granted, I still haven't read all of HATE; think I still have a volume to go), but HATE to me is about as close as its gotten so far to that level of sophistication... (which isn't to say that's somehow "better" comedy which is a mistake I think people make)(I'm sorry if this is unclear, but it’s like talking about music, isn't it)...
I'm a little worried: Bagge's work after HATE -- there was a pretty awful girl-band thing he did with Gilbert Hernandez (I think)... and now this -- there's a high-concept quality to it, which is sort of a turn-off. What I've heard of this series so far has me a bit worried that he's playing away from the things I like about Bagge, but ... and apparently, there's more than one story in the issue, which I'm not terribly a fan of...
Those worries aside, Peter Bagge has a track record so this should be worth at least a look.
TOM STRONG #20 $2.95
WONDER WOMAN #191 $2.25
Y THE LAST MAN #10 (MR) $2.95
IMAGE
AGENTS #1 (Of 6) $2.95
BATTLE OF THE PLANETS BATTLE BOOK $4.99
One of the Planets likes the butter on the bottom of the toast, and one of the Planets likes the butter on the top of the toast, so what happens is -- wait, no, that's a Dr. Seuss book I'm thinking of. That's good. Buy that. Don't buy this -- buy the Dr. Seuss book.
... I don't even want to know what a Battle Book is... I would not buy it in a hood, I would not buy it if I could, I would not buy it in a schnozzle, I would not buy it in a hozzle… no, I would not buy it, Sam I am… I would not buy it for a … yam? Fuck, how did Seuss do it all those years…
FIREBREATHER #4 (Of 4) $2.95
HAWAIIAN DICK #3 (Of 3) $2.95
Buying this. This is good -- it’s a detective comic set in 1950s Hawaii. The creative team here is definitely a pair I'm looking forward to more work from in the future. I get so worried picking up detective comics -- I get worried that they'll be talk-fests with no visuals or relying on gumshoe cliches. This comic came as a bit of a relief in avoiding any mistakes. The creators just seem dedicated enough to what they're doing and the world they're creating for the material to feel fresh. A good, solid debut. (On a COMPLETELY unrelated note: I really liked that last issue of THREE DAYS IN EUROPE -- man, I feel like I was completely wrong on that series -- that series started pretty badly so I was always wishy-washy in praising it, but it really has clicked together quite nicely in its later issues).
SAVAGE DRAGON VOL 8 TERMINATED HC $28.95
SAVAGE DRAGON VOL 8 TERMINATED LTD ED SGN HC $54.95
STRANGERS GARCIA CVR #2 $2.95
STRANGERS ROUX CVR #2 $2.95
TOMB RAIDER #29 $2.99
TOMB RAIDER JOURNEYS #12 (Of 12) $2.99
I saw the trailer for the sequel recently. Worse, the audience clapped. And it was the audience for BETTER LUCK TOMMOROW, this semi-disappointing Scorsese-light movie about Asian kids (apparently, Orange County Asian kids are just like Goodfellas!) that's presumably an indie film (might've been an MTV FILMS audience, though). My review of the original film was "worst movie I ever saw ever and I saw SPECIES 2 so I've seen horribly bad movies"... so the thought of there being a #2 in the world -- it just stirs mute horror, really. I'd have to think "mute horror" about encompasses it.
WHIZ KIDS #1 $4.95
Was that the name of the game show from MAGNOLIA? Is this comic about genius kids who start ranting after urinating on themselves?
MARVEL
AGENT X #10 (Note Price) $2.99
This is written by Evan Dorkin?
The former writer of this series, Gail Simone, is doing a return engagement to her humor column at CBR, You'll All Be Sorry. I liked the Mark Waid installment of her first return column. I usually try to avoid other comic humor columns so any repeat is by accident, but this was worth a look…
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #52 $2.25
AVENGERS #66 $2.25
CAPTAIN MARVEL VOL 1 NOTHING TO LOSE TP $12.99
Hmmm, yeah, but nothing to GAIN either, so I'll hang onto the 13 bones, I think.
DAREDEVIL #46 $2.99
The new arc is called HARDCORE? Daredevil has to descend into the porn underworld to rescue George C. Scott's daughter???
ELEKTRA #22 (RES) $2.99
FANTASTIC FOUR #68 $2.25
FANTASTIC FOUR VOL 1 IMAGINAUTS TP $17.99
INCREDIBLE HULK #53 $2.25
MARVILLE VOL 1 TP $12.99
MYSTIQUE #1 $2.99
I'm looking at the preview art that's online for this comic... this is the one most people had pegged as the "quality" Tsunami book, on account of writer Brian Vaughn's work on Y THE LAST MAN. But the preview art to this comic – it’s some blonde girl with fake breasts wearing what looks like a bed-sheet running around, trying to keep the bed sheet covering her special parts. It’s not that the artist is BAD -- he draws the establishing shots quite well. You really have a good sense of WHERE the half-naked bed-sheet clad woman is running around, which is nice, but...
And the solicitation copy: "And to get want she wants, she's not afraid to do WHATEVER's necessary."... That's just code-talk for whoring, right? It sounds like they're promising whoring. It's not George C. Scott's daughter again, is it, because I've had it up to HERE with the constant descents into the porn underworld in the Marvel Universe. I wonder if WHATEVER includes anal bleaching because -- well, no, Mystique's a shape-changer so she should be able to auto-bleach using her X-powers...
Older comic fans waiting patiently for anal bleaching in this comic will be sorely disappointed.
PUNISHER #25 $2.99
THOR #63 (Note Price) $2.99
UNCANNY X-MEN #422 (Note Price) $3.50
WEAPON X #8 (Note Price) $2.99
WOLVERINE XISLE #4 $2.50
X-MEN UNLIMITED #45 $2.50
X-STATIX #10 (Note Price) $2.99
X-TREME X-MEN #24 $2.99
When I was a kid, this was all ONE book. Two if you counted New Mutants, but no one did -- at least the creators didn't seem to. It was one book, and if you wanted to read X-Men comics, you just had to pick up that one book. I’ll never get over how much they exploded it. Just won’t ever get used to it.
WIZARD
WIZARD ANIME INSIDER DRAGONBALL GOKU CVR #7 $4.99
WIZARD ANIME INSIDER TRIGUN VASH CVR #7 $4.99
COMICS
A COLLEGE GIRL NAMED JOE #2 $5.95
Liberal college. What is this, that they charge 6 bucks to read about an apparently sexually-confused college "girl?" Let me see what Google can turn up: huh, well, apparently this is just about a girl at college named Joe. HUH. That's curious.
ARCHIE #535 $2.19
ATOMIC CITY TALES VOL 2 DOC PHANTOM TP $12.95
For me, this is Jay Stephens before he found himself. Fans of Mike Allred's MADMAN might like Atomic City, but I prefer Stephens when he's in kid mode -- the Space Ape stuff. This is Stephens's series about a bongo-playing superhero aimed towards an older hipster audience... It’s not my favorite Stephens era. People unaware of Stephens should seek out the LAND OF NOD books first. I like Stephens when he's making me think he's Hanna-Barbera's evil nephew; the ATOMIC CITY stuff is more Allred-y, only without Allred's strengths (e.g. Laura Allred)... and Stephens's art isn't as refined as it'd become in his later work... still, fans of oddball superhero comics like DOOM PATROL, I suppose, might want to give this a look...
AVENGLEYNE REVELATION BAG SET $15.95
BART SIMPSON COMICS #12 $2.50
BIG O VOL 2 TP (RES) (Note Price) $9.95
CEREBUS #288 $2.25
CHIMERA #3 (Of 4) $2.95
CROSSOVERS #4 $2.95
CRUX #25 $2.95
DANCE TILL TOMORROW VOL 6 TP (MR) $12.95
DARK FRINGE TP $9.95
DEATHMASK #1 $2.99
I glanced at MISTER PERSONALITY on FOX -- the reality show hosted by Monica Lewinsky. All the guys wear Mexican Wrestling masks to hide their looks from a potential lady-friend. It’s SANTO VERSUS THE BLOWJOB QUEEN, basically, which...
Man, the real Santo was a fascinating guy. He had eleven kids -- ten with wife #1 and the 11th with wife #2. He unmasked himself finally, and DIED A WEEK LATER, after which he was BURIED WITH HIS WRESTLING MASK.
Who do you think would win in a fight? Santo or George Plimpton? I'd have to go with George Plimpton since Santo's probably decomposed by now. But I'd have to think Santo's dead skeleton could still somehow kick George Plimpton's ass. Man, its just not George Plimpton's week, is it?
Anyway, I want to watch MISTER PERSONALITY out of some weird hope that this idiotic girl will be inflicted with some horribly ugly guy. But I'm not going to watch because I don't think that'll happen. I think the ugly people will be weaned away because they won't have had the opportunities to socialize that the good looking people have, so they'll be less skillful at faking charm. It’s just a guess, but I just can't bring myself to trust that show, even with the Monica Lewinsky seal of approval.
DEMON BEAST INVASION BOOK 2 (A) $16.95
DF BIRDS OF PREY BATGIRL CATWOMAN REMARKED #1 $69.99
DF BIRDS OF PREY BATGIRL CATWOMAN SGN #1 $19.99
DF SPIDER-MAN BLUE #1 PERFECT SIGNATURE SERIES $69.99
DF THUNDERCATS SGN #0 (O/A) $19.99
DF WONDER WOMAN REMARKED #189 $69.99
DOGWITCH #1-4 PACK (MR) $10.00
FRACTURED KISSES #1 $4.00
FRACTURED KISSES #2 $4.00
FREEMIND #5 $3.50
FUSHIGI YUGI VOL 8 FRIEND GN (Note Price) $9.95
HAPPY #3 ZIRKUS (MR) $3.50
HOUSE OF JAVA VOL 2 SC $9.95
JUGHEAD WITH ARCHIE DIGEST #183 $2.39
JUNGLE FANTASY STRIPPED NUDE CVR #1 (MR) $6.00
Aren't there mosquitoes in the jungle?
KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE #78 $3.99
KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE ILLUSTRATED #21 $2.99
LIKEWISE #2 (MR) $4.95
METALLIX #4 $3.50
MODERN MASTERS VOLUME 1 ALAN DAVIS TP $12.95
Alan Davis? I guess... MODERN MASTER of making Killraven? I like Alan Davis; who doesn't? But... Modern Master? Odd title.
MONSTER CLUB #3 $3.50
MONSTER CLUB 5 COMIC SET $15.00
NEMESIS THE WARLOCK HC GN DEATH TO ALL ALIENS (MR) $24.95
NVN ZERO $2.95
ODDBALLZ #7 $2.95
PALS N GALS DOUBLE DIGEST #75 $3.59
PATH VOL 2 TP BLOOD ON SNOW $15.95
RAIJIN COMICS #20 (MR) $4.95
RANMA 1/2 TP VOL 1 2ND ED $9.95
RANMA 1/2 TP VOL 2 2ND ED $9.95
RANMA 1/2 VOL 22 TP (PU#558) $9.95
ROUTE 666 #11 $2.95
SCARY GODMOTHER ACTIVITY BOOK #1 (O/A) $2.95
SCARY GODMOTHER WILD ABOUT HARRY PACK $8.85
SCION #35 $2.95
SHADES OF BLUE THE NEW SERIES #1 $2.95
SHI ILLUSTRATED WARRIOR #7 (OF 7) $2.99
SHI PANDORAS BOX #1 ROYAL BLUE ED $75.00
SHI PANDORAS BOX #1/2 PRISM FOIL CVR $12.95
SIMPSONS COMICS #81 $2.50
SOLUS #2 $2.95
THREE STRIKES #1 (Of 5) (MR) $2.99
This is an Oni comic critical of the Three Strikes sentencing policy recently upheld by the Supreme Court. My Con Law professor argued the losing side, so sort of a bummer they upheld that law. (I'm more surprised Girardi lost the Tommy Lee drowned-kid case, but apparently that case had some big challenges to it. That and as they teach you in law school, juries LOVE monster cock; can't get enough of it)... ANYWAY: it’s by the SKINWALKER team. I wasn't too excited by what I read of SKINWALKER, but this sounds like they're trying something more difficult... I'm more curious about this. SKINWALKER -- I wasn't too interested in the setting, so maybe that'll make a difference.
TRANSFORMERS GENERATION ONE VOL 2 CHROME CVR #1 (Of 6) $5.95
VERONICA #139 $2.19
ZEN #0 $2.95
CONCLUSION
Two quick apologies this week.
First, got some e-mail suggesting I was too harsh on Seth Fisher last week, which is absolutely true. I'm not sure, but The Eisner nominations may not have listed all the books he did last year, so I was probably wrong that he only did four or five books. There was that DOOM PATROL 2-parter. Moreover, who cares? I like Fisher; I think he's very talented, so I'm happy to see him nominated for an Eisner. He was a big component to why I enjoyed POP TOKYO, and ... yeah, I was just harsh for ABSOLUTELY no reason last week. Big apology there.
Secondly, we're NOT sure about this one bit, but the E-Mail the Author link MIGHT POSSIBLY have been broken for a little while. I'm not sure how long, or even if it was (not recently, like a couple months back), but if you ever e-mailed and I ignored you, or anything like that, it may have been because that link was broken.
Oh, and there was a bit of "hate mail" if you can call it that, a week or two back in our site's Mail Shoot, our first piece of hate mail. The guy (who was really quite nice about everything) liked the concept of a weekly look at these lists, but didn't like, well, me. That guy's recommended to check out PREVIEW REVIEWS, a more serious look at these lists more oriented towards highlighting lesser-hyped, but deserving books. I don't let myself read it until I'm done with these, but afterwards I usually check it out to find out about books I wouldn't want to miss, that sort of thing...
That concludes this week’s column. Thank you.
E-MAIL THE AUTHOR |
ARCHIVES
