Bob Eggleton's website is named THE FANTASTIC ART OF BOB EGGLETON. Which -- you know, and I know that he means Fantastic in that its FANTASY art. But I like that he called his website that anyway...

According to Bob Eggleton, there's an asteroid/mini-planet named Bob Eggleton. We could all be killed if Bob Eggleton hits the planet. Only cockroaches would survive. Bob Eggleton's the size of TEXAS!

BPRD THE SOUL OF VENICE ONE SHOT $2.99

An Italian soul comic? SHAFT WITH MEATBALLS sounds disturbing-- shut yo’ mouth! Just talkin’ about shaft. I hope this comic explains that whole “A-O-O-A” thing Tony Danza does because I never really followed what he was driving at there…

Buying this. This is by Miles Gunter (BASTARD SAMURAI) and Michael Avon Oeming (POWERS). Dark Horse is releasing HELLBOY comics by some good guest people while Mignola works on the movie -- I think Alex Maleev is doing one, as well. The WEIRD TALES anthology was wildly uneven, but the one-shots should be more full experiences, I figure...

BROM DARKWERKS JOURNAL $9.99

Brom? Isn't that Crom's illegitimate kid? Crom slept with the maid? Another fantasy art painter...

BTVS WILLOW & TARA TP $9.95

Show's okay, so far. I'm not sure it's what I wanted, so much... A lot of waiting to die scenes this year. I haven't been into the show all year. Too much special effects.

DEVILS FOOTPRINTS #3 (Of 4) $2.99
GHOST IN THE SHELL 2 MAN MACHINE INTERFACE #4 (MR) $3.50

HELLBOY JOURNAL $9.99
JUDGE DREDD VS ALIENS INCUBUS #3 (Of 4) $2.99
KRAZY KAT JOURNAL $9.99

LONE WOLF 2100 #8 $2.99

If you're going to put something in the future, why only go 90-some years? I mean, sure, it's the future, and I'm sure it'll be terrifyingly different. But still -- why not 2200? Shoot the moon. Who's going to call you on it?

Do you think they had a meeting on what year to pick? DO you think they put a bunch of different years in a hat -- let's say a tophat, let's say they're sophisticated -- Do you think they put a bunch of different years in a tophat to choose what year? And do you think they bought Baltic Avenue afterwards, or drive around in a Shoe? Wait, no, I'm getting Dark Horse confused with Parker Bros.'s Monopoly again.

MAAKIES STICKER #1 DRINKY CROW $1.99
MAAKIES STICKER #2 BOAT $1.99
MAAKIES STICKER #3 MY POOR WORLD $1.99
MAAKIES STICKER #4 MAAKIES LOGO $1.99
MAAKIES STICKER PACK $6.99

RIPLEYS BELIEVE IT OR NOT TP $9.95

Yeah, well, they should call it -- they should call it Ripleys Don't Care And NOT Going to Buy It. HAHAHAHAH -- YES! TAKE THAT, YOU FUCKERS. TAKE COMIC BOOK COLUMN FURY!!!! I feel satisfied now. I really think I've accomplished something here this week.

STAR WARS EMPIRE #8 DARKLIGHTER (PART 1 OF 4) $2.99

Aah, moving slowly -- so, that's a wrap on the Buffy show. UPN just turned into a reality show about models, where they show young girls who want to be models, and tracks their progress. I wonder when they start doing coke and sleeping with that guy from the Strokes. That episode should be great...

See: I like endings. That's why I really don't like most comics much -- there's no endings. Neverending soap operas just seem silly. At least in regular soap operas, characters get old. Also: more eyepatches. Comics -- there's only one or two eyepatches. Nick Fury... Wolverine had one for a while, even though I think his eye was okay (?)... but soap operas -- I'm pretty sure, like, half those guys are sporting the eyepatch look. Maybe that's how you tell people apart from their evil twins? I'm not sure.

Soap operas were a creation of the Procter & Gamble corporation, makers of Ivory soap, among other things, in order to sell soap. Interesting fact about Procter & Gamble: not Satanists. See: they've been haunted by a persistent rumor that they're satanists because they have the EVILEST looking corporate logo you've ever seen in your life. One website calls it the TRADEMARK OF THE BEAST. So if you go to the P&G website, they have a PAGE on it letting you know: they do not worship Satan. And they sue and sue hard anyone who says otherwise.

Don't you wish every major corporation would do that? Just deny crazy outlandish shit. "Image Comics denies that its executives keep hitchhikers locked in its basements. Erik Larsen never clubbed Bozo the Clown to death with one of Drew Barrymore's fetuses. It's all lies! LIES!"

24 -- the First Lady just carjacked a guy. Oh, 24... ridiculous, ridiculous 24. I'm waiting for the President to rip off his flesh, revealing his lizard skin and eating rats with Diana on the Mothership... BEWARE THE RED DUST, PRESIDENT PALMER...

The comics I'm stealing are about 15% downloaded; meanwhile, the rest of my computer's been SLAMMED. Everything's gotten terribly slow. So: stealing comics kind of sucks, so far. I can barely get anything done. What a nightmare just to see Spiderman punch somebody...

DC COMICS

Oh, thank god. The original title was ARKHAM ASYLUM: ROTTING MAGGOTS ERUPTING FROM A HOMUNCULUS'S GANGRENE-INFECTED PENIS. I'm glad they found something more palatable, more commercial...

God, where do I sign up for LIVING HELL? What's not to love about that title?

BATGIRL #40 $2.50
BATMAN ADVENTURES #2 $2.25
BATMAN GOTHAM KNIGHTS #41 $2.75

BEWARE THE CREEPER #2 (Of 5) (MR) $2.95

I like how this title offers practical advice. Most comic book titles don't really help us out much. If you were to walk up to someone on the street and say "BIRDS OF PREY," they'd think you were a loon. But if you walk up to someone and say "BEWARE THE CREEPER" -- try it. I don't think they'll thank you, no, but ... they might wonder who the fuck the CREEPER is, or if they really have to beware him/her or not. They'll be more on the guard, and hence: safer. Orange alert, red alert, yellow alert -- why not CREEPER Alert, Tom Ridge, you gangrene-infected homonculus?

Hahaha -- isn't the news making you happy? More terrorist attacks and no weapons of mass destruction! Well done, foreign policy geniuses! I heard an analyst on the radio today use the phrase "hornet's nest." Dude -- I don't even know what the fuck a hornet LOOKS like. I kinda vaguely remember the Brown Hornet, from FAT ALBERT, but ... the memories are vague. Am I supposed to be on the lookout for the Brown Hornet now, too? what about Mushmouth -- maybe he was passing code to the enemy in some sort of crazy Mushmouth Encyrption Secret System... MESS, if you will.

Speaking of wandering up to strangers, my favorite website (um, besides this one) right now, the Gawker, had a story the other day from one of its readers which I really loved about Bill Murray (FUNNY MOVIES): “A friend (claims he) was walking through the Union Square station when Bill Murray walked up to him, gave him a noogie and then whispered into his ear: ‘no one will ever believe you.’”

BIRDS OF PREY #55 $2.50
GREEN ARROW #26 $2.50
LUCIFER #38 (MR) $2.50

POWERPUFF GIRLS #38 $2.25

So, in "I'm a Giant Pussy" news -- let's talk about something I don't see much talk about in the comic book columns. Let's talk about heterosexual male vanity because I came down with a case of it today, or almost did, or something.

And I think its ripe ground for discussion in a comic book column -- I mean, look at how everyone draws muscles. Sure, Batman seems interesting in... some comic, theoretically. (It’s hard to even pretend Batman seems interesting in any of the comics DC publishes, even for ARGUMENT'S sake, dammit... DC's shittiness is throwing off my whole train of thought. Descartes put it best when he said COGITO ERGO ... BATMAN PRETENDING TO KILL THE JOKER -- PEOPLE ARE BUYING THAT SHIT, ARE THEY FUCKING STUPID ... GODDAMMIT, WHAT WAS I JUST SAYING? COGITO? COGITO... WAS THAT THE ROBOT IN FORBIDDEN PLANET?

Ahem: Sure Batman seems like an interesting guy in comic books (fingers crossed), but that's just because they play him as the strong, silent Gary Cooper type. All those muscles on that guy, you k now if Batman were ever to open up, let's say to Oprah, that he'd mostly talk about how he's on some no-carb diet and what protein supplement he's taking to get such awesome abs.

Goddamn, don't you wish DC would do exercise videos? I would fucking kill to own a copy of ABS OF BAT. It'd be like Jane Fonda, except Jane Fonda in a Yvonne Craig Batgirl outfit, you know? Wait, this is actually starting to sound like a good idea. I mean, obviously, Jane Fonda's old now, and wrinkly, but ... let's say we got Jane Fonda circa BARBARELLA doing an exercise video with Yvonne Craig. And possibly a pizza delivery boy -- I don't have all the details worked out, but ... Still, exercise videos with guys dressed up as superheroes -- who can you trust if not the FLASH?

Isn't it sad to see Eddie Murphy in those billboards with a kid in a FLASH costume? Eddie was the biggest star in the WORLD some ten years ago. The single biggest star, hands down. Now he's acting opposite the FLASH...

What the fuck was I talking about? Descartes? Yeah, one time I saw Descartes take a baseball to the groin -- it was the funniest shit EVER. Wait, no, I'm thinking of AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.

Do you think Oprah could get Batman to cry? Hmm, I don't think Batman wants to be spiritually awakened, or to let her love light shine, or whatever Oprah's slinging these days. He'd probably hate her for being fat. Barbara Walters? That's a tougher question. You know, I'm going to say yes. Batman's got the dead parents thing, he's got the STARRING IN SHITTY COMIC BOOKS thing -- I think Barbara Walters could get Batman to cry on a taped interview.

Who do you think would start crying on Barbara Walters first -- Hulk or Thor? I think THOR because I'm not sure HULK can even cry without turning into Banner at which point he’s NOT THE HULK ANYMORE. FUCK YOU, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. You didn't think I had an answer, but I have one and its perfect and complete and untainted by you and your filthy whore compromises. DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

What the fuck was I talking about?

PROMETHEA BOOK THREE TP $14.95
ROBIN #114 $2.25
ROBOTECH THE MACROSS SAGA VOL 2 TP $14.95

SLEEPER #5 (MR) $2.95

Well, they got the sleep part right. YEAAAAAH. Take that, well-meaning comic book creators trying to put out a challenging comic book in a horrible market! I GOT YOU!!!

But now, what, do I like what's obviously the greatest SLEEPER slam in all of existence more than I like the DEFINITIVE RIPLEYS BELIEVE IT OR NOT slam in all of existence, hereinabove? Which is my favorite? Can I love them both equally or would that just be cheating one or the other? Am I being unfaithful to RIPLEYS BELIEVE IT OR NOT slam? I never made any promises. You look -- I never made any promises.

See, men were originally the HUNTERS of the hunter-gathering society, so we're biologically trained to HUNT things -- a genetic memory of those days rests dormant in our mitochondrial DNA's, which I think comes from the mother's side of the family. So if I remember the cartoon from JURASSIC PARK correctly, I'm pretty sure that if we just had a drop of blood from a mosquito preserved in amber, we could make a dinosaur who's brain is so small that it wouldn't have grown tired of this paragraph yet, and it wouldn't sit there expecting this to tie back into RIPLEYS BELIEVE IT OR NOT or SLEEPER in any clever or unexpected or "funny" way. On the other hand, it'd probably eat us.

SMALLVILLE #2 $3.50
SUPERMAN CYBORG ACTION FIGURE PI

SUPERMAN DOOMSDAY ACTION FIGURE PI

"Superman's corpse not included"....

Doomsday was just this lame character they made up to kill Superman for a couple months, as a publicity stunt in the bad old days. How much fun is a DOOMSDAY action figure if you don't have an action figure of Superman's corpse? I don't think it'd be any fun at all. I mean, sure, you could pose Superman in a prone position beneath DOOMSDAY, but unless that's one massively articulated Superman action figure, it's going to have its eyes open, and he'll be all ... not-dead looking. So -- what's the point of that shit?

SUPERMAN METROPOLIS #4 (Of 12) $2.95
SUPERMAN SUPERGIRL ACTION FIGURE PI
THUNDERCATS THE RETURN #4 (Of 5) $2.95

TRANSMETROPOLITAN VOL 8 DIRGE TP (MR) $14.95

Goddamn, I love FOX News. The last story was about a sexual predator, so FOX News just went up to him with a camera and asked him "Are you attacking girls?" He just shakes his head no, and walks off. Then, there's a story about a guy going to jail for sucking young boy's toes. Which -- there are worse things he could've sucked, if you want to look on the bright side. And now they're talking about a substitute teacher who taped kid's mouths shut. Oh, FOXNews... you make a disintegrating society so much fun...

Headphone Lice! Headphone lice! There's no dramatic music. I was hoping they'd play the JAWS theme. Of course, the manager of Tower Records is bald! WHAT IS HE NOT TELLING US? Wow, I thought they'd keep the story about Headphone Lice until the end, to keep people on the hook -- they just went for it. Ballsy... The FOX News blonde bimbo who's in charge of Headphone Lice stories recommends putting KLEENEX on the headphones. If you ever saw anyone with a kleenex on their head in a TOWER RECORDS, you would tell everyone you ever knew about it. You'd take pictures, or wish you had a camera. Kleenex?

Now, the Headphone Lice story is over and I have nothing keeping me going...

Transmet: Haha -- you sure saw me shut up about Transmet as soon as current events went the way they went, didn't you? How full of shit am I anyway? If only we had a graduated cylinder. To measure, I mean... not to insert. Some of you are thinking "insert," and that's certainly a valid choice on your part, but... (Though I never had a problem with the politics, so much as the drama, so I recant nothing; regardless...)

WONDER WOMAN #192 $2.25
Y THE LAST MAN #11 (MR) $2.95

IMAGE

INVINCIBLE #4 $2.95
LEGACY #1 $2.95

You would think the one word titles would be more compelling to us in the current zeitgest, somehow. Consider all those "Hip" rock bands with the one word super-obvious titles: the Walkmen (I like "We've Been Had"), the Rapture, Interpol, the Strokes, the Vines, the Hives, the Sounds, the Music, Liars, the Roots, the Kills, the Ataris, whoever... a lot of bands -- good bands or bad -- have very simple, almost stupid names lately.

Comics doesn't really have that energy to them. INVINCIBLE doesn't sound cool to me, or LEGACY. But you hand that title to some future-heroin junkie from Manhattan who's somehow linked to DFA and is trying to sound like old Cure songs, and suddenly they're hip and Village Voice is pretending that they're already over because I know about them. So you explain it...

There's no "New York scene" to comic books, is there? There are regional scenes, to some extent -- San Francisco has certain alternative creators, etc., but there's no "HOT" comic book creating city, is there? There's no MASTER P of comics, talking about how crunchy and Southern-friend comics from Atlanta are.

Master P reminds me: there's an interview with Jhonen Vasquez up at this sort-of picture-of-girls website -- a lot of interesting stuff about what making INVADER ZIM for Nickelodeon was like. (Nickelodeon has notoriously bad deals, which he doesn't talk about, but ... not a friendly place for artists, at all, is what I've always read and which Vasquez talks about).

It’s a great interview, actually. Here's a chunk I really enjoyed where he talks about his ambivalence about having a mass audience:

“When I first started, I loved doing comics and the response I got from a comic reading audience. As fucked up and as sad as some of these people might have been they were still into something. They had a focus on what they were into. They liked comics and they went to comic book shop to get their fix. It was just a part of their life. It wasn't always easy, especially with my books since a lot of stores didn't carry it, or would only order just a few of each issue. There was something literate about these loonies.

“Now there are stores in the mall. Not so much comic shops but clothing stores and places where you can get your Goth outfit. [...] Next to the hair dye and nail polish there are my comics. That’s cool for a lot of people who don't have easy access to comic shops, or whose comic shops simply suck ass, but it introduces my stuff to a whole new population of people who make me sad to be human.

” I never got around to reading JOHNNY; I liked his book SQUEE a lot, I remember not being terribly happy with I AM SICK; and his INVADER ZIM show made me laugh but I never went out of my way to watch it -- couldn't figure out when it was on. Its always interesting to see books like Vasquez or Roman Dirge or any of the Slave Labor books(I maintain again that Dan Vado's possibly one of the more unappreciated guys in comics)(i don't know the guy -- could be an asshole, but publishes some interesting, really unique guys), how they seem to have their own audience while falling out of the two big camps of comics, the mainstream supposedly-for-kids-but-really-for-old-people stuff or the uber-alternative-super-arty-god-i-get-it-you-like-the-1930's hipster stuff...

Here's another quote from that interview: "Because of the audience I get and the fact that these people aren't traditional comics buyers I don't think the comic industry looks at that and thinks that is a very respectable thing." And another one -- "No [the Comics Journal] people would never come near me. They'd come near me if I was unknown, doing terribly and writing a very matter of fact series about my true life experiences making a sandwich."

Anyway, it's a good interview -- and what I haven't really conveyed is that it's pretty fucking FUNNY actually, so if you have an interest...

MICRONAUTS VOL 1 REBELLION TP $12.95
TECH JACKET #6 $2.95
WITCHBLADE #64 $2.99

MARVEL

CREW #1 $2.50

Hmm, tough call. I’m not sure I’m interested in the premise, or the idea of buying another Marvel comic. On the other hand, I’ve always felt bad about not reading Christopher Priest’s books. I liked his work on QUANTUM & WOODY and even what I read of STEEL, of all books. I’m not sure.

DAREDEVIL #47 $2.99

DAREDEVIL VOL 6 LOWLIFE TP $13.99

Speaking of heterosexual male vanity, let's talk about what's really important: let's talk about my eyebrows.

I'm talking to a friend about the 'brows, which have been and still are monstrous. Big, unending, unkempt, UGLY eyebrows. Everyone has one thing they hate about their fucking ugly faces, or at least most of you should have something you hate. For me, it’s the eyebrows. I have a friend -- lips are all fucked up. So it could be worse, shit.

So the friend says Go to this place in Beverly Hills, and they'll fix your eyebrows. Yeah: they can do that now. And it’s Los Angeles, shit -- straight guys get BIKINI WAXES in Los Angeles. Wrap your head around that one for a moment... and we're unwrapping, thank you.

So, this morning, I head down to Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills is basically a bunch of forty-year old women who still want to seem stylish and cute and young, so they wear scarves around their neck.

My theory: Once Pretty Woman Plus Obscene Wealth Plus Twenty Years = Scarf Around Neck.

So I'm Beverly Hills, and I'm standing outside a fucking EYEBROW place. They don't call themselves the EYEBROW place, but ... that's what they are. And I'm outside... but I'm not going inside because there are people inside -- people who work there, ladies waiting for an eyebrow fixin'. And you know... I like the ladies. But I'd have to walk in and say "Do you guys fix eyebrows" out loud?

So I split.

Which then presents the question I've been wrestling with since: Am I bigger pussy for wanting to get my eyebrows fixed, or for pussy-ing out on getting my eyebrows fixed? I'd like to answer "BOTH," but that's really not a legitimate answer, is it? Seems more facetious than legitimate...

Therefore: DESCARTES CAN SUCK IT...

EXILES #27 $2.99
MARVEL MANGAVERSE VOL 3 SPIDER-MAN LEGEND SPIDER-CLAN TP $11.99
MARVEL MASTERWORKS X-MEN VOL 1 2ND ED HC $49.99
MARVEL MASTERWORKS X-MEN VOL 1 HC VAR DUST JACKET (PU#560) $54.99
MARVEL UNIVERSE RPG GUIDE HC $24.99
MARVILLE #7 (Note Price) $2.99

NEW MUTANTS #1 $2.50

This is a revival of one of the most gutless comics of all time as far as my money goes.

Man, I remember being a pre-teen or however old, and resenting the SHIT out of this comic. Because it wasn't about teenagers -- it was about the NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE IN THE X-MEN COMIC PLAYERS pretending to be about teenagers. It was a comic about teenagers by old people who didn't seem to care that all of the teenager characters were totally uncool...

It's hard to remember what it was like, back when this comic was coming out. It was before the whole DAWSON'S CREEK, SCREAM, teen-saturation thing that happened to the culture since then, where you can't avoid teen shit. But hell, NEW MUTANTS... everyone in that comic was a LOSER. I remember being a kid, and just thinking "Who are these LOSERS?" And that was BEFORE they introduced BIRD BOY... THE COMIC BOOK HAD A CHARACTER NAMED BIRD BOY IN IT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DID WE NEED TO BRING THIS BACK...

There's the Bill Sienkiewicz run, and obviously, none of this applies to that, but I missed most of the Sienkiewicz run. I've seen the issue with the bear, of course -- that's the issue to get. But...

NEW X-MEN #141 $2.25
RUNAWAYS #2 $2.50
SOLDIER X #11 $2.99
THUNDERBOLTS #79 $2.25
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #41 $2.25
ULTIMATE X-MEN #33 $2.25

UNCANNY X-MEN VOL 2 DOMINENT SPECIES TP $11.99

Is that how you spell Dominant? Hmm, no, I dont't think it is... Is that a pun for something? I wonder if they mis-spelled it on the comic itself.

WOLVERINE #1 $2.25
X-MEN UNLIMITED #47 $2.50

WIZARD

Oh, hey, since I'm barely talking about comic books this week: let's talk about mishandling corpses.

I'm reading through my WITKINS SUMMARY OF CALIFORNIA LAW the other day, as I'm sure you do on Sunday mornings. And I was looking for something boring about breach of contract damages, when I came across Section 831 of WITKINS CONTRACTS: Mishandling of Corpses.

It’s the section about what happens when a corpse is mishandled and someone sues the mortuary. So, I take a little break from work to read about corpse mishandling, when I come across this case, Ross v. Forest Lawn Memorial Park, 153 Cal. App. 3d 988. Here's an excerpt I thought I'd share:

"Appellant and respondent entered into a contract whereby Kristie's funeral and burial would be handled by respondent, a corporation engaged in business as a cemetery. At the time the arrangements were being made appellant advised respondent that she wanted the funeral and burial services to be private. Only family members and invited guests were to be permitted to attend. In particular, appellant requested that no "punk rockers" be allowed at the services. Kristie had been a punk rocker. Appellant was fearful that her daughter's former associates would disrupt the private services, and so advised respondent. Respondent agreed to use all reasonable efforts and means to comply with appellant's request.

"Many punk rockers attended both the funeral services in the chapel and the gravesite burial services. Neither their appearance nor comportment was in accord with traditional, solemn funeral ceremonies. Some were in white face makeup and black lipstick. Hair colors ranged from blues and greens to pinks and oranges. Some were dressed in leather and chains and twirled baton-like weapons, while yet another wore a dress decorated with live rats. The uninvited guests were drinking and using cocaine, and were physically and verbally abusive to family members and their guests. A disturbance ensued and grew to the point that police had to be called to restore order."

You know what I like best about that story? That a guy was at the Funeral wearing a jacket DECORATED WITH LIVE RATS... but they waited for a "Disturbance" to call the police.

Motherfucker, if I ever see a live goddamn rat fucking stapled to some guy's jacket, I'm not waiting for a motherfucking disturbance, are you fucking shitting me???

And what the FUCK is a baton-like weapon? And am I the only one who can't read that passage without getting SHEENA IS A PUNK ROCKER stuck in their head? Anytime I read it, I start humming that song to myself.

So, in conclusion: Archie should choose Betty or Veronica, and not corpse-mishandling. Thank you.

ART OF THE X-FILES HC (O/A) PI
AVENGELYNE DARK DEPTHS BAGGED SET $11.95
AVENGELYNE DRAGON REALM BAGGED SET $11.95
BASTARD VOL 3 TP (RES) (MR) $12.95
BATTLE ROYALE VOL 1 GN (OF 5) (MR) $9.99
CERES CELESTIAL LEGEND VOL 4 TP CHIDORI $9.95
COURTNEY CRUMRIN & THE NIGHT THINGS TP SPECIAL EDITION $11.95
CREPAX EMMANUELLE BIANCA & VENUS IN FURS HC (O/A) (A) PI
CROSSOVERS #5 $2.95
CRUX #26 $2.95
DALKIEL PROPHECY (O/A) (MR) $3.95
DF INCREDIBLE HULK HC SGN $89.95
DF ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN SGN #38 $19.99
DFE DARKNESS PRELUDE #1 PI
DFE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE PRELUDE WHITE CVR #1 $10.00
DOGWITCH #5 (MR) $2.95
DRAGONBALL PERFECT ED MANGA #1 $18.99

3% left to go on those comics I stole. I guess that'll be the CONCLUSION. Shit, that took FOREVER. I had dinner and shit. Man, stealing this shit is just not worth it. It jacked up my computer so I couldn't use it in the meantime. I'm not going to sit around and read comics on my computer, not unless they're web-comics DESIGNED for computers and not just scanned paper. And the content doesn't justify it, the way a scanlation occasionally MIGHT -- scanlations present manga that you can't find in this country, which usually has no analogous product you can buy. These comics -- no, you can't get WHAT IF any other way that I know of, but you can go and buy something that's roughly equivalent to it anyway -- any Marvel comic will give you an equivalent thrill-level. And there's no sampling, like the way Oni Comics offers many of the first issues for their comics in PDF format, as example....

It’s fucking ridiculous. Who does such fucking things?

DRAGONBALL VOL 10 TP SHONEN J ED $7.95
DRAGONBALL VOL 11 TP $7.95
DRAGONBALL VOL 8 TP SHONEN J ED $7.95
DRAGONBALL VOL 9 TP SHONEN J ED $7.95
DRAGONBALL Z VOL 10 TP SHONEN J ED C: 3) $7.95
DRAGONBALL Z VOL 11 TP $7.95
DRAGONBALL Z VOL 8 TP SHONEN J ED $7.95
DRAGONBALL Z VOL 9 TP SHONEN J ED $7.95
DUNGEON #6 $2.95
EDEN VOL 1 #4 (A) $2.95
EDEN VOL 1 #5 (A) $2.95
ENTER AVARIZ GN $18.00

FREAK BROTHERS #1 NEW PTG (O/A) (MR) (Note Price) $3.95
FREAK BROTHERS #2 NEW PTG (MR) (Note Price) $3.95
FREAK BROTHERS #7 NEW PTG (MR) (Note Price) $3.95

I think there's a trade with all this stuff in it.

FREEMIND #6 $3.50
GIGANTOR COMPLETE COLL TP $15.95
GOLD DIGGER #42 $3.50
GREAT APE $3.50
GUNDAM WING GROUND ZERO TP 2ND ED (RES) $9.95

HEARTCORE #1 (A) $2.95
HEARTCORE #2 (A) $2.95

Ughhh, this sounds EMO. It sounds like a comic that JIMMY EAT WORLD cries to. I gotta pass. Its almost a good title. Well, no, I'm being harsh. It’s a good title, actually. Just... emo.

HOW LOATHSOME #2 (MR) $2.95

MAR032414 HOW TO BREAK INTO COMICS $2.95

If you pay $3 for something called HOW TO BREAK INTO COMICS, then you're probably too dull a person to have anything worthwhile to say anyway. God, spare us your comics.

And hell: why not just learn how to draw?

HUGO #2 (A) $3.50
INFERNO MAGAZINE #36 $6.95
INVU VOL 2 GN (Of 4) (RES) $9.99

JUNGLE FANTASY ABOY PAINTED FAUNA CVR #2 (MR) $5.95

Well, bully for ABOY... ABOY? I should sue, man...

JUNGLE FANTASY ADRIAN IVORY NUDE CVR #2 (MR) $6.00
KAMEN RIDER SPIRITS MANGA #3 $11.99
KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE #79 $3.99
KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE ILLUSTRATED #22 $2.99
KODT EVERKNIGHTS #6 $2.99
LAUGH DIGEST #184 $2.39

LIZZIE MCGUIRE CINEMANGA VOL 1 GN (Of 4) $7.99

... Cinemanga for a live-action movie? Wait, isn't LIZZIE MCGUIRE one of those disturbing Nickelodeon-underage-girls-prancing-around-who's-the-audience-for-this-anyway movies? Why would that need a CINEMANGA?

Don't answer that.

Please.

LORELEI VOL 2 #2 (RES) (MR) $3.95

LOUIS RIEL #10 $2.95

I think this is the last issue (though I'm not sure). I'd like to read this in trade, so I'm hoping it’s collected soon. More just to see what the hell the critical acclaim was about. I'm not sure I'm a Biography of Historical Canadian Figures Comic Book kind of comic book fan. I'd have to think that might get old.

On the other hand, maybe there are a lot of mounties. I remember liking DUDLEY DO RIGHT. The cartoon, not the movie. Was there a movie? No, there couldn't have been a movie, could there? I remember GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE was a movie, but DUDLEY... oh, god, I think there was a DUDLEY movie... oh, I don't even want to look it up...

MANGAZINE #43 $9.99
MEN OF MYSTERY MASTERWORKS COLL PACK #1 $49.95

METAL HURLANT #6 (MR) $3.95

Tequila?

METALLIX #0 $3.50
MONSTER CLUB #4 $3.50
MONTHLY COMIC DRAGON APR 2003 $12.50
MONTHLY MAGAZINE Z MAY 2003 $9.99
MOONSTONE NOIR JOHNNY DOLLAR (MR) $4.95
NEW MASTERS OF FANTASY #1 (MR) PI
NON APRITE QUELLE PORTA DONT OPEN THIS DOOR TP (A) $3.00
OGENKI CLINIC VOL 9 #7 (A) $2.95
OGENKI CLINIC VOL 9 #8 (A) $2.95
PAUL IN THE COUNTRY (O/A) (Note Price) $3.50
PHANTOM VOL 1 TP GHOST WHO WALKS $16.95
PRIEST VOL 6 GN (Of 9) $9.99
PSYCHO HUNTER #4 (MR) $3.95
PURE MANGA #1 (A) $11.99
RAIJIN COMICS #23 (MR) $4.95

RAW MEDIA AYALA BONDAGE ADULT CVR #12 (A) $6.00
REAR ENTRY #3 (A) $3.50

Which do you think is more disturbing? I'd have to go with RAW MEDIA. It just sounds... chafe-y. Then again, RAW MEDIA could be something Stephen Brill could call his next magazine. Yeah: maybe REAR ENTRY? God, that's a tougher call than I thought at first. I guess I'll go with REAR ENTRY -- I think the BONDAGE ADULT COVER swayed me over to RAW MEDIA moreso than I'd normally be swayed.

Apparently, one of the Wachowski Bros. likes the bondage so much he stole a dominatrix wife away from her husband, who apparently runs an S&M place in LA. There was this weird story about it in the NEW YORK POST, but I can’t figure out how to link it. Which… doesn’t help me understand RELOADED any better, but that story was more entertaining than the first hour of the movie, so…

REBOUND VOL 1 GN (Of 10) $9.99
RIFT #1 (Of 6) (O/A) $2.95
RIFT #2 (Of 6) (RES) $2.95
ROUTE 666 #12 $2.95
SCION #36 $2.95
SEX WARRIOR ISANE #1 (A) $3.50
SHANDA THE PANDA #37 (MR) $4.99
SHI ILL WARRIOR DEADLY TOMOE RUBY RED ED #3 $24.95
SHI ILLUSTRATED WARRIOR DEADLY TOMOE ED #3 $5.95
SHI PANDORAS BOX PRISM FOIL CVR #1 $12.95
SHONEN ACE MAGAZINE MAY 2003 $8.99
SIGIL VOL 4 TP HOSTAGE PLANET $15.95
SIMPSONS COMICS #82 $2.50

SKY BETWEEN BRANCHES LIMITED ED #0 $10.99

Dude, has there ever been a #1 of this comic? I keep seeing #0s on this list. Is this a comic book that comes out? Maybe I'm just making shit up, but ... this is some COM.X thing, right?

SOJOURN VOL 3 TP $15.95
SOLUS #3 $2.95
SPOUTNIK VOL 4 $10.95

SUGAR FREE DAYS #3 $3.50

Oh, I like that title. What a nice title... It sounds like it should be a Matthew Sweet album or something, with Tuesday Weld on the cover and everything. It should be a coming-of-age story about a kid at summer camp who tries to date twins.

SUPER ROBOT WAR A ACTION COMICS MANGA $18.99
SUPER ROBOT WARS R ANTHOLOGY MANGA #1 $16.99
TAHITI SYLVAIN HC (A) PI

TEENAGERS FROM MARS #6 (Of 8) (MR) $2.99

BUYING THIS. Oh great -- god, what an awful list besides. This is a reason to go to the store for me. There are very, very few books I look forward to as much. It took a turn for the SILLY last time -- the whole comic book burning part of the plot's just a bit silly to me; I don't like comics that mention comic books. But the art's great, the pacing's great, they've done a nice job on the characters... I really enjoy this book, so I'm happy to see it come out. It's a comedy about a bunch of teenagers living in a small town who get into trouble.

THREE STRIKES #2 (Of 5) (MR) $2.99
THRESHOLD RIO PANDORA NUDE CVR #50 (MR) $9.00
TRANSFORMERS GENERATION ONE VOL 2 #2 (Of 6) $2.95
UNDER THE GUNDAM DOUBLE FAKE MANGA #1 $12.99
VAMPIRE YUI VOL 5 #2 $2.95
VAMPIRE YUI VOL 5 #3 $2.95
VERONICA #140 $2.19
YOU AND ME VOL 1 #4 $2.95
YOU AND ME VOL 1 #5 $2.95
YU GI OH MANGA #6 (O/A) $7.95
YU GI OH MANGA #7 (O/A) $7.95
YU GI OH VOL 1 TP MILLENNIUM PUZZLE $7.95
ZERO SUM ANTHOLOGY MANGA APR 2003 $11.99

STOLEN COMICS

And I now have the first volume of WHAT IF sitting on my hard drive, apparently. So, let's take a look: There are some 40 GODDAMN issues. I'll be damned I'm reading 40 goddamn WHAT IF comics.

Okay, let's take a look...

God, this is AWFUL. I can't even read the comic on slideshow mode because the pages are so big. So then you have to figure out a way to zoom in, but as soon as you zoom -- you can't see the page anymore. How do you even read it??? I guess you need a printer, but then, all the paper and ink you'd waste... Those printer cartridge's are expensive, so that's not worth it...

Its just awful and stupid.

As for the comics themselves, what sort of questions are they posing, anyway?

VOLUME 2 #6: WHAT IF THE X-MEN LOST INFERNO? Ahm, they'd have cried to mama?

VOLUME 2 #9: WHAT IF THE X-MEN DIED ON THEIR FIRST MISSION? Well, hopefully their corpse wouldn't be mishandled by punk-rock-loving dead-rat afficiniados wielding baton-like weapons. I hear that sucks.

VOLUME 2 #7: WHAT IF WOLVERINE WAS AN AGENT OF SHIELD? Why I'd have to change my panties, which would be soaking wet with the fluid of my excitement. YIPPIE KAY YAY!!!!

VOLUME 2 #13: WHAT IF THE X-MEN EJACULATED BLACK SEMEN INTO WILLIAM SHATNER'S LEFT EYEBALL? I -- I don't know, I'd imagine Shatner would punch them out. I don't think the Shat would like that at all, man. Hell, I don't think he'd like being referred to as the Shat either. Do you think a buddy cop movie, a remake of FREEBIE AND THE BEAN, with William Shatner and Shaquille O'Neal called THE SHAQ AND THE SHAT -- do you think that'd be a big hit?

VOLUME 2 #36: WHAT IF THE X-MEN WERE ON BARBARA WALTERS? Man, did you see where they promoted JOhn Stossel? I hate that guy.

VOLUME 2 #11: WHAT IF I WERE TO PASS A NOTE TO THE GIRL I LIKE IN THIRD PERIOD FRENCH? The Watcher says "She would still shun you, loser. Work out, wash your hair, do something about the pimples, improve yourself, and for the love of god, put the comic books away." The Watcher's loves you, sad adolescents, but its a tough love.

VOLUME 2 #4-AND-THREE-QUARTERS: WHAT IF THE X-MEN WERE REAL, BUT WE WERE ALL FAKE, AND WHAT IF THE COLOR BLUE IS TO ME ISN'T WHAT THE COLOR BLUE IS TO-

OH MY GOD, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S BOB EGGLETON!!!!

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