By A.K.
June 4, 2003
“Dynamic Forces […] are going to start a new fund, with no bureaucracy, to start raising money for putting ads into entertainment media outside of the comic industry, and we are going to be the funnel for this. If other people want to do it, fine -- that would be nothing short of awesome, but we're already rolling with Mark Millar, Matt Hawkins, Jae Lee, and are in talks with celebrities to help as well. As of now, Mark is going to donate a story for a comic that will sell solely to raise money, and the money raised will be part of a pool to purchase ads a la the "Got Milk" Ads, perhaps along the lines of ‘Comics are Cool!’….” -- Nick Barrucci.
Oh… oh sweet merciful God, thank you… you… you…in the middle of a drought, you bring rain; in the middle of a snowstorm, you bring heat; in the middle of a good movie, when I have to pee, you let me hold it… I CAN SEE AGAIN!
C-c-comics are… I don’t want to jinx it! I feel like if I say it, I’ll jinx it, and this beautiful, sad fever dream will go away and leave me to dry Philly Con reports and disintegrating comic companies. I want this feeling to last forever…
Imagine it. Imagine driving down some highway in the future -- yeah, imagine driving down a highway on the MOON since it’s the future. You’re driving along with the window down, and there’s a giant billboard. And the billboard’s got a picture of your local retailer on it, and he hasn’t showered, and he’s holding up a copy of IRON MAN, and there’s a word balloon coming out of his mouth. And what’s in that word balloon? C-c-comics are… YOU CAN’T MAKE ME SAY IT! And you see it and you almost crash your car because of the blood rushing to drown your eyeballs. Or you asphyxiate because there’s no oxygen on the moon. One of the two.
But hey, if you can’t trust someone who wants to sell you autographed foil-covered urine-stained back issues of Iron Man for $50 each, who can you trust? This guy who -- the interview is THREE PARTS LONG of ideas as good as this one!! -- whenever you see me wanting to shoot myself over some piece of shit, or crappy little knick-knack that some freak’s wasting his money on -- this is the guy selling it to him. I’m not sure how this column would exist without him. He is the alpha and the omega of crap, if you will.
Wait, let’s dissect this guy’s business real fast because it’s really been a big theme for this column: a lot of good comic books? No audience. I could talk to you about SKAGGY THE LOST -- a moody Vikings versus Mayans comic from SLAVE LABOR notable for its distinctive art. Did anybody buy it? Shit, man, I didn’t even buy it -- I shoplifted that comic. Have I mentioned the shoplifting? FIVE-FINGERED DISCOUNT, RETAILER CHUMPS! Shoplifting is MoviePoopShoot-Approved, except don’t get caught ‘cause I’ll tell you what: the only people who get prison-raped more in the Big House? The guys who shoplift Planet of the Apes toys. We learned this in criminal law. Regular cons rape the child molestors; child molestors rape the Star Wars shoplifters; Star Wars shoplifters rape the Trekkie shoplifters; Trekkie shoplifters rape the Space:1999 shoplifters; Space:1999 shoplifters rape the Marvel fans; Marvel fans rape the DC fans (which only makes sense because the DC fans are older so grampa can’t fight back as good); which is the one reason you would want to read CrossGen because I’m willing to bet that even in prison, CrossGen fans can’t get a date.
Anyway: most comic books? No audience. None. And I mean ANYBODY. Sometimes a comic creator can get their mom to buy one, but most moms? They like the colors books. Moms don’t want the black and white comics. So, usually its just me reading their comics and, what, maybe they buy one for their dogs because dogs see in black and white anyway so they’re not going to know the difference…
No audience, But instead of buying those comics, perfectly good comics, instead of just buying more comics, “comic fans” out there are buying CAPTAIN AMERICA ASS-INTRUDERS instead of fucking comic books, and they’re buying them from this guy. And he’s going to tell us how to save comics?
JESUS CHRIST, DUDE: HE’S THE FUCKING GUY WE NEED TO SAVE COMICS FROM!!!
And his plan on how is C… C… Comics Are… Wow, dude. If you have a free moment, let’s take a closer look, shall we?
The interview comes in three parts, as I mentioned. Part one is A CALL FOR A BETTER INDUSTRY. And really, maybe it just got off on the wrong foot with me:
“Comic books are the best, most original, most beautiful art form ever -- the perfect merging of art and story, hitting readers with a full experience. Where else can you go and get a monthly dose of Superman, Spider-Man, Justice League, X-Men, Transformers”
YEAH, FUCK YOU, RENAISSANCE!! Hey, Van Gogh -- I know one of those ears is still working; listen up, gebroni: Where’s my monthly dose of Transformers, Van Gogh, you little bitch? OPTIMUS PRIME WILL BEAT YOUR ASS, VAN GOGH!!!
(Dude: I didn’t make that quote up -- he said comics were the greatest art form ever thanks to monthly TRANSFORMERS…)
(Dose… you know what I love about me and you and the community of you and I and the really the whole Brotherhood of Man, Comic-Reading Dept.? How the only adequate analogy we can find for our hobby is pharmaceutical drug lingo. Bill Jemas is totally my Nurse Ratchet. My Nurse Ratchet with 4 MILLION DOLLARS, incidentally. 4 million dollars. And all he wants to do is write NAMOR comics? Motherfucker, if I had 4 million dollars, I’d wipe my ass with Namor FANS -- I wouldn’t even bother my rich, rich ass-cheeks with the comics themselves. You would be crawling about my filthy rich ass with a small shovel, the kind they make sand castles out of… In fact, is Bill Jemas hiring? Do I send in my resume for ass-cleaner to the same place as EPIC submissions? TEACH ME, MARVILLE #7!!!)
So, anyway, the interview guy, the Dynamic Forces guy, then there’s the part I like, which is the talk about an industry spokesgroup. I like it for two reasons: (1) I don’t understand why comics are completely unstructured business-wise -- it’s hard to care about people claiming to be screwed when everyone’s so clearly out for only themselves. Anytime you hear some writer bitch, keep in mind there’ll never be a Writers Guild in comics because the same guy would never let a new writer get treated the same as him… and he’s getting SHIT on. He’s jealously protecting being SHIT on.
And two, I want to be around when the whole thing collapses over a “Who’d win in a fight -- Matter Eater Lad or Spider-Girl?” argument. My theory is that any mass of “comic professionals” is one good Matter Eater Lad discussion away from some serious hilarity/in-fighting. Oh, Matter-Eater Lad… you only brought us strife.
Then, as if the “Comics are the greatest things ever made ever and ever” wasn’t pandering enough, he pulls out the analogies: “By taking [Free Comic Book Day] back to its roots -- Baskin Robbins' Free Scoop Night.” He’s putting it into language every comic fan can understand -- ice cream. “I know this is a sophisticated business concept, but think about it like it’s pork fat, fatty. You like the pork fat, right, big guy? THINK ABOUT PORK FAT, YOU SWEATY HOG!”
Oh, and I’ve always read that advertising only creates desire, not demand. But…whatever…
Let’s switch to Part 2: RETAILERS UNITE, which opens with the warning flag of all warning flags:
This industry needs retailers to band together literally, figuratively and intellectually into an organization that has a hierarchy and a leader who then approaches the publishers with constructive criticism.”
Retailers should go to comic book companies and tell comic book companies what to make. Oh, god help us ... God help us all if that were to ever happen.
Since when did retailers get behind new or different things or changes of direction or …? Eew! But it worked out in TV after all -- network affiliates have a lot of say, and what’s a more vibrant creative medium than network television?
Constructive criticism? Can’t we all just pitch in and buy Olav Beemer a gun? And dude, in comics? In comics, I PASS FOR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.
This is just a big invitation to some sweaty retailer from COCKGROWING UNIVERSE COMICS STORE yelling at poor Joe Quesada that, like, Captain America shouldn’t kiss girls on the lips anymore unless he really loves them… this is an invitation to disaster.
I don’t know. The good thing for me about comics is that sometimes people don’t have anyone to answer to, and they do some fun, fucked-up shit. These guy’s ideas? Lets give them someone to answer to. … What?
Oh, but they’re in the selling Marvel comics business, so they should really have more in say in… wait, aren’t they supposed to be in the selling comics business? Shouldn’t they be focused on, you know, comics as a whole instead of giving constructive criticism about Hulk comics? Whatever -- let’s not even pretend that’s the case...
Then Part 3, which is “LOOKING IN THE MIRROR where we all face our self-loathing and learn that when daddy yelled at us, he was doing it because he LOVED US and -- wait, no, I’m thinking of the last Dr. Phil. What’d these yokels say? (Oh, said yokels include Cliff Biggers, who’s there as some sort of retailer Yoda, dispensing “There is no try” wisdom from the shadows somewhere, but…)
Here’s their vision on the future of comics: casual fans instead of dedicated fans. Oh -- sounds nice. How do you get casual fans?
YOU GET JIM LEE TO DRAW BATMAN!
Casual like Dean Martin after a couple highballs, shit yeah.
This is it. This is the extent of the vision. Jim Lee drawing Batman. Chris Claremont and John Byrne making Justice League comics. And then complaints that Freddie Prinze Jr. never wrote SPIDER-MAN. This is what’s in the fortune cookie.
“I know that "Comics are cool" isn't the best slogan in the world, and it will probably change, but you know what? It's a slogan. What did it replace? Nothing. There was nothing there; there was no other unified push to get comics out into the hands of everyone”
I’m a little less happy with this interview then when I saw it last week because in the intervening time, I saw a movie called FINDING NEMO.
This movie really wanted to be beautiful in its own way, in its own context. I think that’s safe to say. We can debate if it attained that or not… but I think that’s a safe bet.
Or consider the GODFATHER. The aspiration’s hardly limited to cartoons or children’s fare. I would assert that the GODFATHER, movie picked at random, had the same aspiration:
Or if you want to stick with animated films, consider, if you would, Miyazaki who draws so much of his animated films himself:
What do we have in comics?
A montage I assembled of HAWKMAN, ELEKTRA and X-MEN UNLIMITED out this week, chosen mostly at random (well, I chose Elektra for obvious “it’ll have ass so as to prove my point” reasons)…
I always get into a funk after the Pixar films. Because I read comics. It shouldn’t be so engaging to me visually. Essentially art-driven experiences? That should be old hat to me as a comic fan. I should be used to that after seeing things like it week after week…
It’s not old hat. I don’t see anything like it week after week.
Never mind the simplicity of the concept. Let’s not even talk about that. Why even go down that road? What would be gained anymore? We all know that’s a dead end.
So maybe I’m a bit more uppity about the interview as a result of the movie.
Because I’m not sure I accept that premise that we need more comics in people’s hands.
I’m not sure how much that the aspiration for beauty is alive in mainstream comics. And I don’t want to sound like that uppity alternative fan sneering at the mainstream. It saddens me that alternative fans see their role not to be persuasive or to be examples, but to be these mean people snickering about pervert suits.
I just think we take it for granted. I think comics for most people just stop being special, and then the routine imagery no longer matters to them. Look how excited people get by the ULTIMATES simply for being pretty. In many ways, kind of a dumb book -- wife-beating GIANT MAN, Freddie Prince Junior jokes… but it’s pretty.
I’m not sure what the point an ad campaign is when its run by crap merchants who see beauty in dollar signs and nerd bait.
This week, I’m not sure comics are cool.
Welcome to my comic book column. Welcome to the last month of Title Bout.
YEEAAAAAAH!! LAST MONTH! NOW I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT FOR A CHANGE!!!.
Aah, fuck dude, that didn’t work at all.
I thought it’d be really dramatic if I did something big before the last month announcement. But yeah: only thing I could think to express was just this vague feeling of loss -- how the hell do you express a vague feeling of loss??? This isn’t Woody Allen’s RADIO DAYS, motherfucker.
It never works whenever I try to get all serious, man. NEVER. I just can’t pull that shit off.
“Let me tell you what comics were like in ‘Nam.” That’s what I sound like. Its ridiculous…
You know, I always liked those big sweeping manifesto-y moments other columnists can throw down with. I never really agreed with the manifestos themselves, because they usually come down to “We need more comics like the ones I intend to write next week after I get mad contracts for having written this bitchin’ manifesto” but … That’s my manifesto: “comics would be better if Bill Jemas let me masturbate onto a pile of his four million dollars.”
I just like the manifesto-y-ness of the manifestos more than anything. Just the way they sound so BIG. Most folks shouldn’t do them. You can’t do a big-sounding manifesto and then go back to writing about superpowered janitors or whatever. A couple pro columnists over the years didn’t seem to realize that.
Yeah, I’m going to turn this last month into LARS VON TITLEBOUT if you give me enough rope, man (rope?).
Was the part with the “Comics aren’t cool” at least a little cute or anything? No? I thought I had something there…
So, yeah, last month -- what’s coming out?
Every Monday, we provide a list of products shipping for
the current week, as well as those products expected to
ship the following week!
Shipping This Week: June 4
The following products are expected to ship to comic book
specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative
and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for
availability.
He will, in turn, explain to you how he rules comics now! MOBB SHIT, BITCH!
PREMIER PUBLISHERS
DARK HORSE
BLACKBURNE COVENANT #3 (Of 4) $2.99
Doesn’t this comic sound like it should have Michael Caine in it? Not old Michael Caine. Michael Caine with the thick glasses, `70s Caine, smooth ALFIE-era Caine. Caine Classic, if you will.
INTRON DEPOT VOL 3 BALLISTICS TP (MR) $49.95
OH MY GODDESS #98 THE PHANTOM RACER (PART 3 OF 4) $2.99
SPYBOY 13.2 THE MANGA AFFAIR #2 (Of 3) $2.99
It’s sort of like the THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR, only less Steve McQueen, more Dairy Queen?
Oh Christ, that was awful!!!. Steve McQueen-Dairy Queen rhymes? What the shit does that even mean? It’s my last month -- I’m not even trying anymore. I’m two days till retirement. Yeah, Glover-style.
I’m a lame duck comic columnist! Ha!
Dairy Queen, Steve McQueen -- it sounds like it should mean something. Well, are there any uncool Steve’s? Hmmm, no, there aren’t. That was the whole point of that movie the TAO OF STEVE? No uncool Steve’s. So I couldn’t do a “less Steve____, and more Steve ____” gag.
How about “It’s sort of like the THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR, only less Steve McQueen, more Steve McNerd?”
I don’t know. A McNerd sounds like a Happy Meal toy. And the passive-aggressive nerd bashing of the last couple months -- hey, man, they’re just trying to live their lives, day to day, dollar to dollar, Seaquest episode to Seaquest episode.
STAR WARS REPUBLIC #54 $2.99
USAGI YOJIMBO #66 $2.99
DC COMICS
100 BULLETS #45 (MR) $2.50
I’m bummed this is moving bi-monthly while the creative team does a second book, their run on BATMAN that’s following Jim Lee’s run. But that’s a prime gig, I guess -- hell, Risso Batman? I’m sure I’m picking up those issues happily enough, so… can’t really complain too much. Still, any sort of delay in a 100-issue series… What a great series. Buying this.
100 BULLETS is about people getting a briefcase filled with all the evidence you’d need to convince you that you should take revenge on someone, and a gun with 100 untraceable bullets that the police will never ask about. It’s drawn the best monthly artist in comics, Eduardo Risso. I like it.
21 DOWN #10 $2.95
ACTION COMICS #804 $2.25
ARKHAM ASYLUM LIVING HELL #2 (Of 6) $2.50
AUTHORITY VOL 2 #2 (MR) $2.95
Part of me is on the “Hahahahahaha” tip since it seems everyone who did bother to read this is giving it a big thumbs down. On the other hand, man, you really have to feel for the poor guys picked to take over, whatever their names are. I mean: they had a pretty impossible job. This was a dead book. And an audience just looking to destroy them…
Poor fucking bastards. It’s like, in a war movie? They were the fast-talking kid from Brooklyn. At best, they were Jim Brown dropping grenades onto gasoline-drenched nazis. At best. Either way, they weren’t making it out of there, you know? Couldn’t DC have just asked these guys to drop grenades onto gasoline-drenched nazis instead of doing Authority comics?
Or, you know, for a more girl-friendly metaphor, they might as well have been … the snappy aging mom’s rebellious daughter, or Bette Midler’s best friend in BEACHES? Basically, I’m saying DC might as well have given them terminal cases of breast cancer?
You know: am I nuts or did talking about gasoline-drenched Nazis just seem like a happier discussion? If just one chick flick had gasoline-drenched Nazis -- and AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS doesn’t count -- then I really think there’d be a lot more understanding between men and women…
BATMAN NEVERMORE #3 (Of 5) $2.50
DETECTIVE COMICS #783 $2.75
DOOM PATROL #21 $2.50
GREEN LANTERN THE ROAD BACK TP $14.95
It’s a good thing this is going to be in bookstores where this book can find its real audience: nerds who work in bookstores.
Jesus, DC might as well have called this “GREEN LANTERN: GOOD READING FOR THE EMPLOYEE’S TOILET AT BARNES & NOBLE.”
Yeah, because there’s this big mass of people who just refuse to go to a comic book shop, but … they really want to know what’s going on with Green Lantern, damnit!
I actually passed a guy, two days ago, near Little Tokyo 2 (my name for Sawtelle is Little Tokyo 2 -- I don’t know the “official” name -- great neighborhood, but you have to be willing to eat at B-grades… which I was much more okay with before I realized that they don’t actually give Fs and they stop at C… ). Anyway: Green Lantern sweatshirt. F’real. Guy walked by me in a Green Lantern SWEATSHIRT. Not a t-shirt. No, not a t-shirt. He wanted something in case it got a little nippy out. In LOS ANGELES. He bought a GREEN LANTERN SWEATSHIRT even though he lives in sunny, warm Los Angeles.
And of course, being a registered comic columnist, got my union card and everything, know the secret comic columnist handshake… anytime over the last 11 months I’ve around anything even remotely geeky, part of me just wants to scream “I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, MOTHERFUCKER!”
It hasn’t been healthy.
HARLEY QUINN #33 $2.50
HAWKMAN #16 $2.50
JSA ALL STARS #2 (Of 8) $2.50
ONE TIME!! Wait, I’m thinking of the Refugee All-Stars…
JUSTICE LEAGUE ADVENTURES #20 $2.25
LOBO UNBOUND #1 (Of 6) (MR) $2.95
LOONEY TUNES #103 $2.25
MAD MAGAZINE #431 $3.50
NEW TEEN TITANS THE TERROR OF TRIGON TP $17.95
This sounds like a lost Dr. Who episode. I hope the Master’s in it.
God, I haven’t seen Dr. Who since high school … and Dr. Who, if you’re not British, is HARDCORE nerd because you’d have to put on PBS. If your nerd is interrupted by PBS sponsor telethons, then your nerd is a hardcore nerd, indeed. “I was trying to be a nerd, but they needed a donation!!” I don’t know what it’s like if you’re British -- I’m sure British Dr. Who fans are Steve Mcqueen and not Dairy Queen? What? Any better? No…
Anyway: I liked the Master. I forget what my point was, but yeah: Master. Daleks. Cybermen. The one with the boats in space. The one with the Mount Rushmore thing. I’m a giant nerd. I think my point was “I am a giant nerd.” Jesus, Dr. WHO. And the sad thing is I literally never managed to figure out the premise of the show. It was just some British guy who’d roam around? I could never figure out where he was going. I kept waiting for them to explain -- where the fuck is that guy GOING? What the fuck was going on in that show?
Sometimes when I’m at the club? I tell the girls about the Dr. Who. Are they excited? Moreso by my cunning Daleks impression. That’s like Spanish fly.
Fuck, dude, I did 11 months of the column and I’d fooled everyone into thinking I was the “cool” comic book columnist. Now I blow it thanks to the Daleks. They “EXTERMINATE”d my cool, man. I’m all Dairy Queen now, and not so much…
PLANETARY READER $5.95
What is this? Sourcebook or a reprint?
I’m glad PLANETARY’s going to come out again… whenever. It wasn’t my favorite Ellis book, uneven, but it was getting a little more focused there at the end. I do want to see how it ends, I guess. But more John Cassaday. I didn’t get his CAPTAIN AMERICA thing, so it’s been a LONG time since I’ve seen him. I’m skipping that BATMAN thing, though. Those crossovers are never my thing…
PROPOSITION PLAYER TP (MR) $14.95
ROBOTECH LOVE AND WAR #1 (Of 6) $2.95
SUPER FRIENDS ROBIN MAQUETTE $89.95
SUPERMAN ARCHIVES VOL 6 HC $49.95
VERTIGO POP BANGKOK #2 (Of 4) (MR) $2.95
BUYING THIS. Any comic where the characters aren’t “likeable” takes a hit with comic critics. I don’t mind so much. The “likeable” thing? It’s usually the main character doing a wisecrack. Then, they’re likeable. No wisecrack? Not likeable. Or something. Here -- it’s a tough series, but its about sex tourists in Bangkok. I don’t want to read about the “likeable” sex tourists, you know? Though so far -- the stories I heard from friends about Bangkok were better. They all concerned some sort of drink that has speed in it… I never wanted to go, just to drink a speed-laced drink, but they were good stories, anyway… And… I do want to get the second issue of the comic book?
Ha: yeah, I don’t want to go to the city so much as read a comic book about it? Have I mentioned the Daleks yet? Big nerd? Did that come up this week? ”Yeah, Bangkok? I don’t know -- but Bangkok the comic? SOLD!” Oh, Christ… You know: there are other cities that are higher on my list. Like, yeah, girls can shoot stuff out of their vaginas in Bangkok. I know. I heard all about it. And I’m sure that’s just super, but… you know, after the fifth or sixth thing you see violently ejected from a vagina, I’m thinking your definition of “expanding your horizons via travel” might shift slightly towards non-vagina-ejections related activities.
Now, if only we could get a girl to shoot like…flyers with “COMICS ARE COOL” written on them out of her vagina onto sex tourists in Bangkok -- see, you have to think outside the “box.”
Yeah, let’s stop.
WILDCATS VERSION 3.0 #10 (MR) $2.95
IMAGE
BATTLE OF THE PLANETS JASON ONE SHOT $4.99
Jason Vorhees from the Friday the 13th movies? Man, if only the Gatchaman team had paid more attention to the kids while they were camp counselors, instead of trying to Battle Planets or get into each other’s pants…
GI JOE #18 $2.95
HEIRS OF ETERNITY #2 (Of 5) $2.95
Heirs of my balls, is more like it.
Actually, I have no idea about this comic. I just wanted to do a ball-hair joke there. I wouldn’t have to do it if Bill Jemas would just give me 4 million dollars. I wouldn’t have to resort to such things. But nooooooo, he’s too busy writing NAMOR to give me 4 million dollars.
4 MILLION DOLLARS! You know what I”d do if I had 4 million dollars? I’d buy 8 million dollars. I’ve always wanted 8 million dollars. Yeah… And then? I think I’d tell you to kiss my ass. I’m looking forward to Jemas’s next press conference.
“Q: WHAT DO YOU SAY TO CRITICS WHO SAY-
A: KISS MY ASS!! KISS IT!! MAKE KISSY-KISS NOISES WHEN YOU KISS IT!! BIG EARL CAN KILL ANYBODY HE WANTS NOW!!!!”
Man, that’d be the life.
KORE #2 $2.95
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE VOL 2 EDWARDS HOLOFOIL CVR #3 $5.95
So, I want to do a review of a comic that might have slipped under your radar: BUILD YOUR OWN FARM FUN-KIT by author unknown (possibly PMB), a West Hollywood artist.
BUILD YOUR OWN FARM FUN-KIT isn’t distributed by Diamond, so much as a kid standing outside a FLAMING LIPS concert at the Palladium selling comics for a $1. The comic is bound with a rubber band, and has a nice yellow card-ish cover. He just wandered up and down the line, and he says “Do you want to buy my comic?” And I think I said something like “I AM A COMIC COLUMNIST!! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE MOTHERFUCKER!!”
The comic begins with four pages of alien-esque characters trying to communicate through purely visual word balloons. Unfortunately, said communication appears to fail when one alien stabs another with a hypodermic needle. The stabbed alien is then hooked into a television screen. The comic then becomes the program on the television screen, which involves cows. The rest of the comic then concerns an apocalyptic battle between said cows and an evil machine-using(presumably a tractor) farmer. The comic’s twist ending, which I will now spoil to amuse myself, caught me by surprise, yet seems now perfect in its inevitably: time-travelling space missile. The comic ends as the cows “just fucking hang out.”
So it’s basically about how our inability to communicate in any way but violence draws us inexorably towards our own doom, yet how only violence can lead to us “just fucking hang out.”
Make sure you track this one down from… the guy outside the FLAMING LIPS concert last Saturday. I recommend time-travelling space missile.
The show was good -- Starlight Mints and Liz Phair opened; LIPS came on, giant video screen behind them playing videos from BATTLE ROYALE and 90210 and explosions and surgeries and people snorting their own brains, twenty-fifty fans in bunny and tiger and Santa costumes on stage, hundreds of balloons… good time. I’d seen them four years ago, before they got as big as they have, so it was sort of nice to see them again after whatever success they’ve managed.
MARVEL
AGENT X #11 $2.99
ALIAS #23 (MR) $2.99
Buying this. The last issue wasn’t my favorite of the book so far. The whole retro thing -- it was done a lot about four or five years ago. Around the time of KINGDOM COME, 90% of mainstream comics were doing these awful retro pastiche things. I’ve just never been fond of them. I hated SUPREME, where Alan Moore worked the retro thing every which way. Just really loathed that book, and that was by Alan Moore, so… It’s just not my thing, at all -- it just … I’m not sure what I’m supposed to get from it, you know. I want to read the comics of 5 years from now, not 50 years ago. That and the danger of being condescending -- well, ALIAS avoided that. Back about four years ago, it was one just condescending trip back in time after another, is my recollection.
The issue ended well at least -- it did it and moved on pretty quickly, thankfully
This is a series about a lady private investigator. I like how character-focused it is -- the mysteries are usually nice, but for me this book is about getting to watch the main character’s behavior and see who she is. Also, the art by Michael Gaydos, and the colors especially, are pretty damn nice.
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN VOL 4 TP $11.99
BLACK PANTHER #60 $2.99
CALL #3 $2.25
CAPTAIN AMERICA VOL 2 THE EXTREMISTS TP $13.99
ELEKTRA #24 $2.99
ETERNAL #1 (MR) $2.99
Were people really fans of the ETERNALS? Really? Weren’t the ETERNALS just Kirby not being allowed to do the 4th World? I don’t know. Everyone has their favorite Kirby era, I guess -- mine’s 4th World. Black Racer, you know -- black paraplegic guy traveling through space on skis. How can you not fucking just love that?
EXILES #28 $2.99
HULK THE MOVIE ADAPTATION $3.50
MARVEL MASTERWORKS CAPTAIN AMERICA VOL 1 2ND ED HC $49.99
MARVEL MASTERWORKS CAPTAIN AMERICA VOL 1 HC VAR DUST JACKET $54.99
I was worried about dust collecting on my Captain America hardcover Masterworks. Now, if only they’d come up with a way to protect my shirts because sometimes I keep pens in the front pocket of my dress shirts, and… if only they could invent a … pocket protector, of some sort. Well, then, I’d just talk about Dr. Who all day long…
NEW X-MEN #142 $2.25
Buying this. Chris Bachalo’s on the art team now? I’ve mentioned missing the old-school Vertigo-era Bachalo (he moved past those styles, so it’s not really him so much as me, I guess), but it’ll be interesting to see Bachalo work with Morrison. I’m trying to remember if they ever worked together before.
I get this for Grant Morrison, who’s been my favorite writer in comics for the last, god, eight or nine years, or… no, more than that. More than a decade? When was he doing DOOM PATROL? God, I don’t know how long. I don’t really give a shit about the stupid-ass X-MEN, but I can’t help but follow Morrison just because he usually redefines and owns whatever he’s working on.
PARADISE X #11 $2.99
SPIDER-GIRL #61 $2.99
STARTLING STORIES THING NIGHT FALLS ON YANCY ST #1 (Of 4) $3.50
This is Evan Dorkin and Dean Haspiel. I don’t know much about it, but I’m curious. That’s a hell of a pedigree -- both alternative artists. I’m mostly familiar with Haspiel’s BILLY DOGMA, a very strange and sort of funny over-the-top thing. But I’ve heard good things about KEYHOLE, of course. I think I’ve read a little of OPPOSOBLE THUMBS, as well, an autobio thing he did. Oh, and he’s had work in those TOP SHELF anthologies, I believe. Good artist.
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #42 $2.25
UNCANNY X-MEN #425 $2.25
I really have to link to this Paul O’Brien review about the last issue of this book, which was apparently -- like, I want to go look at the comic because part of me doesn’t believe the review could possibly truly be stating what that issue is about. Like -- surely that couldn’t have been published. Here’s a snippet of the review:
“Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, ‘Wow. That's an incredibly stupid storyline.’ And do you know what? It's even worse on the page.”
WOLVERINE SNIKT #2 (Of 6) $2.99
X-MEN UNLIMITED #48 $2.50
WIZARD
INQUEST GAMER MAGIC SCOURGE CVR #99 $4.99
INQUEST GAMER YU-GI-OH CVR #99 $4.99
YAAAAWN… last month or no, this list is boringsville. It’s JUNE, man. I’ve been waiting for JUNE. So many good books are coming out in the next couple months. Every week now is going to be me waiting to see if BLANKETS came out…
COMICS
ALICE IN SEXLAND EXTREME #2 (A) $3.50
Thank god ALICE IN SEXLAND’s not going to be so damn vanilla anymore.
ALRAUNE #6 (A) $3.50
AMERIMANGA VOL 4 $7.99
BACKSTREET BOYS BACKSTREET PROJECT #1 $9.95
Are they still together? Aren’t they all in Rehab? Is the Backstreet Project getting through rehab? Is this some Stan Lee Media thing?
BANZAI GIRL LTD ED PHOTO CVR SGN #4 (Of 4) $12.00
BEAR #1 $2.95
BECKETTS BASEBALL CARD PLUS #8 TP $9.99
BECKETTS BASKETBALL CARD PLUS #7 TP $9.99
BRIDE OF DEIMOS GN #4 $9.95
CHALAND ANTHOLOGY VOL 1 HC $24.95
COMIC BOOK LETTERING THE COMICRAFT WAY $9.95
Oh man, GETTING FIRED FROM LETTERING: THE EVERYONE WAY. Does any letterer still have their, you know, job? It seems like letterers are just getting fired left and right lately. That seems like one rough gig right now, man. I don’t know much about it. I wish I knew more about the situation with the letterers.
DEADBEATS #59 $2.50
DEATHMASK #2 $2.99
DF TRANSFORMERS WAR WITHIN LENTICULAR COVER SGN #1 $29.99
Huh, what does LENTICULAR mean again? Nothing. According to the dictionary? It means nothing.
I see: TRANSFORMERS WAR WITHIN has a cover made out of nothingness. So, what Optimus Prime is actually saying is that there’s no such thing as the soul.
My god, the Dynamic Forces guy is right. This really is the bestest art form EVER, Skippy!
FIRST #32 $2.95
I went to look at a preview of this CrossGen comic because I noticed it was drawn by Ron Wagner. I remember him having drawn comics well way back in the day (THE NTH MAN? What the HELL was that?) Anyway -- seriously: can someone look at the second page of this comic and please tell me what’s keeping the costume covering the girl’s tits? My theory is the bra-thing is metal and the girl’s tits are somehow magnetized by being choked to death by some creepy CrossGen guido with the mullet. H-how?
HALO & SPROCKET #4 $2.95
JANES WORLD #6 $2.95
JUGHEAD WITH ARCHIE DIGEST #184 $2.39
LAST KISS #4 $4.99
LITTLE WHITE MOUSE OPEN SPACE #4 (Of 4) $2.95
LURID #3 (MR) $2.99
MARSHAL LAW FEAR AND LOATHING GN NEW PTG (O/A) (MR) $19.95
I like MARSHAL LAW. It was a post-WATCHMEN end-of-superhero-genre work, back in the late 80s when it seemed like they were about to have the final word on superheros. Or when they DID have the final word, I guess. The art’s by Kevin O’Neal who’d go on to work with Alan Moore (who I think said he liked this series, as well) on LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN, the basis of this summer’s Sean Connery embarrassment!
MERIDIAN TRAVELER VOL 2 GOING TO GROUND $9.95
METALLIX #5 $3.50
MIRACLEMAN ALAN MOORE ARC PACK $29.95
MIRACLEMAN APOCRYPHA #1-3 SET $14.95
MYSTIC #37 $2.95
MYSTIC TRAVELER VOL 1 TP RITE OF PASSAGE $9.95
MYSTIQUE SGN #1 $19.99
Dude: this guy’s going to save comics. Do you want to have a hobby where this is the guy saving it? Or retailers that would support such a guy? Or fans who would buy this thing instead of, what, 6 actual comics? Its insane.
NIGHTMARES AND FAIRY TALES #5 $2.95
ONEGAI TEACHER GN #2 $9.95
PALS N GALS DOUBLE DIGEST #76 $3.59
PETEY #1 $2.95
POISON ELVES LTD ED SKETCHBOOK $12.00
POPBOT #4 (MR) $7.99
POPBOT VOL 1 DLX S&N HC ED (MR) $75.00
This is an art-driven series by Ashley Wood, formerly of AUTOMATIC KAFKA. Apparently, the last issue of KAFKA was the series’s final issue -- I had no idea. And it was HILARIOUS. Because the creators of the comic, Joe Casey and Ashley Wood, they show up in the comic ala too many comics to bother mentioning (but really, come on: ANIMAL MAN), and the creators talk and talk and talk -- and the character just standing around and barely has room to say anything. Like, FINALLY, the stars have arrived.
Here’s the book’s explanation why KAFKA had to be brought into the world to begin with: ”You’re part of an ongoing marketing experiment. Kids aren’t flocking to superheroes like they used to, so now we’ve got superheros for adults, well almost adults.”
Oh. Well, I sure am going to miss that … ongoing marketing experiment. Nothing gets me more excited than ongoing marketing experiments.
But that’s not the funny part. The funny part is the ending. The creators disintegrate KAFKA so that other creators can’t revive him in the future… in case, you know, other creators want to bring back the star of a comic that got cancelled after 9 issues that no one seemed to really like or understand. Sure, it was only a matter of time, after all, before someone wanted this winning lottery ticket.
So then we get this line, which I really just… love: ”We did what we set out to do.”
… I only read about four or five issues of the comic… so… what was that exactly? It wasn’t to publish a successful comic because it just got cancelled. And I didn’t see the last issue coming so it wasn’t to tell a complete story because it seems like it cut off pretty harsh mid-story. I mean, if by success you mean “the printer didn’t burn it”…
You know, the WHY DOES THIS EXIST question. The best answer they put forward is “Ongoing marketing experiment.” That’s -- that’s pretty inspiring.
As far as I could ever tell, AUTOMATIC KAFKA was a mature-audience superhero comic about how the idea of mature-audience superhero comics is inherently ridiculous. Maybe I’m mis-reading it, but … What?
QUEEN & COUNTRY #16 (MR) $2.99
Buying this. Okay, I got it wrong last time -- this arc has art by Carla Mcneill who does a well-received science fiction comic I don’t read called FINDER.
QUEEN AND COUNTRY is, in my opinion, the best ongoing comic coming out right now. It’s a smart espionage series set in the present world of British intelligence. The heavily researched writing by Greg Rucka and the usually top-notch rotating artists manage to make the behind-the-scenes decision-making both realistic, ordinary to the world of the comic, and deadly fucking exciting.
R A SALVATORE DEMON WARS VOL 2 #2 EYE FOR AN EYE (Of 5) $2.95
RAIJIN COMICS #25 (MR) $4.95
RECORD OF LODOSS WAR WELCOME TO LODOSS ISLAND BOOK TWO GN $15.95
RED PROWLING DEVIL GN #4 $9.95
SABRINA VOL 2 #46 $2.19
SANDSCAPE #4 $2.95
SHONEN JUMP VOL 1 #7 JULY 2003 $4.95
Buying this. SHONEN JUMP is an anthology of the most popular young boy’s manga in the history of one of Japan’s most widely circulated manga magazines (and in Japan, comics are circulated in the zillions not in the tens of thousands). This English version includes the best selling manga of all time, ONE PIECE, a pirate comic I’m particularly fascinated by.
I’m figuring since this is the last time I’m writing about all this stuff, I should do it proper-like. Sound like an infomercial though.
TRANSFORMERS GENERATION ONE VOL 1 HC $49.99
TRUE STORY SWEAR TO GOD #5 RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS $2.95
TRUE STORY SWEAR TO GOD’s a nice autobio series about a guy meeting the person who’d become his wife. It’s, like, heartfelt. Haha, yeah, it doesn’t sound good when I say that. I don’t know I can sell “heartfelt.”
VAMPI #11 DLX ED (O/A) $9.95
VAMPI #12 DLX ED (O/A) $9.95
VAMPIRE DAHLIA VOL 1 GN $16.95
WARLANDS VOL 3 #6 $2.95
WAY OF THE RAT #14 $2.95
WEAPONS OF THE GODS GN #6 $13.95
XIN JOURNEY OF THE MONKEY KING #2 LAU CVR $2.99
XIN JOURNEY OF THE MONKEY KING #2 LTD ED CVR $2.99
ZEET #1 $2.95
CONCLUSION
Well, I got to rush off, but yeah: last month.
Twelve months. One year. The Non-Augies ComicBookResources.com tradition, I call it. I don’t know who started the tradition -- ironically enough, if I had to guess, I’d guess Warren Ellis, which is sort of a ha-ha thing thinking about how many cheap gags I scored off a bad BAD SIGNAL or five, but I think it’s a good tradition and one I honestly intended to follow since the very first column I wrote. 11 months down, so…
Three or Four more weeks to go. I don’t know. How long’s June? I’ll just do all June, I figure…
Glover-style, man. Glover-style… I’m going to be on an exploding toilet tomorrow, if Danny Glover’s to be believed. I don’t want to die on the toilet, man.
Next week on Title Bout: Tick…. Tick…. Tick….
Haha -- well, I’m getting a kick out of this being over anyway…
You can begin dancing on the ol’ grave whenever you want… I understand. If you didn’t like this column? Dance away. And if you did like this column, well… my demands are quite simple: FOUR MILLION DOLLARS. And you know, preferably in 10s or 20s, maybe some 5s… 5s would be good… My demands are simple… haha… yeah…
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