It’s like a soothing day at the goddamn Nature Company. I feel like I’d have to drink herbal tea. Listen to the sounds of whales. EEEEEEEEEEE! Just trying to get you in the mood for the comics.

BTVS CHAOS BLEEDS ONE SHOT ART CVR $2.99
BTVS CHAOS BLEEDS ONE SHOT PHOTO CVR $2.99

It’s chaos’s time of the month? If I were one of the GLOW wrestlers? i.e. One of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling? That’d be the thing I’d yell at the other GLOW wrestlers. I’d yell “IT MUST BE CHAOS’S TIME OF THE MONTH, BITCH.”

GRENDEL GOD & THE DEVIL #5 (Of 10) (MR) $3.50

DC COMICS

Oh – oh, thank God. I remembered the National Geographic joke. I wake up this morning and start working on the ol’ Title Bout, and I have this nagging feeling:

“Didn’t I have a joke about National Geographic? What was that joke supposed to be?”

This is what it’s like to write a comic column. You think of a joke, then you FORGET it, and then you spend a day with…

”Hey, Superman’s tits remind me of the girls in National Geograph -- no, that wasn’t it. The new Teen Titans comic sucks so fast it’s like watching a gazelle getting gnawed on by a cheetah on the National Geographic channel? Not it. GODDAMN. WHY CAN’T YOU REMEMBER???”

This was my day. This was seriously my day.

“Green Lantern sure does suck. Also: National Geographic. Maybe if I just WEDGE IN NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC IT’LL BE EXCORCISED FROM MY MIND!!! QUIT HAUNTING ME!”

But I just went to the grocery -- bought some ravioli and some bottled water. I don’t know what comes out of the tap but I’m not drinking out of the same pipes I pee into. Especially with all the food dye I’m peeing because I’m pretty sure that’s not… And I went to the grocery store, and I remembered.

AND THE JOKE SUCKS. It’s not even that funny. I don’t even like it. It’s hardly even a joke. But now I’m LOCKED into it because (a) it hurt me so much, and (b) because I’ll throw any shitty ass non-joke into this column, who am I fucking kidding.

So -- watch for the National Geographic gag this week. It’s a -- it’s a real winner. That’s my little tip for you. Think of this portion as the DVD commentary for the later portion. ”I could talk about the creative things that occurred to me while writing the movie, or the funny stories about directing, but instead-- see the guy in the corner of the screen scratching himself? I went to high school with that guy!!” Oh, DVD commentaries-- you’re so helpful….

AQUAMAN #7 $2.50

BATGIRL YEAR ONE #7 (Of 9) $2.95
BATMAN LEGENDS OF THE DARK KNIGHT #168 $2.50

BLOOD AND WATER #4 (Of 5) (MR) $2.95

I bet when National Geographic executives cut themselves shaving, there’s blood and water, the water being water from the sink where they-

Nah, I’m just fuckin’ with you. Just testing to see if you were paying attention. “Not it,” as the kids like to say.

COWBOY WALLY SHOW SC (MR) $14.95

Oh man, Cowboy Wally? This is Kyle Baker’s famous graphic novel about an overweight television cowboy. Remember when this was just some legend? This used to just be an urban legend. Because they didn’t print a lot, or something, and it was hard to find a copy. But anyone who did find a copy would just quote from it like a nitwit.

So it was like an urban legend. A boy and a girl would be making out in the woods, and the COWBOY WALLY SHOW would leave a hook on their car door. Or sometimes, COWBOY WALLY drives around town with its headlights off, and if you flash your headlights at it -- IT FUCKING KILLS YOU, DUDE. Or Iraq possessed a COWBOY WALLY program and they were capable of inflicting COWBOY WALLY onto all of us, and once we invade Iraq we’ll find all these copies of COWBOY WALLY just hanging around, plain as day, and then won’t all those people saying Iraq doesn’t have any COWBOY WALLY comics look foolish. Yeah, urban legends man. This comic used to be an urban legend.

It’s Kyle Baker, and -- I vascillate between who does the best comedies, and right now, if you asked me, I’m very much in a Peter Bagge mode. I’d say Bagge. But Kyle Baker’s not that far off – it depends who I read last sometimes.

COWBOY WALLY’s not as good as WHY I HATE SATURN to me, but it’s got more “Gut-laugh funny” moments, if I remember right.

See: I don’t own a copy anymore. COWBOY WALLY is the only comic I’ve ever given as a gift. Which -- granted, it’s because I forgot it was this girl’s birthday, and I was rushing out the door and just grabbing anything that looked like it’d do… but she did like it. So...

There was that rumor a long while back that Baker wanted to do a sequel. I’m not sure what I thought of that. He’s changed his style so much since then -- he’s less gag-oriented now. WALLY’s just gag after gag, and so many of them work… I don’t know if that’s happening still or not, what with Baker doing some sort of monthly PLASTIC MAN thing…

EVEN MORE SECRET ORIGINS 80 PAGE GIANT $6.95

EVEN MORE? Doesn’t EVEN MORE just sound like who ever came up with it is a bit disgusted by how many SECRET ORIGINS they’ve lived through? Do you ever say EVEN MORE about something good? EVEN MORE GIRLS? EVEN MORE CHOCOLATE? EVEN MORE BOOZE? EVEN MORE… I’m out of good things. I’ve run out of the good things in life. I got to THREE, and I’m out. And one of those was chocolate? Really?

FABLES #14 (MR) $2.50

FILTH #11 (Of 13) (MR) $2.95

Oh, I won’t be around when this finishes up. Well, I wouldn’t know what to say about it really even if I were. This is Grant Morrison and Chris Weston’s series for DC Vertigo about a lonely, depressed middle-aged man caught in the machinations of a behind-the-scenes organization whose job it is to preserve the status quo.

What’s interesting to me about this series is that Morrison didn’t really write for the trade. He’s capable of writing for a trade -- he did with KILL YOUR BOYFRIEND, say, his original graphic novel, or that other one… MYSTERY PLAY?

I like getting Morrison in issues. I like how he treats an issue as his playground, in a way you couldn’t for a trade.

Like, last issue Morrison talked about those studies where they gave people religious experiences by stimulating parts of their brains, which -- I saw this fascinating documentary on HBO, I think, about people who experienced it and how they reconciled what felt like talking with God with an essentially technological event-- it makes you want to try it, but apparently it doesn’t work on everyone; Morrison wove that with his “biotech will turn us all into superheroes” hippie stuff; threw a twist into the overall plot; played with reader format expectations visa vi word balloons; and had a “superhero” expose himself frontally to a hostage. And that was by page 8.

Would that be as much fun in a trade, when that “what happens next” instinct’s taken over? Who knows?

GEN 13 #10 $2.95
GOTHAM CENTRAL #8 $2.50
GREEN ARROW #27 $2.50
GREEN LANTERN BROTHERS KEEPER TP $12.95
HERO #5 $2.50
HUNTER AGE OF MAGIC #24 (MR) $2.75
JSA #49 $2.50
MAD XL #22 $4.99
NIGHTWING #82 $2.25
SCOOBY DOO #73 $2.25

STORMWATCH TEAM ACHILLES #12 (MR) $2.95

Buying this: Oh, I picked up the last issue of this last week. I’ve been irregular with this series -- I hadn’t seen the last few, but I picked up the last one to check out the art.

The last one was sort of good, though. They have this new artist -- C.P. Smith, and last issue he was inked by Bill Sienkiewicz. The new guy’s good, especially because of the colors. I like what Jeromy Cox is doing here a LOT; Smith and he complement each other well, I think.

The last issue set up a hostage situation. The interesting thing about this book, which is about a UN-sponsored military team specializing in Wildstorm universe superhero type stuff, is how it tries to think through situations from a more military-realistic perspective. You get to see people discuss tactics before going into a fight, which I think is fun, watching characters think. Some of the issues I’d seen earlier had kinks or things I hadn’t liked, but I liked that last issue. I might have to hop back on this book.

SUPERMAN AND BATMAN GENERATIONS III #6 (Of 12) $2.95
SUPERMAN RED SON #2 (Of 3) $5.95

THUNDERCATS RECLAIMING THUNDERA TP $12.95

See, now all the people waiting for a trade can RECLAIM THUNDERA for themselves. And who are they reclaiming it from? The hard-workin’ blue collar comic fans. Those blue bloods with their trades and their limousines and their French maids just stickin’ it to the blue collar, real man, month to month comic fans. That’s all it is.

Is that what comics are going to turn into? Some weird caste system where poor people help comic companies eat their losses until they can get trades ready for rich people? Man, we’re halfway to LOGAN’S RUN. It starts with the RECLAIMING THUNDERA and it ends with Michael York running around in LOGAN’S RUN screaming “RUNNER!!”

That’s no good… That’s no good at all…

TITANS YOUNG JUSTICE GRADUATION DAY #3 (Of 3) $2.50

TOKYO STORM WARNING #1 (Of 3) $2.95

Buying this, I guess: What’s the deal with this series? I thought this was supposed to be some joke series-- one of those “piss takes” or “Take the piss” or whatever that urine-related expression the British have is. I think it was a urine-take on Japanese robot/monster shit, which I took to mean a parody.

But I’ve seen early reviews taking it pretty seriously, so... I’m a bit confused what this is exactly.

Anyway, I like some Japanese robot/monster shit, and Warren Ellis has seen the two I like -- written about EVANGELION and FLCL (which I think is really, really great), so I’m mainly just getting this to see if any Gainax influence comes through. That and he’s working with some artist from the TRANSFORMER comics, so it’ll be curious to see what one of those guys will do on an original book. Though the early designs I saw didn’t do much for me. But yeah… this might be something.

IMAGE

POWERS #32 (MR) $2.95

Buying this. I thought the last issue was very, very funny and very, very cool. I usually think that about POWERS, I guess.

Since it’s the last chance to talk about it: this is by Brian Michael Bendis and Michael Avon Oeming. I’d seen Oeming’s work prior to POWERS on SHIP OF FOOLS and FOOT SOLDIERS, but I was as unprepared by the leap he made from those books to POWERS, as I was unprepared from seeing how much better he got from that first issue of POWERS to what he’s doing now. Oeming’s art is a treat.

And Bendis…I could go on for page after page after page of all the things I think he’s done right over the years. I don’t think its some accident he’s the most popular writer in comics right now -- I think he’s done an awful lot of things right. And it’s been fun to watch. Picking up the last issue of GOLDFISH on a whim, and getting knocked on my ass by it is one of the best memories I have reading comics. Just that massive “Who the fuck is this guy?” feeling. It’s what I look for everytime I go into the comic shop, a feeling that good. I wish he had the time for his own work. I miss it.

I don’t know. I could go on for pages. I don’t get geeky over characters. I don’t care what happens to Spider-Man or whoever. I get geeky over creators. I’m geeky over Bendis. I’m geeky over a LOT of people. I don’t understand buying comics any other way.

SOUL OF A SAMURAI #1 (Of 4) $5.95

TOMB RAIDER #31 $2.99

MARVEL

HEY EVERYBODY: Spiderman’s a bastard!!!

For folks who’ve been out of the loop: Marvel, who hasn’t been shy for “controversy”… which let’s just address right off the bat because the hardcore comic fans are pretending to be alienated by the “controversies” Marvel likes to pull -- the gay cowboys, the racist Captain America experiments on black people, Henry Kissinger hitting it from behind, Iron Man dating little boys, etc.

Hardcore fans are pretending that this somehow distances them from Marvel. Which is, of course, untrue. Why don’t hardcore fans realize this is untrue? Because, as has been widely recognized, hardcore comic fans don’t deal with the ladies, too well.

How do you treat the ladies if you want to do well with the gals? You treat them like shit. Where I’m from, which is Earth, we have this saying: “Treat ‘em like shit and they’ll come runnin’.”

Marvel’s treating you like shit, hardcore comic fans? You may say you don’t like it when you’re talking to your girlfriends, but late at night, when the lights are off, Henry Kissinger’s going to be right behind you, if you get my drift… there’ll be some Secret Bombing of yer Cam-body-a going on then, if you get where I’m going with this…

So, Marvel’s latest: Mark Millar’s doing a “romance” comic with the Dodsons (sounds like they should be robbing a train, doesn’t it?) where they show Aunt May from the SPIDER-MAN comics as a teen in the 70s (she’s the most wrinkly, illness prone 50 year old ever?).

And as a teen, her and Spider-Man’s mom apparently steal some liquor out of their parents’s liquor cabinet and go on some sort of teen fuck-binge, `70s-style (read: dudes with sideburns and bellbottoms). Some boy’s webshooters makes one of their spider-senses start to “tingle,” and yaddah yaddah yaddah… with great power cums teen ass, apparently; one of them gets knocked up out of wedlock. The “romance” comic might even throw in some good ol’fashioned abortin’! EXCELSIOR!!!

Here’s the weird thing: I’m the only one enjoying this story. Because the Marvel people have this press conference, and it reads like a funeral. Marvel’s DEAD SERIOUS about this teen fuckslut comic they’re putting together. Here’s a quote from Bill Jemas, whose on, what, Diazepam now??:

“ It still leaves the question, is it the origin of Spider-Man? Right now, we don't know. I don't think the answer to that question should be up to Joe, or Mark, or Terry, or Axel, or me. We think the final answer ought to come from the comic book community, based on the acceptance of the story.”

Marvel’s treating this like they’re translating the Dead Sea Scrolls because IT COULD BE THE ORIGIN OF SPIDERMAN. Because the origin is when the sperm meets the egg, you see. Radioactive spider schmider-- I need to see the INSERTION of the dad’s hoo-hoo into the mom’s hee-hee, otherwise I really don’t even understand the character’s whole motivation, man.

It’s all very serious, though. They’re changing their whole printing system. It’s Marvel’s outreach for girls. ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY and the WASHINGTON POST are going to do stories. President Bush is going to land a fighter jet onto a teen girl’s ass, somehow avoiding Henry Kissinger. IT’S ALL VERY IMPORTANT! IT’S SO GODDAMN IMPORTANT I JUST WANT YOU TO SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID KIDS AND THE FACT THEY CAN WALK NOW, AND GIVE IT UP FOR SPIDER-MAN’S MOM GETTING KNOCKED UP!!!

And then the comic fans…The best response I found -- and I went looking for it... I went trolling for outraged fanboys like Henry Kissinger trolls the mall for teen ass (where is this Kissinger stuff coming from???), and I was going to, you know -- I was going to places you shouldn’t go. Horrible nerd dungeons. The best I saw, roughly paraphrasing:

“Thanks, Marvel, for trying to teach my kids how to raid my liquor cabinet.”

I almost shit blood myself after that one. Even my ass blood would have been laughing at that, though. If ass blood could laugh, that is. I think it’d evolve the ability to. I find it that funny. Sad: if any little kid probably needed a stiff drink, I’d nominate…

As for the comic itself, reviews are sprouting up all over, and I’ve heard about it independently from a few people who’ve seen it. I’ve seen one dominant theme to the reviews: the reviewer likes the comic, and then goes on to say “It’s like DIRTY DANCING!”

… I’m almost afraid to talk shit about DIRTY DANCING now. I had no idea so many comic columnists held DIRTY DANCING in such high regard, but … but if I say anything about Swayze-Grey, Don McPherson’s going to jump me, and yell “BABY DOESN’T SIT IN THE CORNER FOR ANYBODY” at me and you know… dirty dance me to death as maybe only he can.

It seems so silly, but… people seem to like the comic, at least. It’s not what I look for in a romance thing, though. For romantic comedy in movies, I think three people: Billy Wilder, Cameron Crowe and Richard Curtis. This isn’t what they do. This sounds like DAWSON’S CREEK or the aforementioned Swayze-Grey collaboration.

I hear it’s nice. I have doubts. Does it matter? For all the talk, how many people were that into RAWHIDE KID or … I liked the TRUTH but people just harshed that one. The controversies seem to work to keep the fans buzzing about Marvel, but the actual controversy books… no real hits there, it doesn’t seem like… I’m no expert on that shit, though.

ALIAS VOL 3 THE UNDERNEATH TP $16.99

CAPTAIN AMERICA #14 $2.99

This issue, Captain America gets impregnated with Baby Doctor Doom.

DOMINO #2 $2.50

Yeah, buying this: this is a series that’s been dumped, basically, is my understanding. It was commissioned under a prior editorial regime, I think I read. But -- Brian Stelfreeze, who is an artist I’ve enjoyed for years and years, doing a full-on action comic? I’m down for the action. First issue was pretty… If you like the action comic, the character hardly seems to even have superpowers…

ELEKTRA VOL 2 EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN TP $16.99
EXILES VOL 4 LEGACY TP $12.99

HUMAN TORCH #3 $2.50

This issue, Human Torch tries to give birth to his sister, the Invisible Girl, only she’s trapped inside his uterus because her fetus will be burned by his HUMAN TORCH torch-canal if she comes out the normal way, so Human Torch has to have Doctor Strange perform a Caesarian section. Which is going well until Dread Dormammu attacks. Luckily, the fetus has a few tricks up her sleeves.

INCREDIBLE HULK #55 PI

Do you read the Onion? They NAILED the Comic Fan Response to the Hulk in their June 4th Edition; and this is a response I’ve seen from even the most sophisticated of comic fans under the headline Friend Gearing Up To Hate The Hulk. It’s a small story, but here’s the relevant excerpt:

"Maybe it'll be good, but I'm bracing for the worst," Linden told friend Paul Comello Monday. "The CGI makes him look like Shrek.”

Doesn’t that just NAIL it? How many times have you heard that goddamn SHREK thing from people? I’ve heard it at my store. I’ve seen it from snobbier comic fans. I’ve seen it all over. And I got to thinking about why I’m disturbed each and every time I hear it, and I finally figured it out:

”The Incredible Hulk looks computer generated. The Incredible Hulk doesn’t look like a REAL Incredible Hulk. I know what a REAL Incredible Hulk looks like, I see him all the time in National Geographic, and that doesn’t look like a REAL Incredible Hulk… why, that looks like a computer-generated facsimile!”

That was it. That was the whole thing. ALL GODDAMN DAY, wandering around with the National Geographic this and National Geographic that and that was it. A Hulk-Shrek joke. Oh goddamnit, man… sweet, sugary jesus…

Shut up about the Hulk not looking real! It’s the HULK. It CAN’T look real. There’s NO SUCH THING AS A REAL HULK, you self-loathing.

Check out that meltdown the Hulk movie’s causing over at Aint It Cool News. That’s wild, isn’t it? Morons are stealing a bad version of the movie on the computer already, and then Aint It Cool News said they were wrong to. And then everyone and their mother said “What? Your whole site’s BUILT on stealing! That’s why we like it.” And now they’re in damage control because of they’re readership seems pissed off.

Apparently the difference between them and other thieves is they’re PROFESSIONAL JOURNALISTS who are trying to get the SCOOPS… which… well, I like that site, and I honestly really like the “Moriarty’s” writing, in particular, so I’ll just wish them good luck with that argument…

IRON MAN #69 $2.99

This issue, Iron Man fucks. The WASHINGTON POST is doing a story. Page 1 News. Page 1 of the Who Gives a Fuck section, but still… Take what you can get.

KINGPIN #1 (Of 6) $2.50

In this issue, the Kingpin’s bastula becomes a gastrula, which is sort of like a hollow ball of cells in the meiotic phase, I believe… BIOCHEMISTRY MAJOR IN COLLEGE, bitch!! Finally, it comes in handy. It comes in handy for comic book humor.

MARVEL UNIVERSE THE END #6 (Of 6) $2.99
MARY JANE HC $14.99
PUNISHER #28 $2.99
PUNISHER VOL 2 HC $29.99

ULTIMATE X-MEN #34 $2.25

Is this Bendis’s arc? I’m not sure. Maybe to probably. I don’t really follow the Ultimate stuff besides the ULTIMATES, but … I can’t really imagine the Bendis X-Men, so maybe it’ll be fun to see him try to stretch onto a team book.

X-MEN RONIN #5 (Of 5) $2.99

WIZARD

COMICS

You know, I really like this title. I’m trying to think of a joke, but this just makes me laugh. I don’t even want to make fun of this one. What is this? OH, it’s Dean Haspiel! I was trying (feebly) to talk about him last week. It’s one of his Billy Dogma books. Haspiel’s an interesting creator, one I really need to investigate more. I think his autobio stuff might be preferable to the Billy Dogma stuff (which is sort of a fun, exaggerated thing moreso), but nonetheless…

AKIKO #50 $3.50
ALAN MOORES ANOTHER SUBURBAN ROMANCE GN (MR) $7.95

ALEX TOTH READER VOL 1 SC $25.00

If you don’t know who Alex Toth is, and you’re interested in drawing comics, you want to study Alex Toth. I’ll just leave it at that since I’d probably sound like an idiot if I tried to explain the “whys.”

ALIEN FIRE & ACID BATH GN SET (MR) PI
AMERICAS GREATEST COMICS #6 $6.95
ARCHIE MYSTERIES #28 $2.19
ARTESIA AFIRE #1 (Of 6) (MR) $3.95
ARTESIA VOL 1 TP CURR PRTG (MR) $24.95
BEST OF THE WEST #36 $6.95
BETTY & VERONICA #189 $2.19
BETTY & VERONICA DIGEST #139 $2.39

BLANKETS! BLANKETS! BLANKETS! Have to start chanting early like it’s a rock show, man. Get the beach ball going… any week now, right?

BIPOLAR #4 $2.95

What is this series? I’ve seen this, I think. Nice covers? Where have I seen this? It’s an alternative comic. Maybe they sell it at the Giant Robot store. I want to look into this, at some point…

BRAIN POWERED VOL 1 GN (Of 3) $9.99
BRIAN PULIDO LADY DEATH #5 $2.95
CARDCAPTOR SAKURA MASTER OF THE CLOW VOL 5 GN (Of 6) $9.99
CAVEWOMAN PANGAEAN SEA RED FOIL CVR #6 PI
CEREBUS #289 & #290 $4.50
CGE TRAVELERS DISPLAY #1 PRODUCT PACK PI

CHARLIE CHAN RETURN OF KEENO $9.50

Speaking of racist stereotypes, Steven Spielberg still hates Indians. Why? What the fuck we ever do to him? The Nazi thing in his movies, I get, because he’s Jewish, but what the FUCK did Indians ever do to Spielberg?

I’m reading the movie news the other day at some website or another, when I come across this little casting tidbit for Spielberg’s upcoming film with Tom Hanks, TERMINAL, which takes place at an airport terminal (I can’t remember what site I took this from):

” Among the characters that the productions are searching for are:

Gupta: An East Indian man in his 70s, Gupta works as a custodian in the JFK International Terminal. Crude, rude and thoroughly irascible, Gupta views Viktor with dislike and suspicion, rebuffing his friendly overtures. Ironically, Gupta becomes one of Viktor's closest friends during his months of exile at the airport. The casting notes that actors wishing for consideration for this part ‘must be authentically East Indian, able to speak English with a Hindi accent.’”

So far, so good. They want to have a funny Indian character. I like funny Indian characters. OFFICE SPACE had a funny Indian character. Who doesn’t like OFFICE SPACE? And man, wouldn’t it be great if they got Om Puri to act opposite Tom Hanks? That’d be good times, huh?

Oh wait, I forgot-- Steven Spielberg hates Indians:

“They’re looking for an extremely off-looking man, ‘not unlike someone you’d see in the side show of a circus. The actor should have lousy teeth, be either unusually tall or unusually short. For that matter, he could even have a goiter.’ … this is the oddest note we’ve seen in a while for a lead role.”

Do you understand that? The bit about CIRCUS FREAK SIDE SHOW INDIAN WITH GOITER? That was from a CASTING NOTICE. That’s what they’re ASKING FOR, not any old Indian guy. They want a real FREAKISH-looking one. Because otherwise people might not get that Indian people are BAD.

The bad guys in Spielberg’s movies, looking at all the films he’s made -- who are the bad guys? Either Nazis (MINORITY REPORT was about Facists, so basically Nazis), dinosaurs, sharks… or Indians. INDIANA JONES 2? EVIL, EVIL INDIANS. What the hell did we ever do to that asshole? Did Indians make his fucking parents get divorced? What did we do? We didn’t cut off your foreskin, dude -- that wasn’t our idea. I don’t know whose idea that was, but that shit’s between y’all.

Like, I’m hardly the most sensitive guy out there, but “side show of a circus?” Spielberg’s people actually wrote that down. On paper! So I wrote an e-mail to some Indian American political group asking if anyone was doing anything about it, but they were all too busy studying for the MCAT, so no response… (And any political group of any smarts won’t protest BEFORE something happens because they’ll make more money protesting after the fact…)

The movie’ll probably suck, too. Spielberg’s last, what, four or five in a row haven’t been any good, basically. CATCH ME was only okay if you have no idea how badly he butchered the book. MINORITY REPORT was almost good then he butchered the ending. AI… jesus, dude… It must be sad when you used to be THAT talented, as talented as RAIDERS and that whole string of hits he started things off with, and then you’re not anymore.

CHIMERA #4 (Of 4) $2.95
CHOBITS VOL 6 GN (Of 8) $9.99
CLAMP SCHOOL DETECTIVES VOL 2 GN (OF 3) (PU#567) $9.99
COMIC BOOK HEAVEN COLL HC FLEE PUNY HUMANS $19.95
COWBOY BEBOP SHOOTING STARS VOL 2 GN (Of 2) $9.99

DARK DAYS #1 30 DAYS OF NIGHT SEQUEL (MR) $3.99

Haha -- nice job in labeling this. Yeah, buying this. 30 DAYS OF NIGHT might not have had my favorite ending ever, but it had one of the best premises horror comics have seen in a long time. I’ll see what those guys do next, absolutely. It’s by Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith. You should check it out; bound to be entertaining…

DARKNESS #20 S&N BENITEZ VARIANT ED PI
DF ULTIMATES THE ULTIMATE WAR CGC GRADED 9.6 SGN PI
DFE DARKNESS PRELUDE HAND DRAWN SKETCH CVR #1 $69.99
DICK TRACY A SPOILED BRAT $9.50
DICK TRACY AND SCOTTIE OF SCOTLAND YARD $9.50
DICK TRACY DANGEROUS DOLLS $9.50
DIGIMON VOL 3 GN (Of 12) $9.99
DRAGON HUNTER VOL 1 GN $9.99
DRAGON KNIGHTS VOL 8 GN (Of 17) $9.99
ELVIRA #122 $2.50
FADE FROM BLUE #7 $1.50

FATHOM SWIMSUIT SPECIAL SAN DIEGO CON 02 TURNER SGN ED $24.99

Ughhhh…

FEMFORCE RAMPAGING SHE CAT #1 $6.95

Marvel should sue…

FINDER #31 (MR) $2.95
GENUS #59 (A) (Note Price) $3.50
G-GUNDAM VOL 1 GN (Of 3) $9.99

GINGER HILL ATTACKS ONE SHOT (RES) (MR) $4.95

Did I go to high school with Ginger Hill? Who the hell is Ginger Hill? … Oh, google has all answers:

“Ginger Hill only stuck around the porn scene for a brief time, beginning in 1995. She confined herself to working only with her fellow femmes, quickly establishing herself as one of the most entrancing lesbian performers around.”

She’s an ex-star of lesbian porn who is now … attacking. So, she probably has a strap on she can beat you over the head with until you die. Dildo-wielding lesbian porno ex-star’s attacking? MOVE OVER 30 DAYS OF NIGHT!!! WE JUST FOUND SOME COMPETITION FOR THE HORROR CROWN.

GOLD DIGGER PKT MANGA VOL 10 $12.95
GOLDEN AGE GLAMOR & ACTION PACK #1 $24.95
GTO VOL 12 GN (Of 25) $9.99

HAPPY MANIA VOL 2 GN (Of 5) (MR) $9.99

This is by the NEON GENESIS EVANGELION director’s wife, right? It’s supposed to be for girls in their 20s -- supposed to be pretty racy, if I remember right.

HELL ON THE EASTERN FRONT #1 $3.95
HORSEMEN BAGGED SET $5.95

HOT MOMS #1 (A) $3.95

Does Marvel own the trademark on MILFs? What was wrong with MILF?

HYPER DOLLS VOL 3 GN $15.95

I LOVE YOU #3 (A) $2.95

This comic’s just trying to get into Aunt May’s pants. Comics will shamelessly lie to get into Aunt May’s granny-panties…

You think once the taboo on teenage girls has evaporated, that our culture will slowly start to eroticize senior citizens? I-- I hope we stick with the teenage girls. Henry Kissinger crawling over some old woman -- I don’t want to imagine that.

INITIAL D VOL 6 GN (Of 23) (RES) $9.99
JACK THE LANTERN #2 (MR) $3.00
JESSE JAMES HC $27.95
JESSE JAMES HC DLX LTD SIGNED ED $39.95
JESSE JAMES SC $14.95
JING KING OF BANDITS VOL 1 GN (Of 7) $9.99
JOHHNY JIHAD GN (MR) $9.95
JOHNNY HAZARD VOL 4 DANGER A LA CARTE $4.95
JUGHEAD #151 $2.19
JUGHEADS DOUBLE DIGEST #95 $3.59
KIM POSSIBLE CINEMANGA VOL 2 GN (Of 2) $7.99

KING OF HELL VOL 1 GN (Of 3) $9.99

I have to steal the Police’s KING OF PAIN sometime, or get a copy of that on CD through legal means. One or the other. I haven’t heard that song in a couple years now, wow. Thanks for the reminder, KING OF HELL.

KODT MINISERIES PX SPECIAL ALT CVR VOL 1 #3 (Of 3) $2.99
KODT MINISERIES PX SPECIAL REG CVR VOL 1 #3 (Of 3) $2.99
LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE RICH MAN POOR MAN $9.50
LITTLE SCROWLIE #2 $2.95

LOVE FIGHTS #1 $2.99

BUYING THIS: this is Andi Watson’s ongoing series through Oni. It’s some romance thing -- if you’re really upset about the Spider-Man thing, and want to read someone doing the romance thing who’s been doing it for a good long while, and doing it well, you should check this book out instead probably. It’s a romance thing set in a superhero universe, which…

POWERS is a big book, but part of me cringed when I heard the book’s premise. It’s hard to explain why. Like, “Oh, is this what alternative creators are going to do now?” sort of cringe. That instead of having great superhero comics AND great alternative comics, we’d have each chasing the other and pretending they’re compatible. Which is sort of a bullshit concern because POWERS works fine, but…

But I trust Watson. He has a track record, and it’s a pretty good one. Oni has a track record-- they’re only other ongoing series is QUEEN & COUNTRY, which is the best monthly comic I get, so I’d imagine they don’t go forward with ongoing’s without being pretty sure.

Early reviews are overwhelmingly strong. This seems like a very, very safe bet to be cool, I think.

Though, god, how much shit have I said I’m getting this week? Okay, well, half of the BUYING THISs? Disregard half of them because I’m not buying that many comics in one week. Is everything out this week again? Man, last week had nothing, and then this week is -- it’s never spread out nice for me. Huh… Yeah, disregard about half.

LOVE HINA VOL 11 GN (Of 14) $9.99
LUPIN III VOL 4 GN (Of 14) $9.99
MAGDALENA PREVIEW LTD WONDERCON 03 ED $19.99
MARMALADE BOY VOL 7 GN (Of 8) $9.99
MARS VOL 11 GN (Of 15) $9.99
MEN OF MYSTERY #41 $6.95

MENDY AND THE GOLEM #3 $2.95

Yeah, yeah, until Spielberg lays off the Indians, you guys can shove the golems right up your ass.

MIKE HOFFMANS LOST WORLDS OF FANTASY & SCI-FI #1 $2.95
MIKE HOFFMANS LOST WORLDS OF FANTASY & SCI-FI SP ED #1 PI
NAGA VOL 1 (MR) $9.50
NEGATION #19 $2.95
NINJA HIGH SCHOOL #106 $3.50

PATH TRAVELER VOL 1 CRISIS OF FAITH $9.95

This is funny, these TRAVELER things. To compete with manga? CrossGen’s shrinking their comics down into manga-sized books. So that way, someone looking for manga? Maybe they’ll get fooled. Maybe they’ll get tricked into thinking they’re reading manga. Is that the strategy? Diabolical, CrossGen.

Or maybe they’re onto something. Maybe manga’s not selling well because of the open, clean storytelling or the appealing concepts or the nice art. Maybe it’s the smallness of the books. Who knows? I don’t know anything this week, dude. Vampire horse week, man. As soon as Uncle Ben’s parking the goods in Aunt May’s garage, anything goes. Game on.

Though you’d think colorists would be shitting bricks more. Check it out: bookstore audience doesn’t insist close-mindedly about color. You’d think comic publishers would jump at that.

Lot of shitting in the Title Bout this week. Lot of shit-related humor. Just observing.

PHANTOM PACK #1 $15.95
POSE FILE REG ED #1 $22.95
PRINCE VALIANT 1955 PACIFIC COMIC CLUB ED $10.00
PS238 #2 $2.99
RAIJIN COMICS #26 (MR) $4.95
RAVE MASTER VOL 3 GN (OF 18) $9.99
REHD #0 $2.50

ROAD TO AMERICA TP (O/A) (MR) $14.95

I’ve mentioned this before, how Baru draws pretty? No one cares? Okey-dokey… No, I understand. Uncle Ben’s got three fingers in; it’s hard to spare the attention with all that going on.

You think the first issue ends with oral? Some of the reviews seem to suggest the first issue has some sort of shocking final panel. What do you think? Oral? Man, I wonder if they’ll give Aunt May clap of the throat. That comic, I’d buy. Thrill me, Millar…

SAMURAI DEEPER KYO VOL 1 GN (Of 18) $9.99
SCION TRAVELER VOL 2 BLOOD FOR BLOOD $9.95
SHAOLIN SISTERS VOL 3 GN (Of 5) $9.99-
SHOUJO #1 $5.95
SIGIL #37 $2.95
SILKEN GHOST #2 (Of 5) $2.95
SKUNKWORKS COLLECTION VOL 1 TP (O/A) (A) $15.99
SLAYERS SPECIAL BOOK 2 NOTORIOUS GN $15.95
SOJOURN #24 $2.95
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG #124 $2.19
SOUL ASSASSIN ONE SHOT $3.50
SPAWN DARK AGES #1 SGN VARIANT CVR ED PI
STEVEN SKIN & THE ZONE SET (MR) PI
STRANGERS IN PARADISE VOL III #58 $2.95

SUPER HERO HAPPY HOUR #3 $3.00

This is about a bar where superheroes go to, to unwind and drink and … do bar shit. This issue has a particularly nice cover, if the one I saw the other day was for this issue anyway.

I go to a bar sometimes, not often, but on occasion I find myself at a bar where they play silent films. And I enjoy the silent films, but I can not for the life of me follow the story in a silent film at all. They make me feel VERY stupid because I’m trying to follow the narrative, and they lose me each and every time.

TAROT WITCH OF THE BLACK ROSE DLX ED #20 (MR) $19.99
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES #10 (Note Price) $3.95
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES ANIMATED #1 $2.95
THE KINDAICHI CASE FILES VOL 1 GN (Of 6) $9.99
TOKYO MEW MEW VOL 2 GN (Of 4) $9.99
TRAILER PARK OF TERROR #1 (MR) $2.95
TRANSFORMERS ARMADA #12 $2.95
UNDER THE GLASS MOON VOL 1 GN (Of 3) $9.99
VAMPI VOL 1 DLX HC SIGNED GOLD ENCHANCED CVR ED (O/A) PI
VAMPIRE GAME VOL 1 GN (Of 3) $9.99
WARLANDS VOL 3 AGE OF ICE TP $15.95
WARRIOR NUN AREALA #17 $3.50
WILDE KNIGHT SP ED #1 PI
WILDFLOWER LOST YESTERDAYS #1 $2.99
WILDFLOWER TWO TALES LTD S&N ED $2.99
WITCHBLADE ORIGINS TP TURNER S&N ED PI
ZEN #1 $2.95

CONCLUSION

Ehh, got too serious too many times. I don’t know. Tried to put up a valiant effort, but… kept getting distracted by the stupid comics.

Let me think, have I forgotten anything? Let’s look at the ol’ Rich Johnston GOSSIP stuff, just in case: Some lawsuit at Top Cow. Who cares about Top Cow? Not me. Sue away. Eminem wants to be in some unpublished Mark Millar superhero comic? That’s… nice. STORMWATCH’s Micah Wright suggests that other comic companies might get bogged down by rejected EPIC submissions. Wh -- why can’t they just throw them away? Just toss everything. Everyone else recruits at cons anyways, right?

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT AGAIN.

There is one thing that almost makes me want to continue this column for all of time, for years and years and years to come:

Marvel’s publishing a book called YOUNG ANCIENT ONE.

…

READ IT. READ THAT TITLE AGAIN, BITCH:

YOUNG ANCIENT ONE.

You don’t understand. You’re sitting there nodding to me like you think you understand, but you don’t:

They’re publishing it. They’re putting ink onto paper so that it exists. This isn’t some cutesy joke. This is an actual COMIC book.

YOUNG ANCIENT ONE.

YOUNG ANCIENT ONE!!!

I… like … jesus, dude… I feel all … I just stare at it and feel …

It’s a Dr. Strange character, named the ANCIENT ONE, only it’s his early days, so what else could they call it but… YOUNG ANCIENT ONE. Only if you don’t know Dr. Strange trivia, and you come across this book, you’re staring at:

YOUNG ANCIENT ONE.

What-- what are they-- why would they-- who the hell thought this was a-…

It makes me go all numb.

If only Aunt May were here to help restore feeling to my extremities. She can do that. She has this thing she does where she puts her leg behind her ears and -- it’s all yoga. But it gets the vampire bat glue a’flowin’, dog, I’ll tell you what…

Haha, yeah, explain to me how comics are going to keep going. Explain to me how comics are going to keep going, and then suffer my rebuttal. My rebuttal? YOUNG ANCIENT ONE!

YOUNG ANCIENT ONE!!!!!!!

It’s too good. It’s just too good…

Want More TITLE BOUT this week? Then click HERE for the ultimate TITLE BOUT/BREAKDOWNS team-up, as A.K. and Chris Allen discuss struggling comics publisher Fantagraphics and every title they publish. They could use your help!

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