QVC -- 3 PM, QVC
Jessica Simpson still hasn't grasped the definition of "over-exposure" (or any other five-syllable word) as she shows up here to hawk some beauty products. I'm not sure these creams are the reason her nose looks so different from a few years ago, though...

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- 6 PM, ABC
Kansas City plays Baltimore tonight. Too bad it's not a bye week for these teams -- that way, Kansas City would at least have a chance to not lose for one week.

SMALLVILLE -- 7 PM, ABC Family
The show debuts on ABC Family tonight, starting with the first episode. Next week, Kryptonite changes a student. Week after, the same. Week after that, yep, same. Week after that, yep, you guessed it...

FEAR FACTOR -- 8 PM, NBC
Women are shackled to a helicopter and forced to eat at the Road Kill Cafe. How is it I'm the only one disgusted by the fact that Joe Rogan gets to work out his many women issues on this every single week?

MODEL CITIZENS -- 8 PM, PAX
Debut! Models roam around across the country, performing community service. If they really wanted to help out, they'd attend proms all across the land and help out the scores high school virgins.

HOCUS POCUS -- 8 PM, Disney
I hope Sarah Jessica Parker watches this and remembers what shape her career was in prior to SEX AND THE CITY. If she's seen this a year ago, that HBO show would still be going strong...

HALF AND HALF -- 8:30 PM, NBC
This show kicks off a real-life music search where the "winner" is given a spot on a future episode. The losers? Us.

PLAIN TRUTH -- 9 PM, Lifetime
I don't know that the world was clamoring for a WITNESS remake. It's not like the Amish reality show has exactly cued a newfound interest in Amish culture. Then again, I'd rather watch the Amish than another woman-in-peril movie.

THE BENEFACTOR -- 10 PM, NBC
Dallas Mavericks owner makes this show a tax write-off by including a basketball game in tonight's show. Well, at least it ain't Jenga again.

AND YOU DON'T STOP: 30 YEARS OF HIP-HOP -- 10 PM, VH1
They can call it 30 years of history, but to me, there was no hip-hop before SUGAR HILL GANG's "Rapper's Delight" from 1979. To prove it, I will now sing the 14-minute version a capella as I work on this column.

Now what you hear is not a test, I'm a-rappin' to the beat/And me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to move your feet/You see, I am Wonder Mike, and I'd like to say hellp/to the blacks, to the whites, the red and the brown/the purple and yellow

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Bishop Desmond Tutu
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Kiefer Sutherland, Raquel Castro, Gary Jewel
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Darrell Hammond, Benjamin McKenzie, Switchfoot
Last Call with Carson Daly: Stephen Colbert, Method Man

Tuesday, October 5

VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE -- 6 PM, CBS, NBC, ABC
For some reason, the idea of this debate makes me think back to the Nixon/Kennedy debate back in the '60s. One guy seems youngish and photogenic, the other seems, well, typically Republican.

SNAKE MASTER -- 8 PM, Animal Planet
Austin Stevens, who's much less annoying than that crocodile guy, heads to Borneo to track down real-life giant snakes. Like ANACONDAS minus the suck.

SECOND VERDICT -- 8 PM, PAX
Debut! This show makes double jeopardy fun night-time viewing -- real-life felony cases are re-tried. Wait 'til November sweeps for the special two-part OJ episodes.

ACTION -- 8:30 PM, Biography
No, this isn't the old Jay Mohr show, it's a profile of the boss, Kevin Smith. See if there's any part of his life with which you're not already intimately familiar.

FRANKENSTEIN -- 9 PM, Hallmark
This two-part movie stars boring actors like William Hurt and Don Sutherland, but it does have Julie Delpy, anyway. Still, I'm waiting for the Parker Posey version on USA this weekend.

BEAUTIFUL DREAMER: BRIAN WILSON AND THE STORY OF SMILE -- 9 PM, Showtime
Now I see why Brian Wilson waited 40 years to record and release Smile; it's not because he went insane, he was just waiting for cable TV to roll out and give him a channel that would chronicle the whole affair.

TANNER ON TANNER -- 9 PM, Sundance
Debut! The old show, TANNER '88, from Garry Trudeau and Robert Altman, returns in an all-new four-part run about a former Democratic candidate. Good, because we don't have enough political shows to watch this time of year.

THE BENEFACTOR -- 10 PM, ABC
Well, Mark Cuban, you might've e-mailed me before to compliment the site (true story!) but your show is realllly goofy. Give me Trump's bad hair any day.

NIP/TUCK -- 10 PM, FX
Season Finale! The show ends its second season by amping up the sex a bit. Nothing like a murder to send a show into hiatus with a bang.

WANDA DOES IT -- 10:30 PM, Comedy
Debut! Wanda Sykes, who's largely funny for her oddly diminutive (in person) size, takes on regular jobs and lets people film it while she mocks the place. Kind of like our days at work, minus the camera.

I got bodyguards, I got two big cars that definitely aint the wack/I got a Lincoln Continental and a sunroof Cadillac/ so after school, i take a dip in the pool, which really is on the wall/I got a color TV so I can see the Knicks play basketball/Hear me talkin bout checkbooks, credit cards more money than a sucker could ever spend/But I wouldnt give a sucker or a bum from the rucker not a dime til I made it again

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Billy Bob Thornton
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Amanda Peet, Adam Mesh, Kenny Chesney
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jimmy Fallon, Good Charlotte
Last Call with Carson Daly: Andy Richter, Al Sharpton, Sahara Hotnights

Wednesday, October 6

WORLD CUP COMEDY -- 8 PM, PAX
Debut! PAX is rolling out a lot of new shows this week. But if there's one place I'm not thinking of when it comes to cutting-edge comedy, it's PAX.

PROOF POSITIVE -- 8 PM, Sci
Debut! It's CSI for the Art Bell set, as paranormal stories are given the full forensic treatment. As long as someone investigates that John Edward...

THE BACHELOR -- 9 PM, ABC
So the new Bachelor is 40 years old and unmarried? If not for the bass fisherman part, I'd never think that he'd find his ideal spouse on this show.

BOBBY FLAY: CHEF MENTOR -- 9 PM, Food
Bobby Flay always struck me more as someone who'd press your head to a lit stove if you screwed up a recipe, but here, he actually reigns that in and mentors some amateur chefs.

GHOST HUNTERS -- 9 PM, Sci
Debut! My problem with these ghost-hunting shows isn't the premise, but it's the results. All these big game hunters always end up empty-handed. If one person would even get slimed, I'd be more inclined to watch.

PBS HOLLYWOOD PRESENTS: COP SHOP -- 9 PM, PBS
The voice of Honda's car commercials, Richard Dreyfuss, shows up here as a recovering alcoholic cop. Even more notable is the fact that "Eddie LeBeq" himself, Jay Thomas, also plays a cop. What, no Shaddow Stevens?

FRANKENSTEIN -- 9 PM, Hallmark
Part 2 of the movie that does nothing but remind me of the Dean Koontz version coming this Saturday.

LAW & ORDER -- 10 PM, NBC
I know this show's been on longer than most of us have been alive, but nothing's really made me want to watch it every week. However, adding Dennis Farina to the cast just might change that. And this week, Peter Strauss shows up, too.

Well, so far, you've heard my voice but I brought two friends along/and next on the mike is my man Hank/Come on, Hank, sing that song

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Bob Schieffer
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: David Arquette, Blue Man Group
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Hilary Duff, Anthony Keidis, Rilo Kiley
Last Call with Carson Daly: Neve Campbell, Nick Swardson, Lil' Flip

Thursday, October 7

CLERKS -- 7:30 PM, IFC
Ahh, what a perfect starting time. At just about 8 PM, family hour, when you sit down to watch TV with the kids, you can explain why the one man got angry when he heard his girlfriend sucked 37 dicks. Enjoy.

DREW CAREY'S GREEN SCREEN SHOW -- 8:30 PM, WB
Debut! Drew hopes for a better resolution from WB than he got from ABC on his last show. This time around, the show's like WHOSE LINE IT IS ANYWAY with the addition of some clever CGI.

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT -- 9 PM, ABC
Debut! Well, the premiere episode of this "MY SO-CALLED LIFE for teen boys" may not have knocked me out, but telling me that various FREAKS & GEEKS cast members will appear is a sure way guarantee I check back.

WIDE ANGLE -- 9 PM, CBS
Can Saudi America go from being a tribal society of princes to a Democratic one? I really doubt the princes would be pushing for the answer to be "yes."

Ya go hotel motel whatcha gonna do today (say what)/Ya say I'm gonna get a fly girl gonna get some spankin', drive off in a def OJ/Everybody go, hotel, motel, Holiday Inn/You see, if your girl starts acting up, then you take her friend

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Bill O'Reilly
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Selma Blair, Xzibit, Puddle of Mudd
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Drew Carrey, Mo Rocca
Last Call with Carson Daly: Bill Maher, Amanda Beard, Ambulance Ltd.

Friday, October 8

GIGLI -- 7 PM, Starz
The only movie that could make the Presidential debate sound rife with clever dialogue.

COMPLEX/MALIBU -- 8 PM, Fox
Season Finale! I find it curious that the only thing complex on this show is the title, not any of the people appearing on the show.

STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE -- 8 PM, UPN
Season Premiere! You can tell when the show's getting a bit desperate for ratings when it leads off with a time-travel ep that throws the cast back into WWII Germany.

HALLOWEENTOWN HIGH -- 8 PM, Disney
This is the third entry in the HALLOWEENTOWN series, a pleasant enough holiday show for thye kids. And for you parents who're stuck watching it, too, you get Debbie Reynolds. DENNIS MILLER -- 9 PM, CNBC
'80s action movie icon Chuck Norris shows up here. That's it--I have nothing more to say. I just always used to dig Chuck Norris movies.

TAKE MY KIDS, PLEASE! -- 10 PM, WE
Debut! In these times of mothers stashing their kids in the trunk of their car so they can make a happy hour drink special, the timing for a show that encourages time away from the children couldn't be better.

Well, my name is known all over the world, by all the foxy ladies and the pretty girls/I'm goin down in history as the baddest rapper there could ever be/Now I'm feelin the highs and ya feelin the lows, the beat starts gettin into your toes/Ya start poppin ya fingers and stompin your feet and movin your body while youre sittin in your seat/And then damn, ya start doin the freak/I said damn, right outta your seat/Then ya throw your hands high in the air/Ya rockin to the rhythm, shake your derriere/Ya rockin to the beat without a care with the sureshot MCs for the affair

The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Arsenio Hall, fired "Apprentice," Finger Eleven
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Cary Elwes, Chris Klein, Kanye West
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Dave Navarro, Interpol
Last Call with Carson Daly: Marilyn Manson, Stuart Townsend, Mase

Saturday, October 9

THE SECRET LIVES OF DENTISTS -- 2:30 PM, TMC
One of the best movies I saw last year, even if it gets a bit difficult to watch. The acting, particularly by Campbell Scott and Hope Davis, is really excellent, although I'd suggest TiVoing it and catching it once the sun goes down.

LIAR, LIAR -- 8 PM, ABC
I can't tell a lie -- I really didn't think this movie was funny at all. Which still makes it world better than BRUCE ALMIGHTY.

FRANKENFISH -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
You knew when they discovered those snake-headed fish popping up in places they shouldn't have been and devouring lesser fish that the Sci Fi movie wasn't far behind. However, they're very remiss in bringing us CHUPACABRA: THE MOVIE.

DIARY OF AN AFFAIR -- 9 PM, Style
Just think, if you're home watching this, you're that much less likely to actually be out living this.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES -- 10 PM, ABC
If you're home and desperate for something to watch, here's this re-airing of last week's premiere. Which should have you coming back tomorrow night to catch the next one.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host and Musical Guest: Queen Latifah

Well I was comin home late one dark afternoon, a reporter stopped me for a interview/She said she's heard stories and she's heard fables, that I'm vicious on the mike and the turntables/This young reporter I did adore, so I rocked a vicious rhyme like I never did before/She said damn fly guy I'm in love with you, the Casanova legend must have been true/I said by the way baby what's your name, said I go by the name of Lois Lane/And you could be my boyfiend you surely can, just let me quit my boyfriend called Superman/ I said he's a fairy I do suppoose, flyin' through the air in his pantyhose/He may be very sexy or even cute, but he looks like a sucker in a blue and red suit/I said you need a man who's got finesse, and his whole name across his chest/He may be able to fly all through the night, but can he rock a party til the early light?/He can't satisfy you with his little worm, but I can bust you out with my super sperm

Sunday, October 10

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES -- 9 PM, ABC
I'm still not entirely sure why Sherilyn Fenn's deceased wife was replaced with Brenda Strong, but then again, maybe Fenn's tired of playing the dead girl on network TV shows.

FRANKENSTEIN -- 9 PM, USA
Debut!> Let me just lay out all the reasons I'm in for this: it's a retelling of Shelley's story as envisioned by Dean Koontz, and it stars Parker Posey, Adam Goldberg and Vincent Perez. What's better than all of that?

FAMILY BONDS -- 10 PM, HBO
I don't mean this in a shallow way, but...well, I'm sorry, the family on this show is just too unattractive to watch every week. Finally, a reality show that's just a little too much like reality.

Have you ever went over, a friend's house to eat, and the food just ain't no good?/I mean, the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mush and the chicken tastes like wood/So you try to play it off like you think you can/By saying that you're full/and your friend said 'momma, he's just bein' polite, he ain't finished, uh-uh, that's bull'

All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are way too white to sing any further.

Chris Ryall

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