By Chris Ryall
Monday, October 18
WITH GOD ON OUR SIDE: GEORGE BUSH & THE RISE OF THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT IN AMERICA -- 7 PM, Sundance
I don't know, from what I've seen the Relgious Right is often wrong about so many things, it makes me wonder why they're still called that.
NUTS FOR MUTTS -- 8 PM, Animal Planet
Luckily, this is nothing at all like you might expect. I mean, what those of you what watch those little mpegs from the Eastern Bloc countries might expect. These dalmations aren't half as frisky.
DEADLY VISIONS -- 9 PM, Lifetime
Niclette Sheridan, who's suddenly popular again after years away thanks to DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, is probably not too happy with this hokey eye-transplant movie airing right now.
FARSCAPE: THE PEACEKEEPER WARS -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
The new miniseries concludes here tonight. For now. But there's a good chance the show will be back yet again.
MONSTER GARAGE -- 9 PM, Discovery
This week, Hesse and company convert a WWII Jeep into a tow-truck. Back in college, you could buy these jeeps for $40, unassembled, but they wouldn't tow you, let alone anything else.
THE FIGHT -- 9 PM, PBS
This obviously named program takes a look back at Joe Lewis' fight with Max Schmelling. If you're wondering who won, just think about which of those two names you've heard before.
TWO AND A HALF MEN -- 9:30 PM, CBS
And this week, there's a WOMAN in there, too, in the pleasant form of STAR TREK's Jeri Ryan, further distancing herself from the sex dungeons her husband used to drag her to.
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART -- 11 PM, Comedy Central
I know the show is listed directly below this, but after the way Stewart eviscerated blowhard Tucker Carlson on CNN's Crossfire last week, it deserves a special mention.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Ed Koch
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jimmy Carter, John Mellencamp
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jamie Foxx, Chris Matthews, Amy Grant
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Mandy Moore, Susie Essman, Ambulance LTD.
Last Call with Carson Daly: Tom Green, Maria Menounos, The Shore
Tuesday, October 19
BROADWAY: THE AMERICAN MUSICAL -- 8 PM, PBS
Every week, I list one show that I know no more than two of you are going to watch. This week, I expect this particular listing to cut that number of viewers in half.
THE BIGGEST LOSER -- 8 PM, NBC
Debut! It'd be too easy to call viewers of this show about a fat farm competition the biggest losers of all. Because that doesn't take into account the sponsors who paid big bucks to be in this type of dreck.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 8 PM, Fox
Before the new season premieres soon, you can catch up with the show in the form of four episodes here tonight. Eith every scene, you'll see that it earned its Emmy Awards.
DECISIONS THAT SHOOK THE WORLD -- 8 PM, Discovery Channel
Since this is Discovery, I'm sure they'll go highbrow and not focus on the real Earth-shaking decisions, like when Heather Locklear decided to waste a few years of her life by marrying Tommy Lee. Then again, the reason for that unholy union became clearer a few years ago.
SPEAK NOW -- 8 PM, BET
Puff Daddy shows up here to try to convince the young BET-watchers to vote. No word on whether or not he just samples some previous pro-voting speeches.
ONE TREE HILL -- 9 PM, WB
Entertainment Tonight's Maria Menounos shows up here tonight. And if that means anything you you, well, you'll have to explain it to me someday.
DREAM JOB -- 9 PM, ESPN
This season, there's a contestant named Al Jaffe on the show, but so far, he hasn't had one snappy answer to any of the stupid questions. And if you get that reference, well, you're Mad.
MAIL CALL -- 9 PM, History
Gunney heads to Afghanistan to check things out first-hand. Now, I know the guy is a former military man, but do our soldiers really need to worry about shepherding a TV crew through that troubled area, on top of everything else going on there?
SCRUBS -- 9:30 PM, NBC
NBC sure spent a lot of money promoting this week's "guest-appearance" (really, "product tie-in" is more apropo) but whatever gets people watching is fine with me.
THE REAL WORLD: PHILADEPHIA -- 10 PM, MTV
Premiere! This season's show takes place in Philly, which means a Sweeps episode that guest-stars UPN's AMISH folks can't be far behind.
MANHUNT -- 10 PM, Bravo
Trust me, Bravo, you wasted your time getting Carmen Electra to host this show. There's no way any straight guy wants so sit through male models sky-diving in only their underwear just to get a look at her.
HE'S A LADY -- 10:05, TBS
Debut! If the name alone doesn't suck you in...well, then, you just might not be the target audience for this show about cross-dressing. Then again, who is the target audience for a show about guys dressing as girls to win money?
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Marisa Tomei
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jude Law, Ricky Gervais
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Ewan McGregor, Duran Duran
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Allison Janney, James Elroy, The Black Keys
Last Call with Carson Daly: Sue Johnason, Ben Bailey, Sum 41
Wednesday, October 20
THE KING OF QUEENS -- 9 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! Finally, this show starts up its new season. The number of shows with portly blue-collar guys married to hot women was starting to dip under the dozen mark without this one.
SMALLVILLE -- 8 PM, WB
Ths show has been pretty solid so ar this year, and this week, we get to see how far susperspeed special effects have come since the FLASH TV series a handful of years ago, since Bart Allen (the new Kid Flash) shows up here.
LOST -- 8 PM, ABC
What's the sign of a popular show? Mock Web sites. There's already a fan site built around the band that Dominick Monaghan's musician character was in, full of fake archives and an entry reporting that he's now missing after his plane went down. No word if the polar bear has a fan site of his own.
AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL -- 8 PM, UPN
Will someone please explain to me how UPN can have a show with young, hot women competing for the right to parade around in skimpy clothes and yet make it seem to unsexual and uninteresting to watch?
MODERN MARVELS -- 8 PM, History
This episode looks at all the vehicles that transport the President around. They should also look at the numerous other vehicles that work to shut down the entire city whenever the President is in town.
THE WEST WING -- 9 PM, NBC
Season Premiere! Bad timing, NBC -- this is the time of year when people on both sides would like to forget all about the office of the Presidency. But that's still no reason not to vote, people. There, that's my PSA for the week.
MYTHBUSTERS -- 9 PM, Discovery
I know it's only a myth that people tune into Discovery every single week to watch a show, but check this out and I guarantee you'll bust that one and return next week.
CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE -- 9:30 PM, CBS
Debut! CBS finally airs this delayed show, although the same holds true as the early pilot I saw: John Goodman is once again wasted on a show that's beneath him. But probably not for too long, anyway.
CSI: NY -- 10 PM, CBS
What's the one profession that TV shows manage to bungle even more than advertising? Right--musicians. And with hack agent/former musician Master P involved, the chances of this episode continuing that trend increase exponentially.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Fareed Zakaria
The Late Show with David Letterman: Sarah Michelle Gellar
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Susan Sarandon, Elvis Costello and the Imposters
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Claire Danes, Carson Kressly, Mavis Staples
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: Claire Danes, Mavis Staples
Last Call with Carson Daly: Sue Johnason, Ben Bailey, Sum 41
Thursday, October 21
JOEY -- 8 PM, NBC
Remember when the Atlanta Braves went from last place to first seemingly overnight? Yep, NBC's season is like the mirror-image of that, thanks to overrated (by which I mean "crappy and unwatchable") shows like this one.
CELEBRITY POKER SHOWDOWN -- 8 PM, Bravo
This week, the definition of "celebrity" is expanded firther with former athlete/headcase Dennis Rodman stopping by, along with the "Birdman," skateboarder Tony Hawk. I fold.
LIFE AS WE KNOW IT -- 9 PM, ABC
This show professes to capture the way high school boys deal with sex and yet it doesn't feature constant embarrassing "walking to the chalkboard" moments? Who's writing this, women? That's all high school was. Er, so I heard...
THE OFFICE SPECIAL -- 9 PM, BBC America
This reunion show, featuring Ricky Gervais and the rest of the original cast, is already set on my TiVo. Don't watch this if you have any hope of enjoying the coming watered-down American version. Everyone else, make a point to watch this and see how good TV can be. Even if it's British TV...
BROADWAY: THE AMERICAN MUSICAL -- 9 PM, PBS
It's part 2 of the show that none of you are watching. This time around, you won't see them cover the Great White Waye from the '60s to the present.
E.R. -- 10 PM, NBC
What to do when a show is hemorraging viewers? Well, you add another hot young girl, of course, this time in the form of Madchen Amick. But it may just be too late for this show.
CLUB COMIC VIEW -- 10 PM, BET
Former American Idol wannabee Ruben Stoddard tries his hand at stand-up. He'd get more laughs if he'd just play cuts off his debut CD.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Billy Crudup
The Late Show with David Letterman: Dustin Hoffman, Bjork
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Christina Applegate, James Carville, Simple Plan
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jude Law, Meredith Vieira, The Explosion
Last Call with Carson Daly: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, Michael Michele, Duran Duran
Friday, October 22
MASTERMINDS -- 8 PM, CourTV
This profile of real-life cat burglar Bill Mason isn't anywhere near as interesting as cat burglars are portrayed to be in real life, but for all you would-be criminals, it does offer some helpful tips on how to commit a successful B&E.
COMPLETE SAVAGES -- 8:30 PM, ABC
Not only is this show based on Mel Gibson's life, but he directed a couple eps and recently did a cameo on it, too. Unfortunately, with its ratings, it's going to take Jim Caviezel showing up as Jesus to help this show.
GENIUS: A NIGHT FOR RAY CHARLES -- 9 PM, CBS
I know these types of shows that turn up right when a movie about the same subject come out seem crass, but there are some really solid musicians paying tribute to Ray here, so it's worth a look.
REBA -- 9 PM, WB
Well, maybe this guest-appearance by Patrick Duffy will help my dream of seeing MAN FROM ATLANTIS released on DVD finally realized.
SOUTH PARK'S 27 GREATEST EPISODES -- 9 PM, Comedy
Finally, all you stoners who manage to stay awake into the wee hours of the morning will have something to watch instead of test patterns and infomercials. As long as they don't include the TERRANCE AND PHILIP spin-off ep. Talk about a buzz-kill.
MEDICAL INVESTIGATION -- 10 PM, NBC
NBC continues their Season of Innovation with shows like this cleverly titled CSI rip-off. I look forward to other shows whose names are basic descriptions of the program, such as "LAW CASES," "POLICE WORK," and "NO-LAUGH-HAVING-SPINOFF."
FILM SCHOOL -- 10:30 PM, IFC
I wouldn't go so far as to say I've gotten hooked on this show, but when I have watched it, it was pretty interesting, and helpful to aspiring filmmakers. Mostly with tips of what not to do.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Amy Sedaris
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Ben Affleck, Phil Jackson
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Cary Elwes, Chris Klein, Kanye West
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Will Arnett, bat expert Rob Miles
The Late Late Show with Guest-Host Jim Rome: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Linda Cohn, Dan Naturman, Ben Harper with the Blind Boys of Alabama
Saturday, October 23
THE MLB WORD SERIES 2004 -- 7:30 PM, Fox
Look for more Fox stars in the crowd during this game, like every year. But also, he said hopefully in September as he typed this, look for the Dodgers to be playing tonight.
KINGS OF THE ROAD: MUSTANGS ACROSS AMERICA -- 8 PM, Travel
If you own a Mustang that came out before 1983? You're cool. If you own one that came out in the past twenty years? You're not so cool.
DR. SEUSS'S THE CAT IN THE HAT -- 8 PM, HBO
I'm not sure six feet underground is far enough for poor Ted Geisel after what Hollywood has done to two of his most popular books. Please leave Green Eggs and Ham on the printed page and far away from Jim Carrey or Mike Meyers.
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER -- 8 PM, ABC Family
I'm not sure there are all that many families that want to watch a fisherman with a hook hand go around killing people, but maybe in the spirit of Halloween...
THE APPRENTICE -- 9 PM, NBC
This expanded version that airs on Saturdays is really a good idea to hook people twice. It also makes you realize the Thursday show is skippable. You'd be best to tune in Thursdays at 8:45 PM, and then TiVo this airing to see the more interesting bits.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: Jude Law; Musical Guest: Ashlee Simpson
Sunday, October 24
NATURE'S VAMPIRES -- 7 PM, Animal
If I was a less-evolved person, I'd say that NBC's season qualifies, since overall, it really sucks. Luckily, I'm not juvenile enough to say such a thing. But it does. Suck.
COLD CASE -- 8 PM, CBS
The entire episode is set around Johnny Cash's concert in Folsom Prison. Which automatically makes it more cool than just about anything else on TV this week.
THE DEAD WILL TELL -- 9 PM, CBS
Anne Heche sees dead people or some such. Which automatically makes her character more sane than the woman who plays her. At least the character doesn't think she's talked to aliens.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES -- 9 PM, ABC
There is no reason I should get hooked on a campy show that makes all men look bad and features a crop of forty-something actresses and yet, it's true. I'll admit it. Which doesn't make me feel a lot better.
AMERICA'S UGLIEST -- 9 PM, TLC
Debut! THE DAILY SHOW's Mo Rocca stars on this mo-ronic show. I know the name of the show makes you think it's about NBC's Fall season, but it's just another home makeover program.
YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND -- 9:30 PM, MTV
Debut! Oh, cool, MTV is doing reality shows that have more in common with Fox than with anything musical. Because we all need more programs that involve annoying people trying to mess with some unknowing stiffs.
BOSTON LEGAL -- 10 PM, ABC
Something seems wrong when the TV season's hottest couple is Bill Shatner and the guy from SECRETARY, but it's true. As long as they don't let Spader spank the good captain like he did Maggie Gyllenhaal.
20: ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY'S SCARIEST MOVIES -- 10 PM, AMC
EVIL DEAD's Ash hosts this show, although I think it'd be better served to just show the 20 scariest scenes. Movies like WHEN A STRANGER CALLS ultimately don't hold up but the first half-hour still works on me.
JACKIE COLLINS PRESENTS... -- 10 PM, E!
Debut! Life is never fair. Rather than this trashy novelist getting her own show, let's all petition E! to give Jackie Stallone a show. I'd rather watch that nutty dame than this one.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions should have gotten Kilborn's job.
Chris Ryall
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