Week of January 13, 2003
By Chris Ryall
Monday, January 13
THE AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS -- 8 PM, ABC
Ah, a Dick Clark-produced show...you know what that means, right? Grabbing whoever Billboard and MTV say is hot and still willing to do this tripe. Agenda...moi? Hosted by the Osbournes.
BOSTON PUBLIC -- 8 PM, Fox
Anne Archer is up next in David Kelley's attempt to pack his lame shows with lots of guest-stars. Remember in '87 when everyone was asking, "How could Michael Douglas cheat on hot wife Anne Archer with crazy-haired Glenn Close?" I do.
MAIL CALL -- 8 PM, History
Tonight, they explain Ninja weapons and flamethrowers? How have I never heard of this before? Wow, ninja weapons? The only thing that could make this better is if Michael Dudikoff hosted it. Seriously.
BENEDICT ARNOLD -- 8 PM, A&E
Kelsey Grammar as George Washington...I cannot tell a lie...this movie sounds awful on that basis alone. he is Frasier and Frasier only. And Sideshow Bob, of course.
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM -- 8 PM, HBO
Okay, you have three full hours tonight, six shows in a row, of the best show on TV, so you really have no excuse for not catching at least a couple of them.
HUNGER POINT -- 9 PM, Lifetime
A Lifetime original starring Barbara Hershey and...ah, there's nothing I could say that'd get you to watch this, is there?
JOE MILLIONAIRE -- 9 PM, Fox
As much as we all rip on this show and the "Joe" in question, who among us wouldn't do the same thing if we had a chateau in France we could borrow?
IT FACTOR -- 9:30 PM, Bravo
Season Premiere The second season of the show that shows aspiring actors trying to make it. I don't know...they say it's about "aspiring actors," yet I didn't see one restaurant last season.
100 MOMENTS THAT ROCKED TV -- 10 PM, VH-1
Hosted by Molly Shannon, this show better feature Weird Al somewhere or other, because there's no argument that "Eat It" rocked TV. ("Amish Paradise," less so.)
The Daily Show: Kathy Bates
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jimmy Kimmel, Simon Baker
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Salma Hayek, Derek Luke, Seether
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, Dennis Haysbert, Spoon
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: Estella Warren
Last Call with Carson Daly: Andy Richter, Busta Rhymes (OAD: 12/12/02)
Tuesday, January 14
UPN'S FUNKY FLUBS -- 8 PM, UPN
All I know is, this show better at least mention DESMOND PFEIFFER and HOMEBOYZ IN OUTER SPACE, the MVPs among UPN's many flubs.
FRASIER -- 9 PM, NBC
This show has long since ceased being any entertainment value to me, but at least it has some good guest-stars tonight: SPORTS NIGHT's Felicity Huffman and BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD's Mike Judge.
VIKINGS -- 9 PM, TLC
If you're an actor who specializes in re-enactments (is there such a person?), I have to think there's no cooler part than that of a Viking making a trip across the ocean and plundering in some hazy flashback sequence.
THE SHIELD -- 10 PM, FX
Featuring a Mexican coke cartel, which I only mention here to give me one more chance to make a "watch KINGPIN on Feb. 2!" reference.
The Daily Show: Michael Moore
The Late Show with David Letterman: Claire Danes
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Nicole Kidman, Dame Edna, Shania Twain
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Martin Lawrence, Michael Rosenbaum, Thievery Corporation
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: Oscar de la Hoya, Annabella Sciorra
Last Call with Carson Daly: Moby, Fat Joe
Wednesday, January 15
STAR SEARCH -- 8 PM, CBS
You better make a point to catch this show tonight because there won't be another one on until...well, tomorrow night.
ED -- 8 PM, NBC
Jim Gaffigan guest-stars, which hopefully means he gets a good response and gets his own sitcom next season.
THE BACHELORETTE -- 9 PM, ABC
Want to really throw off this whole social experiment? Introduce a PS2 into the house where all the guys are staying.
MAN VS. BEAST -- 9 PM, Fox
So, Fox isn't even bothering with any counter-programming against THE BACHELORETTE? Don't they know guys are ready to clock out of that show?
CELEBRITY MOLE: HAWAII -- 10 PM, ABC
So, the point of this show is to root out who among these cast-offs and Baldwin brothers is the actual celebrity? My money's on Kathy Griffin.
DOMINICK DUNNE'S POWER, PRIVELEGE AND JUSTICE -- 10 PM, Court
Season Premiere The second season opens on the du Pont family, who could star in an entire season of this show.
CRIBS -- 10:30 PM, MTV
Now, I personally like the guy, but is there an aching demand to see where Jerry Cantrell, or Fat Joe, live? Can't they just keep a camera on Mariah Carey's palatial shoe closet instead?
The Daily Show: Dave Chappelle
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jason Lee, Marv Albert
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Denzel Washington, Elton John
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Senator Lieberman, Rosario Dawson, Boothby Graffoe
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: Jeff Cesario
Last Call with Carson Daly: Ashton Kutcher/ Exies
Thursday, January 16
DISCO BALL -- 8 PM, ABC
I thought we all agreed that disco was dead. It was here, then it died, then it came back, and it should now be dead again, right? If this show was called DISCO WAKE, or DISCO CREMATION, I might be inclined to watch.
STAR SEARCH -- 8 PM, CBS
Well, don't check that island with all the "Celebrity" Mole people, or the Surreal Life house...you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone star-worthy there.
DISCOVERY HEALTH BODY CHALLENGE -- 8 PM, Discovery Health
All you with a phobia to the obese might want to check in at week 14 or so of this 16-week reality show geared around which overweight person can lose the most weight.
SURREAL LIFE -- 9:30 PM, WB
Sreiously, Vince Neil assembling a tent? I can almost handle Ozzy's new status, but should the guy from Motley Crue, who wrote of having sex with women in cockroach-filled beds, be worried about pitching a tent with Corey Feldman?
INSOMNIAC WITH DAVE ATTELL -- 10:30, Comedy Central
If anyone can make Kansas City seem the least bit exciting (said the guy who's never been there), it's Dave Attell.
The Daily Show: Senator and Mrs. Joseph Lieberman
The Late Show with David Letterman: George Clooney
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Josh Brolin
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Tom Selleck, Big Show, Sue Johanson
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: Julia Stiles
Last Call with Carson Daly: Ray Liotta, Vivian Green
Friday, January 17
THAT'S SO RAVEN -- 7 PM, Disney
Series Premiere That seems like a really odd fit, the pro wrestler Raven being on some Disney sitcom at this family-friendly hour, but who else could the title character be referring to? (Hint: check out old COSBY SHOW reruns for the real answer)
FINAL JUSTICE -- 8 PM, Lifetime
Series Premiere Starring Erin Brockovich. But...have you seen these promos? I thought she was the cleavage-baring crusader or whatever, but here, they have her in pants-suits. Oh, Lifetime, you just don't want the male audience, do you?
FASTLANE -- 8 PM, Fox
Not even sweeps yet and already we get the big "lesbian-kiss" episode, guest-starring the blonde Jamie Pressly and the orange George Hamilton. No word at press time which of those two plays the lesbian in question.
THE LAST COWBOY -- 9 PM, Hallmark
You know what the tag line for that Tom Selleck western above is? "The Last Cowboy." Now...who's right, here? There can only be one last cowboy. The cowboy here is Lance Henriksen, so I think I have to give the edge to Tom.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Joan Rivers
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Robin Williams, Selma Blair, 30 Seconds to Mars
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Elijah Wood, Ryan Seacrest, Sean Paul
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: Slobberbone
Last Call with Carson Daly: Dermot Mulroney/ Mike Birbiglia/ Sugarcult
Saturday, January 18
MONTE WALSH -- 8 PM, TNT
How come it's only guys near 50 described as "aging"? Tom Selleck is described as an "aging cowboy" in this western. Aren't we all aging, all the time? Hell, I bet you feel like you've aged a year since plodding through these recommendations (I wanted to take that joke so it's no longer available to any of you).
CRITICS' CHOICE AWARDS 2002 -- 8 PM, E!
Well, six months ago, I think Adam Sandler would have been invited to this show, but now...? Doubt it.
TRADING SPACES -- 9 PM, TLC
Live in Las Vegas...now you have a chance to watch people freak out at their changes room in real time...
ROLLING STONES LIVE FROM MSG -- 9 PM, HBO
Don't you love when a show finally airs, meaning the annoying promos will stop being shown every hour of every day? Yeah, I can't wait for NATIONAL SECURITY to open.
WHAT NOT TO WEAR -- 10 PM, TLC
Season Premiere You mean, What Not To Watch...
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE—11:30 PM, NBC
Host: Ray Liotta, musical guest: The Donnas
Sunday, January 19
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME -- 12 PM, Fox
I'm gonna go out on a limb here -- yes, I'm typing this before the games on January 11 and 12 -- and predict that it's Tampa Bay vs. Philadelphia.
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME -- 3:30 PM, CBS
Well, I know it'll be the Raiders, but since the Bills aren't even in the playoffs, who cares about the AFC?
LIVE FROM THE RED CARPET -- 6 PM, E!
You know, every time they cut to the soulless, skin-tightened Joan Rivers, I question the "Live" part of this show's title.
SOUNDER -- 7 PM, ABC
ABC keeps remaking these movies I remember from my childhood (where's ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN, Eisner?) and I can't help watching them. Especially SOUNDER... I loved this movie.
60TH ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS -- 8 PM, NBC
You know, I'll mention that it's on, but since this is a Dick Clark-produced show, I can't in good conscience tell anyone to support it. Just read about the winners here tomorrow.
GIRLS BEHAVING BADLY -- 8 PM, Oxygen
Come on...girls mis-behaving on Oxygen? If I really want to see girls misbehaving, I'd tune into HBO tonight at 10. (I do, and I will...)
ALIAS -- 9 PM, ABC
People have been hassling me for weeks for not mentioning this show more, and now that I finally do, it's a repeat.
TAXICAB CONFESSIONS 2003: GIRLS LIKE IT HOT -- 10 PM, HBO
Not to everyone in the world (you, too, God) -- please do not bother me between the hours of 10 PM and 11 PM on Sunday, I'll be preoccupied.
SPORTS COLLISIONS AND CRACKUPS -- 11 PM, TLC
Wow, that bone really pooped right through Theissman's leg, nice hit, L.T.! Cue the laugh track. Up next, Duck Koo Kim's fight. Wow, what an odd title for a show.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are fighting for a Wild Card spot.
Coming Next Week: The season premiere of Jon Favreau's DINNER FOR FIVE on Bravo, featuring the cast of DAREDEVIL (Jon, Ben Affleck, Colin Farrell, Jennifer Garner and Kevin Smith).
Chris Ryall
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