By Chris Ryall
Monday, July 11
HOME RUN DERBY -- 8 PM, ESPN
With the recent steroid crackdown, expect the winner of this contest to hit maybe one home run. And even that one will be an inside-the-park job.
WILDFIRE -- 8 PM, ABC Family
Don't let the channel fool you--this show's been offering up its share of sex, tame tho' it is, and other such adult themes. It's no THE O.C., but then again, neither was THE O.C. last season.
ROCK STAR -- 9 PM, CBS
Debut! Wanted! A singer who can belt out INXS songs, as chosen by the audience. Autoerotic asphyxiation tendencies not required. This show's like AMERICAN IDOL, only Dave Navarro's the host, and they actually licensed decent rock music for the contestants to sing.
MURDER IN THE HAMPTONS -- 9 PM, Lifetime
Poppy Montgomery is usually helping solve homicides; instead, she becomes Lifetime's latest victim. But she should have enough of a career left to survive this excursion into televised (over-)melodrama.
SCI FI INSIDE -- 10 PM, Sci Fi
If you can't wait for this Friday and Sci Fi's three science fiction show season premieres, here's a little preview of all three.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Marci Hamilton
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Tom Arnold, DJ Qualls
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: John C. Reilly, Zooey Deschanel
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Tuesday, July 12
MLB ALL-STAR GAME -- 8 PM, Fox
The game's set in Detroit, which would seem to lend itself to all kinds of Detroit jokes, but since I've been to that stadium, it's actually pretty great.
CRITICAL RESCUE -- 8 PM, Discovery
Debut! Wow, I'd hate to be waiting for an ambulance and find out I was considered a "non-critical" rescue. I'd like to think that a rescue by definition would be at least somewhat critical.
ROSE RED -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
This adaptation of the Stephen King novel is three parts? I read this one--it never quite seemed exciting enough to merit even a one-part movie.
GEMS, GERMS & STEEL -- 9 PM, PBS
This National Geographic special... ain't airing on Nat. Geo. Instead, it's a 3-part look at the world's social inequities airing on public television.
EMPIRE -- 10 PM, ABC
This episode is about... oh, let's not even pretend any of you are even watching this miniseries. The fall of the ABC empire?
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Matt Taibbi
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Dakota Fanning, Rascal Flatts
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Scarlett Johansson, the Decemberists
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Wednesday, July 13
BEAUTY AND THE GEEK: THE AFTERMATH -- 8 PM, WB
The words season finale don't really mean much in today's world, do they?
BRAT CAMP -- 8 PM, ABC
Debut! The British have the right idea--rather than deal with the whole pesky issue of parenting, they just ship their bratty kids off to a boot camp. Here, Americans co-opt the idea and turn the cameras on.
SPORTSCENTER -- 8 PM, ESPN
Careful, all you fertile women out there--more hardcore sports fans conceive children the day after the All-Star Game, when there's really not one sport worth watching, more than any other day of the year.
ONE STEP BEYOND -- 8:30 PM, Discovery
Can acupuncture make you "super"? Can someone hold their breath well over three minutes? Can you resist watching a show that maybe holds the answers to these questions? I don't think you can.
30 DAYS -- 10 PM, FX
A guy gives up all modern conveniences and goes to live in an eco-village. Throw in some hydroponic food and other sorts of "green vegetables," too, and you'd have the Woody Harrelson Story.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Bernard Goldberg
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Johnny Depp, Eva Mendes, Shout Out Loud
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Thursday, July 14
HOOKING UP -- 9 PM, ABC
Debut! This special on Internet dating is designed to make the online daters question their methods, but I still think they're much better off than anyone who ever signed up to try to date Trista or the twin brother of the guy from that kangaroo movie.
ROAD HOUSE -- 9 PM, Spike
One of the best bad movies ever. Or maybe it's one of the worst bad movies ever. I'm actually not entirely sure--it might be equal parts of both.
FLIP THAT HOUSE -- 9:30 PM, Discovery Home
Debut! How about instead we flip off whoever had the idea to put out yet another home repair show?
BEING BOBBY BROWN -- 10 PM, Bravo
Is this show scripted? I'm not sure if it's insulting to writers to even ask that question, but this dialogue can'y possibly be real. Please tell me it's not real and that Bobby Brown is nothing but a fabrication.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Fareed Zakaria
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jennifer Connelly, Ludacris, Billy Corgan
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: (R)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jason Ritter
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Friday, July 15
INTO THE WEST -- 8 PM, TNT
The producers of this show are being accused of mistreating Native Americans. They can't give them an agreement to pay them a lot of money and then take it back--that would make them... uh...
MILLION DOLLAR AGENTS -- 8 PM, TLC
Debut! I love renting a place to live and watching people with too much money plot to buy houses that none of us could ever own. What next, a show about celebrities lining up threesomes?
STARGATE SG-1 -- 8 PM, Sci Fi
Season Premiere! Beau Bridges climbs aboard this season. If that's a selling point to you, well, you're not the guy typing this column. But I'm sure he'll be fine.
STARGATE ATLANTIS -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Season Premiere! When that old STARGATE movie with the guy from THE CRYING GAME came out, I doubt anyone in the world thought it had the makings of "franchise." They even got Skinner from THE X-FILES to sign on.
DR. G: MEDICAL EXAMINER -- 9 PM, Discovery Health
Season Premiere! For those of you who think all medical examiners have to look like Quincy, you should check this out. It's not every medical examination show that has an attractive female prodding the stiffs.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA -- 10 PM, Sci Fi
Season Premiere! I know this show hasn't been away for all that long since the last season ended, but it's about time... good TV has been pretty sparse this summer.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Matthew Perry, Nick Cannon, Papa Roach
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Wallflowers
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Saturday, July 16
BRITISH OPEN -- 4 AM, TNT
I don't know who's worse, the people who set their TiVo to watch this later on, or the people who get up at 4 AM to make sure they don't miss a minute.
KING OF THE HILL -- 9 AM, FX
A couple weeks past the big 4th of July marathons, FX is still rolling them out, with this three-hour block of animated red-neckia.
WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY -- 8 PM, ABC
This week, THE PRINCESS DIARIES, starring that little cutie Anne Hathaway, who I predict will be the next one to go "Jessical Biel," if you know what I mean.
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW -- 8 PM, HBO
If you'd prefer to watch a Dennis Quaid movie and not come away from it with contempt for the guy's bad choice, skip this CGI'd mess and check out IN GOOD COMPANY instead.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: TBD; Musical guest: TBD (R)
Sunday, July 17
THE 4400 -- 9 PM, USA
While Sci Fi seems to have science fiction shows locked up this week (see: Friday), this show on USA shouldn't be counted out, either.
ESPY AWARDS -- 9 PM, ESPN
Matthew Perry makes his return to TV by hosting this show. Which is an infinitely better decision than appearing on Matt LeBlanc's JOEY.
SURREAL LIFE -- 9 PM, VH1
Is it even "surreal" any more? Or is it just sad to see people like Janice Dickinson and others we never even really knew back when they were popular still hanging on and looking for attention?
FOOTBALLER'S WIVE$ -- 9 PM, BBC America
Debut! You can tell by the way they substituted the "s" in "wives" with a dollar sign that soccer wives ain't so different than American footballer's wives. Isn't that right, Posh Spice?
SIX FEET UNDER -- 9 PM, HBO
Nice to see this show back where it belongs, douring up Sunday nights. I just hate to get too bummed out on a Monday, with an entire week still to go. Seems much better here. Besides, if it gets you down, just wait until the show that follows it...
ENTOURAGE -- 10 PM, HBO
If you can stay bummed out after watching this show, especially Ari or Johnny "Drama" do their things, well, then, you're just looking for reasons to be bummed. Because this show's the cure for what bums you.
HOGAN KNOWS BEST -- 10 PM, VH1
I kind of like "Wait Til Your Hogan Gets Home," if they're going to name this forced show after an old sitcom. Also, they might want to hire some of Hogan's old wrestling writers to give him some credible dialogue.
MINDING THE STORE -- 10 PM, TBS
Debut! Pauly Shore takes over his mom's business, running The Comedy Store, in this reality show. It shouldn't prove too hard--I think he's been working there as a valet ever since JURY DUTY came out.
ROBOT CHICKEN -- 12 AM, Cartoon
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Breckin "sitcom-killer" Meyer both offer up guest-voices on the show tonight. Don't get me wrong, it's plenty hilarious without them, but Seth Green's friends are always welcome here, too.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are celebrating Bastille Day.
Chris Ryall
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