By Chris Ryall
Monday, August 1
THE SIXTH SENSE -- 8 PM, ABC
I see dead careers...
HELL'S KITCHEN -- 8 PM, Fox
Season Finale! The winner of this show gets to work alongside that prig of a chef, Gordon Ramsey? Wow... congrats, winner. If I were you, I'd go heavy on the salt on the final recipe.
UFO HUNTERS -- 8 PM, History
Can you call yourself a hunter if you've never actually caught even one thing you've gone after? If that's allowed, than consider me an orgy hunter. Er, never mind...
PRIVATE SCREENINGS -- 8 PM, TCM
A look back at Lauren Bacall's career. Recommended for her fans, but not people who operate like that guy in her movie THE FAN.
ROCK STAR: INXS -- 9:30 PM, CBS
So this show's not doing so great in the ratings? Go figure--two-and-a-half hours a week isn't exactly the way to make people miss you. Skip this ridiculous recap show and just give us one good hour a week, please.
WEIRD U.S. -- 10 PM, History
Debut! Tonight only, a new Nazi-free show on the History Channel. A couple would-be mythbusters track down urban legends. I'll believe that when I see the first chupacabra in captivity...
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Fareed Zakaria (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Bill Murray, Son Volt
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Al Gore, Gisele, Incubus
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Venus Williams
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Matt Dillon, Al Roker (R)
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Tuesday, August 2
SURVIVOR -- 7 PM, OLN
Remeber watching SURVIVOR and thinking "man, I'm tired of all these dumb challenges, just tell me who won already"? Well, now you already know who won, so I'm not entirely sure what appeal these repeats hold. But maybe you want to see Richard Hatch naked all over again.
MEET MISTER MOM -- 8 PM, NBC
Debut! Hopefully mister mom has better things to do around the house than watch this new reality show, which seems to think all households still operate in the 1950s mode.
THE TRANSPORTER -- 8 PM, FX
Not a great movie, but since it's heads above reality shows like MEET MISTER MOM, even edited, I'd recommend this just for the fight scenes.
CMA MUSIC FESTIVAL -- 9 PM, ABC
This event used to be called Fan Fair in the '70s, but once the artists balked at having to get near their actual fans, they rechristened it to actually try to draw some names. It worked--they got Alan Jackson, Dolly, Keith Urban and more. As long as the fans don't get too close.
SITUATION: COMEDY -- 9 PM, Bravo
The winner of the "PROJECT GREENLIGHT for Television" is awarded with... a show on NBC? Yep, home to creative powerhouses like JOEY and WILL & GRACE. I'm sure that's who these up-and-comers want to be associated with.
HI-JINKS -- 9:30 PM, Nik
Debut! How nice, a hidden camera show where adults play tricks on unsuspecting kids. Hopefully the kids turn cameras on when they hit up their parents for therapy money years from now.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Sen. Joe Biden
The Late Show with David Letterman: Seann William Scott
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Kate Hudson, the Hayden Brothers, Faith Hill
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Benjamin McKenzie, Jarod Miller
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Wednesday, August 3
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE -- 8 PM, Fox
So you think you can sit through this show? I dare you to try, because I know there's no way I could do it.
BLOW OUT REUNION -- 8 PM, Bravo
Back so soon? I haven't even finished celebrating the fact that you were all gone yet.
BRAT CAMP -- 9 PM, ABC
The bratty kids are left alone in the woods for three days. Didn't our parents read us this story when we were kids? Beware of the witch in the gingerbread house, you young punks.
KATHY GRIFFIN IS... NOT NICOLE KIDMAN -- 9 PM, Bravo
Nope, not even close. But keep up all the plastic surgery there, Kath, you're getting closer every time you go under the knife. Minus the career, I mean.
KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST -- 10 PM, Bravo
Debut! The woman on this show sounds like Kathy Griffin, and claims to be Kathy Griffin, but with all her celebrity-slamming and plastic surgery, proves herself to actually be the Next Joan Rivers. And certainly not the next Nicole Kidman.
TRAILER FABULOUS -- 10 PM, MTV
Debut! Show badly named. Summer is filled with shows about cooking, hair-cutting, dancing... I can't imagine the sports fans are too thrilled with the viewing choices. Which means I must be a big sports fan, because I think all these shows are pretty bad, too.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: John Crawford
The Late Show with David Letterman: Johnny Knoxville
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Sharon Stone, ANT
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Paul Provenza
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Denis Leary, Kevin Nealon
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Thursday, August 4
X GAMES 11 -- 6 PM, ESPN
Dave Mirra and company hit the ramps once again. Expect to hear a lot of TRANSPLANTS music throughout the broadcast--that music seems made for these games.
BLADE RUNNER -- 8 PM, AMC
Psst! Decker is a replicant. Pass it on.
REAL SPORTS WITH BRYANT GUMBEL -- 8 PM, HBO
A profile with the best announcer of all time, the Dodgers' Vin Scully, is all you need to know here. Forget the interview with obnoxious agent Drew Rosenhaus or bad dancer Evander Holyfield, Vin is the reason to watch.
LAW FIRM -- 9 PM, NBC
Has anyone reminded David E. Kelley about his stance that reality shows are terrible? It was only a couple years ago he said this... and now he's chasing the cheap buck and offering up his own. Thanks for standing firm, Dave.
KEPT -- 9 PM, VH1
Season Finale! Skipped.
TEACHERS -- 10 PM, BBC America
Debut! If you're one of those who was traumatized by seeing your teacher in the grocery store or doing regular things, you'll be even more shocked by what they do in this British dramedy.
STARVED -- 10 PM, FX
Debut! Leave it to FX to come up with another envelope-pushing sitcom that actually sounds interesting, too. A cruelly funny show about eating disorders? Finally, a sitcom about vomiting, as opposed to those other sitcoms that mostly just make me want to vomit.
IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA -- 10:30 PM, FX
Debut! It's like CHEERS set in a dive bar, with this new sitcom about four friends trying to run a tacky watering hole. There're much worse shows to model yourself after than CHEERS, making this show sound interesting.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Miles O'Brien
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jessica Simpson
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Rob Schneider, Michael Penn
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Friday, August 5
VERONICA MARS -- 8 PM, CBS
CBS thinks some of you are UPN-phobic, so they're airing some episodes of this worthy show on the Tiffany Network to try to build its audience. I'd rather support UPN than CBS, but as long it gets you watching, it's fine with me.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 8 PM, Fox
Fox is doing what they can to push this show, offering up four more back-to-back episodes tonight. Now the rest is up to you.
BIOGRAPHY -- 8 PM, A&E
This one focuses on good ol' Mitch from BAYWATCH, David Hasslehoff. Can't wait for the bit about JEKYLL AND HYDE, and also the part where they paint on the abs for the slo-mo jogging scenes.
MIDNIGHT MOVIES: FROM THE MARGIN TO THE MAINSTREAM -- 12 AM, Encore
I'd be more interested in this if I knew it didn't mean sitting through more footage from the insufferable and obnoxious ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. Seriously, people like watching that movie because they're stoned. People at home are more often than not sober--let's move past that flick, please.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Hank Azaria, Anthony Anderson, Natasha Beningfield
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Queens of the Stone Age
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jeff Goldblum
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Saturday, August 6
RUDY -- 9 AM, TNT
By the time you're waking up, the real star of this movie, D-Bob, should just about be having his first scene.
MOTOWN: THE EARLY YEARS -- 7 PM, PBS
If you only know Motown from that Michael Jackson moonwalking special, you should really watch this show and see what Motown's all about.
NAKED GUN 33-1/3: THE FINAL INSULT -- 8 PM, AMC
Want to see a funny NAKED GUN movie? Try the first one, or even the second one. But this ain't worth your time. The Final Insult is that I paid to see it in theaters.
MO'NIQUE'S FAT CHANCE -- 8 PM, Oxygen
The PARKERS star produces this plus-sized beauty contest, as judged by people like Shaq and Steven Tyler's plus-sized model daughter Mia. The winner is crowned Ms. F.A.T. (Fabulous and Thick). No, really.
SPIDER-MAN 2 -- 8 PM, HBO
Now this is the way to do a comic book movie sequel. I can only hope those involved in X3 have seen it a few times.
ULTIMATE FIGHT NIGHT -- 9 PM, Spike
Some UFC champs fight up-and-comers in this live event. Which is the closest I've come to a straight listing all week, so enjoy that one.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: TBD; Musical guest: TBD
Sunday, August 7
X GAMES FINALS -- 3 PM, ABC
It all comes down to this--more of the same ramp action, as performed by people who skate mostly because they're too young to get their learner's permits.
SLINGS & ARROWS -- 8 PM, Sundance
Debut! Hey, all you Rachel McAdams fans, and I know that list seems to grow every day, you might want to check out this Canadian comedy.
FILTHY RICH: CATTLE DRIVE -- 9 PM, E!
Debut! What do you do when you can't get real celebrities to star in reality shows about cow-punching? You hire their slacker kids to take their place.
SIX FEET UNDER -- 9 PM, HBO
This show is pretty bleak, tho' well-acted, every single week. But man, after the events of last week's show, I doubt there'll be a more difficult episode to watch than this one tonight.
THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR -- 10 PM, E!
Debut! I've met and talked to (and that's all, unfortunately) some of Hef's girlfriends. All I know is, if you want to do a reality show about them, you just might have to dub in the dialogue.
WANTED -- 10 PM, TNT
It's still tough to see Lumberg acting like a bad-ass cop, but if he tells you he's going to go ahead and need you to do time this weekend, you'd better listen. That'd be greaaaat.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are on the F-List.
Chris Ryall
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