By Chris Ryall
Monday, September 12
THE TYRA BANKS SHOW -- syndicated
Debut: Want to know how to get people to watch this and keep your clothes on, Tyra? Just promise a ridiculous and insane tirade like you did on that UPN modeling show, and I guarantee people will tune in. Don't give us that and, well... at least you're already rich.
MARTHA -- 11 AM, syndicated
Debut: I chose to mention this show's debut here instead of Tony Danza's debut (even if Tony's got Kelly Monaco today), also today, since I think this show might last a bit longer. That doesn't explain the Tyra Banks mention, though.
JUDGE ALEX -- 2 PM, syndicated
Debut: I, the jury, find you guilty of wasting the public's time with yet another insipid judge show.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- 6 PM, ABC
Enjoy this final year of MNF on ABC, all you non-cable-havers (are there any of you left?). Next year, the act moves to ESPN, and Joe Theismann takes over for Al Michaels. Like I say, enjoy it while you can.
ONE ON ONE -- 8 PM, UPN
Season Finale re-air: The first season comes to an end. Um... yeah. Not sure what else to say about this show, other than the fact that they lied to me with this title--I wanted a two-person basketball game each week, dammit.
WILDFIRE -- 8 PM, ABC Family
Season Finale: The first season comes to an end. Um... yeah. Not sure what else to say about this show, other than the fact that they lied to me with this title--I wanted a big, out-of-control fire each week, dammit.
CASH IN THE ATTIC -- 8 PM, H&G
Debut: More of that "crap-to-cash" programming that feels a bit like televised eBay.
ALL OF US -- 8:30 PM, UPN
Season Finale re-air: The first season comes to an end. Um... yeah. Not sure what else to say about this show, other than the fact that they lied to me with this title--I wanted... I can keep this up all week, y'know!
AMBULANCE GIRL -- 9 PM, Lifetime
Kathy Bates plays a... sorry, I know I lost the other half of you that didn't clock out when I said "Lifetime" when I mentioned that this movie stars Kathy Bates.
WIFE SWAP -- 10 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: I do try to find witty (or pithy, or downright stupid) things to say about these shows every week, but you gotta admit, this show's just not worth the mental effort to think of anything.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Chris Mooney
The Late Show with David Letterman: Dr. Phil McGraw
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jarod Miller, Tyra Banks, Tori Amos
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: L.L. Cool J, Danica Patrick
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Eva Mendes, RZA, Chingy
Tuesday, September 13
THE BIGGEST LOSER -- 8 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: I don't know, aren't there already enough reality shows that make you feel glad you're not on them? Do we really need another go-round of a show that just feels like it's there for that reason alone?
GILMORE GIRLS -- 8 PM, WB
Season Premiere: Here we go again, me about to take more crap from guys all over for championing this show. Until they watch it and realize I'm right, that is.
BONES -- 8 PM, Fox
Debut: You know how you waited 6+ years for Angel to crack a smile on his show (or BUFFY)? Well, take that back--he smiles here, too much, and his show copies MOONLIGHTING a bit too much, too.
RIKER'S HIGH -- 8:30 PM, Showtime
This documentary follows around some students at a prison high school. You know you've made a wrong turn if your alma mater is a prison high school...
SUPERNATURAL -- 9 PM, WB
Debut: The thing about watching pilots early is, you have time to reflect on the shows before they air. And I know I was kind of "eh" on this one before but now... well, I'm actually still "eh." But it's better than the similar NIGHT STALKER, anyway.
WORLD MUSIC AWARDS -- 9 PM, ABC
I know the rest of the world has enough reasons to dislike America as it is, so why do we give them even more amunition by forcing acts like Mariah Carey, Bon Jovi, Destiny's Child and others onto them? And why is James Denton hosting this show when he hasn't really shown much personality outside of scripted lines? Didn't stop Diddy, I guess.
HOUSE -- 9 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: I know a lot of people love this show, but I just don't get it. I still think Dr. Cox on SCRUBS could kick House's ass any day, too.
TOMMY LEE GOES TO COLLEGE -- 9:30 PM, NBC
Season Finale: Haven't we learned by now that Tommy Lee should never talk on camera? I learned that years ago, in his first major role outside of music videos.
RESCUE ME -- 10 PM, FX
Season Finale: I know that the majority of the new season's shows start next week, but TV will desperately be a bit worse off until this show returns.
GOING TRIBAL -- 10 PM, Discovery
Season Finale: Now that's the way to end a season--bring on the hallucinogens!
THE REALITY SHOW -- 10:30 PM, MTV
Debut: It's meta, and it really sucks. Now we get reality shows that are about reality shows? What next, a show about people watching reality shows?
IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA -- 11 PM, FX
Season Finale: And so the sun sets in Philadelphia.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Kurt Vonnegut
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jodie Foster, Jack Johnson
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Ellen DeGeneres, Chris O'Donnell, Tracy Chapman
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Now in LA: Josh Duhamel, Ben Harper, the Donnas
Wednesday, September 14
WNBA FINALS -- 5 PM, ESPN2
Otherwise known to most of you as "when is this going to be over so we can watch interesting Deuce shows like curling or cheerleading competitions?"
DIARY -- 7 PM, MTV
Angelina Jolie talks about all the free time she's got to try to solve Africa's problems now that she suckered some movie star into staying home and being a house-husband with her adopted kids.
CBS SNEAK PEAK -- 8 PM, CBS
You know all those annoying promos for CBS's new shows that you've been watching for the past few weeks? Now you can catch them all in one place, and be even more convinced that CBS's new shows don't look so great. Not that I won't still be watching me some GHOST WHISPERER this season... damn you for being cute, JLH!
ROCK STAR: INXS -- 9 PM, CBS
It all comes down to this... well, not really, but this is the penultimate chance for you to catch Brooke Burke in her little outfits before oldies act INXS picks the singer who could most easily be their child.
HEAD CASES -- 9 PM, Fox
Debut: I know I have an extreme dislike for the vanilla Chris O'Donnell (maybe it's BATMAN & ROBIN-based--I liked him in SCHOOL TIES and the Pacino movie), but I do like Adam Goldberg, and yet I don't like the show they're in together at all.
THE 29TH ANNUAL MRS. AMERICA TV SPECIAL -- 8 PM, WE
MRS. America? Is there some reason they don't want guys lusting after single women any more? Is this all just to hammer home the point that these women are unattainable?
MADE IN THE USA -- 10 PM, USA
Debut: Inventors try to invent crap we don't need. You call them "entrepeneurs," but I call them "people hawking crap at the swap meet."
TV LAND CONFIDENTIAL -- 10 PM, TVLand
Debut: Basically, it's the TVL True Hollywood Story, so you know it'll be some very soft-soaped facts and old stories from the surviving actors of classic TV shows.
INSIDE THE NFL -- 10 PM, HBO
Debut: Cris Collinsworth and Bob Costas return, this season joined by Alec Baldwin as the special-guest cheerleader, in this weekly NFL recap.
THE F***ING FULFORDS -- 10:30 PM, BBC America
Debut: I don't even care what this documentary is about, with a title like that. About time the word "F***" works its way into a show title.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Guest Panel
The Late Show with David Letterman: Reese Witherspoon
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Wanda Sykes, Jeff Garlin, Blues Traveler
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Fran Drescher, Amerie
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Carmen Electra, Lifehouse, the Donnas
Thursday, September 15
THE O.C. -- 8 PM, Fox
This show always starts out slow, doesn't it? Well, last season, we did get the ridiculous Marissa primal scene to open the season. This time, we get a BAYWATCH-esque beach montage? Better try harder, guys.
SURVIVOR: GUATEMALA -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: The official subtitle for this show is "The Maya Empire," but we around the MPS office call it "jumping the Mayan shark."
CELEBRITY POKER SHOWDOWN -- 8 PM, Bravo
I fold. Better that than to listen to Rosie O'Donnell and Penny Marhsall this week.
PRIMETIME LIVE -- 9 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: The show kicks off with a scintillating two-hour episode about step-families. Wow, I can hardly contain my....zzzzzzzzz...
REUNION -- 9 PM, Fox
The show jumps ahead to 1987. So expect some Whitesnake on the soundtrack, and enjoy whatever big hair bands they offer up the next couple weeks, because come mid-October, it'll be flannel and grunge.
STARVED -- 10 PM, FX
Season Finale: Rather than watch this show and then vomit it up after, I decided early on to go on a crash diet and avoid it altogether. You'd be amazed how much better I feel.
THE SHOWBIZ SHOW -- 10:30 PM, Comedy Central
Debut: And you are... now very annoying. And we're watching you because... we just don't know what else to do with our time until THE DAILY SHOW starts.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Gwyneth Paltrow
The Late Show with David Letterman: Charlie Sheen
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Donald Trump, Jenny McCarthy, Bonnie Raitt
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: (R)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: David Cross, Jaime King, the Donnas
Friday, September 16
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU -- 8 PM, WB
Season Premiere: From what I can tell, the answer is "nothing."
BIOGRAPHY -- 8 PM, A&E
I bet that Jodie Foster, when she was baring her butt as a kid in those Coppertone commercials, never had an inkling that she'd be the focus of a biography that is very careful not to spend too much time on her choice of partners, but she is.
STARGATE SG-1 -- 8 PM, Sci Fi
Season Finale: Don't worry, sci-fi fans, all you have to do is survive until January and you'll get new episodes of this show.
TWINS -- 8:30 PM, WB
Debut: Sara Gilbert, "fresh?" off of ROSEANNE, the freaky plastic visage of Melanie Griffith and and Molly Stanton all appear together now, but I doubt they'll be doing so come mid-November. Or maybe even mid-October, unless they improve the show quickly.
THRESHHOLD -- 9 PM, CBS
Debut: You say "Carla Gugino," and I say "I'm in." This show also has the added bonus of being an alien conspiracy-themed show, which are never a bad thing. So far. Except for THE NIGHT STALKER (technically not aliens, but deserves to take a shot anyway).
REBA -- 9 PM, WB
Season Premiere: I'm sure this will be a great episode, since the entire cast spent the entire summer being upset about the exorbitant amounts of money they get paid for this low-rated, low-rent sitcom.
LIVING WITH FRAN -- 9 PM, WB
Season Premiere: Better her roommate than me.
MAIL CALL -- 10 PM, History
Season Premiere: R. Lee Ermey, everyone's favorite Gunney Sergeant, is down at Camp Pendleton, working over a grenade launcher. Watch from a safe distance.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Denis Leary, the Wild Boys, Keane
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Steve Carell, Shannon Elizabeth, Dane Cook, Blues Traveler
Saturday, September 17
JULES VERNE'S MYSTERIOUS ISLAND -- 8 PM, Hallmark
Who even knew Jules Verne ever even wrote another book beyond the one about journeying to the center of the Earth? Especially one about a giant scorpion.
SOUL TRAIN LADY OF SOUL AWARDS -- 8 PM, syndicated
Aretha Franklin, who everyone says never gets enough -re-s-p-e-c-t despite the many honorings she's always getting, gets feted here once again.
ARMAGEDDON -- 8 PM, ABC
To thos of you who say that the networks never even try with their Saturday night programming, I'd say here's a bit more evidence for your case.
MAD TV -- 11 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: Good to see Michael McDonald has hung in there on this show, which has admittedly gotten better and better the past few years. So I've heard.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: TBD; Musical guest: TBD (R)
Sunday, September 18
KING OF THE HILL -- 7:30 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: This is to be the final season for the show, which couldn't even get respect from Fox to air its premiere the same week as THE SIMPSONS or FAMILY GUY's premieres. And we'll be left with FG and AMERICAN DAD. Thanks a lot, Fox.
57TH ANNUAL PRIMETIME EMMY AWARDS -- 8 PM, CBS
Donald Trump singing? Never mind the mostly bad nominations, whoever thought this was a good idea, even in a campy or "let's mock the bloated, ego-centric millionaire with the awful hair" sort of way, they should be fired. By Donald or by anyone else, as long as it happens.
THE SIMPSONS -- 8 PM, Fox
Can we all just stop trying to compare current SIMPSONS seasons to past years and just be happy to have new episodes before Thanksgiving? And also be happy that they're not FAMILY GUY?
ROME -- 9 PM, HBO
So this show offers up violence and full-frontal nudity? It's like TAXICAB CONFESSIONS meets REAL SEX, only with better architecture.
MAKING "DAZED" -- 10 PM, AMC
Richard Linklater and some of the DAZED AND CONFUSED cast talk about how they get older and the girls who love this movie stay the same age.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions got robbed of an Emmy nomination.
Chris Ryall
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