By Chris Ryall
Monday, September 26
SURFACE -- 8 PM, NBC
The title of this show is going to get more and more ironic as it sinks deeper and deeper in the ratings...
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 8 PM, Fox
What are you gonna do, finish watching a mediocre Monday Night Football game (ore prepare to start watching it, for you East-Coasters), or catch Charlize Theron on the best comedy on TV? You're right, it's really no decision at all.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER -- 8:30 PM, CBS
This show does nothing special, really, and it follows all the usual sitcom conventions. And yet, it's not bad at all. See, the sitcom isn't dead, not if you actually try when you're developing a show.
KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL -- 8:30 PM, Fox
Confidentially, this isn't the greatest show yet. But it's also not as obnoxious as its pilot would've led you to believe. So far, it's somewhere in the middle, but maybe worth another look.
LAS VEGAS -- 9 PM, NBC
Dennis Rodman and Richard Lewis show up here? Wow, talk about crapping out in only your second show of the season.
HIP HOP HONORS -- 9 PM, VH1
The Ladies Love Cool James, and so do many other people, too, as you'll see here tonight. Bonus: somehow, they got Jazzy Jeff to appear here, too. Give that show booker a raise!
AMERICAN MASTERS -- 9 PM,PBS
Martin Scorsese's love affair with Bob Dylan is once again on full display here, and also tomorrow night in part 2, too. The times, they aren't a-changin' that much, since Marty's long been vocal about his admiration for ol' Bob.
MEDIUM -- 10 PM, NBC
I'm sure this is a quality show and all, even if I get lulled to sleep by it, but I never quite thought I'd see the Emmy voters award someone for bringing back bangs. Congrats on the award and all, Patricia, but that haircut just isn't a favorite of mine.
HOW CLEAN IS YOUR HOUSE -- 11:30 PM, Lifetime
Seaso Premiere: How Boring Is Your Show?
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Ken Mehlman
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jessica Alba, Julian McMahon, Mitch Fatel
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: William Shatner
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Diane Farr
Last Call with Carson Daly: Max and the Attack
Tuesday, September 27
THE AMAZING RACE: FAMILY EDITION -- 9 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: Well, this should be really interesting, since they're bringing little kids onto the show. And by "interesting," I mean in the same was as when Cousin Oliver joined the BRADY BUNCH.
COMMANDER IN CHIEF -- 9 PM, ABC
Debut: Geena Davis plays the President, and based on the current approval rating for the real guy, I have to think that quite a few people would be okay with that. Of course, I'd be for it just to hope that BrundleFly would be the Veep.
SEX, LOVE & SECRETS -- 9 PM, UPN
Debut: This show used to be called SEX, LIES & SECRETS. Believe me, a crappy, forced, stupid show by any other name is still a crappy, forced, stupid show.
BET COMEDY AWARDS -- 9 PM, BET
Slated NOT to appear: Jeff Foxworthy and his Blue Collar Comedy team. In fact, their Winnebago isn't allowed within 500 feet of this show.
BOSTON LEGAL -- 10 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: After getting unceremoniously kicked off of Sunday nights by Sandra Oh and her medical show, now this show has to contend with series-killer Heather Locklear guest-starring on it, too.
SCI FI INSIDE: SERENITY -- 10 PM, Sci Fi
I've recently missed three different opportunities to see a screening of this movie, so by the time I finally do see it, I might end up being the only person to actually pay to do so. [See, they've done a lot of screenings]
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Viggo Mortensen
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jennifer Garner, Bill Paxton, Stephen Stills
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: George Lopez
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Martha Stewart
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Erika Christensen, Scott Caan, Stellastarr
Wednesday, September 28
THE APPRENTICE: MARTH STEWART -- 8 PM, NBC
Nice try at a catch phrase, Martha. Actually, I think it was like three catch phrases, none of which are as effective as her saying "you don't know how lucky you are that you're not going to have to work for tyrannical old me." it's not too late to change to that, y'know.
GEORGE LOPEZ -- 8 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: Alright, this is the show that had a regular reader show up as an extra last season. My challenge to you is, top this--whoever gets on a higher-rated show than this and shares the experience, I'll give you some sort of prize. Like a mention in this spot. In other words, immortality.
BEST OF THE BEATLES -- 8 PM, PBS
When this DVD showed up in my mailbox a few weeks ago, I was annoyed then that the title was so misleading. See, the show's about former Beatle Pete Best, not a "best of" show. Then I remembered that I didn't really care either way.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION -- 9 PM, CBS
You know, in finally watching last season's finale last week, I realize that if Quentin Tarantino wrote and directed every single episode of this show, they'd finally solve the mystery of how to get me to watch each week.
LOST -- 9 PM, ABC
Tonight, the survivors come back up out of the hatch, and we finally get to see what's on the outside of the hatch! Oh, yeah, it's just the island. So much for my spoiler. Oh, and Seven of Nine shows up here tonight, too.
VERONICA MARS -- 9 PM, UPN
Season Premiere: This season, Veronica will wear the exact same outfit she wore when she sang "Fame" at the Emmys a coupla weeks ago. Well, that's what I'd like to see happen, anyway. And Cordelia joins the show tonight, too.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Jeff Garlin
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Cameron Diaz, Paul Reiser, John Randall
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Alec Baldwin
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Matt LeBlanc
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Jeff Probst
Last Call with Carson Daly: Bill Bellamy, The Like
Thursday, September 29
SMALLVILLE -- 8 PM, WB
Season Premiere: The Fortess of Solitude, Princess Leia and Spike this season? More than ever, this show's gonna be geek paradise.
ALIAS -- 8 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: Sydney Bristow is going to be a bit more limited in the costumes she can wear for a while, considering she's expecting and all. But she's surrounded by lots of new people now, so she can relax a bit.
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS -- 8 PM, UPN
If you're part of the everybody why hates UPN, you really need to get over it and watch this show. If you like good comedies, that is.
WILL & GRACE -- 8:30 PM, NBC
Season Premiere: This premiere will be taped live, which is odd, since normally this show is so reticent to do obnoxious stunts to get people to watch.
EVERWOOD -- 9 PM, WB
Season Premiere: Some of the kids head out to college this season, so the show will finally live up to its title...
NIGHT STALKER -- 9 PM, ABC
Debut: Oh, you want to know more about this show? Sorry, I was too busy driving my car around in the huge plot holes. Then again, they've reshot the ending of the pilot, so maybe my earlier pan won't be quite as deserved (I still think it will).
WITHOUT A TRACE -- 10 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: The show ended its season last year with a big gun fight, and rather than pick up the pieces like some shows might, this one keeps the fight going. Not sure how well someone named "Poppy" will fare in a gun fight, though.
E.R. -- 10 PM, NBC
Noah Wylie, who announced very loudly that he was finally leaving this gasping show, is already comign back to it later this season? Guess those movies where he plays an Indiana Jones rip-off aren't quite paying the rent after all.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Sen. Chuck Schumer
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Matthew McConoughay, Angie Harmon, Supergrass
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Brian A. Green
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Sheryl Crow
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Fran Drescher
Last Call with Carson Daly: Molly Sims, Jeremy Roenick, Jasper Redd
Friday, September 30
FIREFLY -- 7 PM, Sci Fi
The SERENITY movie finally opens tonight, so you can technically catch one last episode here before heading out for a late showing of the big-screen version.
GHOST WHISPERER -- 8 PM, Fox
Can I get Tyra Banks to do an episode about Jennifer Love Hewitt's face? I can't quite determine if it's changed due to her aging a tad, or getting it worked on. Don't get me wrong, it's still a good face, just, you know, a little different than I remember it. And no, I wouldn't say I'm quite obsessed with her, but...
THAT YIN YANG THING -- 8 PM, TLC
Debut: A reality show where Eastern and Western methods of conflict resolution are used to end fights. Didn't we already do this 60-some years ago? That show was ended by a Fat Man and a Little Boy in 1945, though, so maybe it's time to do it again. But I don't think so.
MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE -- 8:30 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: This year, Malcolm spends all his money on sports cars and nails Playmates at Hef's mansion. Well, if art imitated life, anyway. You're too young to get married for the first time, Mal.
HOPE & FAITH -- 9 PM, ABC
Season Premiere: Yes, Kelly Ripa's cute, in that obnoxious cheerleader sort of way, but man, this show is just so unbearable... I always hope it'll go away, but I have no faith that it will.
MOVIES 101 WITH PROFESSOR RICHARD BROWN -- 10:30 PM, AMC
Debut: Never mind this NYU prof interviewing people now that James Lipton got canned; what I want to know is, where is the COMICS 101 WITH PROFESSOR SCOTT TIPTON show?
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Paul Walker, Constantine
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jason Lee, Shia LaBeouf, Gavin Rossdale
Saturday, October 1
THE BATMAN -- 8:30 AM, WB
Batgirl makes her first appearance on the show here, and I think it's a pretty safe bet that it will just be the first of many such appearances. Guys love the Batgirls.
MY NAME IS EARL -- 8 PM, NBC
Good on ya, Jason Lee, having the highest-rated new show of the season so far. For those who missed the premiere, here y'go again. Watch and win a little sitcom lottery of your own.
MAKING THE BAND -- 8 PM, MTV
Season Finale: Alright, now that this and that unwatchable MTV Video Awards show are both done, can we please pull the Pepsi commercial and never mention the name "Diddy" on television again?
ONE COUNTRY -- 8 PM, CMT
A Hurricane Katrina benefit featuring a lot of country folk is shown here. And for every dollar donated, Willie Nelson has promised to take a hit off his bong. He's a giver, that Willie.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: Steve Carell; Musical Guest: Kanye West
Season Premiere: A couple new guys join the show, one of whom cut his teeth on "funny" shows like PUNK'D (no, it's not Ashton). The other comes from Second City, and both will try to make everyone forget that Tiny Fey's clever writing will be missing for a while until she comes off maternity leave.
Sunday, October 2
COLD CASE -- 8 PM, CBS
COLD CASE is using CREED in its promos? As a way to attract people to watch it? Well, use a COLD band for a show about COLD cases, I guess.
CHARMED -- 8 PM, WB
2 Simple Rules to get people of both sexes to watch--add Kaley Cuoco and the male model from SEX IN THE CITY to the show. Yep, it's witchcraft.
GREY'S ANATOMY -- 10 PM, ABC
I know Ellen Pompeo on this show and it's supposedly a hit and all, but whenever I see her, it just makes me want to rent OLD SCHOOL again.
PARCO P.I. -- 10 PM, CourtTV
Combine this bald P.I. with the hirsute skip-tracer Dog, the Bounty Hunter and you just might get a guy with a normal head of hair. But I doubt it.
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM -- 10 PM, HBO
All the repeated SEINFELD syndicated airings and the DVD sets have done nothing but stoke my enthusiasm for this show. Nice to have you back, Lar, even if you're not comfortable being back. In fact, I hope you're not comfortable being back.
EXTRAS -- 10:30 PM, HBO
Well, I thought the OFFICE/MY NAME IS EARL hour was the best hour of comedy on TV right now, but leave it to HBO to make me wonder if I was too hasty in that pronouncement.
THE BOONDOCKS -- 12 AM, Cartoon Network
Debut: The sometimes insightful, sometimes inciteful newspaper strip from Aaron McGruder joins Adult Swim tonight. Look for Huey and Riley to make some dated black references and drop the N-word every now and then, too.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions appear in a column about nothing.
Chris Ryall
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