By Chris Ryall
Monday, October 31
STAR WARS: EMPIRE OF DREAMS -- 8 PM, A&E
Never mind the extras on the new EPISODE III DVD; this behind-the-scenes look at the original trilogy will improve your smile-to-grimace ratio that took a hit after watching the latest flick.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- 9 PM, ABC
The Steelers take on the Ravens in a grudge match that no one outside of Pittsburgh and Baltimore will even be able to fake any enthusiasm for.
MEDIUM -- 8 PM, NBC
Here's a three-episode block of shows, all of which should serve as a discouragement to any of you ladies who're considering wearing bangs again.
POLTERGEIST -- 8 PM, TCM
This movie's been parodied and joked about so often now that it'd be easy to forget that it actually had some scary scenes, courtesy of Tobe Hooper. Or did Spielberg take credit for those...?
HOUDINI: UNLOCKING THE MYSTERY -- 8 PM, History
The man died 79 years ago on Halloween, and this marks the 78th straight televised look at his life and death. Or so it seems.
PRISON BREAK -- 9 PM, Fox
How great a name for a psycho, pedophile convict is "T-Bag"? Even better, the guy playing him just radiates sleaze. Nice to see a bad guy on a show that's actually convincingly bad.
THE SCORNED -- 9 PM, E!
The reality "stars" of this summer's crap-fest reality show KILL REALITY! (if only), Trish and Playboy model/REAL WORLD CHICAGO roommate Tonya Cooley show up here in this movie, for hopefully the last time.
REEL HOMES -- 11 PM, HGTV
A look at the real homes of scary movies like HALLOWEEN, THE SIXTH SENSE, and THE RING.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: D.L. Hughley
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Rosario Dawson, Ozzy Osbourne, Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Scarlett Johansson, The Decemberists
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Dean Koontz, Trey Anastasio
Last Call with Carson Daly: Big Bad Vodoo Daddy
Tuesday, November 1
NBA BASKETBALL -- 8 PM, TNT
Season Premiere: The Spurs play the Nuggets as the basketball season begins. In other words, for us Laker fans forced to deal with a guy named Smush this season, "the countdown to the Lottery" starts here.
DREAM DECODERS -- 8 PM, Discovery Health
You're eating a donut while walking through a door that leads to a train headed into a tunnel, and you need to watch a show to have this dream decoded for you? I can handle this one.
HOUSE -- 9 PM, Fox
In a surprising turn of events, House pisses everyone off, says abrasive things and then is proven to me a medical genius. Not a lot of variety to these episodes, is there? At least the dude from OFFICE SPACE and SWINGERS has signed on.
25 STRONG: THE BET SILVER ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION -- 9 PM, BET
This reminds me, a quick note of congrats to new BET President Reggie Hudlin. Something cool about the president of BET also writing comics on a regular basis.
THE OFFICE -- 9:30 PM, NBC
No ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT or OFFICE last week... rough week for comedy on TV. At least one's back this week, and AD gets some actual Sweeps play throughout November, so things are looking good.
LAW & ORDER: SVU -- 10 PM, NBC
Another (lesser) listing of this show mentioned that guest-star Dean Cain "ditches his cape"... but let's be honest--Dean Cain hasn't been allowed near a Superman cape in about 10 years now.
NIP/TUCK -- 10 PM, FX
Guys who love girls, be very wary of this episode. First, can't-make-up-her-mind Anne Heche starts a recurring stint; even worse, face-by-DuPont Joan Rivers returns. At least she left Melissa at home.
RANDOM 1 -- 10 PM, A&E
Debut: I don't know, maybe there's something wrong with me, but these shows about do-gooders helping the less-fortunate just don't do anything for me. Maybe that means I'm in need of a makeover myself.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Sen. Barbara Boxer
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jimmy Smits, Elon Gold
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Neil Young
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Maria Bartiromo
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jason Schwartzman, Mike Jones
Wednesday, November 2
THAT '70S SHOW -- 8 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: Has this show only been only for seven previous seasons? It seems like it's lasted longer than the '70s themselves. Good move jumping ship, Topher.
GLOBAL WARMING: THE SIGNS AND THE SCIENCE -- 8 PM, PBS
I'm not sure who decided "she oughta know," but Alanis Morisette hosts this first of two shows designed to scare you about the state of the world.
FREDDIE -- 8:30 PM, ABC
In my ongoing efforts to suffer for my art to bring you the best, most informed column possible (*cough*), I actually watched part of this show. And if Sarah Michelle Gellar is able to convince her husband/star that she's not totally disgusted by this show and his work on it, then she's the best actress working today.
THE APPRENTICE: MARTHA STEWART -- 9 PM, NBC
I have a feeling that NBC executives would like to write a letter to Martha the same way she writes to the people that aren't quite right for her company.
RX FOR SURVIVAL: A GLOBAL HEALTH CHALLENGE -- 9 PM, PBS
This look at disease and pestilence in Africa is hosted by Brad Pitt, who was has figured out that smoking less weed and being more socially minded is the way to get great sex from his new girlfriend. Anything that keeps him from making a sequel to THE MEXICAN.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Mike Wallace
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Dr. Phil, Dennis Rodman, Dwight Yoakam
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Ozzy Osbourne, Black Star, Josh Hutcherson
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: John Krasinski, Neil Young
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Jeri Ryan
Last Call with Carson Daly: Donnie Wahlberg, storm chaser Jeff Piotrowski, David Gray
Thursday, November 3
GET SHORTY -- 5 PM, USA
Remember this movie, and how entertaining it was? Yes, that was in the days before the awful BE COOL made me hate that movie and this one, just for spawning that mess of a sequel.
SMALLVILLE -- 8 PM, WB
Sure, Brainiac Spike didn't do much yet, but just you wait. You also get evil Luthor, and Lois Lane in a bikini (or Aquaman shirtless, for those who prefer that) this season. And the Fortress of Solitude, too. Who even needs Bryan Singer's upcoming movie? Plus, Luke Duke stops by to see his brother tonight, too.
THE O.C. -- 8 PM, Fox
Now that that baseball nonsense is over--and it sure ended anticlimactically, didn't it?--THE O.C. is back. And if you're like me, you don't remember a thing that had happened so far this season. And the best part is, it makes no real difference.
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS -- 8 PM, UPN
But at least they're watching Chris, unlike JOEY. With this show, even when the kid playing "Chris" hits his awkward growth spurt, it should still work, as long as they keep giving his TV dad Julius things to do. He ties this whole show together.
THRESHOLD -- 9 PM, CBS
I can't think it helps your show's chances when Stephen King takes a smack at you in a national magazine. Sorry about that, Karen Sisco.
TRADING SPOUSES: MEET YOUR NEW MOMMY -- 9 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: What's gone so wrong in your upbringing that you'd have any desire at all to watch horrible white-trash moms rant and rave? I'd suggest you just call your own mom instead of watching this tripe.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: David McCullough
The Late Show with David Letterman: Carlos Santana
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Nicollette Sheridan, Al Franken, Fiona Apple
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Def Leppard
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jake Gyllenhaal, Xzibit, Neil Young
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Charlie Sheen, Franz Ferdinand
Last Call with Carson Daly: Kareem Abdul Jabba, Louis XIV
Friday, November 4
EMERIL AND ELMO'S HEALTHY START -- 8 PM, Food
Debut: One's an obnoxious stuffed puppet who utters nonsensical expressions... and the other is a Muppet. Both team up here to show your kids how to cook. Yep, kids, open flames, it's a magical combination.
OUTLAWS -- 8 PM, CMT
Toby Keith, Merle Haggard, Billy Joe Shaver, Shelby Lynne, Jack Ingram and David Allan Coe all show up here tonight. Curiously, LeAnn Rimes wasn't asked to participate.
SOUTH OF NOWHERE -- 8:30 PM, The N
Debut: Hey, kids, I know you're bummmed about being stuck home on a Friday night, but you 'tweeners just aren't supposed to be driving yet. Still, buck up--you don't have to waste your night on Jen Love Hewitt's treacly show; instead, there's a new teen drama in town, starting right here.
I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE -- 9 PM, Discovery
And you shouldn't be calling yourself actors, all of you over-emoting cheesebags that show up in these tacky re-enactments.
MASTERS OF HORROR -- 10 PM, Showtime
If only the comic release schedule was as frequent as this show's schedule... still, IDW's third and fourth issues will adapt this episode, Stuart Gordon's update on an old H.P. Lovecraft story, "Dreams in the Witch-House."
BIOGRAPHY -- 10 PM, A&E
The story so far: she was born with a silver spoon stuck in an orifice, and raised by bad parents. She possesses one expression, bored indifference. And she can't stay away from a camera for two seconds. Remind me again what Paris Hilton has done to deserve this profile. Oh, yeah, right--HOUSE OF WAX.
REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER -- 11 PM, HBO
Season Finale: I know he's hard to look at and is a bit over-bearing and pushy in his opinions, but dammit, there's just something about the little Leprechaun's show that I enjoy.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Billy Crystal, Ryan Adams
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jennifer Love Hewitt, 6-year-old piano prodigy, John Fogerty
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Dane Cook, Raul Midon
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: David Spade, D.L. Hughley, Neil Young
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Gina Gershon
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jeff Garlin, Fred Willard, Jessica Kirson, Fall Out Boy
Saturday, November 5
JOHNNY CASH IN SAN QUENTIN -- 8 PM, CMT
In this 1969 concert, Johnny sings about shooting a man in Memphis just to watch him die, while lots of guys who shot men in Memphis and other cities just to watch them die look on in admiration.
WANTED: TED OR ALIVE -- 8 PM, OLN
Debut: Can't Ted Nugent go get back together with DAMN YANKEES instead of getting a new show? Because I'm sure even fewer people would know about that than will know about a new show on the Outdoor Life channel.
DOGTOWN AND Z-BOYS -- 8:45 PM, IFC
If you're ever curious about the whole "Dogtown" thing, please, do yourself a favor and watch this worthy documentary and not the bad LORDS OF DOGTOWN movie instead.
GEORGE CARLIN: LIFE IS WORTH LOSING -- 10 PM, HBO
Life isn't quite worth losing yet; not until after you've seen George rant and rave one more time. Luckily for us, if not for his blood pressure, old age hasn't exactly mellowed the man.
MAD TV -- 11 PM, Fox
How much do you think he can bench press? Fred Willard stops by here tonight, which automatically makes it worth watching.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: TBD; Musical guest: TBD
Sunday, November 6
DICKIES 500 -- 3 PM, NBC
Waaaay too easy.
THE SIMPSONS -- 8 PM, Fox
It's the Simpsons' 16th Treehouse of Horror here tonight, which means it's probably going to once again be one of the most inspired, funny shows of the season.
NATURE -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere: Did anyone out there have any idea that shis show's been on for 23 years now? Yep, seven years before THE SIMPSONS' "Treehouse of Horror" began, this show was looking at, I'm assuming, nature. I'm personally waiting until its silver anniversary before giving it a look.
CATEGORY 7 -- 9 PM, CBS
The subtitle for this cheeseball take on the cheeseball DAY AFTER TOMORROW is "The End of the World." Which means, for two hours at least, Jerry Falwell will be right for once. Even better (or worse), Shannen Doherty, Gina Gershon and Randy Quaid ("hot" off his last disaster flick, ID4), are all along for the ride.
LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT -- 9 PM, NBC
Mr. Big and Private Pyle try to track down guys with major malfunctions in this two-hour block of episodes. Enjoy the Pyle while you can, since he's only in half the episodes this season. "Exhaustion," you know.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES -- 9 PM, ABC
Oh, cool, Leslie Ann Warren returns tonight. Just in time, too, because the show hasn't quite been annoying enough this season.
EXTRAS -- 10:30 PM, HBO
Season Finale: Oops, just in time, but I'm finally on board with this show. Gervais's smiling and eager to please mug isn't as disturbing as it was at first, and the show's finally gotten as funny as I expected it to be. I'm just choosing to pretend that Ben Still episode never happened. Professor X guest-stars here tonight, too.
THE BOONDOCKS -- 11 PM, Cartoon
Debut: I know the comic strip seems dated, poking fun at "topical" subjects like Bill Cosby and Ronald Reagan, but somehow when it's animated, it works a bit better.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions will finish with a better record than the Clippers.
Chris Ryall
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