By Chris Ryall
Monday, November 7
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- 9 PM, ABC
I know the Patriots have beaten the Colts the last six times they've played, but let's be honest--the Pats are very beatable this season, and the Colts aren't usually beatable until the early rounds of the playoffs.
THE INSIDER -- 7 PM, NBC
It's Good vs. Evil this week, as Kelly Ripa inexplicably agrees to be interviewed here by the harpy she replaced in the morning, Kathie Lee. Wonder which one comes out ahead here? Bonus: see Pat O'Brien continue to humiliate himself and not even seem to realize it.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 8 PM, Fox
Finally, it's back! And after the amazingly boring and low-rated World Series, I bet Fox has never been so happy to have the show back new. And for an entire hour tonight.
TWO AND A HALF MEN -- 9 PM, CBS
Martin Sheen does his son Charlie a favor and drops by his show. Meanwhile, his other son is up to a bit more lofty work, with a movie on Bobby Kennedy in the works. Then again, Emilio's movie has Demi Moore and Lindsay Lohan, so it's not like that won't be laughable, too.
LAS VEGAS -- 9 PM, NBC
The show flashes back to the 1960s, when James Caan was only in his early '50s. I don't remember any other '60s programs having so many quick cuts and choppy edits, though.
GIRLFRIENDS -- 9 PM, UPN
Melvin Van Peebles might be 80, but he still dresses better than you. However, he could use a little more guidance when it comes to picking sitcoms to guest on.
CSI MIAMI -- 10 PM, CBS
That pasty red-headed guy, Horatio, teams up with Lieutenant Dan here, in part one of two attemps to boost CSI NY's ratings. Wouldn't kill this show if more people watched, either.
VIVA BLACKPOOL -- 10 PM, BBC America
Um... what is this? A cop show where the cast breaks out into musical numbers? Steven Bochco, too bad this show wasn't around during the COP ROCK days. Because it's actually a pretty good model to follow, as far as singing-cop shows go.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Sen. Barack Obama
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jennifer Aniston, 50 Cent
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Dana Carvey, Steve Irwin, Jamiroquai
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Paul Rudd, Keith Urban, Kate Hudson (R)
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Joe Firstman
Tuesday, November 8
AMAZING RACE: FAMILY EDITION -- 9 PM, CBS
You get two full hours of squabbling parents and kids tonight. Which should serve as pretty effective birth control for those of you who were thinking about going down that road.
SUPERNATURAL -- 9 PM, WB
Killer insects? They're doing an episode with killer insects and didn't try to line-up a crossover with MANSQUITO? Talk about a missed oportunity.
HOUSE -- 9 PM, Fox
R. Lee Ermey is tonight's "sweeps" guest-star, but all of us fans of his work in FULL METAL JACKET, or even in the crappy CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake, know that R. Lee Ermey on regular television isn't all that interesting. The man and his mouth belong on pay cable.
ALL-STAR SALUTE TO PATTI LABELLE -- 9 PM, UPN
I don't know that seeing Kelly Rowland and Nelly sing old LaBelle songs would get me to tune in. Actually, it'd get me to do the opposite of that. But Big Boi showing up makes it a bit more worthwhile.
BAD GIRLS -- 9 PM, BBC America
Debut: Don't let the name, or premise of women in prison fool you. This isn't exactly an update of CAGED HEAT we're talking about here. It's a bit more of a sobering take than that, unfortunately. Waste of a good prison shower, y'ask me.
NIP/TUCK -- 10 PM, FX
It's kinda funny that the lead actors on this show aren't into the whole "Carver" storyline. I know, it sucks to have to do a story that gets even more people tuning in. Whatever it takes to make me forget about Julian McMahon's participation in the FANTASTIC FOUR movie, I say.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Sen. John McCain
The Late Show with David Letterman: Matthew Broderick, Teri Garr
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Martha Stewart, Terrence Howard, Big and Rich
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Pamela Anderson, Paul Anka
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: 50 Cent, Jennifer Aniston
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Freddie Prinze Jr., Citizen Cope
Wednesday, November 9
PAPER CLIPS -- 7:30 PM, HBO
A documentary about school kids who had to collect millions of paper clips to represent people killed during the Holocaust? Might as well just engrave the Emmy trophy now.
PIONEERS OF PRIMETIME -- 8 PM, PBS
This look back at live TV in the '50s is a good reminder that not all live TV or reality-themed shows have to be as bad as most of them now are.
STACKED -- 8:30 PM, Fox
Season Premiere: Whew, I was starting to run out of brainless sitcoms to mock. Christopher Lloyd, I hope you're getting a lot of money for this show.
LOST -- 9 PM, ABC
Well, should I tell you ahead of time who dies? Or should I let you just find out? Hmm... spoil things, or say nothing, spoil things or say nothing? I suppose I'll take the high road. For this death, anyway.
VERONICA MARS -- 9 PM, UPN
SERENITY creator Joss Whedon is rewarded for his vocal support of this show with a guest-spot as a car rental clerk. So his reward isn't exactly glamorous, but maybe it'll at least bring in whatever BUFFY and ANGEL fans aren't already watching this solid show.
ON STAGE AT THE KENNEDY CENTER -- 9 PM, PBS
Steve Martin collects the Mark Twain Prize here, an honor bestowed upon him for his work as Navin R. Johnson, no doubt. And whatever else he's done since then.
CSI NY -- 10 PM, CBS
It's part two of CBS's latest attempt to salvage the ratings of a show that should best be chalked up as a "noble attempt to milk the CSI cash cow a bit more" and then cancelled.
DRAWN TOGETHER -- 10:30 PM, Comedy
Let me just apologize again for talking the pilot of this show up a year or so ago. That was before I realized what a total blight on the comedic landscape it would turn out to be.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Keira Knightley
The Late Show with David Letterman: Trey Anastasio
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Nicole Richie, Jon Favreau, Angie Stone
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Patton Oswalt
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Sarah Silverman, Donald Trump, Patti Smith
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Dennis Rodman, O.A.R.
Thursday, November 10
THE O.C. -- 8 PM, Fox
The show is finally back new, just in time for me to have lost pretty much any interest in whatever was happening before the baseball playoffs began.
NBA BASKETBALL -- 8 PM, TNT
The Rockets take on the Miami Heat, so Shaq has yet another chance to try to get the best of Yao Ming. Although I tend to think those days are a bit behind the Big Hyperbole.
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS -- 9 PM, UPN
Between the kid who plays Chris, and Julius, his dad, this show doesn't even need Chris Rock's voice-over any more to be a good show. But it's a nice bonus as long as it lasts, anyway.
NIGHT STALKER -- 9 PM, ABC
How can you tell it's "sweeps" month? Lots of two-parters. In this show's case, that just means one story to skip for the next two weeks.
REUNION -- 9 PM, Fox
Just in time to enter the flannel era, you finally get to find out which of the kids on this show doesn't make it to the present-day scenes. I say "you," because I've already tuned out.
ER -- 10 PM, NBC
I think I'm totally with you, Rebecca Romijn. I don't even watch John Stamos's show and I'm already sick of him. If you feel the same way, skip this show and next week's, too.
NEW BREED VETS -- 10 PM, Animal Planet
Debut: Cool, even more animals for hist Steve Irwin to dangle his kids in front of.
THE SHOWBIZ SHOW -- 10:30 PM, Comedy
Wow, David Spade made a joke last week about Ashley Simpson lip-synching. He's so cutting-edge and dangerous with his humor now! What next, saying Jessica Simpson's not a great actress, or making a Madonna "fake English accent" joke? Seriously, Comedy Central, you're deserve better than this. Stop it now.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Chris Elliot
The Late Show with David Letterman: Steve Martin
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Garth Brooks, Patricia Arquette, Jimmy Wiggins
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Xzibit, Sarah Silverman
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Robert Downey Jr., Steve Irwin, Alison Krauss
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Eve, Ariel Gade, The Bravery
Friday, November 11
THE GOLDEN GIRLS 20TH ANNIVERSARY MARATHON -- 12 PM, Lifetime
Remember when you thought Blanche was kinda hot but Rose was so much sexier? Er... me, either... that was, uh... a friend of mine. Or something. Um, well, check back with me after you watch 11 straight hours of the show here. I mean, my friend, check back with my sick friend who had those thoughts when I, uh, he, was a kid.
THE BERNIE MAC SHOW -- 8 PM, Fox
Anthony Anderson shows up here. And I don't know how many of the stories about Tony going a bit crazy on-set in the past are true, but let's just leave this with a mention that he guest-stars here and move on.
MAIL CALL -- 8 PM, History
Gunny Sgt. R. Lee Ermey takes his first trip back to Vietnam, where he fought in 1969. That's one way to get over shellshock, revisit the old haunts with a camera crew in tow.
THRESHOLD -- 9 PM, CBS
Elizabeth Berkley does a guest-spot here, and the news--you can decide if it's good or bad, depending on your tastes--is that she shows up here without any ice cubes. I know the guys out there at least will get that reference.
THE WIZARD OF OZ -- 9 PM, TBS
I know the commercials are obnoxious when you have the brand-new DVD release out there, but still, you know you're much more inclined to watch this airing of the old flick than you are to sit down and throw in the DVD.
MTV EUROPE MUSIC AWARDS -- 9 PM, MTV
The good news: FOO FIGHTERS and GREEN DAY show up to perform. The better news--the awful MTV Awards-killer P. Diddy is nowhere to be found.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Kelly Ripa, Jim Gaffigan
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Eva Longoria, 10-year-old patriot, Kenny Chesney
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: 50 Cent, Christopher Meloni
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Keira Knightley
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Ozzy Osbourne, CKY
Saturday, November 12
LOONATICS UNLEASHED -- 10:30 AM, WB
Have the people who came up with this lame, anime-inspired take on Bugs Bunny and his cohorts even heard of Chuck Jones? You'd never know it from this show.
HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS -- 7:30 PM, TBS
Um, how about, how the Grinch is trying to steal our Thanksgiving, which is still weeks away? I'm all for the animated version of this (I like it as much as I loathe the movie) but... come on. Only grocery stores and malls are supposed to start with the Christmas decorations this early.
MY NAME IS EARL -- 9 PM, NBC
NBC realizes it's got a good thing here--as opposed to their Thursday night shows--and gives you a four-episode chance to experience it for yourself, those of you who've held out thus far.
LOCUSTS: THE 8TH PLAGUE -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
You know what I'm going to say almost before I can type it, don't you? Yep, this Dan Cortese movie can only be saved by the unbeatable MANSQUITO. Where the hell is my MANSQUITO sequel, by the way?
TRADING SPACES -- 9 PM, TLC
Season Premiere: Like you can tell the difference between a new episode and an old one.
SWINGERS -- 10 PM, IFC
ZATHURA is quite a long way from this movie, ain't it, D-Bob? I have to say, I miss the struggling actor and the thin Vince Vaughn, both of whom made this one helluva good movie.
MAD TV -- 11 PM, Fox
For those of you who're surprised that MAD-TV is still on after 250 episodes, you're in for a treat--Pam Anderson, who no one thought would be around for 250 anythings after her "work" on HOME IMPROVEMENT, shows up here to help celebrate.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: Jason Lee; Musical guest: Foo Fighters
Sunday, November 13
2005 MLS CUP -- 3:30 PM, ABC
Sorry, I usually try to list things I think at least some people might watch. In this case, I slipped up and listed a soccer game instead. Won't happen again.
BASIC INSTINCT -- 4 PM, Spike
I'm pretty sure that an airing of this movie at mid-day on a Saturday means it'll be pretty heavily edited. But it might still be worth watching for the footage of Newman in the interrogation room, and also to see Sharon Stone when she was still partially sane.
PENN & TELLER: OFF THE DEEP END -- 7 PM, NBC
Future Howard Stern replacement Penn Jilette, and Teller, too, head underwater for this new magic special. No BULLSHIT.
SHADOWS IN THE SUN -- 7 PM, ABC Family
You wouldn't think oft-nude Harvey Keitel would find a way to drop his pants on an ABC Family movie, but he does. And DAWSON'S CREEK's Pacey is dragged down with him. Not literally, mind you, but... well, you know what I mean.
CATEGORY 7: THE END OF THE WORLD -- 9 PM, CBS
Well, they couldn't get Dan Cortese for this one, but they did get another bad actor, Shannen Doherty, and even Gina Gershon, too. I can see where the end of the world might require some big talent like these two.
SNL: THE '80S -- 9 PM, NBC
Ahh, to be on SNL in the '80s. Hang out with Eddie Murphy in his prime, hook up with your kid's babysitter, do some dianobol... yep, Piscopo, like was pretty good for you once. Once.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES -- 9 PM, ABC
Can we all just stop with the DH-bashing this year? Let's be honest--the show isn't as bad this year, and wasn't as good last year, as everyone is making it out to be. Just goes to show how starved people are for a halfway decent show, and how fickle people can get after a few episodes that give them that.
GREY'S ANATOMY -- 10 PM, ABC
What kind of a world is it where the gawky doofus from CAN'T BUY ME LOVE is talked up as sex symbol by his female co-stars, and where the fat doofus from STAND BY ME is engaged to a supermodel? I'm with you, Corey Feldman, it doesn't seem quite right.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions have been trying to get Alec Baldwin to guest-write a column for November "sweeps."
Chris Ryall
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