By Chris Ryall
Monday, December 5
ISAAC -- 7 PM, Style
Debut: Unfortunately, this show isn't all about the guy who played SHAFT or "Chef" on SOUTH PARK, it's about that designer with the bad hair. Even worse, that AMERICAN IDOL guy with the worse hair, Bo Bice, appears, too.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 8 PM, Fox
It's gone! No, it's back! Well, it'll be gone soon, for good, so enjoy these final episodes while you can. The few of you who watch the show at all, I mean. Those of you who don't, set your TiVo for STACKED and leave us alone.
THE TRIANGLE -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Bryan Singer and Dean Devlin being behind this Bermuda Triangle movie makes me think it has a chance, at least as long as I don't think too closely about Devlin's involvement in movies like ID4 and GODZILLA.
WAKING THE DEAD -- 9 PM, BBC America
Season Premiere: Even the Brits are guilty of bringing in new characters on a show's season premiere in hopes of getting you to watch. But they're not plucky little kids here, so that's a bonus.
RECIPE FOR A PERFECT CHRISTMAS -- 9 PM, Lifetime
Take one schmaltzy Lifetime movie
Add one remote control
Change channel
Watch something interesting on another channel
There--anyone can make this one at home.
WANTED -- 10 PM, TNT
As a comic book tough guy-type friend of mine (and yes, there is such a thing) would say, this is the most "manly" show on TV right now. Don't let his role as Lumberg, or Mike Brady fool you, either, Gary Cole is pretty damned bad-ass on this show.
REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES CHALLENGE -- 10 PM, MTV
Season Premiere: Have at it once again, has-beens. My money's on the one vacuous girl and the vapid guy.
TV GUIDE AND TV LAND PRESENT THE 100 MOST UNEXPECTED TV MOMENTS -- 10 PM, TVLand
Debut: I've found that the entertainment factor of shows is inversely proportional to the number of words in its title. LOST=interesting. This show, running for five nights and full of clips you've seen way too many times before? You do the math.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Jimmy Carter
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Sarah Jessica Parker, Isaac Mizrahi, Bo Bice
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Tim Robbins, Isla Fisher, Common
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Donnie Wahlberg, David Gray. House band, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Tuesday, December 6
KATHY GRIFFIN: ALLEGEDLY -- 7 PM, Bravo
Old Kathy Griffin, she of the kinda cutely off-center appearance, used to be pretty funny. New Kathy Griffin, she of the plastic face and the fading career, just seems overly rude and needy.
A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS -- 8 PM, ABC
If you're looking for holiday entertainment that works in Christian themes without being obnoxious about it, never mind that movie about the Lion and the witch who live in that closet, this is the better, and much shorter, choice.
BILLBOARD MUSIC AWARDS -- 8 PM, Fox
This show celebrates, essentially, the Top 40. Which means, unless you like pablum like Carrie Underwood and R. Kelly, this show's gonna really blow.
PARTY/PARTY -- 9 PM, Bravo
Debut: This new reality show looks at two new parties every episode, one of which is a high school graduation party. Not sure how they plan to get around network Standards and Practices for the big cocaine scenes, though.
VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOW -- 10 PM, CBS
I'm sure the network will lose some conservative advertisers and get their share of complaints from the Christians, but for the rest of us, at least those of us who enjoy the partially clad attractive women, it's a bit of an early Christmas present.
DAISY DOES AMERICA -- 10 PM, TBS
Debut: Actually, Daisy seems to do the unscripted sitcom version of "DA ALI G SHOW," playing a clueless Brit set loose in America. And yet Borat can't get his own show here? I blame the gypsies.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Michelle Yeoh
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Ron Howard, Rachel Ray, Brian Wilson
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Adrien Brody, Patti Smith
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Dennis Rodman, O.A.R. House band, Joe Firstman
Wednesday, December 7
AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL -- 8 PM, UPN
Season Finale: For those of us who'd never watch crappy TV shows in the daytime, the end of this show's season means we won't have to see Tyra Banks for a while, which is something. And Peter Brady will soon have more dating fodder, too, once the winner is crowned.
WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS -- 8 PM, HGTV
This might be interesting, but I'd rather see how all the Whos in Whoville down below are celebrating their holiday instead.
GOING HOLLYWOOD -- 9 PM, TLC
Debut: it's not quite the same as "going hogging" but it's not too far off. Some desperate wannabees, and there really aren't any other kind, toil for Robert Evans, Kevin Spacey and Method Man. Their week one task: finding Robert Evans, Kevin Spacey and Method Man new agents.
KATH & KIM -- 9 PM, Sundance
Season Premiere: The third season of this Aussie mockumentary (thanks for the info, Emma!) kicks off here tonight. If you watch tonight, you'll be one up on me for "total number of KATH & KIM episodes watched."
EPITAFIOS -- 9 PM, HBO Signature
Debut: HBO has commissioned their first Spanish-language drama here, and while the name itself doesn't exactly roll right off the (American) tongue, from all indications, this crime drama is damned good. Note: this counts as my first real sight-unseen recommendation of the week.
PROJECT RUNWAY -- 10 PM, Bravo
Season Premiere: Heidi Klum and her next group of would-be designers show up and... well, I don't know what they do, but I'm sure it's pretty tedious.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: David McCullough
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Tommy Lee Jones, Sarah Silverman, Diana Krall
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Faith Evans
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Coldplay, Colin Hanks
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Freddie Prinze Jr. Citizen Cope. House band, Joe Firstman
Thursday, December 8
Happy Birthday, Mom!
JOEY -- 8 PM, NBC
Finally, a big character from FRIENDS stops by! Well, actually, it's just Adam Goldberg, who appeared on a couple episodes of FRIENDS, and here is playing someone else. But JOEY will take any help he can get.
SMALLVILLE -- 8 PM, WB
You know there's always going to be four or fifteen shows that do a take-off of A CHRISTMAS CAROL or IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE every season, and here's one. Not sure if "Kryptonite" was ever in the original Dickens book.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION -- 9 PM, CBS
In their continuing effort to live off the Quentin Tarantino episode from last season, Nick now runs into the daughter of the dude who buried him alive in that episode. They meet and go out for $5 milkshakes.
THREE WISE GUYS -- 9 PM, USA
A Tom Arnold movie? Yeah, out. But the fact that Katey Sagal shows up here only serves to remind me yet again how badly I'd like some new FUTURAMA episodes.
MAKING THE BAND -- 10 PM, MTV
Season Finale: Now that this crappy show has foisted another crappy band onto the world, can we please get back to figuring out how to make RUBIN-ESQUE a reality instead?
ICONOCLASTS -- 10 PM, Sundance
this interview between new divorcee Renne (BRIDGET JONES) Zellwegger and the reporter Jones was modeled after, kinda, Christine Amanour, should be eye-opening. Except for Zellwegger, that is--she stopped opening her eyes in 1999.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Jake Gyllenhaal
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: George Clooney, Trey Anastasio
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: (R)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Luke Wilson, Demetri Martin
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Patton Oswalt, The Sounds. House band, Max & The Attack
Friday, December 9
DEAR SANTA -- 8 PM, Fox
Hey, Tony Hawk, if you're looking for a way to keep up your "cool" rep, I'd suggest doing the triple lindy on your skateboard rather than appearing alongside Clay Aiken on some awful Christmas special.
BIOGRAPHY -- 9 PM, A&E
Sean Penn gets profiled, and since they go in chronological order, the bits where Penn smiles or laughs will be over before the first commercial break.
BEYOND NARNIA -- 8 PM, Hallmark
If you're wondering if this special is family-friendly, well, not only is it on a channel that makes ABC FAMILY look scary, but it's also produced by "Faith & Values Media." So no need for the V-chip here, anyway.
GREATEST MEN OF THE YEAR -- 8 PM, CMT
Not that I pay attention, but from what I've seen of the girly dudes singing country nowadays, Gretchen Wilson should win this. I mean that as a compliment to her... not so much to the dudes.
COSTAS NOW -- 9 PM, HBO
Bob announces his "Sportsman of the Year" tonight. Hmm, Terrell Owens or Lance Armstrong? It's a coin toss. You know it won't be anyone from the Chicago White Sox, since not even Costas watched this year's World Series.
MOVIES THAT SHOOK THE WORLD -- 10 PM, AMC
Tonight, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. It might have shaken the world, but I think all it did for the stars, other than Heather whats-her-name, is give them false hope of acting careers.
MASTERS OF HORROR -- 10 PM, Showtime
John Landis' episode airs tonight, but even more exciting than that is the fact that Brian Benben, way late of HBO's DREAM ON, is the star.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Scarlett Johansson, Larry the Cable Guy, Fall Out Boy
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jeff Garlin, Fred
Willard, Jessica Kirson, Fall Out Boy
Saturday, December 10
MIAMI VICE MARATHON -- 6 AM, TVLand
Every time an episode of this cheeseball-but-entertaining show airs, an angel gets his wings. Or, at least, that angel muses over whatever happened to Philip Michael Thomas, anyway.
ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE -- 7 PM, VH1
This Stax-powered documentary looks at '60s and '70s soul, including people like Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett and Sam and Dave (not Hagar and Lee Roth).
ICE WARS: BATTLE OF THE SEXES -- 8 PM, CBS
An ice-skating show featuring Brian Boitano, Nancy Kerrigan Oksana Baiul sounds like the set-up for a joke... and it is. The punchline is those of you who actually watch.
PAINKILLER JANE -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Congrats to Jimmy Palmiotti and Joe Quesada for getting their comic made into a TV movie, especially one featuring the sexy Emmanuelle Vaugier, and even moreso for getting Richard Roundtree to guest-star. And even more moreso if it's better than WITCHBLADE.
CODE BREAKERS -- 9 PM, ESPN
Ths remake of the 1951 West Point scandal stars Scott Glenn, who even 25 years later looks like there's no way John Travolta ever could've kicked his ass in URBAN COWBOY.
VIDEO GAME AWARDS -- 9 PM, Spike
Sam Jackson hosts this show, and the Chili Peppers, Snoop Dogg and Ozzy all perform for people who were born after their first records were released.
AMERICAN SOLDIER -- 10 PM, CMT
Season Finale: I have no joke to make here, really. There are two episodes airing back to back and, um, that's about it. Probably not a top-rated show in Iraq, anyway.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: Alec Baldwin; Musical guest: Shakira
Sunday, December 11
SURVIVOR: GUATEMALA -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Finale: Another Survivor is about to be crowned the winner, and another big yawn is about to ring out at the Ryall house.
EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION HOLIDAY WISHES -- 8 PM, ABC
You know what'd be more cool than this? Easy answer: anything. But beyond that, if they used the holiday show to build entire houses out of gingerbread. Okay, that'd suck, too, but maybe a little less.
DARE TO DREAM -- 8 PM, HBO
A show about women's soccer? Dare to watch, more like.
AMERICAN DAD -- 9:30 PM, Fox
Like DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES isn't enough of a parody? Now this heavy-handed cartoon is going to further mock the show here. And with Seth McFarlane involved, you can believe it'll be full of more cheap jokes than unfunny voices. But only just.
SURVIVOR REUNION -- 10 PM, CBS
Just in time, for those of you who were having a hard time going two minutes without any SURVIVOR-related programming.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions win Best Opinions of the Year, in our opinion.
Chris Ryall
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