By Chris Ryall
Monday, December 12
ELTON JOHN: RED PIANO -- 8 PM, NBC
Who would really make this show grueling to watch? No, not Tim Rice. Justin Timberlake. Pam Anderson shows, too, but for some reason, I doubt we'll get a wardrobe malfunction in this special. Not on Pam, anyway.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 8 PM, Fox
Little elf James Lipton is back for now, just like the show. For all I know, he was back last week, too, but my damn DVR didn't work properly. Why is it only the shows you want that don't record properly? Wait, strike that...
HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS -- 8 PM, Cartoon
Yes, it's the good original cartoon, not the awful, soul-sucking and painful movie version. Not that I have issues with the movie version or anything.
KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL -- 8:30 PM, Fox
This episode was slated to run in November, and didn't, and since it might not last much longer as it is, I'd suggest catching it now while you can.
FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR YEAR-END MARATHON -- 10 PM, Nick
Because Will Smith's old comedy is just too good to wait until the actual end of the year...
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Adrien Brody (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jack Black, Sinead O'Connor
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Anthony Hopkins, Howie Mandel, Coldplay
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Korn
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Lara Flynn Boyle, Steven R. Schirripa, New Pornographers
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Joe Firstman
Tuesday, December 13
BONES -- 8 PM, Fox
Enjoy this show while you can, because it won't be long before Fox yanks it in place of the much more awful AMERICAN IDOL. Yeah, Fox is pretty moronic, thanks for asking.
KING KONG -- 8 PM, TCM
Yep, you can get the entire original movie right here. And somehow, even 70+ years later, it's really lost none of its charm. Especially compared to the '70s version.
THE AMAZING RACE -- 9 PM, CBS
Season Finale: One family will win, but even better, all the remaining annoying families will head back to obscurity once again. The show lived up to the final word in its title this season, but definitely not the second word.
HOUSE -- 9 PM, Fox
SEX IN THE CITY's late-blooming lesbian Cynthia Nixon stops by here with the latest Mystery of the Week. This show feels like it's stuck in a loop even more than JLH's ghost-whispering show.
MY NAME IS EARL -- 9:30 PM, NBC
Why is THE OFFICE pre-empted this week? Because of a longer FEAR FACTOR, of all the asinine reasons. Luckily, iTunes can hook you up with all the OFFICE you want. And you get EARL a half later here, too, before the big Thursday night move in a few weeks.
NIP/TUCK -- 10 PM, FX
Is there a TV show plastic surgeon? Because this show could use some work--trim the fat, cut out the dangling plotlines and inject a little sense into this season.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Howard Stern
The Late Show with David Letterman: Sarah Jessica Parker, John Witherspoon
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Steve Martin, Chris Brown
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Death Cab for Cutie
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Heidi Klum, Carson Kressley, Jake Shimabukuro
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Spoon
Wednesday, December 14
CHRISTMAS IN BOSTON -- 8 PM, ABC Family
Doesn't Christmas in Boston revolve around lots of drinking, analying Ben Affleck's career and discussing what the Sox need to do to get back to their '04 level? Sounds like an odd premise for a family-oriented movie, but I'll go with it.
CHRISTMAS IN WASHINGTON -- 8 PM, TNT
Wait, how can Christmas be in two places at once? If it's in Boston, how's it also here in D.C.? One of these Christmases is a fake! Actually, from the sound of these shows, both of 'em are.
VERONICA MARS -- 9 PM, UPN
Hey, who's that tubby, bearded and charming video store clerk in tonight's repeat episode? I'm not sure, but he looks a bit familiar...
A CHRISTMAS CAROL -- 9 PM, TNT
Professor Charles Xavier plays the old miser. And for some reason, he looks a lot like the captain of the Starship Enterprise, too. It's old, from 1999, but it's still a good'un.
CSI: NY -- 10 PM, CBS
Ever spend time in a panic room, the focus of tonight's episode? I have to say, they're not so bad. Throw a toilet in there, and they'd be almost livable.
SIT DOWN COMEDY WITH DAVID STEINBERG -- 10 PM, TVLand
Debut: TV Land's new interview show starts with a chat with a guy who's his own favorite actor, Mike Myers. Expect a bit more next week, when new gentile Larry David drops in.
HISTORY ROCKS -- 11 PM, History
Debut: This new music-themed show looks back at how certain songs evoke different eras, and the music from particular years. Meaning, no Nazis, not in tonight's "1979" episode. Please let this also mean there's no Gloria Gaynor sighting, either.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Tom Brokaw
The Late Show with David Letterman: Stephen Colbert
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Ralph Fiennes, Carmen
Electra, Michael McDonald
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Cypress Hill
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Donald Trump, Susan Tedeschi
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Mekhi Phifer, Fort Minor
Thursday, December 15
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS -- 8 PM, UPN
Finally, a Christmas-themed show that doesn't take off on the Dickens story. Instead, we get a take-off on A CHRISTMAS STORY. It better have the leg lamp here, that's all I know.
THE O.C. -- 8 PM, Fox
On this "Chrismukkah" episode, Ryan gets Bar Mitzvahed. I wasn't aware they could do that for high school students in their late 20s, but I guess it's fiction, after all.
THE APPRENTICE -- 9 PM, NBC
Season Finale: The Donald dooms some other poor schmuck to a career that involves listening to him talk about himself. If it's possible to fire oneself, that's what I'd recommend for the winner here.
GIGANTO: THE REAL KING KONG -- 9 PM, History
A look back at a 10-foot-tall gorilla that lived 9 million years ago. Yawn. At least dinosaurs 9 million years ago had some size to them--10 feet? That's not so impressive. A biplane would make a mess of ol' Giganto.
PETER JENNINGS REPORTING -- 10 PM, ABC
The late Peter Jennings reports for the final time, in this special that takes on the health-insurance industry. Luckily, he'll never have to see Katie Couric do the evening news thing, either.
CELEBRITY AUTOBIOGRAPHY: IN THEIR OWN WORDS -- 10 PM, Bravo
Debut Celebrities read fromthe autobios of other celebs. For a future episode, I'd love to see Kathie Lee Gifford read Howard Stern's PRIVATE PARTS. But they'll all have to work hard to outdo Bea Arthur reading Pam Anderson's book during Pam's recent roast.
ICONOCLASTS -- 10 PM, Sundance
Michael Stipe, not a big meat-eater, hangs out with Mario Batali, who likes to cook up his meat. Yet somehow, I'm still not hungry for this big pairing.
TSUNAMI: ONE YEAR LATER -- 9 PM, Travel
Thailand is much better, people, and still highly recommended. Seriously, Phuket could use some income, and it's a beautiful spot this time of year, so don't let the disaster from a year ago keep you away. Uh, but maybe don't load up on chicken whle you're there, either.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Sarah Jessica Parker
The Late Show with David Letterman: Alec Baldwin
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Colin Farrell
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Christopher Masterson
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jack Black
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Jeremy Roenick
Last Call with Carson Daly: Dermot Mulroney
Friday, December 16
BIOGRAPHY -- 8 PM, A&E
Now, I understand charity, and helping the less-fortunate. But I'm pretty sure even some starving Africans think tonight's subject, Angelina Jolie, should go hit a beach every now and then, too. And I'm pretty sure her new au pair, Brad Pitt, wouldn't try to talk her out of that, either.
SCOOBY DOO CHRISTMAS -- 8:30 PM, WB
The good news: Mark Hamill does voicework here. The bad? Jim Belushi does, too. Good: Peter Scolari (well, good for his wallet, anyway). Bad: Kathy Kinney, because who knows what her voice sounds like, anyway?
FRIDAY NIGHT WITH GREG GIRALDO -- 8:30 PM, Comedy
Greg Giraldo used to be a lawyer? Somehow, I just can't see it. Luckily, you can see him do his thing, alongside Jay Mohr and a few other stand-ups.
IN THE MOMENT -- 10 PM, CMT
A special that looks at the making of Carrie Underwood's recent, inexplicable chart-topper? What's to show? Record an entire CD, and when it's all done, invite the next generic AI singer to stop by for a day and sing the lyrics. That's about it.
FAMILY BONDS: THE FINAL EPISODE -- 11:30 PM, HBO
Never mind these bail bondsmen, what about that last episode of CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM? I always knew Ali G would be in Heaven, but I'm not so sure about Borat... although I hope so. (Yes, this mention was all over the place. Hug it out, huh?).
The Late Show with David Letterman: Dr. Phil, Bill Scheft
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jennifer Aniston, Allen Covert, Aaron Neville
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Barbara Walters, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Keaton Simons
Last Call with Carson Daly: Carmen Electra, Fireball Ministry
Saturday, December 17
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN -- 8 PM, CBS
Is it heartless to say that my favorite part of this is the bit where the warm greenhouse air melts the annoying snowman into a puddle? I can take dentist-elves and three bears and Burgermeisters, but I could never stand this lump of frozen ice for some reason.
MEET THE SANTAS -- 9 PM, Hallmark
Well, just when I'd about abandoned hope of seeing a sequel to Steve Guttenberg's SINGLE SANTA SEEKS MRS. CLAUS, my wishes are granted. If I was Bizarro Chris, that is. But the real Chris, me am hate this movie.
SHALLOW GROUND -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
I have to say, I realllly want to write a movie for the Sci Fi channel. Everything they do lately is just a piece of C-movie gold. Isn't that right, MANSQUITO?
MAD TV -- 11 PM, Fox
I bet you think Neil Patrick "Doogie" Harris is pretty edgy now, right? Well, just wait until tomorrow night.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: Jack Black; Musical guest: Neil Young
Sunday, December 18
ONCE UPON A MATTRESS -- 7 PM, ABC
Somehow, I never quite pictured Carol Burnett and Tracey Ullman showing up in a remake of the PRINCESS AND THE PEA musical that Burnett first acted in in '59, but then again, I never picture Burnett or Ullman at all.
THE SIMPSONS -- 8 PM, Fox
It's not just Halloween that gets the three-ep treatment now, it's also Christmas, with this "Christmas Treehouse of Holidays." As long as Santa's Little Helper gets some play here, since it all really got started thanks to him.
SLEEPER CELL -- 8 PM, Showtime
Finale: The 10th and final episode of this terrorist-themed show comes to an end. What next, a multi-part series about the avian flu? We have CNN for this kind of thing.
THE CHRISTMAS BLESSING -- 9 PM, CBS
Rebecca Gayheart showing up here, I understand--she needs the money to pay for traffic schoo. But Neil Patrick Harris, too? Dude, you've got a little "heat" right now--you can turn these kinds of things down.
FAMILY GUY -- 9 PM, Fox
A high point in Charles Durning's life? Surviving and medaling in WW II back in the '40s. One of the lowest? Being reduced to voicework here on this show.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions wish that liquid puddle of Frosty had evaporated, not reconstituted.
Chris Ryall
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