By Chris Ryall
Monday, January 23
DEEP SEA UFOS -- 8 PM, History
It's not hard to catch my attention, in a geeky sort of way. You throw "UFO" in the title, and I take notice in spite of myself. You add "Deep Sea" to that, making it at least a different version of the same show that never solves any mystery, and I'm even more taken by it.
EMILY'S REASONS WHY NOT -- 9 PM, ABC
No, wait, this won't air here--a BACHELOR rerun will go instead. Despite blanketing LA in EMILY billboards, ABC trusted it to air for all of one week before cancelling it. And this is one of the networks we're hoping treats ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT right?
24 -- 9 PM, Fox
Sure, four hours last week was a bit too much to take all at once, but any time you get Jack Bauer saying "the only reason you're still conscious is because I didn't feel like carrying you," you know 24 is back. And I wouldn't want to be the hobbit who sides against him.
A LITTLE THING CALLED MURDER -- 9 PM, Lifetime
Somehow, the presence of Judy Davis on this movie makes me loathe the idea of it and this channel just a little less. But only just a little.
COURTING ALEX -- 9:30 PM, CBS
Debut: Jenna Elfman bored me as a free spirit before, and she's even more boring as a straight arrow in this show. My point? I prefer shows that don't feature Jenna Elfman, no matter what her role. Maybe it's just me.
LOVE MONKEY -- 10 PM, CBS
Well, I doubt the creators of this show would deny they're big Nick Hornby (and JERRY MAGUIRE) fans, but derivative or not, I kinda liked the first one.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Fred Barnes
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jennifer Lopez, James Carville, Ladysmith Black Mambado with Sarah McLaughlin
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Anthony Hopkins, Caroline Rhea, Mick Foley
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Tuesday, January 24
SCRUBS -- 9 PM, NBC
SCRUBS hits its 100th episode, and brings in fellow "great sitcom" star Jason Bateman to help celebrate in the second new ep airing tonight (the first is directed by Zach Braff and features an OZ parody). Now if only both shows were coming back next season, all would be well...
COMMANDER IN CHIEF -- 9 PM, ABC
It made no difference for ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, unfortunately, but maybe Geena Davis' Golden Globe win will bring it new viewers. Won't work on me, however.
BAD GIRLS -- 9 PM, BBC America
Season Premiere: Good title--check. Women in prison scenario--check. Boring relationship-style reality show--unfortunately, check.
BOSTON LEGAL -- 10 PM, ABC
David E. Kelley loves the Betty White (see: that one David E. Kelley movie that you didn't see the first time it was out), and he gets a chance to prove it again here tonight.
QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY -- 10 PM, Bravo
Kevin Bacon and his brother get a makeover tonight. Kevin, even Supercuts could've helped you clean up a little, but I guess you would've gotten less plugs in for your band.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Anthony Hopkins
The Late Show with David Letterman: Bernie Mac, Beth Orton
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jamie Foxx, Olympic freestyle aerials team, Emily Deschanel
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Jordana Brewster, She Wants Revenge
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Mart Stuart
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Wednesday, January 25
JAMIE FOXX: UNPREDICTABLE -- 8 PM, NBC
Not hardly, Jamie. The only thing unpredictable about you is how great your current state of self-love is going to grow. As far as comedian/actor/rappers go, Will Smith looks humble next to you.
LOST -- 9 PM, ABC
Tonight, we get Charlie's backstory. Yep, we get to find out how he left the other hobbits and hooked up with the hottest cast member on this show. Finally, my questions will be answered!
BONES -- 9 PM, Fox
In a move guaranteed to bring in that all-important TV Land fanbase, Laverne DiFazio guest-stars tonight. You can tell we're not quite at February Sweeps just yet. But do note that the show's moved to this new spot, so set the TiVo when you watch LOST.
VERONICA MARS -- 9 PM, UPN
In yet another example of not-quite-February-Sweeps casting, Xena Warrior Princess shows up here. Not sure I'd buy her as a high school student, though. Luckily, she's playing a Fed instead.
INVASION -- 10 PM, ABC
Tonight, this show offers up some flashbacks to a plane crash and also some past backstory for one of its characters. Careful about going to that same well one too many times, ABC.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: Mischa Barton, Jeff Altman
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jason Lee, Nickelcreek
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Bernie Mac, Yellowcard
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: The Ying Yang Twins
Thursday, January 26
SMALLVILLE -- 8 PM, WB
In this 100th episode, poor Chloe gets offed. Well, I don't know that for sure, but come on, the bullseye on her head is so big, they might as well call her "Ensign Chloe." (I know, I rip on LAVERNE & SHIRLEY fans earlier then make a STAR TREK joke. But it's my column.)
THAT '70S SHOW -- 8 PM, Fox
Mary Tyler Moore's agent somehow suckered her into appearing in three episodes of this show. Which, while it raises the class of the show, still makes me not sorry in the least to see it go away. It feels like HAPPY DAYS after Richie left the show.
CSI -- 9 PM, CBS
Faye Dunaway brings her reality-show histrionics to a show that's always benefitted from not casting overly dramatic people. Ah, well, like I say, we're still a week or two off from the good stunt-casting.
MY NAME IS EARL -- 9 PM, NBC
Each week, I notice someone new on this show and realize what an unsung cast of talented folks show up here. Before, it was Jamie Pressley, but lately, Crab Man and Randy have been really standing out lately.
BEAUTY AND THE GEEK -- 9 PM, WB
This show? Good idea, and fun execution. A spin-off, that reverses the roles and has plain girls and vapid guys? Bad idea, that should be executed.
FINAL REPORT -- 9 PM, National Geographic
Debut: This show looks at the way news broadcasts have handled big stories of the recent past. Even the news is in reruns now?
THE OFFICE -- 9:30 PM,NBC
Happy to see Steve Carell win the Golden Globe, but then again, I would've been fine with anyone other than Charlie Sheen winning it. Braff, David and Jason Lee were all worthy, too. But I hope that award does boost this show's viewership, anyway.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Bernard Henri-Levy
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jake Gyllenhaal, Steve Irwin, Seether
The Jimmy Kimmel Show:
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jordana Brewster
Friday, January 27
GENERAL HOSPITAL -- 3 PM, ABC
Okay, it's a bit sad to admit this, but for one summer before high school (ie: before drinking), I watched this show. Just happened to be the Robert Scorpio glory days. He shows up back here, but until he drags Frisco and Felicia, and Anna Devane, back, too, I still don't care.
THE EMPEROR'S NEW SCHOOL -- 7:30 PM, Disney
Debut: Just in time, a spin-off of the 6-year-old Disney movie. I look forward to THE RESCUERS' new TV show any day now, too.
THE BERNIE MAC SHOW -- 8 PM, Fox
Well, Bernie, as you approach your 100th episode, buried here on Friday nights as you are, I'd remind you that MALCOLM was similarly moved to Friday and is now being put out to pasture. So, you know, save that syndication money.
THE BOOK OF DANIEL -- 10 PM, NBC
So let me understand this--God shows up as a teenager and talks to a high school girl, and the show wins Emmys. But God's kid shows up in the robes and beard and the religious zealots' heads explode? That's a strange line you draw in the sand, o religious zealots.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Joaquin Phoenix, Jo Coy, Alanis Morisette
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Martin Lawrence
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Lewis Taylor
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Saturday, January 28
THE WINTER X-GAMES -- 2 PM, ABC
The biggest regret most of the competitors have about these X-Games being held in the winter is the fact that the warm clothes covers up all of their tats and piercings. Wow, this column's full of "grandpa"-sounding moments this week, isn't it?
MUSICAL MOVIE MARATHON -- 3:30 PM, ABC Family
If you've ever been dying to hear Adrian Zmed sing "Reproduction" and then Kelly Clarkson and Sideshow Justin sing in some bad beach movie, this is the day for you. It's not quite the day for me, however.
STRANGE DAYS AT BLAKE HOLSEY HIGH -- 7 PM, Discovery Kids
Series Finale: If a show I've never heard of ends its run, does it make a sound? Maybe not in my house, but the show and its wormholes and time-stopping watches and all that sounds like it would've been fun for the kids.
AUSTIN CITY LIMITS -- 9 PM, PBS
Watching live music on television for long periods of time just doesn't work for me, but all of you WIDESPREAD PANIC fans might not agree with me tonight.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: TBD; Musical guest: TBD
Sunday, January 29
THE SIMPSONS -- 8 PM, Fox
Homer's headed back to Vegas, but this time, he doesn't come home with a new wife and Ned Flanders' name tattooed across his butt. I think.
SAG AWARDS -- 8 PM, TBS
I nominate Charles Durning and Della Reese! Oh, wait, that means "Screen Actors Guild." Well, sorry, but I figure that since this week's "jokes" have been worse than usual, I'd carry that right through to the end.
JOAN & MELISSA'S GUIDE TO THE GRAMMYS -- 8 PM, TV Guide
Yep, because when you think "musical knowldge," you think of Joan & Melissa Rivers. Then again, they're talking about the Grammys, one more old fixture that doesn't know too much about music.
THE WATER IS WIDE -- 9 PM, CBS
You can immediately tell two things from this title: one is that it's got to be based on a book (it is, from novelist Pat Conroy) and two, it's going to be deathly boring as a made-for-TV movie.
JIM GAFFIGAN: BEYOND THE PALE -- 9 PM, Comedy
Comedian Gaffigan, who's yet to break through to the big time, or even the BLUE COLLAR COMEDY time (that's not such a bad thing) does a show from Chicago that probably won't feature too much profanity.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions could use a Joe Miller Jokebook, or even a Jim Gaffigan one, for some new material.
Chris Ryall
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