By Chris Ryall
Monday, October 20
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- 5:30 PM, ABC
WHo would've ever thought the Kansas City Chiefs would be this much better than Al Davis' team? Don't wear red in Oakland tonight if you want to keep all your limbs intact.
YES, DEAR -- 8 PM, CBS
Look, CBS, people already watch BIG BROTHER (don't they?). So can you please stop the "synergy" and the lame plot lines that has Jimmy on this show move into the BROTHER house?
THE NEXT JOE MILLIONAIRE -- 8 PM, Fox
Season Premiere! In the "good news" portion of our show, that wood block Evan Marriott is gone, but the bad news is, the butler, and the show, are back and they brought some redneck with them. Bring on the gold-diggin' Euros!
SKIN -- 9 PM, Fox
Debut! Romeo and Juliet in the adult film industry, they say! More tame than the Spice Channel in Utah, we say, with acting that's almost that good.
I LOVE THE 80S STRIKES BACK -- 9 PM, VH1
Seriously, I remember the `80s. There's no need for a sequel to VH1's flash-back show, and yet, here it is.
RENO 911! -- 10 PM, Comedy Central
Season Finale! Hopefully this Halloween-themed episode is just the clincher for Comedy Central to bring this funny-ass show back next season.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Drew Barrymore, Harris Wang, Shelby Lynn (R)
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: John Leguizamo, Anna Paquin, Louis CK
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD (R)
Tuesday, October 21
TANGO & CASH -- 8 PM, TBS
Well, now that Arnold is governor, we can all go back to laughing at another faded action star like the star of this, Sly Stallone. Or keep laughing like we have been, since 1985.
AT FIRST SIGHT -- 8 PM, ABC Family
Ironically, this movie about someone getting a new pair of eyes made me want to gouge out my eyes.
ALL OF US -- 8:30 PM, UPN
This episode was "written by" Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith, meaning they approved of what other people wrote. But that takes talent, too.
ACCORDING TO JIM -- 9 PM, ABC
Jim gets in trouble for showing a scary movie to his kids or something. Was it RED HEAT? MR. DESTINY? K-9?
GQ MEN OF THE YEAR AWARDS -- 9 PM, Spike
I guess since it's a GQ thing this means all the winners dress nice, but since it's on Spike TV, they probably have wife-beaters under the Armani. Still, Jon Stewart appears, which is reason enough to watch.
NIP/TUCK -- 10 PM, FX
Season Finale! Season finale right now? I guess Fox wants leave FX open to showing re-airings of their crappy new shows rather than this pretty-entertaining one.
NEWLYWEDS -- 10:30 PM, MTV
Season Finale! Damn, with this show ending for now, where will we get our fix of shamelessly vapid celebrities on television? Oh yeah, everywhere.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Kevin Smith, Rosie O'Donnell and Boy George, Jack Black (R)
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Clyde Peeling, Simon Cowell, Wendy Northcutt
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Wednesday, October 22
SUGARLAND EXPRESS -- 7 PM, TCM
Here's your chance to catch the work of Steven Spielberg and Goldie Hawn before they both got annoying.
MIX IT UP -- 8 PM, WE
Debut! Well, that trailblazer Courtney Cox better be happy for FRIENDS, because when out on her own, her inventiveness is about as fresh as...the last two seasons of FRIENDS. Hence, her new home-makeover show, beginning here.
PREDATOR -- 8 PM, FX
Come on, Carl Weathers, you know we'd vote for you, too. Especially if you campaign while wearing the HAPPY GILMORE wooden arm.
HARD ROCK LIVE -- 8 PM, MTV
If you look closely at this performance from QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE, you can almost see some smoke emitting from your TV. Which can be taken one of two ways, but is meant both.
UNSOLVED HISTORY -- 9 PM, Discovery
Explore the power of the unfounded accusation in this look back at the Salem Witch Trials. Maybe they'll finally explain who names their kid "Cotton," too.
KAREN SISCO -- 10 PM, ABC
The ubiquitous Bill Lumberg, also appearing an hour earlier on THE WEST WING, will be here. Consider this your TPS memo informing you to watch the show, mmkay?
SOUTH PARK -- 10 PM, Comedy Central
Season? Premiere Not sure it constitutes a full season, but the first of eight new episodes airs tonight. Followed by the debut of...
KID NOTORIOUS -- 10:30 PM, Comedy Central
Debut! How could Robert Evans' wife have split right before this show, loosely based on his life only just a tad more animated, gave him a successful second act?
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Howard Dean, Lyle Lovett (R)
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Antonio Banderas, Zoe Saldana, Big Sandy and his FLy-Rite Boys
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Thursday, October 23
FRIENDS -- 8 PM, NBC
Not sure if it'll have any impact on your decision to watch or not, but Christina Applegate is back on the show as Rachel's sister.
INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO -- 8 PM, Bravo
If you haven't caught the Clint Eastwood episode that we wrote about here, now's your chance.
HOLLYWOOD JUSTICE -- 8 PM, Court TV
Since Robert Downey Jr. actually did hard jail time for his drug use, this is one of the few instances where the title of this show is more or less applicable.
SCRUBS -- 8:30 PM, NBC
I can't imagine there's a huge crossover audience who cares, but LAW & ORDER: SVU's Chris Meloni makes an appearance here.
WITHOUT A TRACE -- 10 PM, CBS
This week, a search for a missing paparazzo. The crew doesn't seem to be searching quite as frantically as on other weeks...
WOMEN ROCK! SONGS FROM THE MOVIES -- 10 PM, Lifetime
Yes, women rock. Brody Armstrong rocks. Karen O rocks. Meg White rocks. Hell, Liz Phair, Chrissie Hynde and Pat Benetar still rock. But the women represented here tonight, Celine Dion and Mya and Dolly Parton and Mandy Moore...they most certainly do not rock.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Robert Downey Jr., Blue Man Group (R)
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Martin Lawrence, Mandy Moore, Joe Buck
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Friday, October 24
ANGEL EYES -- 8 PM, TNT
Y'know, I mocked movies like this and J-Lo's ENOUGH pretty mercilessly and then found myself in front of the TV right when ENOUGH came on. Two hours later, my mocking was a bit more hypocritical.
MISS MATCH -- 9 PM, NBC
In an effort to save this worthy-enough show, NBC has moved it to all of an hour later. Yeah, that should do the trick.
BOSTON PUBLIC -- 9 PM, Fox
Dennis Miller guest-stars here tonight, which means that the ratings will drop, at least at Elton John's house.
NEW ROSWELL: KRECKSBURG EXPOSED -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
It must be getting close to Halloween, since there's been a recent glut of new UFO-themed shows. This one explores a potential landing in PA in 1965.
F-15 -- 9 PM, History
Some Operation: Iraqi Freedom pilots help toast one of the best planes in the world.
P.I. -- 10 PM, FX
Debut! This new show takes private dicks and makes 'em a bit more public.
HURT BERT -- 11:30 PM, FX
Debut! For those of you with violent tendencies but not enough of a lethal instinct to Kill Bill, now you can just lash out at comedian Bert Kreischer.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Katie Couric, Al Franken, Cirque du Soleil
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Allison Janney, Ron Livingston, Hot Hot Heat
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Saturday, October 25
WORLD MUSIC AWARDS -- 8 PM, WB
An awards show that everyone in the world cares about. With the exception of the United States, that is.
SLEEPING BEATUTY -- 8 PM, ABC
How come animation from over 40 years ago is still better than just about anything anyone is capable of doing today?
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2 -- 8 PM, UPN
Ahh, Family Hour on Saturday nights ain't what it used to be.
WHITE OLEANDER -- 8 PM, HBO
If ever there was a movie that wasn't for me...it was BEACHES. But this doesn't sound much like anything I'd want to see, either, despite the critical acclaim.
THE BONE SNATCHER -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Well, not we've had a Bone Snatcher and a Bone Catcher as well as a Sin Eater in movies. Linked only by the fact that I've avoided watching all three.
CAMBRIDGE SPIES -- 10 PM, BBC America
Debut! Some Brits go Communist in this fact-based five-part series. They go Communist and I go to any other channel than one that's showing this historical drama.
MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN -- 10:45 PM, Bravo
DeNiro as the monster is really in need of a Bravo Queer Eye makeover, but alas, instead he's just hunted by guys with pitchforks and torches instead.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE—11:30 PM, NBC
The Best of Tracy Morgan. Shhh.... (R)
Sunday, October 26
GLITTER -- 11 AM, HBO
Some of you seem willing to forgive Mariah her past transgressions, but before you fully embrace her latest comeback, you have to watch this and see if she deserves your charity.
GHOST CAT -- 8 PM, Animal Planet
Well, if cats ignore you when they're alive, I'd hate to see how much more cold and aloof thay get after death.
EMERIL KICKS UP HALLOWEEN -- 9 PM, Food
Emeril tells you there's not much iron in a razor blade-laden apple after all, so you're best avoiding those altogether.
PUNK'D -- 9 PM, MTV
Season Premiere! Haven't we already been Punk'd enough, those of us who wasted time watching DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?
VIVA LA BAM -- 9:30 PM, MTV
I think Steve-O would have had the first JACKASS spin-off show if he'd quit getting in trouble with the police, so instead it's Bam Margera and his too-patient dad.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are a secret family recipe.
Chris Ryall
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