By Chris Ryall
Monday, March 8
20/20 -- 8 PM, ABC
Paula Abdul is included among these other celebrities who've made comebacks? Why not just include Vanilla Ice then, after his scintillating turn on THE SURREAL LIFE?
JANE GOODALL'S RETURN TO GOMBE -- 8 PM, APL
Cool, the real-life version of RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE APES. And in the next installment, the chimps will invade America, hopefully.
SHERLOCK HOLMES MARATHON -- 8 PM, TCM
If you're up for an all-nighter, you get seven back-to-back Holmes flicks, including some classics with Basil Rathbone.
HOT MAMAS -- 8 PM, VH1
What do they do if the mom is hot but their offspring ain't? If they use that logic, there's a good chance Christie Brinkley won't appear here tonight.
HOLLYWOOD REMEMBERS WALTER MATTHAU -- 8:10, FMC
So do I, but you don't see me getting my own show to tell you about it.
BEHIND THE CAMERA: THE UNAUTHORIZED STORY OF CHARLIE'S ANGELS -- 9 PM, NBC
I don't see how this TV-movie could be anywhere near as fun as the Adam West BATMAN story, but at least this time the jiggle won't be revolting.
JUDAS -- 9 PM, ABC
Jonathan Schaech stars in this movie that plays like Mel Gibson's PASSION flick as told from the other side...and without the extreme violence...and controvery.
DENNIS MILLER -- 9 PM, CNBC
Isn't having a show on CNBC the metaphoric equivalent of hanging onto the last branch as you're about to fall off a big cliff?
NOW WHO'S BOSS -- 10 PM, TLC
Debut! Sorry, this is a new reality show about CEOs sent back down the corporate ladder and not anything with Alyssa Milano.
AIRLINE -- 10 PM, A&E
Tonight's show focuses on two honeymooners, so I think it'd be best if I avoid this one. No need to put any weird thoughts in my head when I'm expecting a trouble-free flight.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Vince Vaughn, Molly Shannon, Brides of Destruction
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Kevin Nealon, Zack Braff
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jude Law, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Michelle Branch
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Kelsey Grammer, John Larroquette, Default
Tuesday, March 9
HOLLYWOOD SQUARES -- Syndicated
To coincide with the TV Land Awards, the TV stars of yesteryear take over the center square. And all the surrounding ones, too.
GILMORE GIRLS -- 8 PM, WB
In a show of remarkable restraint, the WB doesn't even go overboard to hype this over-sized show. No one dies, nothing extraordinary happens and yet this two-hour show is a welcome respite from the too-long AMERICAN IDOLs on at the same time.
ONE ON ONE -- 8 PM, UPN
This show lives up to its name tonight as Breanna decides to have sex for the first time. Funny, no guy ever really gets to "decide" to have sex the first time, they just wait until the girl decides for them.
PLANET OF THE APES -- 8 PM, FX
Astronaut Marky Mark crash-lands on a planet where Tim Burton has forgotten how to make coherent, interesting movies. Luckily, he returns to our world in time to catch BIG FISH.
SCRUBS -- 8:40 PM, NBC
Yes, it's a repeat of a recent show, but you actually get back-to-back eps featuring Michael J. Fox's appearance, which were as funny as expected.
SIGNIFICANT OTHERS -- 9 PM, Bravo
Debut! Great, a show about couples in counseling. Soon to be featuring all the couples who watched the first few episodes of this show.
WHAT NOT TO WEAR -- 9 PM, BBC America
Season Premiere! This season, make sure you don't wear anything they told you to wear the previous time. That stuff is so last season.
CRACKING UP -- 9:30 PM, Fox
Debut! You've probably seen promos for this, and just the pedigree alone sounds decent--Molly Shannon, Chris McDonald and Jason Schwartzman all star on the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT-sounding show.
NYPD BLUE -- 10 PM, ABC
This show's really going after the audience of people who love people that never even quite made it to has-been status by using American Idol never-was Brian Dunkleman as a guest-star.
THE SHIELD -- 10 PM, FX
Season Premiere! Vic and his buddies are rich now, and of course we all know that that's when their problems are gonna start.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Snoop Dogg, 87-year-old party girl, Ralphie May
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Kevin Nealon, Jason Schwartzman
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Liv Tyler, Norah Jones
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Andy Dick, Wheat
Wednesday, March 10
THAT '70S SHOW -- 8 PM, Fox
Brooke Shields guest-stars as a mom on this show. And yeah, I know it's possible for Brooke to have been a mom for about the last fifteen years, but this still makes me feel old.
GAME OVER -- 8 PM UPN
Debut! The first all-CGI primetime show...actually sounds pretty decent. It's about a family of video game characters who work in their games all day and then return home at night. Similar in premise to NBC's proposed all-CGI show about the animals who work with SIEGFRIED & ROY (now on hold, obviously).
THE ANIMAL -- 8 PM, FX
Man, it sure didn't take long for co-star Colleen Haskell to go from "America's sweetheart" to "America's...uh, wait, who?"
AMERICAN IDOL -- 8:30 PM, Fox
Can someone please explain why I have to deal with this crap tonight instead of my Crap of Choice, THE O.C.?
SMALLVILLE -- 9 PM, WB
the newtworks' new way of presenting a repeat and making it sound like a good thing -- this is one of "five favorite episodes" chosen by the viewers. Well, I think most viewers would choose to see a new show if it were really up to them.
STEPHEN KING'S KINGDOM HOSPITAL -- 10 PM, ABC
This week, the King character is haunted by the ghost of all the bad movie's he's had his name on. MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE leads the pack, but THE LAWNMOWER MAN ain't far behind...
101 REASONS THE '90S RULED -- 10 PM, E!
I hope at least one of the reasons is "VH1," since E! is so blatantly ripping them off here that they at least deserve some credit as being an influence.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Elijah Wood, Hollis Gillespie, Maroon 5
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Kevin Nealon, Pat Green
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jeff Goldblum, Juliette Lewis, Sarah McLachlan
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Viggo Mortensen, Jill Hennessy, Cee-Lo
Thursday, March 11
JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT -- 8 PM, WB
I never really mention this show, or watch it, but from what I have seen, it's much more entertaining than PUNK'D ever was.
NAACP IMAGE AWARDS -- 8 PM, Fox
Kobe Bryant, Michael and Janet Jackson...will not be appearing here tonight.
ENOUGH -- 8 PM, HBO
Oh, you presciently titled Jennifer Lopez movie, you.
WILL AND GRACE -- 8:30 PM, NBC
Carmela Soprano and BROWN BUNNY care-giver Chloe Sevigny guest-star here, continuing this show's streak of getting guest-stars more talented than the show's regular cast.
THE APPRENCTICE -- 9 PM, NBC
I have to think it's accidental, because when The Donald does his hair it's on purpose, but his "cobra-strike" hand motion when he fires someone is just genius and oh-so-watchable.
WHAT AMERICA EATS -- 9 PM, Food
For the section that focuses on California, they had to do extensive re-shoots and get rid of all the footage that mention breads or hamburger buns.
MAD MAD HOUSE -- 9 PM, SciFi
I know the novelty of this freak show will wear off very soon, but I'm still at least intrigued by the idea of it.
PRINCESS DIANA: THE SECRET TAPES -- 10 PM, NBC
Obviously NBC edited out the part where Diana said "please promise me you will never become a pathetic vulture and release these private tapes to the public."
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: The Rock, Gisele
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Kevin Nealon, Elisha Cuthbert
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Elijah Wood, Rachel Dratch, BJ Novack
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Shannen Doherty, Steven R. Schrippa, Melissa Etheridge
Friday, March 12
JOAN OF ARCADIA -- 8 PM, CBS
It's annoying enough, a show where God is hanging with the teenage girl, but this week, when her crippled brother regains some feeling as a result of her work with the Big Guy, well, that's just outright wrong.
PLAYING IT STRAIGHT -- 8 PM, Fox
Debut! When did it become such a fun little network trick to toy with gay and straight people's feelings? Fox is at it again, with a psychic dating some guys and trying to figure out which ones are on her team or not. They're actually going with the word "gaydar" in their promotional materials, which means a show about "wiggers" can't be far behind.
MANIA OF WRESTLEMANIA -- 8 PM, UPN
Sure, everyone knows wrestling is just good theater, but this show takes you behind the curtain for a look at the prep behind last year's 20th anniversary 'Mania.
JAG -- 9 PM, CBS
The show's writers essentially take the week off, offering up this episode about some "what-if?" scenarios as a result of a fortune cookie.
WONDERFALLS -- 9 PM, Fox
Debut! I know the show looks gimmicky, with staplers and what-not talking to the show's lead, but those quirky elements never last long in shows, and the pilot I saw last summer was actually pretty solid for this kind of show.
TOUCHING EVIL -- 9 PM, USA
Funny, that's the same thing my Catholic school teachers used to tell me all the time. Wait, I never went to Catholic school...but I'd imagine that's what they would've said. Not that I would've listened.
STARGATE SG-1 -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Season Finale! This is the season finale only in part, since it's really the first of a two-parter. But next time i say "season finale" in reference to this show, I'll really mean it.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jennifer Tilly, underage film critics, Switchfoot
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Kevin Nealon, Cee-Lo
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Frankie Muniz, Big Show, David Byrne
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Snoop Dogg, Chloë Sevigny, Russ Meneve, John Ondrasik and Five for
Fighting, Robert Randolph and the Family Band
Saturday, March 13
BOXING -- 6:30 PM, HBO
Shane Mosley takes on junior middleweight challenger Ronald Wright, and if you went by their nicknames alone, you'd have to lay odds on "Sugar" over "Winky."
BANDS REUNITED -- 7 PM, VH1
This is a re-airing of some of the best of the recent series on VH1. And sure, the host is obnoxious and many of the bands are long faded, but it's captivating nevertheless.
A WALK ON THE MOON -- 8 PM, WB
No one cared about this movie when it came out in 1999, with good reason, but I'm sure it's of more interest now since it stars Oscar favorite Diane Lane and Aragorn himself, sans horse.
F/X -- 8 PM, UPN
I'm sure even Bryan Brown is still surprised that he was the top-billed star in this movie, but regardless, it's a pretty solid little thriller. Almost makes you forget his work in COCKTAIL or that massage flick with Mimi Rogers. Almost.
NAVY SEALS -- 8 PM, AMC
Okay, when a channel called American Movie CLASSICS airs this mess, it's time to re-evaluate the old mission statement.
SNAKEHEAD TERROR -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Carol Alt stars(?) in this movie about snake-headed fish that, like, bit people and stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, in real life, snake-headed fish are cool and all, but as man-eaters in a movie? Um, no.
A MIGHTY WIND -- 9 PM, HBO
Not as funny as BEST IN SHOW or as inspired as WAITING FOR GUFFMAN, this is still a solid entry from Chris Guest and company. And it's got an Oscar-nominated song that doesn't make you cringe, so that's a bonus.
MAD TV -- 11 PM, Fox
Guest-starring the Big Boss Kevin Smith himself. Finally, a reason to tune in...
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE—11:30 PM, NBC
Host: Ben Affleck
Sunday, March 14
AMERICAN DREAMS -- 8 PM, NBC
Liz Phair shows up here as some '60s icon or other, for whatever that's worth.
THE SIMPSONS -- 8 PM, Fox
I'm still waiting for the people who buried this show to send their apologies to me...it's been really solid this year, and tonight, Homer's "rival" for Marge, Artie Ziff, returns.
SPINNING BORIS -- 8 PM, Showtime
Hmm, a movie with BrundleFly, Tony LaPaglia and the guy who played Orson Welles as politcal consultants handling Boris Yeltsin, or THE SIMPSONS and THE SOPRANOS? Tough call, tough call...
FAMILY SINS -- 9 PM, CBS
Remember when you saw SUMMER SCHOOL and you thought Kirstie Alley was hot? And then in CHEERS, you laughed at her Rebecca Howe, but in the way you were supposed to? Well, she's a long way from either of those...
HIGH SCHOOL REUNION -- 9 PM, WB
Season Premiere! A buncha people from the Class of '93 in this Texas school reunite in Hawaii to see who's gotten fat and bald. Hopefully only the men...
ALIAS -- 9 PM, ABC
THE OFFICE's Ricky Gervais stops in here, which makes me think he's out to do to this show what we're potentially going to do to his BBC comedy.
THE SOPRANOS -- 9 PM, HBO
That actor who's "funny-looking, in a general sort of way," Steve Buscemi, makes his first appearance on this show, in front of the camera, anyway.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -- 9:30 PM, Fox
Nice show of faith, Fox, pulling this show for the final week of Sweeps last week. At any rate, it's back, and bringing Heather Graham (yay!) and James Lipton (uh...) with it. Which means you better set the TiVo for...
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM -- 10 PM, HBO
Season Finale! Already? Granted, having THE SOPRANOS now as a lead-in is a little odd, but still, I hate to see this show already come to an end. Hurry back, Larry.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions had nothing to do with Christ's crucifixion.
Chris Ryall
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