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By Reuben Ham

May 31, 2004

Rock Star Quote of the Week:

"I like writing songs. I like the camaraderie of the band. I like touring. I love playing bass. And then there's free beer."

-- Keanu Reeves has a 'whoa' moment

The People Speak!!: Reuben Ham empties his mailbag and reveals what you, the PoopShooters, think of the state of rock'n'roll in 2004 and, erm… this lil' column. Love, snark, bile and laughs ahead...

Ye Olde Editor-In-Chief writes:

You want music you've gotten me to listen to through the column? The Magnetic Fields. Big Star. My Bloody Valentine (again). Mogwai. The Raspberries. The Birthday Party. So there.

Still trying to understand the Cutting Crew and Warrant things, though...

RH: I've told you, boss—you're just not drinking enough.

Gordon H. writes:

As quick as i am to completely disagree with your outrageous nominations for bands that should die. I think instead of telling you to painfully die of cancer while your father laughs at you...I'll try to be civil...Why the hell did you leave out CREED, NICKELBACK etc? Instead you put in bands that people actually like, bands that people get enjoyment out of listening to...How about SIMPLE PLAN? BLINK 182? fucking MERCURY 4? GOOD CHARLOTTE? Jesus-tapdancing-christ man. I could write a better article than you with a peice of cheese and a typewriter with just the letter F.

RH: What's next for you? A message to the Shakespeare Society saying, 'OMG LIEK DANIELLE STEELE IS SOOO BAD!!!111'?

Tracy E. writes:

PLEASE stop telling us what you hate! I usually spend an hour or so with your column and some music download sites doing 30 second samples of anything and everything you mention. So this week I had to listen to THE DARKNESS and FRANZ FERDINAND, just to see how much they suck? Curse you! More good, less bad. Tracy

RH: 30-second samples? Maybe I should stop recommending 20-minute MOGWAI songs…

Chris M. writes:

Yo Reuben,

I dig your shit, keep writing brother. I almost jumped out of my computer chair, and screamed "Fuckin' A right!!!" at a couple of your points (most specifically your comments on THE VINES...like we need to see their ugly fuckin mugs on the cover of Rolling Stone again...a damn disgrace, I say...and I also agree with your thoughts on VELVET REVOLVER. Those boys need to hang up the instruments and live in the glory of their past. STP kicked ass, as did Slash's playing in GNR). I don't think this is the first time I've heard of THE JESUS AND MARY CHAIN, so I am going to hunt down their music and give them a listen.

RH: Jolly good show.

I myself am in a band, and I pray one day I'm never the victim of your cunning wit. You're giving rock life with your articles dude.

RH: Me and Rolling Stone. We both have about as much relevance.

You keep writing them and I'll keep reading them.

RH: Thanks, man. As long as there is beer, there will be articles. 'If you drink it, they will come' and all that…

W. Aaron Stanfill writes:

You remind me of the guys from HIGH FIDELITY, that say they aren't snobs when called one, but agree that no one knows as much about music as they do.

RH: Yeah, my music knowledge is all-encompassing. I can totally see how you'd get that impression from a guy who's previously subtitled his column insulated and ignorant.

I mean look at that last article, the one about bands that need to die. You'll so quickly dismiss NORAH JONES,

RH: Ned!! Grab the shotgun!! It's an adult-contemporary fan in heat!!

who is jazz and doesn't really fit with what you would normally like to begin with or with JOSS STONE who seems like more of a AVRIL remake of Norah, but then praise THE RASPBERRIES, which remind me of the lounge act in LOST IN TRANSLATION (don't let your snobberier [Is that like syphilis?—RH] write me off yet, I do have a rough idea of what good music is).

RH: Dude, you just disrespected the fuckin' RASPBERRIES. Let's knock down a few more paper tigers while we're at it, shall we? What about THE BEATLES? How much did they suck? And MOZART! What about RENOIR?

I think why you can't get into some of this new music is that you reached your "peak" and were most open to new music in the 70's and 80's, [Naturally, not having been born in the seventies.—RH] so of course would love JESUS AND MARY CHAIN more than FRANZ FERDINAND (I know they're not comparable, but bear with me) and wouldn't as easily get into the newer stuff. Generation Xers seem to gravitate to cynical music (J&MC, grunge, punk, ELLIOTT SMITH), while we "youngsters" are more mellow and like the reintroduction of mellody to music, like JACK JOHNSON or Norah or Franz. Don't have to reinvent the whell to make good music

RH: Oh, I know what you mean, man. I couldn't wait for the 'reintroduction' of 'melody' to music after the tuneless feedback-storm that was ELLIOTT SMITH.

You seem to know some stuff about music, but it seems like you're stuck in 70s/80s rock/punk/white-noise and can't get out. There's plenty of great new bands out there, it just won't sound what your used to or fit as nicely into what you label as rock 'n' roll. Check out BETA BAND,

RH: Wait. I remind you of HIGH FIDELITY?

SPOON, MODEST MOUSE, THE THRILLS (I know, I don't like the 'The' either), SNOW PATROL, NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL, MANU CHAO, STARLIGHT MINTS, SHINS, JIM O'ROURKE [Did Pitchfork pay for advertising space here, Ryall?—RH] (I know you must have heard of some of these, but judging from your columns you seem to use Mtv for your new music choices, and while some of these musicians are themselves Gen Xers, not all of ya'll are the same) or any of the countless great bands still churning out great music, rock 'n' roll be damned.

RH: Yup, I use MTV for my new music choices. Don't you hate it how they'll occasionally sneak in a CHRISTINA AGUILERA clip between all the 20-minute MOGWAI videos?

Chris P. writes:

In reference to your column at the Poop Shoot, I had to write and defend FRANZ FERDINAND, I saw them in Dundee in Scotland last November before they exploded. There were about 200 of us in a cosy little venue; I didn't notice the fancy shirts or the haircuts, just some sweaty musicians playing songs that were both distinctive and fresh, that I knew I'd be hearing again. It's always difficult to like something that's thrown in our faces as the next big thing, but these guys have good music behind them, and surely that counts for something

RH: It's not enough. Maybe if they grew their hair out and wore shades and sang about fucking and killing in the desert on drugs...

'Matt' writes:

SO SO SO True

I agree 100%, fuck VELVET REVOLVER, fuck THE DARKNESS, fuck NORAH JONES, and fuck THE DISTILLERS. All I know is I was in a band in LA for years got close to deals never nailed any down got screwed by a producer and these bands get to make millions??? FUCK THAT! The fact that any of these people got record deals as oppsoed to made money we should all be ashamed of ourselves for letting this shit go over in our country, its almost as bad as the Al Quaeda(sp?) terrorists, maybe if we put them together we can end this whole Jihad thing peaceably?

Or they could just behead all these loathed so-called-musicians, either works fine for me!!!

RH: Is this Anton from THE BRIAN JONESTOWN MASSACRE? Come on—be straight with me…

Shawn S. writes:

Mr. Ham

I respectfully disagree with your assesment of THE DARKNESS. I think you should try to give the album another listen without visualizing the singer, of course that may be difficult. Thank you for writing an informative column.

Sincerely,

Shawn S.

RH: Dear Sir, I respectfully request that you purchase a rather slim, affordable volume by Messrs. Pop & Asheton &c. entitled 'Fun House; or, The Nail In THE DARKNESS' Coffin, Thirty Years Before THE DARKNESS'. I await your presence—in company of said volume—at my country manor, wherein we shall cue up the gramophone, enjoy a cordial brandy and cigar, and cordially discuss the true nature of rock'n'roll.

Cordially, Reuben H.

K. Tucker writes:

I can say what needs to be said with one sentence. You introduced me to JOY DIVISION. Thank you.

RH: Letters like this make everything okay. Well, letters like this and beer.

Andrew S. writes:

I haven't really checked out anything new. I've already had most of what you've talked about... but it's still nice to see my good taste reinforced in an online column. I look forward to the column every week. Keep it up. (You're looking for encouragement, right?)

RH: Guilty. Think of this exercise as my equivalent of a LiveJournal entry in which I artfully dishevel my DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE shirt and pout doe-eyed into a camera held aloft in a public bathroom, caption the creation xxbutimbeautifulinsidexx, and check every two minutes for comments from people in the 47 'aesthetics' communities I belong to.

Jerome M. writes:

Hi Reuben,

Thank you very much for your delightful Rock'n'Roll shit list. I agreed with every one of your top ten tips for shitdom. Does that mean that I am: a) getting too long in the tooth, b) no longer "down" with the kids, or c) a jaded ex-musician who never had a lucky break and I don't see why anyone else should?

RH: But you'll always have your art—and, and... okay, this isn't working.

I particularly enjoyed your selection for number 7, John Butler Trio and Jack Johnson. How can anyone take seriously a dreadlocked granola muncher from Margaret River, care of the States, who insists on printing his album covers on 100% recycled Australian drift wood?

RH: I despair. Fuck the preservation of the wilderness and all that if we have to endure 'roots' music to achieve it.

One minor criticism for yourself though; why are you banging on about JESUS AND MARY CHAIN B-sides in today's day and age, apart from the fact that BLACK REBEL MOTORCYCLE CLUB will never be as good as them? You know as well as I do that there are plenty of excellent new bands to champion.

RH: Why am I banging on about the MARY CHAIN? Because I constantly rediscover this: They are one of the only bands—anywhere, ever—who can always make me believe within three minutes that they were the greatest thing in the history of rock'n'roll. They believed it; this matters.

By the way, just for the record, fuck THE RAPTURE and buy 'Pills N Thrills And Bellyaches' and 'Disintegration' instead.

RH: I'll buy two more copies—one for the FRANZ fan and one for the DARKNESS defender. They can have a slumber party, do each other's nails and talk about how the record 'isn't fun' or something.

Timothy B. writes:

Seriously, I LURRRVVEE your column, and think its fantastic. It reminds me perpetually of the good music that is still kicking around in so many nooks and crannies, that just needs a little love and effort to find. People often say : 'Don't give up - for every [insert crap band] there's a [insert great band]. Which is complete and utter fucking bullshit. Try 'For every SIXTY MILLION [insert band name such as L__K_N P__K] there's a [insert great band]. As long as there a people out there trying to make music that they and their friends would like, there will always be music worth listening to. Keep up the good , no great, work! "But its much too late, you say, to do it all now. You should have done it then, well it just goes to show, how wrong you can be, and how you really should know, that its never too late to get up and GO!"

RH: Thanks, man. Bonus points for Wish shout-out.

Niclas K. writes:

Never read your column before, good choice of subject is what I guess made me look now, and found most of it amusing and pretty much on the mark, THE DARKNESS and NORAH JONES, especially. But, dude, attacking FRANZ FERDINAND, that's just not nice. And comparing them to HOT HOT HEAT, oooohh... that's just not RIGHT. Hopefully you were being sarcastic, even though that would negate your previous comments. But hey, you've got a right to an opinion (I guess). If you continue to provoke these kind of things (and at least try and reevaluate FRANZ FERDINAND) I might end up a permanent reader.

RH: Re-evaluating FRANZ... and... oh, shit!! I was wrong!! They are the saviours of rock'n'roll!! I'm gonna go side-part my hair and throw out Led Zeppelin II...

Charles V. writes:

I seriously love your column. I love it so much i reread some past columns....i was unsure about the MY BLOODY VALENTINE album "isn't anything" but after reading your column(many columns in this email...sorry buddy) on "songs to...." i took the plunge and bought the album...and now i fucking love it....its one of my most favorite albums....

RH: Consider my cockles piping hot. No, really. Now buy Loveless: it's the Glenfiddich to Isn't Anything's wine-in-a-box.

its nice to know that someone out there has really good fucking taste in music and is not a big fucking prick...

RH: Well, let's not go too far...

and i totally agree...ROBERT SMITH is god....i dont know how many times ive listened to disintegration and cried...no seriously...

RH: Now that's fucking emo. Hear that, Chris Carrabba? Not everyone spent their youth crying to Dookie...

anyways...your column is one of the things i look forward to reading whenever im online...its fucking delicious.

RH: This letter makes me wanna stay in bed and braid my girlfriend's hair and listen to Instant Karma on repeat until I become bearded and iconic.

Cary B. writes:

hey, can you do a list of bands/genres that need to live?

RH:Yup—MOGWAI, um... MOGWAI... oh! SPIRITUALIZED! Drying up a little now...

i agree with just about everything you said (though i got some good laughs out of THE DARKNESS last fall when i accidentally found their web site), but i'd like to know who you think is good and who of those you think might actually make it. or a series of articles that focus on indie labels' rosters? you have a unique and excellent taste and no fear, which is rare these days. and the more you care, the funnier you get. i think the format that the comic book guy uses (one topic each week in depth) would be a great way to promote bands that you like or old bands that "the kids" have never heard of.

RH: But... that would require me to have 'knowledge'...

i have trouble coming back to your column regularly because i never know what it is - personal journal, album review, best of/worst of, rock history? if there was a consistent format, i think i'd come back with more regularity.

RH: 'Tis the nature of VELVET—the worst-organized, least-relevant-to-anything-much column at the 'Shoot. Somehow Ryall keeps printing it...

whatever you do, thanks for getting me into MY BLOODY VALENTINE - they were always a band i knew i missed but never went after.... until now.

RH: Kevin Be With You, brother...

Steven L. writes:

Hi,

I'm just writing to reply to your plea. I'm a fellow Brisbane-ite, actually, and catch your column every week.

Sometimes it's preaching to the choir (the JEFF BUCKLEY stuff was fantastic, and this week's 10 Bands That Need to Die was great, with every act you mentioned in dire need of some shit-canning. I personally love lists like that - especially when my taste matches up with the writer's (I am, after all, a major egotist). Another good example is the Your Band Sucks column at somethingawful.com) ....uh....I really went on a tangent there, didn't I? Anyway, sometimes preaching to the choir, and sometimes very illuminating. I've gotten into ELLIOTT SMITH as a result of your brilliant, unfortunately posthumous article.

RH: Let me know when you wanna have a beer, man...

Anthony H. writes:

From your top five you should/but don’t ---

I already owned Wires and Appetite (of course I’m an American male who was 16 when it came out, so legally, I have to own it).

So based on your recommendation I picked up the BIRTHDAY PARTY disc. Sorry for the lack of eloquence but I’ve got a newborn with a cold and am writing this on a Monday morning from my office with little sleep.

Looking forward to more recommendations.

RH: Heh. Junkyard—the only thing more raucous than a newborn. Also: the fact that you are an American and own ART OF FIGHTING's Wires album is, frankly, beyond cool.

Drew T. writes:

Great column this week. Not that best-of's, worst-of's and list mania are my favorite things -- all the list bullshit is what finally made me boycott Spin instead of just calling it juvenile, still flipping its pages. Personally, I think your style of writing couples perfectly with your subject. Well, that and I agree with you. Usually. For example: reading what you have to say about THE DARKNESS, well let's say there's a guy. This guy has a girlfriend who loves THE DARKNESS. Maybe every time she puts on the album, he cringes and he can't exactly explain why. Even if he could explain it, he wouldn't say it outloud because out of the kindness of his heart, he wouldn't want to ruin something she innocently enjoys.

RH: You could, however, give her a copy of White Light/White Heat for Christmas. It's seasonal, after all...

But I digress....words like, "It's a 57-year-old guy in a leotard, singing falsetto and playing twentieth-rate covers of VAN HALEN's 'Eruption'" are a triumph for this hypothetical man's quiet protests. I'm letting you know the column has lit a caution flare and, for my safety and wellbeing, guided me around the highway collision that could have been VELVET REVOLVER, JET and FRANZ FERDINAND. And for that, well that and the SEPULTURA references, I salute you. Keep it up.

RH: There are SEPULTURA references? Actually, other people have told me that if you squint at just the right distance, Satan's face appears just below the Rock Star Quote of the Week...

The 'Shoot's own Nicole Yates looks up from her TV set and writes:

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE? Complete no-talent. Seriously. Dancing does not make you a vocal talent. And speaking as a straight girl, he is fugly. I don't have a problem with NORAH JONES, mostly because she is not even really on my radar, it's more for adults who need calm music to sort of unwind from work. It's not rock, it's just smooth jazz wrapped in a young girl blanket. JOSS STONE? Whoc ares, right? Don't worry about THE VINES, they will disappear soon. Here in the US, they are almost non-existent except for moody teenager's mp3 collections.

RH: You've comforted a nation. Or you would have if they read VELVET.

And I understand feeling like you are at a crossroad in your column. But hang in there, it's great to read and you are doing a great job.

RH: Thanks, doll; I appreciate it. Just don't let this column keep you from that EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND think-piece you're working on...

Theron N. writes:

Hi, I read and enjoy your MoviePoopShoot column regularly. I agree with most of the stuff you write, but I have a question. Do you think there should be a cut-off age for rock and rollers? It seems like you rail against anybody over 35 (except ROBERT SMITH) for having the nerve to still be playing rock music. Just curious. Thanks!

Theron N. (43 years of age and still daring to play rock)

RH: It's true. I have fixed ideas concerning youth and beauty and the Dionysian. My #1 fear is being 30 and not having formed a band. Death is currently in at #3. Running Out Of Beer is a close second.

Les S. writes:

Dude, I work in the industry and you are so stinkin' spot on that I'm amazed. Kudos.

RH: Gimme a job?

Next Week: VELVET returns with actual content. Probably.

© Reuben Ham

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